by HJ Bellus
“Daddy!” she squeals.
I take a deep breath and twist the doorknob. This time I force myself not to cover my eyes, knowing it only makes the situation that much more awkward for everyone involved. She has the leotard thingy all twisted up around her torso while she continues to dance in place. Her eyes widen, and rosy cheeks let me know she’s seconds away from having an accident.
I leap into action, no longer worrying about being uncomfortable. I get everything untwisted and slid down her body. Whit doesn’t waste a second before leaping up onto the toilet.
“Okay, Daddy, turn around and cover your eyes,” she chirps out.
I hold my chuckle in. This girl. I swear. I follow her orders, letting her do her business. I’m surprised when she tells me I can turn back around that she’s managed to get her outfit back into place. She perches up on her tiptoes and turns on the faucet, then runs her hand under the motion-censored soap dispenser.
She beams at me in the mirror as she rubs her tiny hands together while singing a tune I don’t recognize. She doesn’t ask for help reaching a paper towel. Nope, she jumps up and down waving her arm until the motion sensor detects movement and spills out towels.
“Ready to go.” She tosses the paper towel in the trash can, twirls, and plops her hands on her hips.
I follow her out to her bag. I pick it up, ignoring all the stares as I follow Whit to my truck.
“Daddy.”
“Yeah, Squirt?” I hoist her up in her booster seat.
She giggles. “I like that nickname. Can it be mine now?”
I shrug. “Sure, Squirt.”
She giggles louder. “But I was going to ask can we go get ice cream?”
She latches her tiny hands in front of her chest in a praying motion and flattens out her lips.
“I don’t think your mom would approve.”
“Please, Daddy.” She shakes her hands in front of her while pleading with her beautiful eyes.
I lean down and whisper in her ear. “Sure, it will be our secret, Squirt.”
She begins kicking her feet in front of her. “Yes! I’m getting three scoops, sprinkles, and the white fluffy stuff.”
I bite on my bottom lip and grab the back of my neck. I have a pretty damn good hunch this is going to get my ass in trouble.
Chapter 13
Jules
“We need to talk.” Jessie rounds the corner of the barn.
I freeze with the tip of the lit cigarette at my lips. His footsteps stutter for a brief second, but then he continues to walk right up to me.
“Didn’t know you took up smoking,” he mumbles, placing his hands on his hips.
I shrug. It’s a celebratory smoke. Became my tradition after the first thoroughly edited book I sent off to my publisher. I’d craved the temporary high from the nicotine. Not that I was ever an addicted smoker, but back in my high school days, we’d have a few while drinking. I forced myself only to indulge when I’d sent off a book because it could quickly become a habit.
I inhale deeply on the cigarette, letting it settle in before turning my head and exhaling. Jessie remains in front of me shocked as shit. It is quite comical and ruins my goal of relaxing on a high for a few brief seconds. His presence has been dangerous since the morning we all woke up together in bed. I haven’t slept that well in years, and that sensation itself could become addictive. I pulled back, distanced myself, but never once pulled Whit away from him. I’ll never do that to him and, more importantly, her.
“I don’t smoke,” I offer.
He quirks an eyebrow up in question then leans back on the barn, crossing his arms over his broad chest and rolling his face to stare at me.
“It’s complicated. Don’t judge.” I bring the end of the cigarette to my lips and inhale deeply once again.
“Not judging. Just shocked.”
I flutter my eyes shut, exhaling, feeling my limbs relax, then I reach down and grab my glass of wine and take a long drink, the other piece of my simple celebratory tradition that I indulge in.
“So, what do we need to talk about?” I lean my shoulder on the barn, dropping my head to the hardwood then staring into his rich, whiskey-colored eyes.
Jessie doesn’t break eye contact as he reaches down for my wine glass and brings it to his lips. His jaw tightens, and the expanse of his neck moves with the motion. His lips on my wine glass make my insides clench. The memories of his mouth on mine are powerful and threatening to overtake my common sense. The action is erotic and stimulating, making my knees weaken.
His manly scent attacking me doesn’t help matters. Neither do his bulging biceps peeking out of his black V-neck t-shirt. Another few glasses of wine and I’d be tearing off his clothes, damn the consequences, just to have his naked body pressed into mine one more time. The protection of safety and love he used to pour my direction would satisfy all my cravings for him. It would be a mistake, and thank God I haven’t had any more wine than I have already consumed.
It’s a fact the heart loves who the heart loves. There’s no denying it. I’ve never quit loving this man and never will. I’m not ready to admit it to anyone. I internally wince, remembering the time I told him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to say it out loud again. I may have to settle for loving him from a distance. And even that would be worth it, or that’s what I keep telling myself.
Jessie hands me the glass before speaking. “Whit. She had a meltdown today at the football field.”
This snaps me out of my drunken-induced Jessie haze. “And you’re just telling me?”
I know I snap at him and can’t help it. Whit and Jessie have been home for three hours; we all sat down to a home-cooked meal of fried chicken and chatted. Whit didn’t eat much, which I thought was odd because there was a bowl of olives on the table. I should’ve known something was wrong. I internally beat myself up for being a shit mom.
“Calm down.” He reaches out, grabbing my hand. I don’t pull away, letting the warmth of his contact comfort me. He looks out to the pasture, raking his other hand through his hair. “She melted down over football and the fact you hate it. She equated it to me not having time for her.”
My chest heaves with a heavy burden and pain for my little girl. I never kept it a secret from anyone that I hated the sport. And it’s obvious why. That damn sport took everything away from me. It detoured my future onto a different path I never saw coming. Even though it wasn’t planned, I wouldn’t change it for the world because of my girl.
“I never told her,” I whispered.
I’m not sure if he heard me or not. My hand trembles as I grab the wine glass and bring it to my lips. The once-sweet wine has now turned bitter, gliding down the back of my throat.
After swallowing, I continue to talk. It’s raw and honest. The time for fluffy fillers expired a long time ago. Jessie has rolled his head to stare my way once again.
“I hate football. I saw it as the one factor that took you away from me. I’ve never been able to stomach the sport.” I keep my gaze down on my toes peeking out of my sandals. “But I never told Whit a thing except that you were a busy person. I never once told her the whole story. I’m human, though, and had to release emotions somehow.”
“I get it, Jules.” He squeezes my hand. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I just wanted to let you know about it. I reassured her once again.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“I guess while we’re talking about today, I should also tell you that she overheard me cussing out a player and we had ice cream before dinner.”
I snap my head up to stare at him, shake my hand away from his, and stab my finger in his chest. “That’s why she didn’t eat any dinner.”
Jessie’s cheeks actually heat up to a shade of red. “Yeah, that’s my bad.”
“This is weird,” I blurt out.
That’s when he jerks me out in front of him. Before I know it, he’s guiding me down to the pond. It’s not any luxurious pond,
but a damn irrigation pond. I follow him only because his skin glides against mine and that slight high I was craving lingers behind. I know damn well Whit is cuddled up next to Nana. And both of them are passed out. Whit barely made it through dinner, and Nana has been exhausted since the service.
“I don’t think it is,” he replies, gently squeezing my hand.
“Uh?” I ask, craning my neck to look at him. I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.
He stops on the edge of the pond. The place we used to watch the sunset every single night back in high school. Jessie grabs my other hand, tugging me to his chest. He doesn’t stop there, pulling me to his chest and wrapping his arms low around my waist.
“You said it’s weird. It’s not. I feel like I’m finally home even though I’ve been here a few years.” He pauses, kissing the top of my head. “This is so damn surreal, Jules.”
“It’s something,” I mumble into his chest.
“Thank you for allowing me this. I know we have a lot of shit to work on and you very well could’ve kept me blocked out, but you didn’t.” He exhales loudly. “I keep waiting to wake up from this dream.”
“It’s not a dream.” I nestle my cheek into his chest, inhaling his scent. My heart thunders against my sternum. A herd of bulls stampedes through every emotion. “Tell me about it.”
He takes a step back, peering down at me with confusion dancing in his rich chocolate eyes.
I mirror his movements, tucking my arms at my sides and ducking my chin. I’m not sure why I’m asking. It must be a rare form of self-torture similar to the nights I’d Google search his name. I only did it a few times because the fit of tears was never worth it.
“Tell me about college. I want to know everything.” I step toward the pond.
The only way I know he’s following me is from the sound of the tall, crisp pasture grass trailing behind me. Jessie remains silent for long beats. I find the old worn log we used to cuddle on. The flattened surface remains upwards to the heavens, making it perfect for sitting. I sit down and wait for Jessie. He moves slowly and precisely as he sits next to me.
His elbows land heavily on the tops of his thighs, and he buries his face in his palms and lets out another gust of air. I reach over without thinking and squeeze his leg.
“We’re here now, Jessie, and yes, it’s weird as hell to me. You know what I’ve been up to since high school. I want to know everything you’ve done.”
“This hurts like hell.” His voice comes out in a growled whisper.
I don’t say a word, giving him the silence he needs. I’m not sure if he’ll open up or keep the regret and hurt inside. Hell, I know it’s the most natural thing to do. Way fucking easier than forgiving and moving on. I’m chalking it up to the fact life is short, and you have to cherish all of your days because you never know what could happen.
“Left a few days after graduation. I knew it was a mistake the moment I boarded the plane. It all felt so wrong without you, Jules. Then the proverbial carrot was dangled in front of my face, and I went for it. Campus life was wild. College ball and practice was nothing like high school. Pushed my body hard every single day. Started my freshman year and everything was perfect.”
His chest heaves as each sentence flows from him. My heart hurts for him. I know it shouldn’t if our past means anything to me and the endless nights I stayed awake crying, rocking a screaming newborn. The vision of Whit and Jessie happy together erases all of it. I’m left with only compassion for the man. Jessie continues telling me everything, not leaving out the college party scene or even his last game where he was taken out.
“Then I came home, and everything else fell into place. The head coach job opened up at the high school, and I didn’t even have to interview for it.” He swivels to face me. “Jules, not one fucking day has gone by where I didn’t regret my decision and missed you like mad. You know the rest about me pestering your papa for your number and the whole Shayna deal.”
“How serious was it with her?” I ask, not knowing why. I already know the answer, but it seems my dumb heart needs reassurance.
“Not proud of it, but I finally caved into the pressure from the town and Shayna’s ruthless tactics. I never loved her.”
I snort and shake my head. “You had to have some feelings for her.”
“I tried, Jules, I sure in the hell did try, but there hasn’t been anyone else but you. It’s always been you.”
I finally look up to him, nibbling on my lower lip for a few beats before speaking. “I’m not sure I can do this, Jessie, but the thing is I’ve never stopped loving you, and I hate you for that some days. My life is up in the air right now. All I can give you is one day at a time.”
He slings his arm over my shoulder and tugs me to him. I melt into his side. “I’ll take it.”
We remain silent, watching the sun sink lower, to right before it kisses the horizon. Hues of pinks and oranges flash across the sky.
“Remember you used to say…”
I finish his sentence with him, “…the warmest color.”
I pry my stare from the brilliance of God’s miracle and right into Jessie’s deep, rich and loving eyes. The glow from the setting sun illuminates his face. This time I’m the one to initiate the kiss. Our lips glide against each other, remembering the feel before I deepen the kiss. I glide my tongue along the seam of his lips until he parts for me. I groan into him as his taste assaults me. I’m lost in everything Jessie.
Chapter 14
Jessie
It’s almost picture perfect. Damn close. I walked Jules up to the front door last night. Wanted nothing more than to kiss the hell out of her right then and there. Took everything inside of me not to. She squeezed my hand before dropping it then perched up on her tiptoes, pecking me on the cheek. The hunger and desire in her eyes nearly cracked me. The moments of silence we shared at the pond were a promise of old wounds healing. It gave me all the strength to push on.
I slam the steering wheel, overwhelmed and excited as hell. Whit decided to spend time with my mom this morning instead of going to football practice with me. I was totally fine with it since there’s no way in hell I’ll ever be able to control my colorful language. The raw emotions and my competitive side get me every single time when it comes to football.
Jules had no problems with Whit hanging out down the road at my childhood home. Jane had errands to run, and Jules said she had to work. I opened my mouth to ask about it, but Jules’ expression conveyed it wasn’t open for discussion. When I hinted around with questions, Whit only shrugged and told me her momma works a lot on her computer and sometimes even stays up all night long on it.
Frustration builds low in my abdomen, threatening to erupt over the fact there’s so much I don’t know about her. Baby steps, I keep reminding myself. That’s what it’s going to take to make this all possible.
A smile covers my face as I cut the engine in the driveway. Whit is covered from head to toe in dirt with patches of mud covering her kneecaps peeking out underneath a tutu. She clutches an overflowing basket of tomatoes to her chest. The moment she spots my old truck, the tomatoes shower up in air as she drops the basket and bolts to me. I hustle out of the truck. She’s at my door leaping up in the air before I have a chance to take a step toward her.
“Daddy!” She wraps her arms around my neck as I hoist her up to my sweaty chest. We’re quite the stinky, dirty duo, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. This girl is all mine in so many damn ways. “Did you see all those tomatoes, Daddy?”
I chuckle, the vibration thick in my chest. “I sure did.”
She pulls back, staring me in the eyes. “We are gonna make salads, salsa, and jam with them.”
I peer over her shoulder to see my mom with happy tears brimming in her eyes and a contagious smile whispering on her lips.
“Sounds like you had fun with…”
Whit wiggles out my arms before I have the chance to finish my sentence. She’s on the ground and
sprinting back towards the empty basket framed by plump, red tomatoes.
“Grandma!” Whit slides on the grass, swooping her arms out to scoop back up the produce. “I got them.”
Well, shit, that one word gutted me hard. I’ve been selfish since the day Whit told me she didn’t talk to strangers. I felt robbed and pissed off more than ever at myself for my selfish and ridiculous decision. I stole joy, happiness, and love from everyone in my life.
The front door to my childhood home creaks open. Jules steps out with a frosted pitcher of what looks to be lemonade. She tucks a stray curl behind her ear and then ruffles the messy bun on top of her head before she looks up. The exhausted sun has just begun its descent to slumber, cascading an illuminating glow on her features. The stress, exhaustion, and grieving have all disappeared in the winds of the cooling summer evening.
A smile lights up her face as she watches Whit finishing the task of scooping up the tomatoes with my mom at her side. Whit hasn’t stopped rattling on about canning, slicing, and selling tomatoes for big money to notice her mom on the porch. I clear my throat, catching Jules’ attention. A genuine smile stays placed on her face. At this moment, I have no doubt my future indeed began.
“Jessie.” She jerks her chin then tucks her hands in the pockets of her too goddamn short shorts while sauntering down the front steps.
My cock stirs in my gym shorts. Not a good combination. I see this woman in a whole different light. She’s not the once-gangly eleven year old or the fit and toned high school senior. No, she’s so much more. Curves and flesh that created my daughter. Her body plump to perfection in all the right spots. Her luscious tits bounce under her white tank top. And now I have a full-fledged hard on. I pull my attention away from her and study the ground, making my way to her. I focus on the funky smell and nasty sights from my years in locker rooms to wish the boner away.
“Hey.” Her sweet voice drifts across the crisp air.
