Just Jack: Everything laid bare

by K. L. Shandwick

  “Hello, Jack. I have missed you so much.”

  That refined but sexy rock-chick voice laced with her posh London accent was so distinctive, but it had changed slightly and there was a slight hint of ‘Americanisms’ in her language. Normally I would have had a quick witted answer for her but I was just so happy that she was in front of me that I’d remained speechless. I’d felt a little choked with emotion at how demonstrative her greeting was.

  We stood there hugging in the hallway for what seemed like ages, rocking back and forth, but then Lily pulled her head back enough to look at my face with a huge grin. For the last few years it had usually been me going to see her, and although she was always the one to rush at me, this felt very different, she’d turned the tables by arriving at my door.

  “Damn, Jack. You look incredible. I was worried about you after the last time we skyped, but seeing you in the flesh has put my mind at ease. Maybe the fact you had been up all night being a dirty boy had made you look a little tired.”

  Smiling widely with pleasure, I responded, “What can I say? Two for one, you know me ,Lily, I’ve always been a sucker for a bargain. Anyway, it’s your fault. You know I sleep better when your sweet smelling little body is tucked up in my arms.”

  I gave her a squeeze and dropped my mouth to her neck in mock seduction. Lily’s neck disappeared into her shoulder as goose bumps instantly spread over her arms in reaction to my lips on her skin. Pulling away from me she shook her head and swatted my arm.

  “Behave, Jack Cunningham. Alfie has a sixth sense when it comes to you. Henry will be knocking on the door in a few minutes to deal with your inappropriate handling of his girl.”

  Henry was Alfie’s security detail; he didn’t trust anyone else with Lily when she came to London.

  Lily threatening me with Alfie’s bodyguard was a new thing. Normally she wouldn’t have let anything come between us. The now familiar pang of loss of what we were was back in an instant with her chiding remark.

  “Tell me you’re kidding. I’m sure I can persuade you to stay the night with me. We never get to spend time together anymore, Lily.”

  “Jack, I promised Alfie that habit was one that we wouldn’t be repeating anymore. Please, don’t make this any harder for the both of us than it already is.”

  Swallowing hard, my anger and hurt were getting the better of me. It might even have been jealousy at that moment. I’d felt I’d lost a huge part of my life, yet that time she was the one that was redefining the boundaries. Lily’s eyes lost their sparkle and were instantly glistening with tears. I saw that it was hurting her.

  We both felt the same ache for what we had and I knew Lily was as badly affected by it as I was. So, in a more rational frame of mind, I knew that it was up to me to make it all okay between us, just like I did when I stepped away years ago so that I wouldn’t cross the line with her.

  “Come here. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay. Everything is always okay with you. I adore you, Lily. That will never change. I’ll always love you no matter what. It’s right that Alfie should be pissed off about how I behave around you. If you were my girl and he behaved the way I do, I’d have decked him long ago. You deserve to be happy. You love him with most of your heart and you’ve saved a little piece of it just for me. It’s a huge privilege to still be in there at all, sweetheart, so I’ll take whatever time I can get with you, whenever I can get it, as long as you’re happy.”

  Lily stared up at me through her tear stained eye lashes, her huge pretty blue eyes that always melted my heart had begun to get red and puffy. She gave me a weak smile of resignation. I kissed over each eye and pulled her close for another hug, and then rubbed her back. When I had, I felt Lily’s fingers curl tightly around my shirt as she clung to me for reassurance.

  The following two days felt idyllic having Lily home, we even spent one rare evening with our whole group because Elle was in town as well. Apart from one occasion, we hadn’t all been together in over three years. We had takeaway delivered and spent hours and hours talking about Lily, her band, XrAid, and hearing funny things that had happened during their tours. While she spoke I watched her with awe, she had become an incredibly confident woman. Lily was everything I knew she could be when we were growing up.

  Everyone else shared their news and afterwards we just reminisced about all the funny stuff that had happened between us in the past. I had sworn Dave and Sam to secrecy about my sabbatical because I didn’t want to answer any questions, and because I hadn’t told Lily.

  When Alfie rang I did my usual stunt of winding him up about spending time alone with Lily and I could hear the aggravation in his voice. I imagined him standing with a grim look on his face, his jaw clenched tight with anger, and that made me laugh even more. Eventually he threatened me outright which made both Lily and me chuckle, just like we had when people got the wrong idea about us when we were younger.

  My heart felt full when I’d woken in the morning to find Lily’s head in my lap. At one point during the previous evening as we’d talked, Lily had lay her head there and I’d ran my fingers through her hair, just like I always had when we talked into the night. When I’d looked down and watched her sleeping peacefully, I couldn’t resist reaching out to gently stroke her face. Lily’s eyes fluttered open and she’d looked up slightly alarmed before her face relaxed. She turned over onto her back, stretched her arms above her head and smiled sleepily at me.

  “Morning,” she murmured in her sweet husky morning voice.

  Wagging my finger between us I smirked mischievously.

  “Just wait until I spin this one to Alfie. He’s definitely going to burst a blood vessel.”

  Lily giggled, grabbed my wagging finger, opened my hand and placed it against her cheek before closing her eyes again. I could tell she was savouring our little private guilt-free moment just as much as I was.

  As with all good things, Lily’s days in London came to an end too quickly and on her last day she met up with Rosie for lunch. I kind of wished I could have gone as well, but I wasn’t sure if that was to spend more time with Lily, or to see Rosie. I’d realised it had been over a week since I’d last spoken to her. Once that had dawned on me, I felt a bit weird, it meant that she must be coming to terms with our spilt as she hadn’t felt the need to call me again. I didn’t quite know what to think about that. Gini never called me back either, so I assumed her husband must have been for real. All of those things left me feeling lost again.

  Lily was cagey after lunch and I’d thought I should respect what they had talked about, even if it was probably about me, and not broach the subject. Plus we would inevitably have different views on the matter and I was too busy insisting on travelling back to the airport with her. She was too famous for me to drive her on my own and I didn’t want Henry sitting in my car with us, so she ordered a limo with a privacy screen and had Henry ride up front. During the journey she asked me when the last time I had spoken to Rosie was, I calculated it had been ten days by then.

  “You two really need to sit down and talk, Jack. Promise me that you’ll go and see her.”

  Since Lily had told me she was going to lunch with Rosie, I had wanted to see her. I really did.

  “How did she look?”

  “Tired. She looked tired, and sad, she’s devastated actually. I really think you need to talk to her, Jack.”

  Hearing the concern in Lily’s voice was enough for me to know I had to see Rosie for myself. Whatever had happened between us, I still cared about her and I knew I shouldn’t go away without speaking to her.

  “All right, I’ll call her later, promise.” Lily gave me a tight smile and nodded, content that she’d got her point across.

  Funny how the things you don’t want to happen seem to come a lot faster than those you do want. In what felt like the shortest car journey I’d ever had, we arrived at the airport. Lily and I sat hugging in the back of the limo in the car park of a fast food restaurant that lay just outside the tunne
l that led to the terminals, because once she arrived, it would be a media circus. Even I thought that, and I was the media. I wasn’t going all the way with her. I hated saying goodbye in that frenzy.

  Saying goodbye to her was always painfully hard for me, but that time I knew I definitely wouldn’t see her for at least six months. I’d only told her I was going at the last minute and it was horrible for the both of us, especially since I still didn’t tell her where I was going or why. Bizarrely, she tried to discourage me from going by saying that six months was hell of a long time, and anything could happen in that time. That pissed me off considering she was the one that lived half way around the world for most of the year and out of a suitcase for the rest of it.

  Lily looked alarmed and pretty anxious about my news and yet the most urgent thing on her mind was to remind me again to talk to Rosie before I went. Once I reassured her that I would, Lily and Henry slipped out of the limo and transferred into the back of her security detail’s car that had been following us. I sat in the limousine watching her disappear into the tunnel that would take her to the departure terminal.

  At that moment, I was glad I was leaving as well. Convincing myself to do it was the easy part, making a go of it would be something else entirely different, but I was determined to make it work. Learning to play an instrument adeptly would be hard to pull off, especially when my friends were some of the most famous rock stars in the world. It was them I’d have to impress and not some visiting family member that I wanted to show off to.

  With just over a day to go until I left, I made good on my promise and called Rosie. I didn’t know what I had expected when I’d offered to go and see her, but it wasn’t to be brushed off because she had friends coming. I’d almost asked her who, because apart from her friend, Kay, there wasn’t anyone she normally socialised with that wasn’t in my group of friends. Then I remembered, it isn’t any of my business, but it kind of struck a chord with me that I wasn’t invited. I wondered if it meant that she had finally moved on.

  After speaking to Rosie, and after Lily’s visit, I was even more certain that I was doing the right thing. Once I had time away from everyone and everything, I’d find perspective and get an idea of what I should do with the next chapter of my life.

  Going to bed that night, I felt excited. It wasn’t a case of me running away, I had nothing to run away from. But over the past few weeks, I’d been feeling lost so it was actually more about running to find myself.

  Chapter 15 ~ Detox

  Apprehension flooded through my body and nerves had gripped my stomach by the time I reached London City Airport to catch my flight to Granada. It was weird considering I flew on interview assignments regularly. Perhaps it was because the significance of it was that it was my own journey of self-discovery. Then again, everything felt weirdly perfect about it as I was the only person that knew precisely where I was going.

  My parents were as supportive as they always were but my mother still wept buckets when I was leaving their house that morning to head to the airport. It was hard for me to deal with and I had to swallow the lump in my throat when I hugged her goodbye.

  Flying to Spain was uneventful and darkness had already descended on Granada by the time we touched down. It felt late even though it was only twenty five to seven. Surprisingly there were five of us being met at the airport and I was the last one to be collected. Two had arrived the evening before and had stayed in a local hotel. They shared their experience of their last minute indulgences from the previous night. I was instantly jealous that I hadn’t had the foresight to do that as well.

  The journey in the minibus was quite a good icebreaker and everyone was friendly but stilted in their conversations. As with all groups of new people who are thrown together, everyone discussed their work, the weather, and what they hoped to get from the retreat. I was the only one taking a sabbatical, the rest were all there to de-stress from their careers.

  Travelling with me was a lawyer, a social worker, a banker and a heart surgeon; the mix of people accompanying me tickled my sense of humour. If I had a heart attack due to junk food withdrawal, I had expert medical on hand to save me. If he fucked up I had someone to help me sue him, if I was still alive, a banker to tell me where to put the money I won and a social worker to counsel me from the trauma of it all.

  The snow-covered mountainside that led to the retreat seemed to add an element of drama to what I was about to do, and the reality of six months away from home began to sink in.

  I had no idea what to expect from the experience, but in my mind there were massage beds with sheer curtain drapes and sweet looking beautician types helping me to feel relaxed and in control.

  After the short journey it was clear that what was in my imagination about the living conditions of the retreat and the reality were very different. It was sparsely furnished accommodation. A single bed, two blankets, a small bedside table, and what looked like a dining room chair were the only items in the room.

  Three square meals a day consisting of mainly superfoods, such as whole grains, berry fruits, vegetables and water by the gallon was my new diet. My one luxury was an incredible view to enhance my contemplation. Apart from meal times and the yoga class, I never saw another soul. Every electronic device I had brought with me was locked away and I was totally reliant on my memories for entertainment.

  Reflecting on my past would never have entered my head before, however being high up on the mountain was very cathartic from a ‘finding oneself’ perspective. Every day more and more issues came to the surface about how I had behaved with women and how I figured they regarded me. It also occurred to me that I probably deserved the attention I got because of the aura I emitted.

  Apart from unpicking the inner workings of my mind, I found myself missing people. Basically, my thoughts led me to have the biggest reality check and I concluded that I was one majorly selfish bastard, apart from where Lily was concerned.

  My reflections became vividly clear on day four and I had a major revelation. When I processed my time with Rosie I accepted that I hadn’t really tried much with her. Everyone tells me you only get out what you put into a relationship and I hadn’t put much in. Once I realised that, I began to see all the positive things in Rosie that I had taken for granted. Sometimes I wondered if what I was feeling then was because she shunned me before I left, and that was really what was eating me up. But it didn’t stop me from dreaming steamy scenes of having sex with her.

  Four intimately vivid dreams in nine days about my ex-girlfriend was either my conscience trying to tell me something or I was so deprived of sex that Rosie was suddenly back in favour. But it couldn’t be the latter because my heart was missing her as well. Either way she was great material for my wet dreams.

  In one erotic interlude Rosie crawled across to sit astride me, her favourite position. My hands instantly fondled her amazingly firm and heavy breasts, my thumbs stroked across her small pebbled nipples. She leaned in to kiss me, positioning my dick at her entrance then sat up straight. Her wet swollen pussy engulfed my dick as it sunk deep inside her, inch by delicious inch. Watching her eyes close in reaction like it was all too much for her was the one thing that always got to me. That and the soft sigh she always expelled at the same time. The dreams were so vivid that I could even smell her and usually woke with a start, automatically reaching out to find that she wasn’t there.

  My time on the mountain gave me a greater understanding of how I wanted to conduct myself in the future. Thanks to all of the yoga, I weighed ten pounds less and I was as supple as a female gymnast. My muscles were toned, I was fitter, and I felt completely reenergised. I was buzzing about moving on to the next part of my journey and felt I was already changing for the better. The only thing that was playing on my mind was Rosie. She was still drilling away at my conscience.

  Leaving the retreat, I travelled to Seville and to the home of a couple who had been teachers to some of the most popular music artists and songwriter
s of the twentieth century.

  Beverly Saunders was in her seventies but looked like she was in her fifties and had an amazing, infectious personality. Her fair British skin had seen too many sun rays and I resisted my urge to tell her if she wasn’t careful she’d start to resemble an expensive tanned leather handbag in the near future. Beverly was an incredible creative writer and lyricist. Graham Pope, her toy-boy partner was in his sixties and had been song writing with her as a career for all of his adult life. Judging by the place they owned they were incredibly successful, but they still only provided their students with very basic accommodation.

  Somehow I expected to find everyone arriving at the same time like the detox retreat. But what was waiting for me was music and song writing workshops with four other people, all at various stages of their time there.

  The workshops catered to suit all genres of music. Jazz, blues, country, indie rock, hard rock and power ballad style, had specialist songwriters available to work with. According to my research, every month a celebrity guest came to talk, give a master class and each person received feedback regarding progress. My only worry was I hoped there was no one I knew.

  Graham was a genius, a music graduate and a multi-instrumentalist. He played piano, guitar, cello, violin and percussions. After a consultation with him, I felt embarrassed when he gave me a short piece to play and had written a tab score for me to follow. Suddenly I was at school again and felt extremely nervous showing him my attempt on the guitar. His feedback was much better than I expected, and he was incredibly patient, reassuring me that I was there to learn, not to be a master on day one.

  Six days of experimenting with different genres and musical instruments later, I was stunned by how much I’d achieved given my very limited musical ability. Graham suggested I either focus on the drums or the guitar as both were my strengths. I chose the guitar because I couldn’t really carry a set of drums around to practise with when I left there.