His chest hurt with the pain of her lost dreams. He wanted her to have everything she'd ever wanted. He wanted to be able to give her everything. His mouth twisted bitterly. He wasn't in a position to give her anything. Everything he had was tied up in the ranch, and it would be years before he could take more than a living wage out of the profits.
He pulled the brim of his hat lower over his eyes. It wasn't his problem. Sara meant nothing to him. He admired her courage and her determination, but admiration was all it was. He couldn't let it be more.
Cullen glanced at his companion's profile, wondering what was going on behind those impassive features. It was impossible to read Cody's thoughts, but Cullen could take an educated guess. Several times, he'd caught Cody watching Sara with a look in his eyes that could only be described as hungry. But only when she wasn't looking at him. If she happened to glance his way, he would immediately turn away, concealing his expression from her.
Interesting, Cullen thought. Maybe Sara had found what everyone hoped to find. Someone she could spend her life with. David Turner was a good man and Cullen liked him, but he'd always known that the photographer didn't stir Sara's soul the way a life companion should. Cullen had been only twelve when his parents died, but he could remember the way they'd looked at each other—as if there were no one else in the world. That was what he wanted for himself, and he wanted no less for Sara.
But Cullen's positive thinking was not shared by either Cody or Sara. On the journey out of the mountains, they were together yet apart. The sexual awareness that had been between them from the start was now magnified by the fact that they had been lovers.
Sara had only to look at Cody to remember the rasp of his beard against her breast, the feel of his taut muscles beneath her hands. But she missed the easy companionship that had developed between them even more than having him beside her at night. It had been the two of them against nature, against time, against all odds. And they'd won. They'd beat the odds. Cullen had beat the odds. But somehow, in the winning, Sara had lost Cody. He'd pulled away from her, withdrawing the warmth that had slowly grown between them. Sara missed that warmth. Only now that it was gone had she come to realize just how important it had been to her.
The snow continued to sift down without showing any signs of stopping. It was hard to imagine a time when the world hadn't been covered with a soft white blanket. As the snow deepened, the footing for the horses became more uncertain, and they were forced to slow their pace, a delay that none of them welcomed.
At night, Sara turned over in her sleeping bag, careful not to disturb Cullen, who slept such a short distance away. She stared at the blank wall of the tent. A few feet beyond that thin barrier, Cody lay wrapped in his sleeping bag, sheltered under the same rock overhang that sheltered the tents. He'd refused to share the tent with them, saying that he would be just fine outside with the fire, but Sara had the feeling that he didn't want to be too close to her, as if her nearness could undermine some resolve he'd made.
It hurt to have him push her away. It hurt more than she liked to admit, because if she faced how much it hurt she had to face the depth of her feelings for him, and that frightened her. How had she come to care so much for a man who held his emotions inside?
What was going to happen to them once they returned to civilization? Them? She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the word. She was thinking as if they were a couple, as if there had been some kind of commitment between them, something to pin a future on. Did she want a future with Cody Wolf? She shifted restlessly, trying to ignore the question. She didn't know what she wanted. How could she want a future with him? How could she bear to walk away?
Outside, Cody reached out to feed the fire, pulling his hand back into the warmth of the sleeping bag as quickly as possible. He'd given up trying to sleep. It wasn't the cold, though his breath created clouds of vapor with his every exhalation. It wasn't a physical discomfort that kept him awake—unless you counted the ache that settled in the pit of his stomach, growing heavier with every step that took him closer to home. Closer to saying goodbye.
He shut his eyes, willing away the image of Sara's walking out of his life, willing away the pain that went with it. He didn't want to feel pain. He didn't want to acknowledge that it might bother him to say goodbye. There was no future in the feelings that he had for her. There could be nothing ahead for the two of them.
She would go back to Los Angeles and pick up the threads of her life and he would stay just where he was, raising horses and struggling to make ends meet. Before long, this whole period of time would seem like a far-off dream, half-remembered and unimportant.
There could be no future with her. No future at all.
Chapter 12
The nearer they got to home, the harder it was to remember what they'd gone through. As civilization neared, the days spent in the mountains began to take on a dreamlike quality.
When Sara recognized the pool where she'd bathed and Cody had watched her, she felt like crying. The edges of the pool were now covered by a thin layer of ice, though the stream still ran freely through its center. She looked away, blinking back tears, and her eyes met Cody's. For just a moment she thought she saw a reflection of her own pain in his gaze, and her heart swelled with some emotion she was afraid to identify. But then he looked away, his expression impassive.
The first part of their return trip had taken them over new country. There had been no sense in returning to the crash site to retrace their steps from there. But eventually they ended up on the same path that had led Sara and Cody into the Rockies.
Each familiar landmark brought a squeezing pain to Sara's chest. It was like parting from an old friend every time she thought about never seeing any of this again. Every time she thought about never seeing Cody again.
If Cody felt the same, he concealed it perfectly. It was impossible to read anything of what he was thinking or feeling. He might not have been aware that they'd traveled this way before. Did he remember watching her at the pool, all the arguing they had done, the first time they'd kissed? Was she crazy to remember it all so vividly?
The closer they got to the ranch, the more conflicting were the feelings surging through Sara. It would be wonderful to be back amid such luxuries as running water and real beds. And it would be good to be able to get Cullen to a doctor. Her eyes settled worriedly on her nephew, Though he'd made no complaint, she knew he was in pain. She could see it in the lines that bracketed his mouth, lines that hadn't been there before the crash. He'd grown up far too quickly since then. No boy of eighteen should have a face that reflected that amount of hard-won maturity.
Yes, she'd be glad to return to civilization for many reasons. But when she looked at Cody there was a part of her that longed to turn Satin's head around and retreat back into the mountains, to run away from the parting that lay ahead.
Cody rode a few yards in front of his two companions. The sole packhorse, its burden considerably lighter than it had been when he and Sara began this trip, followed him. Then Cullen and then Sara. There was no particular reason for the way they were strung out along the trail. Perhaps it was just the weariness that was creeping over all of them, the tensions that went with being almost home but not quite there yet. Whatever it was, none of them seemed to have much to talk about.
They would probably make it back to the ranch by nightfall. Cody had announced that much at breakfast this morning. If Sara had conflicting feelings about that piece of information, the horses had no such problem. Sensing that they were nearing home and a nice warm barn, their pace picked up, and Sara found herself having to control Satin, making sure that the mare didn't hurry and risk a fall on the snowy ground.
It was twilight when they at last reached the mouth of the valley. Below them, Cody's ranch spread out in a blanket of gleaming white. In the distance, lights twinkled from the ranch house. By mutual consent they drew their horses to a halt. No one spoke as they stared down at the Western postcard laid out below
them.
Sara reached out and took Cullen's hand. The strength of his grip told her that she wasn't the only one who was moved by the moment. She glanced across Cullen at Cody, but it was impossible to read anything in his face, shielded as it was by the double cloak of dim light and the brim of his hat. But Dancer stirred restlessly beneath him, reflecting his rider's emotional turmoil.
Without a word, Cody nudged the stallion forward. The other horses followed suit, and they started the descent into the valley. It was not an easy trip to make on the snowy slope and in the dark. Dog loped ahead, but for the horses it was not such a simple matter. The snow made a treacherous stairway, and more than once they skidded on their rumps, giving their riders a more exciting ride than any of them desired. The darkness didn't make things any easier, but no one suggested camping for the night and making the final leg of the journey in the morning. They were too close to tolerate a delay now.
Reaching level ground, they were forced to keep their pace slow in deference to the lack of light. Traveling the short distance to the ranch house took twice as long as it would have in daylight, but when they at last walked the horses into the ranch yard, it was worth every slow step.
Dog had alerted Billy Williams to their return and he was waiting for them, light spilling out of the barn. Bundled in a heavy coat, he looked twice as big as the gangling youth Sara remembered. She bit her lip fiercely to hold back tears as Satin came to a halt in front of the barn. Now that they were back at last, she was suddenly so tired that she couldn't imagine how her legs would support her once she slid out of the saddle.
"Cody! I was just about to leave for the night when Dog showed up." Billy's young voice cracked with excitement as Cody swung down off Dancer and reached out to clasp the boy's hand. Billy shook Cody's hand but his eyes were on the other two riders. Two. One more than had started out.
"You found the crash! I told Dad you would."
"Billy, this is Cullen Grant." Cody leaned against Dancer for a moment, the first time Sara had seen him show any sign of the exhaustion that must be coursing through him. "How's everything?"
"Just fine. I been takin' care of things for you, just like you asked."
Cody nodded and then forced himself to stand away from the stallion's support. "The horses are beat, and I think we could all use a hot shower and a decent bed."
"I'll stay around and help." It was obvious that the boy would have been heartbroken if Cody had suggested that he go home. Luckily, Cody made no such suggestion. He accepted Billy's help with a quiet thanks that made the boy's chest swell with pride.
Billy helped Cullen ease down off his horse, trying to jar Cullen's injured leg as little as possible. Looking at the two of them in the light that spilled out of the barn, Sara's heart twisted with pain. There couldn't be more than a year or two between them, but where Billy's face had the open, wide-eyed wonder of youth, Cullen's face was tight with pain and maturity. He'd grown up these past few weeks and there was nothing Sara could do to give him back his youth.
"Don't worry too much. He'll be okay." When Cody spoke she tore her eyes away from the two boys and looked down at him. For once, she could read his expression. The vibrant green of his eyes were soft with understanding, and she had to blink back tears.
"He's aged so much."
"He's been through a lot. Now, do you plan on staying on that horse all night or would you like me to give you a hand down?" It was the longest sentence he'd addressed to her in days, and Sara found herself smiling at him.
"I was thinking about just staying up here. It seems much easier." She bent to rest her hands on his shoulders and he swung her off the horse with easy strength. He didn't release her even when her feet hit the ground, and Sara tilted her head back to look up at him. From this angle, the brim of his hat once again shadowed his eyes, but she could feel his searching look.
Sexual tension flared to life between them. They had barely touched in the days since they'd found Cullen, but their awareness of each other hadn't died. It had only been banked down, waiting for something to fan it to life. They stared at each other in silence. His hands tightened on her rib cage, and Sara's hands slid toward the back of his neck. His head seemed to dip and she stopped breathing, her mouth softening in anticipation of his kiss.
The door of the house slammed and Billy clattered down the steps, his boots making enough noise to wake the dead. Cody dropped his hands as if burned, and Sara stepped back, her eyes not meeting Cody's.
"I got Cullen settled. He says he hopes you don't mind him using the shower."
"Sure." Cody tugged his hat lower and turned to gather up Satin's reins. "You might as well go on up to the house, Sara. Billy and I will take care of the horses. There's a shower in the barn that I'll use, so you might as well clean up at the house."
He turned away without waiting for an answer. Billy gave her a shy grin. "It must feel great to be back."
Sara dragged her eyes away from Cody's back and managed a faint smile. "Just great."
Really terrific. If she just kept telling herself that, maybe she'd be able to believe it. She rolled over in bed and stared at the ceiling. It would be dawn soon. And when Cullen woke, they would get in her car and drive away from this little valley, leaving Cody to get on with his life. And she would get on with hers. Heaven knows, she didn't want to stay here. Did she?
Why couldn't she go back to sleep? She'd slept like a log until half an hour ago, when she'd come awake with a suddenness that made her heart pound. The house was quiet. She'd adjusted to the silence during the time they'd spent in the mountains. It had begun to seem normal not to hear traffic noise and sirens. But, back within four walls, the silence seemed strange. Unnatural.
Across the hall, Cullen was presumably still asleep. As she would be if she had any sense. He'd taken Cody's room, too tired to make even a token protest when Cody said he'd sleep on the couch. She'd helped Cullen to bed after his shower, and he'd been asleep before she shut the door behind her.
She'd been almost as tired. So, what was she doing awake before dawn? She curled up on her side and stared at the dark wall. Why wasn't she asleep? Because all she could think of was Cody. And saying goodbye to him. She didn't want him to ask her to stay, did she?
Yes. The answer came straight from her heart, surprising her with its intensity. More than she'd ever wanted anything in her life, she wanted him to ask her to stay with him. Not just as a sexual partner, but as a life companion. She swallowed a lump in her throat. She'd fallen in love with him. She'd been running away from that knowledge for days now, refusing to admit her feelings, even to herself.
It was just that they'd been through a tremendous amount together. There was desperation in the thought. That's all it was. They'd been thrown into one another's company under emotionally charged circumstances, and a perfectly natural sexual attraction had combined with those circumstances to make her think she was in love with him.
But the knowledge refused to be suppressed. Whether she liked it or not, she was in love with Cody Wolf. In love as she'd never been in her life. But there could be no future for them. Her life was in Los Angeles. His lay in these mountains.
Did he love her? The question was one that people in love had asked through the centuries, but its urgency was not diluted by age. Staring wide-eyed into the darkness, Sara went over every moment of their time together, searching for some clue to his feelings. He wanted her. She didn't doubt that. But did he love her?
Without conscious thought, she shoved back the blankets, shivering as the cool air penetrated her cotton nightshirt. Barefoot, she padded to the door and opened it a crack, peering into the hallway before slipping out. There was a fire going in the fireplace.in the living room and the flickering light beckoned her.
She felt almost as if she stood outside her body, watching her feet carry her closer to the flickering light. She stepped around the corner and into the living room and stopped, suddenly aware of what she was doing. Her eyes skipped
around the room, avoiding the wide sofa.
The huge painting of the wolf still dominated the room, the eyes gleaming in the firelight as he seemed to watch her. But this time that gaze didn't bother her. The rest of the room was the same—scuffed floors and battered furniture that she remembered, a stack of National Geographic, spilling off a corner table, a braided rug adding a touch of warmth to the plain room.
When she could delay it no longer, she at last looked at the figure stretched out on the long sofa. He'd covered himself with only a light blanket, trusting the heat of the fire to keep the chill away. His eyes were closed, and Sara crept forward, hardly daring to breathe. She didn't know what she was doing here. She didn't know what she was going to say if he should wake to find her
watching him, but she couldn't turn away. Like a moth to a flame, she was drawn to him.
He'd shaved when he cleaned up, and she realized that she'd forgotten the strength of his jaw, the high curves of his cheekbones. At that moment, with the firelight casting shadows over his lean features, his heritage was plain to read. He looked every inch the warrior.
Her eyes skimmed upward and she froze as they met his. She didn't know how long he'd been watching her, but there was no grogginess in his gaze. He was wide awake and alert. She swallowed hard, trying to think of something to say, some explanation for her presence.
But, in the end, she didn't have to say anything. Staring at him, she found herself mesmerized by the way the firelight caught in his eyes, making them seem to burn with green flames. She took a step nearer, as if compelled. She wanted to warm herself on that flame. He sat up, and the blanket slid to his waist. Sara was aware of the broad strength of his chest, the black hair that curled across the muscles, but she couldn't drag her eyes from his.
Stormwalker Page 17
