by Wade, Calvin
I dropped the bags at the end of the drive, it was a breezy day, but they were both too heavy to blow off.
“You’ll need to pick them up though lads, there’s six grand in one of those bags and a gift for each of you in the other!”
“Yeh right and I suppose Kylie’s keeping your bed warm, Charlie!”
“Have a look if you don’t believe me!”
I opened the limo door, climbed inside and one of the two henchmen slammed it behind me. As expected, Kiffer was sat there, he was on a mobile phone organising a purchase of shares with his stockbroker, but was just rounding up as I sat down.
“Good morning, Charlie! Are you well?” Kiffer asked jovially as though we were two friends out for a trip together.
“Never better thanks, Simon! And I mean that, never better!”
I replied, ensuring he was fully aware that I was no longer intimidated. He had his thugs in his corner, I had God in mine.
“Good,” Kiffer managed a half smile, “that either means that you have my money or you have perfected your poker face. For everyone’s sake, Charlie, I hope you have my money.”
“Poker was never my game, Simon!”
“So where is it?” Kiffer asked politely. I was already aware he could move easily from good thug to bad thug.
“The money? It’s in a plastic bag outside. Kevin and Bobby made me drop it on the path. I suppose in your game, you worry about what people might be carrying, but you’ve nothing to fear from me. I even brought each of you a present!”
Kiffer’s smile became a full one. The whole scene was being played out like something out of a gangster movie where everyone is perfectly amiable, then someone takes out a handkerchief and a gun with a silencer and blows brains out, even wearing God’s armour, this was still a concern.
“Did you hear that, Marcus?” Kiffer was saying to his driver, “Charlie here has gone and bought us all presents, isn’t that nice?”
“Lovely!” Marcus commented from the front. He turned and gave us a golden toothed smile.
“It is, isn’t it?” Kiffer said. “Like an apple each for the teachers!”
The passenger door opened again. Muscles stood there open mouthed.
“You’re not going to fuckin’ believe this, boss! He’s only gone and brought the fuckin’ money!”
Kiffer was emotionless. “All of it?” he enquired.
“We don’t know yet boss, but there’s shitloads in there!”
Muscles shut the door again and returned to counting the money.
“It’s all there.” I told Kiffer.
“I’m sure it is, Charlie, haven’t I always said you are a man I can trust?”
“I don’t remember you saying it yesterday!”
“Nice guys don’t play in our playground, Charlie.”
There was a brief silence. A calm one rather than one where I felt increasingly threatened. Kiffer broke it.
“Go on…tell me where you got it from!”
“Simon, it doesn’t matter where I’ve been, all that matters now is where I’m going and where I’m going, I won’t be seeing you. I think it’s time I started playing in that other playground, the one where the nice guys play.”
“People like you and I, Charlie, we don’t belong with the nice guys. We live for the rush. Nice is boring.”
“Nice guys aren’t often found face down in a ditch though, Kiffer or in a brown sack in the Mersey. In this seedy life I’ve led, I was always going to cross paths with you eventually. Our lives were like a Venn diagram, as long as I kept drinking and gambling, there was always going to be that intersection. From today though, my life changes. Changes for the better. Gambling, drinking and loan sharks have no further part to play in my life. I’m moving on.”
“You’ll be back, Charlie. You’ll miss the buzz. We’re born gamblers, Charlie. We’re chancers. You’ll be back!”
“Maybe not. Maybe one day you’ll come looking for me, not to threaten me or do me over, I mean if you want to change direction in life too.”
On cue, the limo door opened once more. This time it was “The Smirking Giant” who stuck his enormous frame inside. He was smirking too, from one side of his face to the other.
“Here you are boss! A present from Charlie! He’s bought us all one!”
The Smirking Giant threw a Bible into Kiffer’s lap.
“A fucking Bible, Charlie! What am I going to do with a fucking Bible? Smash people over the head with it!”
“Or even read it,” I answered.
“Me and God are on different sides, Charlie! He hates what I do, but the devil, he admires it. When I die, Lucifer will pat me on the back and welcome me home!”
“Just keep it,” I said, “you never know, one day you may turn to it, you may feel like you need it!”
“I doubt it Charlie!”
“Well, keep it anyway. Just in case.”
Muscles pushed his head through next to his colleagues, “He’s good for the whole six grand, boss!”
“Good.”
“Am I free to go?”
“You’ve always been free to go, Charlie!” Kiffer said, “this is a limo, it isn’t the fucking Hotel California!”
“I’ll leave you guys to it then!”
I made my way towards the open door.
“Look after yourself, Charlie! There’s something about you that I fuckin’ like! Balls of steel! There’s not many of us left with balls of steel!”
I stepped out the limo, the hoodlums climbed back in and our lives moved on in different directions.
I felt dirty after that confrontation, so I undressed myself in the bathroom and ran the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a fat, ugly middle aged man. I hated everything I had allowed myself to become but as I said, sometimes you have to reach a dead end before you realise you are going the wrong way.
Roddy
Kelly was so excited, she was almost wetting her pants. This annoyed me. I lived a double life around Kelly. To her face, I was, what is technically deemed a good mate, I was upfront about finding her attractive but she did not know the true depth of my feelings. I idolised her. This was why it was so hard watching her pace around excitedly in a field in the middle of rural Lancashire, in nervous anticipation of the arrival of another man. A man that I knew only too well that she wanted to be romatically linked with.
“Kelly, will you stop bloody fidgeting! This bloke has not turned up in previous years, so don’t you be getting all soggy knickered about him showing up today!”
“Why shouldn’t I be excited, Roddy? I have a good feeling in my bones about today!”
I remember immediately thinking about how I’d have liked to have given Kelly a good feeling in her pubic bone. I understood how Dexy’s Midnight Runners felt about Eileen.
“Well, I hope for your sake he turns up!”
“But from a purely selfish perspective, you’d rather he didn’t?”
“We’ve been over this, Kelly, I’m not being selfish, I just think you can do so much better than chase after a man who no longer seems to care. That’s all.”
Kelly came over to me and gave me a hug. She was very tactile with me, which messed up my mind even more, to be honest, but equally I craved that intimacy. Class clowns can have a deeper side and enjoy a good cuddle!
“Roddy, you are only being protective because you don’t know Richie. I spent my teenage years growing up with him and I can’t recall a moment that he was anything other than lovely.”
There is nothing more soul destroying than a platonic friendship with a Goddess. I looked at my watch.
“Lovely or not, he’s late.”
“Why, what time is it?”
“Five past twelve. How long, in addition to the four years you’ve already given him, are you going to wait?”
“Look around you, Roddy! This scenery is stunning and the weather is wonderful, why do we need to rush off? We can stay here as long as we want!”
We both knew th
is was a lame excuse for staying.
“We can, but that would make you a sad and desperate woman. This is meant to be last chance saloon, Kelly, let’s not start giving him extra lives. You said you’d only give him until ten past twelve. Maintain your dignity.”
Kelly looked at me like a puppy begging for a biscuit.
“Ten more minutes?”
“Five…hang on, what’s that on your nose, Kel?” I could see instant panic setting in on Kelly’s face.
“Roddy, what is it? Is it snot?”
“Snot! Why would it be snot?”
“I get hayfever! I blew my nose before, did I leave some on my face?”
“Yes, you did!”
“Shit! Where is it? On this side?”
Kelly ran one of her fingers down the left side of her nose. “No, no, it’s on the tip.”
Kelly continued to search with her finger.
“Where Roddy? I can’t feel it! Bloody typical this! I am about to see the love of my life for the first time in years and the first thing he’s going to see is a big bogey dripping off the end of my nose!”
“Do you want me to get it?”
“No I do not!” Kelly stated firmly.
“Why?”
“It’s a bogey! My bogey! It would feel wrong you getting it. You’ll be offering to wipe me after I’ve had a wee soon!.”
Kelly was like the Queen to me in this sense, in that I did not like to entertain the idea of her having a wee.
“I don’t think I will. I’ll get that bogey though! Come here!”
“No! Roddy Baker leave my snot alone!”
I tried to grab Kelly and she dodged me playfully. I pursued her long enough to get her in a playful bear hug and she giggled, a little hysterically, then, out of the blue, things turned serious.”
“Roddy, stop!”
“It’ll be off in a second.”
“No, seriously, STOP.”
“Why?”
I turned to look over my shoulder. In the distance, I could see someone approaching from the top of the road, down the hill, a couple of hundred metres away. Even from a distance away, you could see he was tall, presumably good looking and attractive.
“Is that him?” I whispered as though he was two metres away.
“I think so.” Kelly whispered back, “have I still got snot on my nose?”
“No.”
“Did I get it off ?”
“No.”
“How come?”
“There was no snot. I was just getting bored, so I invented it…are you OK?”
“I’m crapping myself. What am I going to say to him?”
“You can start by saying ‘hello’!”
“It’s pearls of wisdom like that which convince me I was right to bring you!”
“Don’t insult me or you’ll have my snot on you in a minute. Shall we stop whispering?”
“OK.”
Kelly still whispered her OK, but I resumed normal tones.
“I thought you said he was a big bloke, he only looks about an inch
tall!”
I made a gap between two of my fingers, closed one eye and showed Kelly how he could fit between them.
“Very funny! Somehow I think he might grow to over six feet tall in a minute.”
“Really? You best watch out, Kelly, if he keeps growing at that rate, he’ll be as big as King Kong by the end of the day. He’ll have you in one of his hands and there’ll be a load of two seater planes flying round his head on the Sunny Road!”
Sometimes Kelly didn’t understand my sarcastic humour.
“What?”
“Have you never seen the 1930’s Kong film with him battling planes from on top of the Empire State building?”
“No.”
“You haven’t lived!”
”Roddy, can you just be serious for a minute and show me some support. He’s getting closer, is it too late to run?”
I would have loved it if Kelly had run, but I knew those words would never become an action.
“Deep breaths, Kelly! Deep breaths!”
“Do you think this is one big mistake, Roddy?”
I could have been vindictive, but it wasn’t in my nature, especially where Kelly was concerned. Something within me would always prevent me from doing anything to upset that girl. Nothing has changed there!
“No, Kelly it’s not a mistake. You’ve said yourself, it’s something you have needed to do. You have felt the need to see Richie again and here he comes!”
“Thank you, Roddy!”
“What for?”
“For being you. For being the best friend a girl could have.”
I was beginning to accept that’s all we would ever be. Just good friends.
“No problem. It’s time for me to make a sharp exit!”
Kelly tried to cling on to my arm.
“No, Roddy, don’t go! I need you here!”
“No you don’t Kelly, you’re a big girl now.”
“Well, at least stay and say hello.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Kelly, this isn’t about me, it’s about you and Richie. I need to leave you to sort this out for yourself. Good luck Kelly!”
I headed off in the opposite direction from which Richie was arriving. In truth, from my perspective, it was not about Kelly and Richie at all, it was just about me! I was trying to look and sound magnanimous, but really I just didn’t want to meet Richie Billingham. I was happy with the mental image I had created of “Dick”, good looking but vain and self-obsessed and I knew it would be harder to character assassinate if I genuinely liked him. Rather than take the chance, I scarpered. That was one reason anyway, the other was more obvious, it would have broken my heart to see Kelly, the girl I worshipped, being romantic and affectionate with anyone other than me.
When I was a child, my Dad, now dearly departed, used to sing a song to me every time I was feeling a little low. It was called “Spread A Little Happiness”, Sting did a version of it in the eighties, but my Dad told me that it was originally from the twenties, from a musical his grandfather had seen called Mr. Cinders. My Dad’s grandfather used to sing it to his Dad, my grandfather used to sing it to my Dad and when I was a kid, Dad sang it to me. One day, I’ll be singing it to my own children, to keep up the “Baker” tradition. Anyway, the reason I’m telling you this, is that on my way back to the hotel, from Kelly’s ‘Sunny Road’, I sang that song to myself to try to cheer myself up. It worked a little, but not a huge amount. Only Kelly could have blown away my bad mood and patched up my broken heart, but way back then, to be frank she just didn’t want to. All hope seemed lost. I was pretty sure on that depressing trek back to the hotel, that Kelly Watkinson would never be mine.
Jemma
Melissa was always smart beyond her years. When it was time for her to start school, she was more than ready. Nursery had been good for her, as she had been a very clingy child at first, frightened by the idea of spending time away from her Mummy with strange adults and children who did not understand the concept of sharing, but she adjusted. It was a slow process, but six months into nursery, the tears stopped and Melissa began skipping in, every morning.
By Easter of her second and final year at nursery, things began to change, as Melissa began to find it less challenging.
“I’m bored of playing baby games with the little ones”, Melissa announced one day on our journey home, “I’m a big girl now!”
The lack of mental challenges was not the sole reason that Melissa fell out of love with nursery. A second reason was the company she had to keep there. Jamie, her younger brother, had started and even in those formative years, Melissa had deduced that any place Jamie was, was not a cool place to be! Jamie was not smart beyond his years! He was smart enough to know how to cause trouble, but not clever enough to know when to stop! Prior to Jamie starting at nursery, toddler group had been an embarrassment, as he bit his way through more children than any child since Vlad
the Impaler’s pre-school days, but no amount of telling off or solitary confinement in his room or on the ‘naughty step’ led to a realisation that his behaviour needed to change. The aforementioned biting was often accompanied by kicking, pushing and even punching, which led to mothers aiming looks at me that should only have been directed at sluts and whores! I was just a mother of a poorly behaved child! It was not my fault…or maybe it was, I was consumed with guilt that it was my genes that were the issue. Melissa was kind, caring and intelligent, like Richie, maybe Jamie was strong minded, stubborn and troublesome, like me or even more scarily like my mother! I bet Vomit Breath had sunk her yellow gnashers into a fair amount of flesh over the years! Maybe Jamie was becoming a mini Vomit Breath. Now that was an uncomfortable thought.
When the children were little, my relationship with Richie was definitely tested more than it had even been before. I would imagine there comes a time in every relationship where it has to be worked at and to be brutally honest, at that point, I closed my eyes to the problem and made no effort at all. All my effort to get through from one day to the next with minimum damage, was concentrated on the children, especially Jamie. Going from no children to having one, is a culture shock when you are so used to doing what you want to do, whenever you want to do it. It is a major shock to lose that spontaneity. All of a sudden, everything needs planning with military precision. You cannot go anywhere without the formula, the bottles, the baby food, the cot, the car seat, the nappies, the changes of clothes, the pram, the toys and the dummy! Then, when you have two children, you don’t even have the ability to pass the baby over to your partner for some “me” time, as there is another one that needs looking after too! Once you have two children, you appreciate how easy it was when you just had one! Richie and I would not have coped with a third child, especially not if the third was a similar type to Jamie, so I was always on at him to have a vasectomy. Admittedly, this was like putting a cape under the nostrils of a wounded bull! Richie used to say that asking him to have the snip was like telling a bald man that he needed to have a haircut!
With hindsight, I appreciate things were not great in our marriage at this point, but I am not saying that the blame lay squarely with me. It was our collective fault. Looking back, we failed to communicate properly. Richie was happy to moan about his lack of sexual opportunities and I was equally happy to criticise him for not providing enough of a helping hand around the house, but we were not adult enough about our own situation to subsequently talk through proper solutions. We should have been talking about how Richie could help me more and as a consequence, I could be energised and could then try harder to find time for Richie. It was not just sex that Richie was crying out for, it was physical and emotional affection. We had transformed from a tactile couple to a couple who could find time to hug our children but not each other. “I love you”, came to be something we said rather than something we meant.
