During my final preparations for my work assignment that evening, the image of Rosie’s face looking back at me as she left the bar tugged at my heart. A part of me wondered if I only wanted her because we weren’t together any more, but considering the way that my heart felt, I doubted that.
Finally, I gave up working. I was as ready as I’d ever be. I was only trying to keep myself busy. Closing my laptop down, I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger and headed to the bathroom to prepare for bed. When I’d slid between the sheets, I hoped sleep would take over quickly, but once again, that didn’t happen.
Rick called me during the night and I was barely coherent so he kept what he wanted to say brief and I went back to bed. I woke again and thought I’d dreamed it. I lay wondering if the call had taken place. Eventually I fell asleep again.
I was awakened by my phone ringing and it was daylight. I squinted at the screen and saw Lily’s face. Swiping it to answer, her excited voice made me instantly alert.
“Well am I going to stand out here all morning, Jack? I’ve been ringing your door bell for ages!”
Throwing back the duvet, I was half way down the hall before I realised that I was still naked. I grabbed a towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around me before opening the door.
Lily flung her arms around me and squeezed me so tight I struggled to breathe.
“Oh, God this feels incredible. I missed you so much, Jack. Don’t ever do that to me again. Don’t leave me without being able to reach you.”
Her hug was fierce but she felt perfectly familiar to me. Being at my parents the day before had been great, but I had still felt tense. I could feel the last of the stress and tension leave my body in that hug.
I let Lily in and then went to my room to get ready. Once I was dressed I walked into the kitchen where she was making coffee. She’d found some fruit and croissants and had laid out jam, butter and my favourite, chocolate spread.
“Wow, Lily. Since when did you become so domesticated?”
“Since my neglected friend needed some TLC,” she replied looking pleased with herself and sitting down at the table.
Wandering around to her, I kissed the top of her head and slipped into the seat beside her still grinning at her beautiful face.
“I need to talk to you, Jack.”
Lily’s face became very serious and took on an ashen appearance. I could tell immediately that whatever she needed to get off her chest was huge. Reaching out, I took her hand in both of mine and brought them to my lips kissing her fingers in reassurance. Lily’s beautiful blue almond shaped eyes filled with tears. I hated seeing her sad face. My gut twisted as she visibly struggled to tell me what was wrong.
“Whatever it is, it’s okay, Lily. Take your time.” I held my breath while she gathered her thoughts.
Lily swallowed audibly, her eyes searched my face for a little longer than was comfortable before she sighed heavily.
“You’re going to hate me, Jack.”
My response was immediate. “I could never hate you. What’s happened? Did you have an affair or something?”
Lily’s eyes went wide as a look of horror registered on her face.
“Of course not,” she exclaimed hurriedly and I sighed with relief.
“It’s Rosie.”
My heart sped at the mention of Rosie as did my temper, and I wondered what was wrong and why Lily was so fixated about her that she had to mention her all the time?
Anything I said would open wounds and now that Lily was in front of me I was sure to break down. So I just stared blankly at her and said nothing while I waited for her to speak. It was different talking to her on skype and then sucking it up and dealing with it in front of everyone else. But Lily knew me better than anyone and she knew that giving my heart to someone wasn’t something that was going to happen a lot in my life.
“I’ve been a terrible friend. I am a terrible friend.”
“Fuck, Lily. Spit it out, you’re killing me here.”
Pushing my chair back I’d stood and paced back and forth in front of her, raking my hands through my hair.
“The baby’s yours, Jack. Rosie’s baby is your baby.”
Shocked wasn’t the word I’d use to describe my reaction as I froze on the spot. All I could do was search Lily’s worried face as she stared back at me. I was speechless. My mind raced around in circles. How could it be at all possible that it was mine? Based on her appearance she wasn’t far enough along. Then another thought overrode the first one. If there was a remote possibility the baby she was carrying was mine, both Rosie and Lily had betrayed me by not telling me.
In a startled, jerky movement, I shook my head and began to pace my kitchen floor again, raking both hands through my hair once again and then shoving them deeply into my pockets. Hurriedly, I started doing the math and concluded I hadn’t had sex with Rosie for six months and twenty three days. I knew that because the last time we had sex was Drew’s birthday.
“Lily, you’ve got this wrong. I was gone at least a month before she got pregnant, she can’t be any more than five months gone, I wasn’t even here then.”
“Jack, remember when I went to lunch with her that day? She told me then. I wanted to tell you but she swore me to secrecy.”
“You knew? You fucking knew? You never thought that your best friend might like to know that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant and he was skipping town? What the fuck, Lily? What the hell am I to you? Are you fucking serious, you did that to me?”
Rage coursed through my body and I swiped the plate of croissants off the table, sending it crashing to the tiled floor, shattering it into tiny pieces. Lily jumped in her seat, her back straightening as tears began to roll down her face. That made me even angrier.
“No use fucking crying this time, Lily. I’m not fucking comforting you. How could you do that to me? You are supposed to be my friend. My fucking friend. If there is any possibility that I am that baby’s father I’d do everything and anything to support it but you have no idea how fucking crazy I feel right now. Who are you both to deny that child its true father? I can’t fucking believe you let me go away knowing this and you kept it from me. Why the fuck did you do that, Lily?”
“Jack, she wasn’t even going to tell me. When I met her for lunch she was acting weirdly. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was off. Every time I spoke about you she almost burst into tears, but I thought that was just…”
I interrupted her, my tone was clipped as I bit back the seething feeling that was threatening to tear out of my throat. I was incensed that she’d taken a decision not to share information about me that was so massively important.
“Save it. I’m not fucking interested in your excuses. This is a child’s life, Lily. Maybe my child’s life and you kept it from me. That’s fucking monumental in my book. Who the fuck are you? I mean where did the girl go who had principles, morals? Your lifestyle has fucked with your sense of reason and decency, Lily.”
Lily stood with tears streaming down her face and for the first time in all the time I’d known her, I couldn’t stand the sight of her.
“You need to leave.”
“Jack. Stop.”
“No, you stop. You fucking stop. Out. I want you out of here. I have no fucking idea how you justified in your head that it was okay not to tell me. Even if that baby isn’t mine, I had the right to know of its existence.”
Lily was sobbing but I was already heading for the front door. Opening it, I turned to see her still standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
“Get the fuck out, Lily. If you don’t go then I’m going.”
Lily walked slowly down the hall hugging herself. She looked pathetic.
“Jack I know you’re upset…”
“Upset? Up-fucking-set? Oh I’m more than upset, Lily. I’m fucking livid. You need to get out of here before I say something the both of us can’t recover from. What a shitty thing to do to me, Lily Parnell. We’re done. I want nothing m
ore to do with you.”
A strangled sob tore from her chest and for the first time, I felt nothing. I was drowning, my lungs weren’t expanding and the pressure in my head felt like it was preventing me from seeing anything other than red mist.
Lily stepped over the threshold and turned to give me a pleading look. I vaguely saw her draw in a deep breath but I swung the door and it banged shut in her face. With friends like her who needs enemies? How I felt about Lily was immaterial. I had reasonable cause to speak to Rosie and I was definitely not leaving until I’d had my say and got some answers. Passing the mirror I noticed my cheeks were flame red with anger. All the prompting Lily had done about speaking to Rosie made sense now, but Lily had definitely done the wrong thing in my opinion.
Chapter 22 ~ Futile
My rage built inside the more I’d thought about it and I began gathering my keys and wallet. I had to know what the deal was. I was furious that I had been excluded from knowing there was the potential I could be the father of Rosie’s baby, and Lily and Rosie had kept that from me. I drove like a bat out of hell and knew I was going too fast but I had to confront Rosie straight away. I’d seen Rosie for myself and she didn’t look far enough along for the baby to be mine, but if she’d said that to Lily then she had to have thought it in the first place.
It was still only quarter to nine, but I didn’t care when the most appropriate time for waking a pregnant woman was. Taking her steps three at a time, I rang her apartment bell, holding my finger on it until I saw her shadow walk towards the door.
Cracking the door open slightly, Rosie’s face peered round it, her eyes going wide with shock when she saw it was me. She made to close the door but my foot was in the way.
“Wait. We need to talk,” I said, a little breathlessly as the oxygen deficit caught up with me. Rosie pushed the door hard in her effort to shut me out.
“Jack, I have nothing to say to you. Go home.”
I pushed back harder but was careful considering her condition.
“Rosie, I’m not going away until we’ve talked. You may have nothing to say but please let me come in. Give me ten minutes and if you want me to leave then, I’m gone. No arguments.”
Rosie relaxed her weight from the door, turned and began walking down the hallway and then into her kitchen. From behind, she was the same sexy Rosie and didn’t look pregnant at all. Maybe it was wrong to think like that at that moment but I wasn’t really in control of my thoughts. I followed behind her cautiously peering in each room as I passed for signs that her boyfriend was around. I was relieved when I found nothing to suggest he was there.
Rosie walked over to the sink and leaned her arse against it before folding her arms. Her lips were pursed in anger, but the fire in her eyes made her look even more beautiful.
“Say what you want to say, Jack, then leave me alone,” she spat, throwing one arm in my direction.
The pressure I’d felt to get what I wanted to say right was insurmountable. I was scared to open my mouth in case I fucked up the moment where we were actually in the same space and I had my one chance to say everything I wanted to tell her. More importantly, she should have heard from me six months ago.
“How far along are you? I mean when is your due date? I mean...” Fuck.
I didn’t know what I meant. I sighed and sat down at her kitchen table.
“Listen, Rosie, we need to talk. Not like this…” I gestured between us because she was still standing in a hostile pose and I thought she was going to erupt any second.
“It’s not yours. If that’s what you’re asking.”
Is she lying? Rosie couldn’t look me in the eye and her head dropped to look at her chest, her teeth biting the side of her cheek. Is she biting back a lie?
“I never asked if it was. So why would you feel the need to say that? Unless you think that it may be mine?”
I was trying desperately to keep calm and control my temper because I knew I’d get nothing if I acted volatile.
“I guess you did the math, Rosie. When Lily told me, I did the math myself and there’s a small chance it is mine. But that’s not why I’m here. Well it is.” Damn, I’m ruining this.
Gone was the quick-witted music reporter who could talk his way into and out of anything, in his place sat an inept arsehole of an ex who was waiting to see if his past was going to catch up with him. Well that’s how it may have looked from Rosie’s perspective.
“Rosie, I don’t care about the baby. No…I do. That’s not what I mean. Let me start again. If it isn’t min;, whose baby is it? Is it a boy or a girl? God, if it’s mine I want to help you.”
Rosie glared angrily at me and I could see how hard she was fighting to stay in control of her emotions. It was clear that she was upset, her knee bobbed nervously on her bent leg as her arms unfolded to reach back on either side of the sink for support. Blood had begun to drain from her hands with the pressure she was exerting on them and her stance screamed tension. Clasping my hands in a praying gesture I tried again.
“Please, Rosie. I didn’t plan what I was going to say this morning. I’m going to talk, please just listen and I’ll leave. If you don’t want to hear from me again, I’ll respect your decision. Just let me talk.”
Shrugging her shoulders, Rosie waved a hand out in front of her for me to continue. She pushed off of the sink and walked over to sit in the chair furthest away from me before chewing the side of her mouth again as she stared nervously at me.
“Rosie, I was wrong. I was so wrong about giving you up. I had no idea what a dickhead I had been to you when we were together. This here...” I waved my finger between us, “This is our one opportunity to take stock of everything we were to each other. I love you, Rosie. I’m not saying that because you’re pregnant and there’s a chance that baby is mine. I’m saying it because you deserve to hear it. It’s the truth.”
For the second time that morning I made a woman cry. The difference that time was that I felt every tear she shed. It was as if each tear was shredding my heart. My voice cracked with emotion and Rosie’s eyes flicked to my mouth before returning to my eyes. I watched her swallow and then continued.
“Sweetheart, I love you. I am in love with you. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m so sorry I walked away. I had to step away to realise what I had. What we had. I’m so sorry that I hurt you so badly. It took being away from everything for me to understand just what was important to me; who was important to me. All the time I was with you I was looking for something. Being away from you made me realise that all that time I was looking, I was looking for you even though you were right in front of me. I didn’t realise it was that we were meant to be together.”
Rosie pushed herself to stand and stared down at me as she dried her tears on her sleeve, her face was blotchy. When she spoke she was so calm it was scary.
“Apology accepted, Jack, but I don’t want you back.”
“So that’s it, Rosie, nothing else to say?” I shrugged thinking Rosie would never be this callous.
Rosie nodded. “Yes, actually, when we were together all I wanted was for us to mean everything to each other. But I found myself searching too, Jack. Searching for the moment when you would notice me, I mean really notice me like your world had suddenly turned upside down, like mine did the first time you kissed me.”
Rosie stared straight through me and drew a long shuddery breath, “You were the one man I thought would treat me right, Jack. Looking back, I don’t believe you did, but I stayed with you because I thought, or hoped, that in time you would find in me what I believed I had found in you. For over a year that didn’t happen. I gave my heart to you. You just didn’t know what to do with it. So in the time you were away, guess what? I took it back.”
Hearing Rosie put our relationship and how I had treated her into words was excruciatingly painful. My heart was crushed and I was disgusted at myself. Rosie had been feeling exactly what I’d been feeling and I never knew. The difference was she
knew it was because of me. I was the one that wouldn’t take us to the next level, the one holding us back and I didn’t do anything to help matters. I was questioning the meaning of us when the explanation was right there, I should have understood what she was to me. Rosie was right. She wasn’t allowed to be happy because of me.
“Sorry. Jesus, I’m sorry.” I whispered huskily.
My hands reached out automatically as I pulled her into a hug before I’d even thought about what I was doing. Rosie was stiff in my arms and I recognised I was taking a hug rather than her volunteering one so I stepped away to a safe distance.
“Rosie, I know my timing sucks but I need to tell you this. Not to be selfish, but just so that you know. It’s you. You were right. My heart is yours whether you take it or not. I’m sorry I’m doing this now, but I need you to understand that my heart burns for you. It’s a horrible feeling but I know why now. It’s you I’m supposed to be with.”
Rosie started to walk past me without acknowledging anything I had said and made for the door. Pulling it open she stood and swept her hand towards the corridor outside.
“Too little, too late, Jack. Obviously things have moved forwards for me. While you were working out who the lucky girl was, she moved on.”
Rubbing her bump she commented, “Stewart thinks I’m supposed to be with him too. Funny thing is, it only took him a month to figure that out and this baby? He doesn’t care who the father is because he loves me. He’s excited for her to come and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he’s going to be an amazing father. I love him, Jack, really love him.”
Shifting on her feet impatiently, Rosie tried to get me to leave again.
“Thanks for coming, Jack, the baby isn’t yours. She was conceived two weeks after the last time we shared a bed. Ultrasound scans can date conception to the day. She’s the result of a one night stand I had with a colleague from work when he was consoling me about losing you.”
Just Jack: Everything laid bare Page 16
