by Matt Haig
‘It happened in London. That’s why we moved. Someone he met at one of his seminars. Jess-ic-a.’ She said it like that. Jess-ic-a. As if it was the name itself which had caused her pain.
‘That’s terrible.’
‘It wasn’t anything serious. That’s what he said. It didn’t mean anything. It only lasted two weeks. But I knew something was wrong. There was a bad energy, you know. And then I found them together. I saw them, with my own eyes. I’d been away visiting my parents and came home early and he was there -’ She stopped, closed her eyes, and remembered something she couldn’t describe. ‘It was terrible. And now it’s happening again.’
‘Oh, Emily, I’m sorry. But it doesn’t make sense.’
‘What . . . what doesn’t . . . make sense?’
‘How anyone would want to do that to you. And I’m absolutely sure Simon will have seen the error of his ways.’
‘But I can sense it. There’s something wrong. Something not quite . . . balanced . . . you know, with his aura. He’s annoyed with me, because I can’t . . .’
‘Can’t?’
‘I can’t give him what he wants.’
‘I don’t understand, what does he want?’
She lifted herself away from Adam’s shirt and, as she did so, Adam snatched a glance at her chest. ‘Children. He wants a baby but I can’t give him one . . . I’ve had all the tests.’
Adam sighed.
‘Well,’ he said, gently. ‘I think the best thing you can do is talk to him. Talk sensibly.’
Talk sensibly? Wasn’t that what Adam himself had refused to do with Charlotte after the row about her new boyfriend?
‘Did you mean that?’
‘What?’
‘What you said a minute ago.’
‘What did I say?’
‘That you didn’t know how anyone could do that to me.’
There was a silence. I tried to break the silence by nestling my head between them.
It didn’t work. In fact, it seemed to have the opposite effect.
‘Yes, I . . . I suppose I did.’
What was happening? What was going on here? Adam. The Family man. The faithful husband. I mean, he had been acting strange recently and he certainly had a thing for Emily. But surely he would be able to control his instincts. He was a human, for dog’s sake.
They moved closer towards each other again, creating dangerous tension. They were going to kiss. They really were. And kissing other women was bad for the security of the Family. I didn’t need Henry to tell me that.
I barked.
I jumped right up on the bench and barked and as I did so the kiss-threat evaporated into the air.
Adam pushed me back down and said to Emily: ‘Have a talk to him. That’s always the best way, isn’t it? I’m sure it will put your mind at rest.’
As they moved away I sensed something. Someone. Watching everything. Instinctively, I knew it was someone in the new house. A human. I looked up, and right, to see Simon. He was standing at the window, leaning forward, his fingers separating the blinds.
There was a reflection on the glass, making it difficult to see.
I looked closer, at his face, to try and read what he was thinking. To try and see anger. Or jealousy. Or surprise. But I couldn’t. Again he surprised me as I saw something else.
He was smiling.
The Labrador Pact: Never deter others from their mission
Labradors must remain supportive of each other at all times. When asked for advice regarding another’s mission, we must be as constructive as possible. If we believe another Labrador is losing the battle, we must never say so.
We are the last breed to recognise that our actions are behind those of our masters, and as such we should remain strong. To do this, we must stick together.
In a world which fails to understand or acknowledge our beliefs, it is important that Labradors can find courage and support from each other.
Seek strength through unity, and we shall always remain true to our cause.
night
In the middle of the night I woke to the sound of the cat-flap.
‘Sorry, darling,’ Lapsang miaowed gently. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘It’s OK,’ I told her, and rested my head back down.
After a short while, when I realised I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I said: ‘Lapsang, can I ask you something? ’
‘Yes, of course you can. Fire away.’
‘When you are out at night, do you ever go to the park?’
‘The park?’
‘Yes.’
‘No, sweetie. You must be joking. Dog territory. I wouldn’t go near. Why do you ask?’
‘No reason,’ I said. ‘It was nothing.’
blood
Henry sniffed me for a long time, to assess my state of mind, before asking: ‘Where was he standing?’
I pointed my nose towards the largest upstairs window, the blind now closed. ‘That one, there.’
‘And he saw something?’
‘He must have.’
‘But they didn’t kiss?’
‘No. I stopped them.’
‘You did well, Prince. Hopefully, the moment of danger will have passed.’
‘Yes,’ I said, a gust of wind forcing me to stagger sideways. ‘Hopefully.’
Henry paused, raising his nose to catch a scent. ‘Prince, can you smell something?’
I sniffed too, but couldn’t identify anything unusual. Only the far-off fragrance of our two masters, sitting on the bench. I glanced over, and saw Mick leaning forward, blocking my view of Adam. ‘I can’t smell anything.’
‘Something is wrong,’ Henry said, in an even more serious tone than usual. ‘Follow me.’
He started to trot over towards the bushes, keeping his nose high in the air as he travelled. Following close behind I too caught the scent, just for a moment. Henry stopped, once he had made his way around the last flowerbed, and his body flinched. Whatever he had seen it had stopped him from moving further forward.
‘What is it?’ I asked as I joined him.
But already I had translated the scent. It was blood. Dog blood.
Henry turned to me. ‘Can you see? There, between the bushes.’
Lack of movement made it difficult to focus. ‘No, I ca-’ But then I saw it. Her. Lying on a bed of wet leaves, eyes open, neck shining black, plant-damage all around.
‘Oh, Joyce, no.’
Having managed to compose himself, Henry moved in for a closer inspection.
‘There has been a fight,’ Henry said. ‘And judging by the damage to the bushes, she put up quite a struggle.’
‘Can you smell any other dog?’
Henry lowered his nose so it was underneath Joyce’s throat. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Only us. The rain must have washed it away.’ He sniffed further. ‘She’s been dead for some time, at least a day.’
I looked at her again. At her open eyes, her outstretched legs, her smoothed-back fur. It seemed strange that a dog who spent most of her life cowering in a bush should die in such an active pose. She looked like an overgrown puppy, frozen in mid-gallop.
But when I looked closer, I saw her eyes were glazed with fear, and shock. As if the secrets of her death went beyond even her worst imaginings.
‘We will find whoever did this,’ Henry said.
‘How?’
‘I don’t know. I will have to think about it. In the meantime, this must not interfere with your own mission. Your Family must come first.’
‘Yes, Henry,’ I said, watching a fly land on the part of her neck which had been torn open so savagely. ‘The Family must come first.’
shakespeare
Charlotte was ill. She couldn’t go out to the theatre because she was ill. That’s what she had said, and so to prove it she had spent the whole evening crouched on the stairs, holding her stomach with one hand and the banister with the other.
‘Mum, I can’t.’
‘We’ve b
ooked the tickets. We booked them months ago.’
‘Mum, you go. I’ll be OK. Just take the mobile and if I get worse I’ll call or leave a text.’
The thing is: she wasn’t ill. I knew she wasn’t, but what could I do. She smelt as healthy as ever. I’d sniffed her from head to toe and there were absolutely no ill-smells to detect.
Hal wasn’t making things easier. ‘Mum, it’s Shakespeare. Charlotte can’t even spell Shakespeare.’
Adam placed his hand on his jacket pocket. ‘Has anyone seen the car keys?’
Charlotte made a moaning sound, and bent forward. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I can’t.’
‘Ah, there they are,’ said Adam.
‘It’s S-h-a-k-e-s-p-e-a-r-e,’ said Hal.
‘I’d better take my glasses,’ said Grandma Margaret. ‘Bill always used to say: “Remember your glasses.”’
Kate didn’t say anything, just looked at each member of her Family with growing exasperation. Then she looked at me, her eyes fixed in such a way that it seemed she was searching for something. For what, I don’t know, but it was definitely something she thought I would be able to provide.
property
Charlotte stared out of the living-room window as the car pulled away down the street. The moment it had disappeared she ran back into the hallway, picked up the phone and dialled.
‘Hi, it’s me. You can come over, they’ve gone.’
This was not good. Whoever she was on the phone to, she was clearly breaking the rules. And breaking the rules was not good for the Family.
I followed her upstairs to her parents’ bedroom. She went to the mirror and started plucking hairs from her eyebrows. She painted her lips and then sprayed on so much perfume she completely disguised her natural scent.
The doorbell rang.
We ran back downstairs. I barked my warning but knew that it was useless.
The door opened. I ran straight out and sniffed the stranger for clues. Heady teenage boy smells quivered in the air. Tobacco. Stale piss. Sweat. Lust. Total despair. He had a board with wheels. I sniffed that too.
‘Sorry about my dog.’
‘No, he’s cool. I like dogs.’ He rubbed the back of my neck. ‘What’s his name?’
I wasn’t fooled. I knew who was rubbing the back of my neck. It was Danny Thomas. The total bloody nightmare.
‘He’s called Prince. Really original, I know.’
‘All right, Prince, OK, boy, OK, good boy, good. Hey that’s private property.’ He pulled my nose away from his crotch.
Charlotte laughed and opened the door wider, for Danny Thomas to come inside. Inviting danger. I noticed that he was wearing a dog lead, the way Charlotte always did, dangling from his big, baggy jeans.
Danny Thomas came inside.
‘Nice house,’ he said.
‘I think it’s horrible,’ said Charlotte.
‘Should see mine.’
Charlotte smelt awkward, and said: ‘Do you have a dog?’
‘Yeah. We do. We’ve got a Labrador as well. Dad tried to take her, when they split, but Mum got possession.’
This didn’t make sense. If he had a Labrador, he had a happy Family. Unless, of course, the Labrador came too late. That happened. Henry had told me. There were Labradors who couldn’t do anything to save their Families, who had entered into a situation already beyond their control. But this was rare. I had never encountered such a Labrador. Or such a Family.
Danny Thomas sat down on the sofa. I sat down in front of him, keeping a close eye. And nose. Charlotte also sat down and nestled her head into his chest.
‘What time are your mum and dad back?’
‘I don’t know. But not before ten.’
‘If your dad could see me now he’d kill me.’
‘He wouldn’t.’
‘OK, but he’d definitely chop my bollocks off.’
I noticed, at this point, his hand. It was moving, very slowly, towards Charlotte’s left breast. Charlotte noticed it too, although she didn’t seem to mind. Fortunately, the hand posed no obvious threat. Once it arrived at her breast, it rested there, as if waiting for something to happen.
‘What do you want to do?’
‘I don’t mind. Whatever.’
And then, without any warning, their mouths locked. I didn’t know what was happening. The previously dormant hand started moving.
I was worried.
How far was this going to go? I wasn’t prepared to find out. I had to act. I had to break the mood. I had to do something.
I had a shit on the carpet.
But it took a while. For the smell to hit them.
‘Oh, Prince,’ Charlotte said, eventually unlocking herself.
Danny Thomas started to laugh.
‘I’d better get some stuff to clean it up.’
‘Look at his face,’ said Danny Thomas, pointing at me. And then, looking at the mess I had made: ‘Oh man, that is disgusting.’
I was sorry, I really was, but I was only acting in their best interest. Well, Charlotte’s best interest. But as it turned out, it didn’t make a difference.
What happened?
This:
‘Charlotte?’ It was Adam, halfway through the front door.
‘Dad?’ Charlotte froze, kneeling on the floor with a handful of shit and toilet paper.
Danny Thomas looked behind him, seriously contemplating the window.
Adam shut the door, still oblivious. ‘You’ll never believe it. We got to the theatre and we forgot the tickets. The others are still there. I’ve got to -’
I ran out of the room and jumped on him while he was still in the hallway.
‘No, Prince. Down. Down. Down, boy.’
I was improvising. Trying to give Charlotte time. Time for what, I didn’t really know. To get out of the room, I suppose. To shut the door behind her. To not let him go in. But she didn’t get the hint. She was paralysed by fear.
He was five steps away.
Things are always within my control, I said to myself. But how could I have predicted this?
Four, three . . .
By now, Adam was picking up on the silence. The fear. Many dogs deny this is possible. That humans can only sense what they see. They are wrong.
‘Charlotte?’
. . . two, one...
He pushed back the door and, with it, all my hard work. There was still shit on the carpet but he didn’t notice. I rushed over and pushed my nose in it. Right into the shit. He still didn’t notice.
Charlotte’s face plummeted out of position. Danny Thomas laughed, nervously. It did nothing to help his case.
‘Dad, Danny just came round -’
Adam said nothing at first. Just stroked the back of his neck, twisted his head, waiting for the air to reach maximum intensity. Then, after a while, he said to Charlotte: ‘What a miraculous recovery.’
‘I’m sorry, Mr Hunter,’ said Danny Thomas, twitching like a terrier, unable to meet Adam’s eye. ‘I just came round.’
I started to wag. I wagged like I had never wagged before. A fast, happy, make-love-not-war side-to-side tail swoosh. But my powers were waning, I realised that.
‘Get. Out.’
So that is what he did, Danny Thomas. He got out. He picked up his board with wheels and left the room, flinching his way around Adam.
‘Seeya, Charlotte,’ he shouted courageously as he opened the front door.
Slam. Danny Thomas was gone.
‘Dad -’
‘Don’t dad me, young lady.’
‘He just came round.’
‘Yes. Of course he did. He just came round. Purely coincidental. The one night we leave you on your own.’
‘But it’s true. And we weren’t doing nothing wrong.’
‘Look, Charlotte. The truth is, we’re all tired. Tired of all your lies.’
‘What lies?’
‘Enough of your cheek.’
‘We were only watching telly.’
‘Well, good, becau
se that’s all you will be doing. For the next two months.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean: you’re grounded. You want to act like a child, you’ll get treated like one.’
‘I’m thir-teen.’
‘Yes, exactly. Three years before you can even start to know your own mind. So that’s it, the last word. Two months. I don’t know how much clearer I could have made it. I’ve told you enough times what a horrible little hooligan he is.’
‘I hate you.’
‘Look, in ten years’ time you’ll look back and realise just how unreasonable you are at the moment.’
‘You’re the worst dad in the world.’
‘Right, get your coat.’
‘What?’
‘Your coat. You’re coming with me, to the theatre, seeing as you are suddenly so much better. Perhaps we can start to get you to think with your mind instead of your hormones.’
‘I wish I’d never been born.’
‘At last. A statement we can all agree on.’
Charlotte stormed out of the room to get her coat. ‘God,’ she screamed down from her bedroom. ‘This is so unfair.’
For the first time, Adam looked down at the mess on the carpet. But even as he looked, he didn’t really seem to notice, as if there was always a pile of dogshit in the middle of the floor. As if it was meant to be there. No. As if he liked it being there. As if he too wanted to pull his trousers down and defecate all over the house.
He grabbed my collar and pulled me towards the door. ‘Come on, Prince, out you go. Into the kitchen.’
The Labrador Pact: You are always in control
Every aspect of Family life is within the Labrador’s control. Every argument, every worrying incident, every change in behaviour - all remain under one powerful influence.
No situation is so serious it cannot be resolved through our powers of secret diplomacy. For everything there is a solution. It is the duty of Labradors to make sure they find it.
laughter
Kate was on her hands and knees, violently scrubbing the carpet. She had not said a word since she had arrived back from the theatre. In fact, no one had, not even Grandma Margaret.
