I hold myself steady and immediately tell them number four. I’m asked if I’m sure several times. They bring each of the other’s forward one more time. I repeat, “It’s number four. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind it’s him. I will never, for as long as I live, forget that face.”
We are escorted out and taken back to the first room. “I have to know. Was Ashley, the girl in the other room, his victim?”
“I can’t confirm that,” he says. “But, I can tell you this: The suspect you positively identified as your rapist is the young lady’s attacker from last night. I can also tell you his name is Jason Hoover.”
“Jason Hoover,” I whisper to no one in particular. Having a name to go with my rapist’s face after so long is strange.
We leave the station and as we head home thoughts of Will are running rampant through my mind. How did he catch him? Where was he? Did he know it was Ashley? I realize Will didn't have to act on the noises he heard. He could have ignored them and kept walking last night, minding his own business. But I shake my head to rid the thought from my mind because I know that is not Will. He is brave, and he saved Ashley last night... and with earth shattering clarity everything falls into place. If Will had known what was happening to me when he saw me in the truck, he would have acted differently. Everything I know about him confirms it. But, if Will thought I was there by choice, maybe he walked away because it hurt him to see me there. It still crushes me that he thought I would leave the party with someone else, but I begin to see that his reaction was a testament of his feelings for me.
I ponder this the whole ride home and vow to do something about it.
Chapter 42
I fall asleep when I get home. Just as I wake up, the doorbell rings, and I get up to answer it. No one else seems to be around, and the house is quiet. I open the door and, standing before me with a cast on one hand, and kicking something invisible on the ground, is Will. He’s so handsome he literally takes my breath away. A lock of hair has fallen in his eyes, but he doesn’t shove it away. He peeks out at me from underneath it, his eyes searching mine.
“I know you probably don’t want to see me, but the detective called to tell me you’d been by the station. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
All I can think about is having his arms around me, holding me tight. Shaking myself from the thought I respond, “I did, and surprisingly, I’m fine. He told me what you did. I’m sorry you broke your hand. Does it hurt?”
He looks at me with a slight smile, “I have pain pills.”
Unable stop my mouth, I say, “You’re obviously not taking them because if you were, you wouldn’t be here.”
“There’s my mouthy redhead!” he blurts out. “I’ve missed her.”
Those words remind me just how much I love this guy, and why I need him in my life. He gets me, and appreciates my smart mouth, and Lord knows that doesn’t happen often. The thought makes me chuckle and I realize in this moment that it’s coming back. I’m coming back.
He notices the change and asks, “You’ve got a slight smile on your face. Why?”
“I was just thinking you’re the only one that actually appreciates my smart mouth. Truth be told, I’ve realized several things. I know, now, if you had known what was happening to me when you saw me in the truck that night you would have acted differently.” I look down at the ground before continuing, “I know your reaction to seeing me, then leaving, was because you had strong feelings for me.” I wait just a beat before asking, “Am I wrong?”
Will steps toward me, stopping with just a breath’s distance of space between us. “No, Tori, you are definitely not wrong. I wish I never left that night. I’ve beaten myself up over and over. I was in love with you then but was too chicken to tell you. You are the bravest girl I know.”
This is my moment and it’s right. I don’t feel dread or scared; I feel safe. “Will?” I whisper. “Will you kiss me? But if you kiss me on the forehead again I’m going to slap you.”
Will throws his head back and laughs and I can’t help continuing, “My forehead has seen way too much action, but these…” I take my fingertip and outline my lips, “these are in need of some long overdue attention.”
Will’s eyes smolder as he watches my finger. He gently pulls my finger away and threads his hand through mine. I sigh, reveling in the contact I’ve been missing the last several days. He closes this distance between us, wrapping his other hand around my waist, pulling me tight. “Is this okay?”
“Yes,” I barely whisper.
His piercing green eyes never close as he leans over and softly starts to kiss me. I wrap my free arm around his neck, gently caressing the back of his head. He slowly applies more pressure, and I’m in heaven. I swear, if he wasn’t holding me, my knees would buckle. I open my mouth and decide to take control, for once. I need this for me. I gently lick his lips and I hear him quietly moan. I slip my tongue inside and gently caress his entire mouth. My body’s on fire, with overwhelmingly intense feelings. Physical feelings I haven’t felt in so long. Our kisses grow frantic with need and that’s when I know. I know that with Will, I’m always safe.
I hear a throat clear and gently pull back still gazing at Will.
“You two need to get a room!”
I can’t help it. Maverick sometimes makes me want to beat the shit out of him, but he’s so funny that I can’t help but burst out laughing. Charlie’s with him and slaps him on the arm.
God love her.
“You’re such a dick!” Will yells, but he has a smile on his face the entire time. We stand close together with our hands still entwined, smiling and happy.
That night the four of us go swimming at our spot on the lake. I gaze at my boyfriend, staring at all of his hotness, and trust me I notice him staring as well, and we kiss, a lot. I don’t freak out and I certainly don’t slap him. This time I feel like a normal girl out with her normal, but very hot, boyfriend and finally…finally I’m on the road to recovery.
Epilogue
Who would have thought in one month’s time three girls would come forward and identify Jason Hoover as their rapist? I surely didn’t. Detective Harrison says it’s a slam dunk and Jason should be put away for quite some time. It is music to my ears. I hope the justice system doesn’t fail us; that he’ll never be allowed to hurt anyone ever again. Time will tell. One horrible side effect is the media picked up on the story after the girls came forward. It was the story for a while and the television stations ate it up. Nothing happens here all that often, and this was big news for our small Podunk town. I never had any evidence to provide the police, unfortunately, due to my year-long wait telling anyone about my rape, but someone else did. Someone who was assaulted that night; someone Will was able to save before the unspeakable deed was done. Ashley’s been unable to hide from the media and word got out she was in the truck that night. We aren’t sure how, but we never saw her in school, not even on graduation.
Graduation came and went; moving us on to better and bigger things. The four of us spent graduation night together, and mom let us throw a small shindig at our house.
Charlie and I still sing and perform together, and we have a standing gig at the coffee shop. We named our dynamic duo Blessed Hope; a name that holds several special meanings for us. Gaining in popularity, more people are coming out to hear us, and we’ve been invited to play at other venues in our small town. We’re having a blast and we’ve decided to spend our summer traveling and working different gigs before starting college in the fall. Will and Maverick are tagging along as our “body guards”—their words, not ours, but in a sense that’s what they are. I’m looking forward to going out on the road with my favorite people, doing something I love, and putting the past behind me.
I received a call from someone so unexpected a couple days after the news of Jason Hoover broke asking me to meet her at the local coffee shop. I ordered my drink and took a seat, waiting patiently until five minutes crept to ten. When fifteen
minutes hit, I got up and slung bag over my shoulder to head out. I have better things to do than sit around and wait. As I turn to walk away from the table in a huff, I hear, “Please, wait.” I slowly turn back to see Ashley hiding behind a pair of sunglasses. Even with sunglasses, it’s unmistakable who she is. Her striking, almost white blonde hair is a dead giveaway. She slowly lifts the glasses to rest on her head and takes a seat. I sit down again and wait patiently to hear what she so desperately needs to say. Her gaze drifts down to the table briefly, then she glances back up to me. She’s not the same snarky Ashley. She looks sad, like she hasn’t been sleeping very well.
“I wanted to know…” she trails off. “When you warned me about Jason, did he do something…” She’s unable to speak the word. The word that had taken me so long to admit and say myself. The word I’m no longer ashamed to say. I decide to just tell her. Before, I wouldn’t have told her, but considering we now have a sort of emotional connection, she needs to know.
“Ashley, he raped me over a year ago.” Looking at her directly, I watch her eyes get big. She doesn’t expect this for some reason. I continue, “I didn’t tell anyone for a long time and I finally broke; it’s not something you can keep hidden forever. I’m doing a lot better, though, and getting help.”
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this when you warned me?” She snaps.
The ‘old’ Ashley begins to peek through and my retort is somewhat biting. “Would you have told someone who is a constant bitch toward you, your most private secret? Would you? Ashley, I tried to warn you, but you can’t honestly think I would’ve told you any details. For God’s sake, you thought I was trying to ‘steal’ him away from you, which couldn’t have been further from the truth.” I stand up to leave, shocked over her outburst. I don’t have to take this shit, and I didn’t have to come. I won’t let her blame me for someone else’s actions.
In true Ashley fashion, she huffs out a breath and looks away. “No, I wouldn’t have told me, either.” She says resigned.
I sit down for just a moment and softly say, “I’m sorry for what happened to you, Ashley. Nobody deserves that; ever. But you can get past this, maybe not forget, but it will get better.”
She looks up, a couple small tears visible and quickly wipes them away. “I know you tried to tell me, and I didn’t listen.” She looks away before adding, “Thanks for trying.”
“I would have tried twenty more times to keep what he did to you from happening.” She doesn’t turn to look or acknowledge me, which says I’ve been dismissed.
Before leaving I say, “I hope one day you can learn to truly be happy, Ashley.” With my parting words, I turn and continue out.
I haven’t seen or heard from Ashley since that day, but I meant every word. In a way, it was therapeutic for me. I got to say my piece and close that small chapter; one that otherwise might have always lingered.
I continue my counseling with Dr. Heart, as well as my group sessions. Will has come with me several times to appointments with Dr. Heart. I want to have a healthy relationship, and he’s learned more about me than he probably ever wanted. But, he’s also been able to, little by little, let go of his guilt from seeing me in that truck and thinking the worst. I’ve become great friends with several of the girls in group. We found things in common above and beyond the fact we all were raped. I introduced them to Charlie, Maverick and Will and we hung out several times.
For so long, I was ashamed of myself, feeling like a victim. I will never consider myself a victim, ever again. Drinking a glass of alcohol didn’t put me in the position to be raped. That was all on Jason Hoover…not me.
I’ve realized the strength in myself and in my family, which naturally includes Will and Maverick. I know myself better, and I know what I’m capable of, and what I can handle. I’m finally been able to stand up in group and proclaim: My name is Tori, and I’m a survivor.
I will never forget what happened to me, but the pain dulls over time. My dreams get less and less, getting pushed deeper in my memory, but this time, it’s okay because I tackled it head on, and now I can let go.
I don’t know what I would have done without Will and his constant patience with me. When I needed extra strength, he was there to give me some of his. When I felt like crying, his shoulder was there to lean on. When I needed a hug, his arms where there to wrap around and comfort me. I’m not alone, but it took me going through this entire experience to see that I’m a very blessed girl.
I...
I was strong.
I was brave.
I was in love.
I was loved.
I thought one drink to loosen up.
I thought that was all it was.
I was wrong.
I am not brave.
I am not strong.
I am not in love.
I am not loved.
I have lost my innocence.
I can not go on with my shame!
I will never find anyone that could ever love me
past and all.
I will be strong again.
I will be brave again.
I will be in love again.
I will be loved again.
I will make it through.
I will go on with my shame.
I will over come everything.
I will find someone who can love me past and all.
I am strong again.
I am brave again.
I am in love again.
I am loved again.
I have make it through.
I have over come everything.
I have found someone that loves me past and all.
I have survived!!!
Written by Demona, a rape survivor
A Note from the Author
Seventeen years ago I went to a party with a girlfriend. We both drank a little too much but I wasn’t drunk. I followed a good looking guy into his truck thinking that things wouldn’t be taken as far as it was. Unfortunately, I was wrong and NO wasn’t something that he understood. I was raped that night and the shame I felt was indescribable. I went home and scrubbed myself clean. I didn’t go to the hospital and I didn’t immediately go to the police. I kept it from people and for a long time thought that it was my fault. If only I hadn’t been drinking then maybe I could’ve fought him off. Obviously this is preposterous, the guy was a huge football player and no matter how much or little I had drank, I would have never been able to fight myself free.
I could have hit rock bottom but I didn’t, I pulled myself back up and chose to get help. Don’t get me wrong I made some very foolish mistakes prior to getting help that I thought would make it all go away. It didn’t, in fact it made it worse and they are mistakes that I have to live with and think about for the rest of my life. This is my story with a few changes. There are things I’ve left out for my own privacy, but I’ve tried to be as forthcoming as possible in my feelings and the numbness that I felt for a very long time. I’ve had counseling and it has helped in so many ways but I didn’t have the guy or the support that Tori has.
We all react differently and there is no right or wrong way. I decided to write my story into Tori’s as a way to help me heal. It’s still there lingering in my head. Most days I don’t think about it but there are those days that my mind lingers back in time. That night will never be forgotten and you don’t become miraculously healed but it does get better over time.
There aren’t that many books that showcase the healing process of being raped and it was important that I show that. You may ask why I decided to ‘come out’ and tell everyone that this was my personal story. The reason is simple. I felt that by not being honest, I was showing shame over what had happened to me. You may think this is dumb but this is how I feel. I no longer feel shame and I refuse to feel shame over being raped. For a long time I felt like a victim and it took getting help to realize that I am no one’s victim, least of all his. I am a survivor! I survived one of the worst things that has ever happene
d to me and that, makes me strong as hell!
I never received my closure which is why I chose to give Tori hers. If my story helps someone that has been raped then I’ve accomplished my goal. Please know that you are not alone but also remember that everyone deals, reacts and heals differently, again there is no right or wrong way.
Below is a list of references for you, should you or someone you know ever need them, (God forbid). The resources available to rape survivors are endless and please know you are never ever alone.
Rape Resource Websites:
http://www.rapeis.org/
http://www.rainn.org/
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/resources1.php
http://www.bandbacktogether.com/rape-resources/
http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/teenresources_rape.htm
Playlist
Saving Amy - Brantley Gilbert
More than Miles - Brantley Gilbert
Blown Away - Carrie Underwood
Just Give Me a Reason - P!nk & Nate Ruess
Can’t Shake You - Gloriana
Heartstrings Page 17
