He saw his sons from time to time, but they rarely came to New York. They were married to nice women, had happy, stable marriages and children, and liked the cities where they lived and worked and the worlds they had there. Joe felt completely superfluous to them, and of no use or interest. They didn’t need him. He had visited both of them during the holidays, one at Christmas and the other one at Thanksgiving, and in both cases felt he had become an object of pity and not respect.
He hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on in the apartment on a dark night in February. He was sitting at his desk with nothing to do there, as he did so often now, out of habit. He had nothing to occupy his time anywhere, and no one to talk to now that Karen was gone. He had lost contact with everyone, even his closest friends. He didn’t return their calls, and eventually they stopped calling, which was a relief. He was too ashamed. He had just put the apartment on the market, he needed the money to live on, and he had no idea what to do, or where to go after that.
As he thought about it all, which he did every night now, and had for many months, he unlocked a drawer in his desk, and quietly slipped the gun he kept there out of its case and held the weapon in his hand. It was loaded, and he sat holding it for a long time. This wasn’t the first time he had done that, but he hoped tonight would be the last. He had had enough. Through force of circumstances, bad luck, and his own mistakes, he had become entirely redundant. He served no useful purpose, to his children, his clients, his ex-wife, or himself. His life was completely useless, and exiting now would be a mercy for him, and probably not even surprising to his children. They seldom called him, and he couldn’t blame them. When they did, he had nothing to say. He had no relationship with his grandchildren, whom he saw too seldom, and lived too far away for him to be engaged in their lives in a meaningful way. Nothing in his life mattered to him now. He was ready. He cocked the trigger, and slowly raised the gun to his head. And then, as in a very bad movie, the phone rang. It was after midnight, and the number that came up on his phone was unfamiliar to him. Probably a wrong number. No one ever called him at that hour. In fact, no one called him at all.
The phone continued ringing, and then, both annoyed and curious, he set the gun down. He was in no hurry, but he didn’t want to lose his nerve again, as he had several times before. He couldn’t go on any longer. He wanted out. It was time. But just this one last time, he answered the phone.
“Hello?” His voice sounded ghostly, he hadn’t spoken to anyone in several days. He hadn’t even left the apartment, and he had had two stiff scotches that night to steel his nerve.
“Joe? It’s Bill. I’m sorry to call so late. I just flew into town from Europe. You haven’t called me in ages, but I wanted to let you know I’m here.” It took Joe a minute to find his voice. Bill had been one of his closest friends. He was six years younger than Joe, but they had gone to business school together, and Bill had given him good advice at the beginning of the mess with his partner, and then, too embarrassed to call him again, Joe had faded away, as he had done with everyone else. It was hard to lose the respect of his colleagues and friends, and he knew he had, although Bill had always been a good friend, and hadn’t been judgmental when he gave him advice. And some of what Bill had suggested had helped Joe extricate himself with less damage than there might have been otherwise. Bill knew the late hours Joe had always kept, so he had dared to call him at that hour, which he wouldn’t have done with someone else. “How are Karen and the boys?” Bill added, and Joe let out a long slow sigh, as he realized they hadn’t spoken in a year. He sat staring at the gun on the desk, in the light of the streetlamps outside.
There was so much to tell him to bring him up to speed that Joe didn’t know where to start. He had let Bill know when his ex-partner went to prison, but Joe hadn’t contacted Bill again after that. “What are you doing in town?” was all Joe could think of to say at first, by rote, responding with a question instead of answering Bill’s inquiry about his wife and sons.
“I’m here with Lily. It’s a long story,” Bill said, sounding tired. “I was wondering if you want to have dinner with us tomorrow night. Karen too, of course, if she’s in town.” Bill thought she was more than a little wacky now, but after all, she was Joe’s wife, and he had liked her in the past, before she found her guru, traveled to India, and became somewhat nuts. He had great respect for Eastern religions, but Karen had seemed “off” to him for years.
“She’s not here.” Joe said quietly. “We’re divorced. I just got the final papers last week. She’s living in Nepal.”
“Oh dear.” Bill wasn’t entirely surprised. “I’m sorry to hear it. But she’s been on that path for a long time,” he said practically, and thought Joe was better off, although he wasn’t sure how Joe felt about it.
“Yes, she has. And the boys are fine. Still in Cleveland and Atlanta. We finally settled all the lawsuits, I’m sorry I didn’t keep you abreast of that. It was a royal mess, and it closed down the business, but at least it’s over. And Roger is in prison, where he belongs. Actually, it’s been kind of a clean sweep. No wife, no business, no career.” He wanted to add “no future” and “kids who don’t need me,” but out of pride if nothing else, he didn’t want his old friend to know how depressed he was. The gun lay gleaming in the light from outside, and Joe ran a finger gently along the barrel, planning to pick it up again and use it at the end of the call.
“I’m sorry you had such a tough time,” Bill said sincerely. “I should have called, but somehow time slips by for all of us, I guess.” It was a poor excuse, but they both knew it was true.
“What about you? How is beautiful Lily?” Joe asked, as he thought of her. She had always been a golden child. She was years younger than his children, who were in their thirties, but he could still remember how thrilled Bill had been when she was born, and ever since, justifiably so. He had never met as enchanting a child and, later, young woman.
“I’m actually here for her,” Bill said in a somber voice. It was late for him, after the trip from Europe, and he knew he didn’t have to put a good face on it for Joe. They had always been honest with each other. Or at least that was what Bill thought. Joe had been his closest friend at Harvard, and for many years thereafter, and he had deep affection for him. “She had an accident in Squaw Valley six weeks ago. We’ve been there ever since.”
Joe was worried the moment Bill said it. “Is she all right? Was she still training for the Olympics?” He had gone to the junior games with Bill three years before, when she won the bronze medal in downhill racing, and Joe had had a great time there with Bill.
“She’ll be all right, but she’s not training for the Olympics right now,” Bill said, sounding tense. “The chairlift broke at Squaw, the cable snapped, she had a hell of a fall. She has a spinal injury, Joe,” Bill said in a choked voice, fighting back tears again, which happened to him too often now. “A bad one.”
“Oh my God,” Joe said, unconsciously pushing the gun away from him. “How bad?”
Bill started to say she would be fine, as he had for the last six weeks to everyone who asked him, but this time he was honest with his old friend, and himself. “I don’t know. That’s why we’re here. She was operated on by a woman in Squaw Valley. I don’t know if she’s any good. They say she is, but she’s a small-time local doctor, and who knows? I just took Lily to London and Zurich, and it wasn’t good. We’re seeing someone here tomorrow, and I’m taking her to Boston after that. Her spinal cord is severed, and she’s in a wheelchair for now. It’s been a hell of a shock. She’s dealing with it better than I am, but it’s hard on her too. She’s been through a lot.” Joe could hear the tears in Bill’s voice, and his heart ached for both of them. Compared to his problems of a life gone awry, a failed marriage and business, this was infinitely worse. It was a young girl’s life.
“You’ve been through a lot too,” Joe said in a voice full of emotion and compassion. “What can I do for you?” Bill had always been there for him
, now Joe wanted to do the same for him, even if all he could do was lend moral support.
“Nothing. We’ll see what the doctors have to say. I’d love to see you tomorrow, though, if you’d like to join us at the hotel for dinner. Lily hasn’t been out yet. She just got out of the hospital a few days ago. And I think it would be embarrassing for her to go to a restaurant in the chair.” He had never asked her about it, but it was how he felt.
“Of course. I’d love to see you. I’ll be there. What time?”
“Why don’t you come at six o’clock so we can talk? I want to catch up on all your news too, and how everything shook out in the end.” It seemed ridiculous now that he hadn’t spoken to him in a year. They had been such good friends and still were. It was odd the way life sped past you sometimes and you lost touch. Bill felt as close as ever to him now as they talked.
“I’ll be there,” Joe assured him. “And Bill,” he hesitated for a long minute, “thanks for calling. You’ll never know how much it meant.”
“I feel the same way. I really needed to talk to someone tonight. I’m glad you were up. Thanks, Joe. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow,” he said in a voice full of emotion.
“So do I,” Joe assured him, and they hung up. Joe looked at the gun on his desk and felt as though he had just woken up from a nightmare. What Bill and his daughter were going through was so much worse. Joe felt guilty and self-indulgent as he picked the gun up, removed the bullets, and put it back in his desk. He locked the drawer with a shudder, thinking about what he had almost done, and what it would have been like for his children, and the person who found him. He felt now as though someone had thrown cold water in his face. Maybe Karen wasn’t the one who was crazy—maybe he was. One thing was for sure, he knew, as he stood up and walked away from his desk—whatever happened, he was not going to do that again. All he could think about now was Bill and Lily, and hoped he could do something to help them. He owed him an even bigger debt than he had before, when Bill had advised him about his business. This time, without even knowing it, with his well-timed phone call, Bill had saved his life.
Chapter 9
THE DOCTOR BILL took Lily to in New York at the Hospital for Special Surgery was even more discouraging than the two in London and Zurich. He took the time to explain to Bill at length and in detail why Lily would never walk again. He made diagrams and showed him models, he pointed out where the damage was on the X-rays and scans, and he described the effect an injury at that location would have on her legs. The only good news, as they had told him before, was that it was low enough that her lungs and diaphragm were not involved. He spent over an hour with Bill in his office, and when they left, Bill had no illusions that their meeting with the neurosurgeon in Boston would be any different. He had hoped that one of these surgeons would either tell him that she would recover, or offer to operate on her again and give her back her legs. He knew now that that wasn’t going to happen, and why. Barring a miracle in stem cell research, Lily was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Bill had to fight back tears when they left his office, and Lily was strangely calm. With each doctor they saw, even though they didn’t discuss it in front of her, she could see from her father’s expression that Jessie had been right. Lily had believed her and understood it earlier in Squaw Valley. Her father hadn’t. He had had to drag her halfway around the world to three other doctors in order to begin to understand.
“I think my dad is finally getting the message,” Lily said to Jennifer when they got back to the hotel. He had looked deeply depressed after the meeting with the surgeon.
“How are you doing?” Jennifer asked her. “Holding up, with all these doctor’s visits?”
“I’m okay,” Lily said quietly. “I just want to go home now. Although I’ll miss you when I do.” She smiled at the young nurse. Jennifer was leaving to go back to Squaw Valley as soon as they took Lily to Craig Hospital in Denver, the day after they got home.
“I’m going to miss you too,” Jennifer said honestly. It had been an incredible trip for her, to London, Zurich, New York, and Boston tomorrow, staying in fancy hotels in fabulous suites, ordering room service, and flying around on a private jet, even if they didn’t see much of the cities they were in. She knew she’d never do anything like it again in her life, and it was an experience she’d always remember, and maybe tell her children about one day. She was sorry there hadn’t been better news for Lily about her prognosis, but neither she, Jessie, nor Lily had expected there to be, only Bill.
“Do you want to go out for a while?” she suggested that afternoon. It was a sunny day, although it was cold in New York, but not as cold as it had been in Europe or Squaw Valley when they left. It was nearly March and almost felt like spring, although people had said the weather would get colder again. But for now she thought it would do Lily good to get out and get some air, instead of going to doctors, watching TV, and playing cards all day.
“Yeah, okay,” Lily said, and Jennifer helped her put her coat on. Bill had bought her a parka in Squaw Valley when her Olympic team jacket had been destroyed. And he had bought her some clothes for their trip to Europe and New York since all she had had with her were ski clothes. She was wearing jeans and a sweater, the new red parka, and running shoes she’d brought to Tahoe in case she worked out in the gym. He hadn’t found much for her in Tahoe, and Lily didn’t really care. She had plenty of clothes at home.
Jennifer wheeled her into the hotel elevator, after letting Lily’s father know they were going out, and he thought it was a good idea too for her to get some air. He suggested they do some shopping on Madison Avenue, or go to Barneys, and handed Jennifer his credit card. He still hadn’t understood how impossible it had been for her at Harrods, and trying anything on would have been a major ordeal. It took her a long time to get dressed, although she had already learned how to help Jennifer do it, and she was good at maneuvering into her chair now. Her arms were getting stronger, but shopping was no longer going to be the fun it had been before her accident.
The two young women set out on Madison Avenue, and looked into the shops, but they didn’t go into any of them. They went almost as far as Barneys, and then turned around and came home. It had been invigorating, but it upset Lily to realize that she was now below people’s line of vision, and they looked right over her. If they spoke to anyone, they spoke to Jennifer, who was at eye level with them, while Lily was completely ignored.
“It’s like I don’t exist. They don’t even see me,” she complained to Jennifer on their way back to the hotel. “No one talks to me. They talk to you.” Jennifer knew that what she was saying was true, and had noticed it herself.
“I think people get embarrassed when they see someone in a wheelchair,” Jennifer said thoughtfully. “They don’t know how to react.” At the hospital, they always spoke to people in wheelchairs, but out in the world she had seen that no one did.
“It feels weird, like I became invisible all of a sudden.” And she was just as uncomfortable when they got in the elevator at the Carlyle again, and she was at waist level to everyone in it. They looked right over her head and never looked down. And when Jennifer maneuvered the chair out of the elevator, they looked away. She could see that Lily was upset when they got back to the suite. It was a whole new world she had to adjust to, and the way people reacted to her in it.
And when Joe saw her at six o’clock when he came to visit them, he almost burst into tears. Lily was so young and so beautiful, and she was sitting in the wheelchair in the living room of the suite. In spite of what Bill had told him, seeing her that way was a huge shock. He tried not to let it show, but he was very distressed, particularly knowing how vital and active she had been before. After all, he had seen her win a bronze medal in the Junior Olympics, and now she was in a wheelchair, and would be forever. It was easy to understand why her father was so upset. The two men left to chat in Bill’s suite, while Jennifer flipped through a magazine and Lily texted her friends.
“Not well,” Bill said with a deep sigh. “I started this trip thinking I could find someone to save her legs and her ability to walk, but it’s been bad news at every stop. I don’t think it will be much better in Boston tomorrow. We’re going back to Denver tomorrow night, and I have to put her in a rehab hospital there the next day. She’s going to be in rehab for three or four months.” Bill was looking seriously depressed, but happy to see his old friend, although he thought he looked considerably older than he had a year ago. Joe had been through enormous challenges, and it had been even harder than Bill realized. If he had known that his friend had been on the verge of suicide, he would have been shocked.
“Why don’t I come out and see you, while Lily is at rehab? I don’t have anything to do here. Maybe I can give you a hand with something out there, or just keep you company for a few days.” Bill looked relieved as soon as he said it, and loved the idea. He dreaded Lily being at the rehab hospital and not at home, and he knew he was going to be lonely without her, although he planned to visit her every day.
“I haven’t thought about it yet, and didn’t want to. But I may have to build some ramps and things to make life easier for Lily when she gets home. Our house really isn’t accessible for a wheelchair. I may have to put in an elevator too. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to, but it sounds like I will.” It was the least of their problems, but something he knew now that he’d have to do. It was the beginning of acceptance for him. “Maybe you can give me some ideas.” He was going to hire an architect if he had to, but he liked the idea of Joe visiting him while Lily was away, maybe even for a few weeks, since she would be at Craig for three or four months, which seemed interminable to him. He had never even let her go to sleep-away camp as a child.
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