Just Jack: Everything laid bare

by K. L. Shandwick

  “You’re not having her, Lily. Ava-Jacqueline is my baby. What kind of a mouthful is that for a kid anyway? I’m calling her Ava. How do I get her, Lily? Where can I collect my baby from?”

  Alfie stood between me and Lily, and placed his hands on my chest which made me see red.

  “Hey, it’s not her fault. She told you it could be yours. Lily prompted you to go and see her, she did what she could.”

  “Don’t fucking defend her, Alfie. She kept it from me for six months.”

  “Just like she could have kept this from you, Jack. Lily got that letter this morning.” Alfie threw his arms out to the sides then banged his chest with one palm. “Don’t shoot the fucking messenger, dude. We’re here for you, aren’t we?” Pointing at himself then Lily, “Look at her. I’ve had to watch her tear herself up every day for that one mistake. One fucking mistake, Jack. How many have you made? You could have demanded a DNA test when Lily first told you. Why didn’t you do that? Because you believed Rosie, we all believed her. Don’t rake over the things you can’t fucking change, Jack, focus your energy on what’s next.”

  Alfie was harsh but I needed to hear it. He was right. I’d just accepted Rosie’s word. Maybe I had preferred to accept that than face my responsibilities. It hadn’t felt like that at the time though, I genuinely thought I was out of the frame.

  “Now, do you want our help or do we just go claim Ava-Jacqueline and bring her up as our own?”

  “Ava. We’re calling her Ava. I’m not having her go through life with a double-barrelled name in London. Kids can be horrible with names. It’s different in the USA, in London they shorten everything or elongate it or some shit. And no she’s mine. I’ll get her.”

  I don’t know why I had such a hang up about her name; maybe it was because I had nothing to do with naming her.

  Lily tried again to explain the process of claiming Ava and the more she said the more livid with Rosie I became. At that point I am ashamed to say I was glad she was dead for doing this to Ava and me.

  “Jack, because I have been made legal guardian, we have to fly to London to collect her, however, there are checks to be done on myself and Alfie because we are not blood relatives and paperwork to be sorted out before we can leave the country with her. She’ll stay with me until you can prove you’re her dad.”

  “She’ll what? The letter says I’m the father.”

  Lily explained, “Jack, they aren’t just going to let either of us take her because of a letter. She’s in foster care. I spoke to the local authorities this morning. We’re going to have to demonstrate our suitability to care for her.”

  “We? She’s mine. You mean I’m going to be tested on whether I can be a father to my own child? By a stranger?”

  Lily nodded sadly and stared seriously at me before she drew in a deep shaky breath and exhaled.

  “Once you have a positive DNA test there is a thing called a core assessment. That will start to look at your suitability to take care of Ava-Jac…Ava.”

  What if I see my little girl and fall in love with her and they decide, like Rosie, I’m not good enough to be in her life?

  Suddenly the room felt like it was closing in on me. Glancing around, Alfie, Lily, Rick and finally sweet beautiful Mya came into view. Everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours had rocked my world completely in different ways and I felt like I was suffocating. How could I ask Mya to be a mother to another woman’s child? How could I prove my suitability as a dad? How did I do any of that when I have no plan for any of it?

  “Sorry guys I need to get out of here. I need a minute to think.”

  Chapter 37 ~ Proof

  Absorbing everything I had learned wasn’t easy. I was an absent father through no fault of my own. Rosie must have really hated me. I was trying to figure out how someone can go from loving to despising someone so much that they would hide something so incredibly important, even from the child themselves. My heart froze for a moment at the fact that Rosie was no longer walking this earth but then my anger took over again.

  I was in Rick’s driveway pacing back and forth, my mind so closely connected to my feelings that every time a fleeting thought came into it, it felt like it hit me square in the chest. How am I going to get my baby back? How could I work and take care of her? The last question was easy, thank God. I’d use the money my father gave me when I turned of age to keep us both and would write freelance articles from home. Using the money didn’t make me feel proud, but I wasn’t going to make life more difficult for myself or my daughter if I had the means at hand. What about Mya? It wouldn’t be fair on he;, I couldn’t expect her to bring up another woman’s child. What kind of test would they give me to decide if I was a suitable father to take care of my child?

  Lily wouldn’t fight me for custody but she was right, Rosie had made her the legal guardian. Why am I still standing here? I need to get back to the UK my baby is living with strangers. Kind ones I hoped, but strangers nevertheless.

  Walking at speed back into the house, I ran into Alfie who stopped me dead in my tracks by placing his hands on my shoulders. I struggled to free myself from his grip.

  “Stop, Jack, breathe. You need a clear, calm head if you are going to deal with this. They’re not going to hand a child over to someone who seems hot headed and volatile.” I turned and stared at Alfie incredulously because this is the guy who flies off the handle about anything to do with Lily.

  “All right, Alfie, and you’d be doing what if you were in my shoes right now?”

  Alfie stopped moving. He stared back at me and when I saw his jaw tick the way it did when he was pissed off, I knew he’d be reacting the same as me but didn’t want to admit it.

  “Go. Do what you have to do, but do it calmly. Being passionate is one thing, sounding aggressive is something else.”

  I went searching for Mya.

  “I need to go to the airport.” Mya bit her lip and looked at Rick who put his hand on her wrist.

  “You’re not going anywhere. I’ll get Jed to drive Jack to the airport. Do you even know when the next plane leaves, Jack?” I shook my head. Rick ran his hand through his hair and looked briefly at Mya before looking back at me.

  “Take the jet. I’ll have it ready to leave as soon as they can get a flight path agreed.” With a stern look on his face, Rick grabbed Mya by the forearm with his other hand. “But you’re staying here, Mya.”

  Mya pulled roughly against Rick’s hands to free her wrist and arm from his grasp.

  “Like fuck I am. I’m going with Jack. We love each other and he’s going to need all the help he can get and this affects me too. Jack and I are engaged Uncle Rick. Like it or not I’m going with him.”

  My eyes flicked to Lily’s first and I noted how sad she looked. She understood that if I felt ready to make a commitment like that with Mya, I must love her deeply. Alfie slid his fingers into his jeans pockets and looked about as helpless as I felt. Rick’s face was twisted in an angry sneer as he stalked around Mya. She had determination I’d give her that, but Rick was right. At twenty she should be at college having the time of her life. I wasn’t going to tie her to someone else’s child even if she was half mine. I took a deep breath and held Mya’s hands.

  “Rick’s right, love. You can’t come with me. This is something I need to take responsibility for alone. I love you, Mya, but I have a defenceless little girl who’s going to need her daddy’s full attention. I’m sorry we can’t do this. I won’t do this to you.”

  Mya slapped me so hard across my face making my ear ring.

  “Jack Cunningham, I never had you down as someone who wallowed in their own misery. What? You suddenly don’t love and want to be with me because someone wrote a letter to someone else telling them you have a child? Man the fuck up. You need me just as much as I need you. So what? We’ll have a kid to care for. Why does everyone think I’m not capable because of my age all of a sudden? Get the fuck over it.”

  Rick stepped in f
ront of Mya and blocked her path to me.

  “No. Jack’s dealing with this by himself. I understand what he’s doing. There’s no room for anyone else in his life right now, Mya.”

  Mya burst into tears then pushed past Rick grabbing me by my shirt and clinging to it tightly.

  “Jack Cunningham. You walk away from me now, don’t you dare come back. You either trust me or you don’t. You better think carefully about that because there are no second chances with me.”

  She dropped her hand and turned to walk away but came back and stepped in close to my face. “So what, Jack, life has thrown you a curve ball? Deal with the damn thing. Or are you going to suddenly turn into Saint Jack who throws everyone out for his little princess? Let me tell you she won’t thank you for that when she’s older and she could’ve had a mom. Ava-Jacqueline needs a mother as well as a father. So am I in or not? Decide. Right now, Jack. Am I going all the way with you like you said yesterday or am I being kicked to the kerb at the first bump in the road?”

  Without any hesitancy at all I replied.

  “Right, I gave you an out and you didn’t take it, remember that Mya, because my daughter isn’t going to have someone throw in the towel when it gets a little rough at times.”

  Inside I felt relieved that Mya fought for her position in all of this because to walk away from her would have broken me. I knew I’d never be able to let her go in my heart, but I had to be sure she wasn’t going along with this just to make me happy. I’d never have asked her to take care of Ava, it had to be something she did willingly.

  Rick’s jaw dropped and he drew in a really deep breath as if he was about to say something, but before he could speak I silenced him. “Rick, remember, you encouraged this relationship so keep your thoughts to yourself. Mya and I know what we’re doing.” I had never sounded so sure of anything in my life, pity I didn’t feel the same.

  Before I knew what was happening, Alfie was on the phone arranging for his and Lily’s passports and clothing to be taken to Rick’s plane and then we were all in Alfie’s car heading to Mya’s apartment to collect some things before heading for the airport. We left Rick sulking in his kitchen and I guessed he’d stay that way until Mya and I proved we could do this.

  The flight to the UK was much shorter than the one going out to California. Having Rick’s Lear Jet made the flight much more comfortable than the premium economy seat I’d flown out on.

  Lily was beat when we arrived in the UK but I had no time to lose. When she called social services we were disappointed to find that they were going to meet with her first and would have nothing at all to do with me unless I could produce evidence that proved I was Ava’s father.

  Luckily Alfie had already arranged for a DNA test to be carried out at a private laboratory but we needed the consent of social services to have something of Ava’s. I was surprised that the standard paternity test could be done in as little as twelve hours.

  I was so angry with the standoffish attitude the social workers had with me. All of us provided them with pictures of Rosie and me and there were still texts on my phone of her telling me that she loved me and still they were treating me like an absent father. Seeing those gave me a momentary lump in my throat as I remembered that she was gone forever, but I didn’t feel what I had for her when I came back from the retreat, I just felt sad.

  The social worker on the case was more interested in Alfie and Lily and what their bands were doing instead of taking care of what actually mattered—seeing my baby. It frustrated me because I just wanted someone to see sense and let me take her home. Finally, after a lot of discussion, the younger of the two social workers saw that sense and gave permission for the test to go ahead. A swab from my baby’s mouth and a lock of hair was given and the same from me. Then the giant sized cotton-bud-like swabs were stuffed into a plastic envelope and couriered to the lab Alfie had found.

  Even if the results came back and I was her father, I still wouldn’t be allowed to see Ava until the professionals had assessed my suitability to take care of her. I hadn’t told my parents anything about Rosie or what happened between us because I wanted to be sure Ava was mine before my mother went hysterical and invited her luncheon friends to flock around us.

  After that we returned to my apartment and Mya and I were so exhausted that we fell asleep as soon as we hit the bed. We were woken up not long after by a call from Alfie to tell me the result was on its way back. Instantly I was a bundle of nerves and I just wanted to be put out of my misery. Alfie said that they would only deliver the results to me on production of photographic ID.

  Lily and Alfie arrived at my place ahead of the motorcyclist who brought the result and when I showed my driver’s licence he slipped the white A5 size envelope into my hand. When I’d signed his docket he didn’t move, obviously waiting for the fallout like the rest of us.

  My nerves caused my whole body to vibrate in anticipation of what was inside—one single piece of cheap white paper was going to change my life. Before opening the envelope I paused. What do I want it to say? I really wanted her to be mine even though I hadn’t entertained the thought of having kids yet. Once I admitted it to myself, the pressure was really on. What if she isn’t mine? If she wasn’t, then the last forty eight hours of anguish would have been for nothing and I’d be mourning the loss of a baby that wasn’t even mine.

  Mya moved by my side and gripped my arm, whispering softly that she was with me no matter what it said and telling me she’d love Ava as if she was her own. I kissed her softly and shared one last hug with her, potentially our last as a couple because when I opened the result we could be a family.

  With shaking fingers I tore the flap off the envelope and pulled out the folded piece of paper. I flipped it open and hurriedly read through the contents. It was a table of results and I noticed all the numbers were very high percentages. I skipped to the conclusion at the bottom and amongst other stuff was Jack Cunningham the number 99.9% accuracy and the statement—is the father of Ava-Jacqueline Lister. I’m her dad.

  Mya stood in front of me waiting patiently but I couldn’t speak past the huge lump in my throat. I was completely overwhelmed by the significance of finding out I had been her father all this time and my feelings of anger mingled with sadness because I was robbed of those first few months with her. I passed Mya the note and sat down whilst she read it, feeling stunned by the enormity of the letter and what it meant.

  Lily sat beside me, her eyes searching mine and I could see fear in them.

  “She’s mine, Lily. Ava is my baby.”

  I don’t know where the tears came from but suddenly they were rolling down my face and I realised it was with relief. Mya sat on the other side of me and pulled me in for a hug.

  “Let it all out, Jack. That was a terrible thing Rosie did to you. No one deserves that, but at least we can move forwards now. You’re a father and Ava has parents to care for her. What a wicked woman Rosie was.”

  Mya tried to sound measured in her statement but I could hear undertones of disgust there nevertheless. Rosie’s spiteful decision had caused me so much pain and took those precious first months away from Ava and me that I’d never get back.

  Turning to Lily, I saw that she actually looked relieved and wondered if the relief was that she was off the hook to provide guardianship or if it was because she’d been justified in eventually telling me about the baby. All of that slid from my mind because it wasn’t important any more. I had work to do to prove myself fit to care for my daughter and show that I could provide for her. Social services had also received a copy of the results because Alfie had arranged for copies to be sent to me and them as soon as they were available. When a social worker called to tell me that work would begin to assess my suitability for parental responsibility she made an appointment for the following day. Lily and Alfie left shortly after that and I was thankful for their friendship and grateful for the way they had handled everything for me so far. The rest was up to me… and Mya.


  Turned out Mya was a lists person. As soon as the others had gone, she began making a list of things she felt we needed to know and prove as to be suitable parents.

  “Are we going to stay here? Is this where you want to live once we have a baby to care for?”

  “Yes, we’re staying here for now”.

  A baby is a baby, they’re little and we’ve got a spare room. My apartment was spacious and it was close to all the local amenities and the park. Over time it might become unsuitable for a family but I wasn’t going to jump in head first and start changing everything all at once.

  Memories of cramming for an exam came to mind as we sat up for most of the night learning about attachment theories and what a four month baby’s milestones were as well as how to bring a child up with confidence and resilience. We were actually lucky because Ava was so young it was, despite the sadness of the situation, the best time for her to have a big change as she wouldn’t remember the separation and loss of Rosie and Stewart.

  I wanted my daughter surrounded with love and even though I hadn’t met her yet, I already loved her and couldn’t wait to have her home with us. We were in for some tough times though, I had no idea how to take care of a baby. One thing we had to sort out was Mya’s status. She wasn’t a UK citizen and had entered the UK on the waiver scheme that is set aside for countries that have a special relationship with Britain. But that only gave her a few months.

  So first thing the next morning I rang the authorities to find out what we needed to do to obtaining a visa for her. We were informed that even if we were married, Mya may have to go back to the USA and wait for her immigration status to be confirmed. The news freaked Mya out and she rang a few universities, made some applications and found out what she had to do to gain a student visa. I marvelled at her resourcefulness and the three years she would study in the UK would give us the breathing space to work out all the legalities of her status.