by Bloom, Anna
I sat on the bed and stared in the dresser mirror.
Yesterday still ached inside me. My body hurt in all the wrong places. My legs, my arms. The space in my chest that had hollowed to a husk.
It was all a whimsical dream. I realised that now. Childish longing. Unrequited love.
I shivered at the thought of his hands on my skin, the rhythm of his body.
The past was a funny thing. The memory. So much regret, and all for nothing really.
Fifteen years I’d been regretting not speaking on the doorstep, but now I saw I wasn’t the only one to blame. He was too.
Maybe if he’d said it differently. Maybe if I didn’t have an issue with words. Maybe if we’d each been braver.
Or maybe we were only ever meant to be two friends.
A dark and desperate ache pulled at my insides when I considered that reality.
Without thinking I pulled at my wedding ring, twisting it over the knuckle, pinching the skin until it flared red. It wasn’t coming off, so I gave it a lick and tried again.
“Mum, you okay?” I jumped at Hannah’s voice from the bedroom door. “You woke me up again. It’s not even seven.”
“Sorry.”
“Oh my god. Why are you crying?” She launched herself like a tangled tornado at the bed and almost sat on my lap. “Please don’t cry.”
I lifted my hands, my fingers swiping through the sticky hot trails. “Oh.”
She frowned at my hands. “You’ve made your finger sore.”
It was the truth. There was a big red mark above my wedding ring.
“Are you trying to take it off?”
“Yeah, I think so.” My chest heaved so hard.
“You need fairy liquid or Vaseline.” She nodded with all the knowledge of a thirteen-year-old. “Annabelle got a ring stuck. It was sooo bad her finger went sooo purple. Her mum said we needed to go to the hospital, but she didn’t want it cut off because it was her favourite. It took ages.”
Smiling, I swiped at my face again. My shoulders wouldn’t stop heaving up and down. “You’ve never told me that before.”
She shrugged.
“Hannah, please don’t be like me. Don’t let other people talk for you and tell you what to do. You’ve just gotta be you and never be scared or ashamed to show who that is.”
“Did Dad see you, do you think?” Her gaze met mine: no curtain of hair, no frown.
I licked my lips while I thought of how to answer. “I told him. He knew about my issues, but I’m not sure I’ve ever really shown anyone.” Reaching my hand out, I cupped her face. “It was always easier just to fade into the background.” With a pinprick of clarity, I realised why Hannah was talking more the last two weeks. It was because I had been. Since Matthew had come back into my life, I’d shown her more of myself then I ever had before. I’d let her in on my thoughts, the inner monologue I’d usually have hidden.
“How was Scotland?”
“Exhausting.” And heart-breaking. Life-shattering. Ultimately truth-delivering. “Hard actually, Han.”
“Why are you going into the office early?”
“I want to get the job done. I’ll be handing everyone their notice on Monday. We can’t afford to stay open anymore, and, Hannah, I don’t know why I’ve been struggling on. I think I was trying to prove my self-worth, that I could do something where I could speak to people, look confident, but I just created my own safe zone. I hid what I actually enjoy.”
“Which is what?”
“I don’t know yet. But we’ve got the chance to find out.”
She got up from the bed and reached for the dresser, grabbing a small tub of Vaseline I kept there. “Here. Let me help.”
“And you don’t mind?”
“No. Can I keep it though? I’ll keep it safe, I promise. Maybe I could use it?” She shrugged and trailed off. I wanted to shake her shoulders and demand that she never settled, that she kept pushing and pushing and be as brave as a pack of lions.
“I’d like that. Don’t let Annabelle get it stuck, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Why don’t you invite her over this week? I’ve never really got to know her.”
“Nonna doesn’t like her. She will make it all uncomfortable.”
I twisted at the ring, getting the Vaseline under the band. “That’s not for Nonna to decide. Anyway, she’s not always right. She’s always had a thing for Aunty Ange, and honestly Angela has never done me wrong. She’s always got me.”
The ring popped off leaving my finger bright red in its wake. “Here you go.” I pressed it into her palm. “Right. I’m going to get ready for work.”
She clasped her hand over the ring and slouched off the bed. “Be brave, Mum.”
“I will.”
When she’d gone, I grabbed my phone. There was a message from Angela: Told you so. I assume you need wine, wine, and more wine?
I ignored it and set off to work.
Purple Vegetables
Ronnie. Do not puke. Do not puke.
I glared at myself in the office’s mirrored restroom. My skin glistened like icing on a unicorn birthday cake.
Half an hour more and this would all be over. Just half an hour.
Supersaver Foods would be out of my life, and with it, Matthew Carling.
“Ronnie. They’re here.” Natalie peeped around the corner and sent me a small smile.
“I’m coming.” My voice tightened. Uneven. Not my own really.
Giving myself a stern and quite scary glare in the mirror I turned for the door.
My smile faltered when I saw only Amanda waiting in the reception area. Natalie lounged against the desk laughing at something Amanda was saying.
“Ronnie. Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to finish this quick. You could have only got back last night?
She didn’t know I left Tuesday night. Her and her cousin weren’t that close then? Or maybe Matthew just hadn’t mentioned me. Our brief time together was over. That would make more sense. Yes, that was it.
“Oh, I’ve had plenty of time.”
“How was Scotland?” Amanda shook my hand, firm and warm. “I hope it was illuminating.”
“I met the rest of your cousins, it was loud.” I etched a smile on my face.
“How was Lynn? She always struggles at the memorial dinner?”
I couldn’t think of Lynn’s face when I left. It was an unanswered puzzle that I didn’t want to think about; he never stopped talking about you.
I blocked it. Stupid thought.
“She seemed fine. She was very welcoming. Just you, today?” I made my voice not shake.
“Just me. Matthew is still in Edinburgh. Some family crisis.”
“Oh.” I tried to smile. “I hope the boys are okay.”
An awkward pause hung between us.
“Okay. Let me show you what I’ve come up with.” I guided her into my office to where my original drawings were on the table. Taking a deep breath, I dove straight in.
“So Matthew was telling me about his dad and the business before it got sold.”
She chuckled and drew the papers closer to her. “Carling’s Green Savers?”
“I know he didn’t want to lose the name,” I whispered. “So I tried to keep hold of the essence of it.” The branding was on point. Fred had helped me create something that bridged the gap of relevancy from Carling’s original role on the high street to what it could now be. “Savers is a play on words really. Everyone wants to save the planet these days, the big supermarkets are getting in trouble for not being environmentally friendly. All the packaging etc.”
Amanda nodded.
“So I thought about the posh fruit and veg vans that deliver organic food to people and leave it in those crates on the doorsteps.”
Another nod. Her finger ran across the image of the planet in the centre of the new logo.
I kept momentum going, not letting nerves slow me down. “And people are willing to pay. Those boxes are insane, and ha
lf of the stuff in them no one knows how to use it.”
“That’s true. I had one once with a purple vegetable in that I didn’t know how to cook. I couldn’t even find it on Google.”
“So Green Savers is about saving the planet. There’s no plastic packaging, but you can get everything. It’s the shop local people go to who want to make conscientious choices. It’s good for the planet. It keeps people coming to the high street. It’s environmentally and pocket friendly.”
“It’s a greengrocers?”
Her eyes met mine and I began to giggle. “It’s a greengrocers. So many people wish things were the way they once were. The big supermarkets are struggling to give their customers food not wrapped in God knows what.”
“And.”
“Well, Carling’s isn’t a big supermarket is it? It never has been, that’s why it’s failed. It’s a small shop on the corner that you can dash into and save your dinner. Apart from now, people will see the sign and not only will it be a convenience, it will be a conscious decision to stem the tide. To stop time turning and to go back to something simpler and better. People want to help the environment, but they want it to be easy.”
“It’s a very bold statement.”
“I’ve got all the figures run. The organic delivery boxes are killing it. What Carling’s will be doing is taking that green box of planet friendly and healthy goodness and they will be giving the customer the chance to come in and browse, to swerve the purple veg that no one knows what to do with.”
“A greengrocers?”
“I’d quite like to go to one again, wouldn’t you? Chat to the guy behind the counter, have the time to look at everything, not rushing and having my kids shoving God knows what in the trolley when my back is turned.”
Amanda nodded. “I think he’ll like it.”
I shrugged, but it hurt—I couldn’t hide it.
I didn’t know if he would like it. All those years we were friends and he never once told me his father was a grocer. But I’d given the rebrand my best shot, using my gut instincts. That was the best I could do for Supersaver Foods.
“I need to get this all sent off. Time is of the essence.”
My eyes widened. “Just as well I finally got the right idea.” I stared at the pictures one last time and then pushed them and the small storage drive across the table. “Everything is on there. The numbers, all Fred’s mock-ups. Research.”
“Thanks, Ronnie.” She stood up and offered me her hand. “Are you okay? You seem very pale.”
“No. It’s just been a long week.”
“That’s what he said too.” She tilted her head and looked me over. “I’ll make sure word gets around that you are in on this, that this was all you.”
“And Fred.” I smiled. “But, no need. Let’s hope the administrators agree to the rebrand first.”
She pulled a face. “It’s been nice getting to know you.” She looked like she wanted to say more but cut herself off. I walked her out to the lift, past a red-lipped Natalie and an anxious-looking Stewart.
Once she’d gone, I turned and gave them a thumbs up. “Phew.”
“Well done, Ronnie.” Stewart looked like he could cry. It didn’t make what I was about to do any easier.
“Stew, can I have a word?”
Even Natalie’s lipstick paled.
I gestured him in and closed the door.
“Well done, you. I can tell you right now our bank balance will be looking far healthier now that cheque is coming in.” He lounged in the office chair, his tie askew. How old was he? Forty? No ring, pot-bellied but with a love of number crunching that couldn’t be restrained.
I’d miss him and his endless suggestions for dinner.
I scrunched my face. This was harder than I thought it would be. I looked through the glass wall to Natalie outside who drummed her fingers against her desk. Fred was walking out of the lift, rumpled and crumpled and in need of a good iron. I watched as he leaned against Natalie’s desk, his gaze shimmying down her blouse.
Ha. Told you, Matthew Carling.
Fred waved at me through the glass and blew me a kiss and a wink.
Oh. Okay.
Well anyway.
“Stewart, I think you know what I’m about to say.”
“That you want to go for dinner with me so we can discuss finances in detail?” He pushed his glasses back onto his face.
“Uh. No.”
“That you will give us all a bonus day off for all the hard work we’ve put in?”
I flicked a guilty glance at Fred. He really did give up an entire Sunday to help me get the job done.
“Can I afford to give you all a day off?”
“Well… no.”
“Stewart. Even with Supersavers, how low are things looking? I know I’ve been pinning a lot on the big rebrand income, but it can’t have helped that much.”
He palmed his shiny forehead, his fingers searching for hair. “We are going to be short on rent for the office space.”
“By how much?”
“A least a thousand.”
“But that means everyone is still paid until the end of the month?”
“Yes, and the month after. I’ve allocated sixty days per employee out of the forecasted earnings.” He loved numbers.
“But I will still need to dip into Paul’s insurance money to make ends meet?”
He nodded.
“That’s Hannah’s money. It’s so she can see the world and live a life without her father. I shouldn’t be using it to keep myself busy so I don’t have to sit in my mother’s house all day and feel sorry about the way things have turned out.”
Stewart shifted. “Ronnie, sleep on it. You’re tired. You and Fred worked through the night, get some sleep and then look at it with fresh eyes.”
I opened my mouth to tell him I was seeing things with fresh eyes. I was seeing myself for the first time. I wanted to fight against my need to not say anything at all. I couldn’t let this go. I couldn’t leave it another day. I couldn’t say anything at all.
“Stewart—”
Natalie cut us off by knocking on the door. “Ronnie, there’s a Liam Carling on the phone.”
My stomach plummeted. It shot through the floorboards and into the office below. “Oh.”
“He has the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard.” Natalie leant into the door, sliding on it as she swooned.
“He’s married.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Are all the men you bring to this office married?”
God. Who knows?
I walked around my desk and dropped into my seat. My bones ached. Dog tired would mean the dog still had the energy to bark—I was long past that.
“Liam?” I picked up the call and ignored the fact I could see Stewart, Natalie, and Fred watching me through the glass.
“Ronnie. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye the other night.” His voice was cool and very professional. Not the drunken Scot roaring in his mother’s front room.
“My fault. I had to get back to London in a rush.”
“Hm.”
“How can I help you, Liam?”
“I’ve seen your rebrand for Carling’s.”
“Already?”
“Amanda was so pleased she spammed the whole family on WhatsApp.”
My stomach lurched again, but I kept myself together. This meant Matthew had seen what I’d come up with. He knew what I’d come up with was a greengrocers—the one thing he’d always hidden from me; a greengrocer who would save the planet as well as its customer’s dinner.
Panic ripped a deep chasm in the middle of my chest. Ugh, God. It wouldn’t be enough. It would be laughed at.
“I was hoping you might consider working with a friend of mine?”
I couldn’t hear him over the thudding in my head. The flap of failure dragged me down into its murky depths. My palms slicked. My neck hot.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
“I’m sorry?”
“I
’ve got some friends; you know how it is in small business these days. A lot of them are clinging onto their place on the high street. I think you could help them.”
“I can’t make everyone into a planet saver. It doesn’t work like that.”
“No, but you could give them a facelift. Make them stand out.”
Friend on the high street? What high street? It didn’t exist anymore; the world was supermarkets and Amazon. Deliveries and convenience.
“Liam, I…”
“Sleep on it, hey? I can’t come to London until the week after next, but I can call you tomorrow to see what you think?”
“Liam. My business…”
“Don’t rush. I’ve emailed over my prospects. I’ll call tomorrow.” He hung up, gone without even a proper goodbye.
Just what exactly did Liam Carling do?
I shrugged at the others through the glass. That was weird, more than weird, but I guessed I could sleep on it one more night.
“Just remember that with best friends, I am it!” Ange clinked her glass against mine. The wine tasted sharp on my tongue and it burned on the way down. Distracted, I turned the bottle and checked the label.
“Hey!”
I smiled, but it took effort. My energy supplies, the burning determination I’d run on since Edinburgh had sizzled out. “You are, I know. And for the record I’ve never said otherwise.”
Ange heaved herself up, using one elbow to anchor on the couch from where she sat on the floor. “So how was it? And don’t even pretend that you didn’t do anything. Don’t even think I haven’t noticed you’ve taken your ring off. Does this mean we can go out double-dating now? I mean I assume that you and Matthew amounted to nothing just like I always said.”
My cheek warmed but I also winced. Jeez, she didn’t need to be so brutal about it. “Shh. Hannah is in the kitchen.” I cast a glance at the door. Hannah had willingly sat down at the kitchen table and cracked on with her maths. There’d been very little snorting and breathing fire. Things to always be positive about. “Anyway, don’t be so mean. Sometimes you are so cutting.”
Ma was out and had been all afternoon since I’d got home. A bit strange for her.
