She was slim, and while she didn’t have the strength of a man, she did throw herself into the work, and he felt mildly bad about that. She had enough to do in the house without helping him out here. He wasn’t exactly helpless. Add to that, he’d overheard part of her conversation with her brother ... and she’d been cleaning up after him? He liked that even less. She wasn’t “the woman” to clean up after every man within reach, brother or not.
Jeb pulled a knife out of his pocket and cut the twine on the bale. The hay sprung free, and Jeb grabbed a pitchfork from a hook on the wall and spread fresh hay on the floor of the stall. He eyed Leah for a moment, watching her struggle with another shovelful of muck. This was enough. She might want to help, but he wasn’t going to let her do man’s work. He reached for Leah’s shovel and she looked up.
“You don’t need to do this,” he said.
“I’m following your sister’s advice,” she said, stepping outside the stall and grabbing the pitchfork. “And she was right. You’re my husband, and I should understand you.”
Understand him . . . Did she really want to do that? Under his grouchy veneer was a man with a lot of pain and very little trust. There was a reason why he kept to himself. But she didn’t seem like she was going to be dissuaded either.
“Understand what exactly?” he asked.
She met his gaze, then shrugged. “Why you are the way you are, I suppose.”
“And how am I?”
She blinked at him, and he smiled, showing her he was just being difficult.
“Fine,” he said, and he started shoveling once more. “Did you actually think I was some sort of eunuch? Did I give you that impression?”
“It’s the scars,” she said. “I know you were hurt very badly in that fire, and people said—”
“Do I seem . . . less of a man somehow?” He fixed her with a stare. He wasn’t wanting to demand the right answer, but he did want to see if she was lying. Did he give off the impression of a man who’d lost his ability in that arena?
“No, you seem . . .” She sucked in a breath.
“Yah?”
“A little frightening.”
He blinked at that. “Wait—I scare you?”
“A little bit,” she said quietly, and she looked down at the hay, breaking off the eye contact. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be insulting, it’s just that—”
“The scars,” he concluded.
“You’re used to them and I’m not, I suppose. But you’re also very big, and rather muscular,” she said.
“That’s not normally something a woman complains about,” he countered.
“And . . . gruff.”
Yah. She had him there. He knew he wasn’t the gentlest beast around, but he’d been doing his best to soften himself around her. Apparently it hadn’t been enough. He didn’t like the idea of scaring her.
“Do you think I’d hurt you?” he asked hesitantly.
“I’ve never seen you angry,” she replied.
So, she wasn’t sure. He clenched his teeth. “I’m not that kind of man, Leah. I’d never raise a hand to you, or make you do something you didn’t want to do. I believe a wife is a partner, and that God will judge a man by how he treats her.”
“Oh . . .” She nodded. “That’s good.”
“You probably should have asked me this before you married me, you know,” he added.
“I suppose I thought separate bedrooms would take care of it,” she said.
“And you changed your mind on that?” he asked with a small smile.
He’d have to be gentler with her than he’d been, apparently. He hadn’t meant to scare her. It had been such a long time since he’d been around people ... been around a woman . . .
“I suppose it was just—” Her gaze flickered up toward him, then away again. “I know that women who can’t have children don’t appeal to men. I suppose it’s natural.”
“What?” He squinted at her. “You actually think that?”
She sucked in a breath. “I’m not some naïve young thing. And Matthew did love me. I can’t explain it any other way. The minute he realized I couldn’t have kinner, he ... changed.”
“And you think that’s because a woman who can’t give birth is somehow less appealing. Less attractive,” he said.
“Jeb, we agreed that our relationship—” she began.
“And you think that’s because I’m not attracted to you?” he burst out. Could she really think she could stand in his kitchen in a nightgown and not get his full and undivided attention?
She blinked at him. “Yah.”
Jeb laughed softly. It was ridiculous, but then, she’d been through a lot. He stepped closer to her, so close that if he leaned in just a little, he could cover her lips with his ... but he wouldn’t. Instead, he stared down at her.
“That’s not true at all. Look at you. You’re gorgeous. I’ve thought so for years. You’ve got this way about you that draws a man in. I notice you—your eyes, the way your lips purse when you’re deep in thought ... this part of your neck—right here—” He ran his finger over the soft flesh just above her collarbone. “I can see your heartbeat there ... I can’t explain Matthew. He’s an idiot. I can pretty much guarantee you he didn’t love you as much as he claimed if he could just change course like that, but that wasn’t because you aren’t a beautiful woman.”
She opened her mouth to speak, then slowly closed it.
“I’m attracted, okay?” he said, and he lowered his voice. “Very attracted. I see you in my home, in my kitchen ... and I feel a whole lot. So never think our arrangement is because you aren’t beautiful enough.”
She needed to know that, and he hoped it didn’t scare her. Maybe it would if she ever sensed the things he’d been thinking about in connection to her lately....
“Then why haven’t you—insisted?” she whispered.
“Do you want me to?” he asked. He caught her gaze, holding it. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she said yes—but he might do it right here and now. He could very easily consummate this relationship if she wanted him in that way. And in the dimness of this stable, with his beautiful wife staring up at him, that flutter of her pulse at the base of her neck tugging him closer ... with some fresh hay just across the aisle, he could very easily make good on that ... and regret it later, when he started wanting a whole lot more emotionally from their relationship than she cared to give. But physically—he was very, very capable.
Leah shook her head, and he carefully reined it all back in again. She didn’t want him that way, and he wasn’t about to press the issue. She was allowed to say no.
“Then, there you go,” Jeb said quietly, and he stepped away from her again.
Leah licked her lips, her gaze still locked on him, and he sucked in a slow, deep breath. What did she think of him? He still wasn’t sure. She was softening toward him. She’d never once said something cruel or biting. But he could still see that wariness in her eyes.
“Can I ask you something, though?” Jeb said, picking up the shovel again. “How come you cleaned your brother’s kitchen?” She blinked at him. “I overheard you talking to him,” he explained.
“Because it was filthy,” she replied.
“For the record, I don’t think a woman should be worked to the bone either. And taking care of one home is quite enough. You don’t need to clean up after Simon,” he said.
“I was just helping him a little bit,” she replied. “He can be a bit of a slob.”
“My wife isn’t going to be worked like that,” he said. “By any man.”
“He’s my little brother,” she said with a smile tickling her lips.
“I’m not going to have people talking about how hard you have to work with me,” he said.
“They won’t.”
“You really think that?” He turned back to the shoveling, heaving the soiled hay into the waiting wheelbarrow.
Besides, Jeb had noticed that Simon tended to lean on his older
sister a little too readily, and he didn’t like the thought of Leah’s affection being taken advantage of. And Simon, while he obviously loved his sister a great deal, had been more than willing to offer her up in a marriage for his own convenience. So maybe Jeb was feeling protective of Leah right now. She had the right to say no to him, and to her brother’s wishes, too.
“He’s not a little boy anymore,” Jeb replied. “Just remember that.”
She met his gaze, then nodded.
“Leah, you wanted to understand me a bit better,” he said. “So I’ll tell you this much. I don’t like being taken advantage of, and I don’t like my wife being taken advantage of either. Your life should be better because you married me, not harder. You shouldn’t have double the work.” He cleared his throat. “Whatever we are, whatever our agreement about this marriage, I want you to think you made the right choice in taking me on.”
He didn’t know how else to say what he was feeling—the depth of his responsibility toward her, how seriously he took those marriage vows. She was his wife, and it was his job to provide for her, keep her safe, and ensure her happiness ... even if that happiness was dependent on him keeping his distance.
Chapter Thirteen
Leah came back into the house, and the screen door bounced shut behind her. She stood there in the cool of the kitchen, her heart pattering in her chest.
Jeb was attracted to her—very attracted. All her assumptions about Jeb had been wrong. He’d called her beautiful. And when he looked down at her, she’d seen that desire blazing in the depth of his eyes. Only today had she realized that he was capable of following through on it.
And yet he hadn’t.
She took off her boots and headed to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. Even Matthew had never told her about his feelings for her quite that clearly. He’d been more poetic. He’d likened her eyes to velvet and her fingers to the whitest of eggs. He’d told her that he longed to call her his own, and that nothing could change his feelings for her. But he’d never been quite so specific as Jeb had been.
She put her hand over the spot in her neck that he’d touched, and she could feel the tremble of her pulse under her fingers. He’d noticed that ...
Do you want me to?
Jeb’s voice had been so deep when he’d said that, and she couldn’t but wonder what would have happened if she’d said yes. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine he was another man—younger perhaps, less battered by life. But she’d heard the very real offer in those words, and she felt the tingle of goose bumps.
Except she’d been honest when she said no. He might be her husband, but she still didn’t really know him, and when she lay in bed at night, it wasn’t Jeb that filled her thoughts. She still thought of Matthew, sorting through his words, wondering how he’d moved on to Rebecca so quickly. Had he been interested in her at the same time he was courting Leah? Because Matthew and Leah were going to get married that fall, and a wedding still happened—except Leah was no longer the bride. Matthew had moved on to Rebecca so swiftly it had left Leah spinning. It did make her wonder if there had been some overlap there ...
But Matthew had moved on, and Leah had determined to do the same. She’d even gotten married! However, when a woman was lied to, it was harder to move on until she could make emotional sense of it. Maybe that was just self-punishment.
Leah dried her hands on a kitchen towel and looked around the kitchen. She pulled open a drawer—the farthest one from the drawers she’d already explored—and pulled out some serving spoons, a potato peeler, and a pair of oven mitts that looked like they’d been overly used and then shoved into a drawer. There were some recipe cards, and she pulled them out—one for a tuna salad, one for a shoofly pie, and another for a macaroni salad. There was another card at the bottom of the drawer, and she pulled it out.
But this wasn’t a recipe card after all. It was a folded piece of paper, and on the outside of it was written in bold letters, Jebadiah.
It wasn’t for her—obviously—but the page was only folded once and it had been crumpled on one end so that it hung open, the beginning of the letter already in view. The paper had been folded for a long time, and it crackled a little as she opened it up.
Dear Jeb,
You’ll realize that I’m gone. I can’t do this anymore, and I’m sorry that I even accepted your proposal. It was stupid of me to go through with it, but I honestly thought I’d forget Aiden.
I haven’t. I love him, and I always have. My parents said I’d forget him, but how could I? He’s the one man I’ve ever loved, and he’s asked me to run away with him.
Please, don’t tell anyone for a few days. I know you aren’t any happier in our marriage than I am, but if they come after me and try to make me come back, I won’t come. It will be uglier that way. I’m sure you can appreciate that.
So goodbye. I’m sorry it has to be this way, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the wife you wanted. I wasn’t kind, or pleasant. I didn’t want to be, but please know that I’m not like that all the time. Not with Aiden. I won’t even ask you to forgive me. You don’t need to. I’m going English, and I’m not coming back.
Katie
Leah stood with the letter in her hand for a moment, the words sinking in. Katie had meant to go English? When had Jeb gotten this letter? Because Katie most definitely died in that fire ... Leah had been at the funeral. The whole community had been there.
Had Jeb known this?
The side door opened, and as the sound of Jeb’s boots on the wooden floor thumped through the mudroom, she hurriedly tried to refold the letter and smooth down the crumpled end of the paper. Then he appeared in the doorway.
“I just came for a glass of—” His gaze fell to the letter in her hands. “—water.”
She stopped fumbling and looked down at the paper in her hands. “I’m sorry, Jeb. I was going through kitchen drawers and I came across it.”
“What is it?” he asked, then his gaze focused on the paper and the color drained from his face. “So, you read my letters now?”
His dark eyes flashed, and he strode across the kitchen and took it out of her hand, then shoved it into his pocket.
“It was wrong of me,” she stammered. “I’m sorry.”
“This was private!” he snapped.
“It was in a kitchen drawer!” she retorted. “And it wasn’t in an envelope. It was just there with a mess of recipe cards! If you want to keep something private, I’d think you’d go to more bother than that.”
Jeb stood there, motionless. The crumpled paper poked up out of his pocket, and he seemed undecided about what to do exactly. Leah went to the tap and got him a tall glass of water, then brought it back to him.
Jeb accepted the glass, his dark gaze fixed on her.
“I didn’t know,” he said after a long moment.
“That she was going English?” Leah asked, shaking her head.
“I didn’t know . . .” he repeated, but he sounded hollow, and he cast her a look of such deep sadness that her heart skipped a beat in response.
“What happened?” she whispered.
“I only found it afterward,” he said. “She wasn’t there for dinner, and Peter had gone out to visit someone, so it was supposed to be an evening with just the two of us. I thought we’d have dinner ... alone. But there was nothing prepared, and this letter must have blown off the counter, because it was on the floor and I didn’t see it. I was wandering around the house, looking to see if she was doing laundry, or maybe if she’d gone out to the garden, when I smelled smoke, and I looked out the window, and saw the barn, and—” His voice trembled. “She had a cell phone out in the barn. I’d found it the day before and we’d fought. I told her that it was against the community rules, and . . . and I knew why she had it. She was calling him. And yes, I was jealous. What husband wouldn’t be?”
“Why was she in the barn?” Leah asked.
“She must have been calling him again. At least that’s what I assume, l
ooking back on it. Maybe she was getting him to come pick her up. I don’t know. But when I got to the barn, there were already flames, and I could hear her screaming, and I tried to get in there. I went inside again and again, but I couldn’t get to her. I was close ... I know I was close! I heard her coughing, but I couldn’t get to her. I collapsed in the smoke. A firefighter pulled me out. They didn’t find Katie alive.”
“What caused the fire?” she whispered.
“A frayed wire on her cell phone charger. That’s what the fire investigator said, at least.” He shrugged weakly. “I’d seen the charger, but I didn’t know it was a fire hazard. I guess I knew that confronting her on it wouldn’t fix anything. She hated me, and I wasn’t the one she loved. But if I had, she might still be alive.” His voice caught. “Peter showed me the letter when I got back from the hospital. I don’t know why he didn’t show me earlier. Maybe he was afraid I’d be implicated in her death. But while I knew she was in love with another man, I had no idea she was leaving me that day. I’m glad I didn’t know. There was no hesitation on my part. I did everything I could to save her. It just wasn’t enough.”
Katie had been leaving him . . . walking out to be with her Englisher lover. And while everyone was worrying about Jeb’s role in her death, no one knew this.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” she asked.
“You mean, why not try to set them straight?” he asked bitterly.
“She wasn’t the sweet girl they all thought,” Leah said. “She was cheating on you, Jeb.”
“Yah, she was,” he agreed. “And that fact would have made me look even more guilty—Englisher cops would think I wanted revenge. Which I didn’t. We were both caught in this misery. And I was perfectly willing to live out my life as a single man if she left.”
“I still think you should tell the bishop at least,” she said. “They’re judging you more harshly than they should, Jeb. They think you were some cruel husband and she was just a sweet girl. They have no idea she was being unfaithful and was going to go English. If anyone deserved some sympathy, it was you.”
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