by Evie Rose
I urge Ricky out of bed and go through the robotic motions of helping him dress and getting his breakfast ready. He doesn’t eat much. Usually he has a fitful sleep too, all signs he’s unhappy. I feel like a terrible mother. I try to do the best I can for him, to make him feel loved and cared for. Although I know Joseph’s the reason he’s unsettled, I have no choice but to deal with it, the best I know how. Joseph pushes him around and calls him a lot of nasty names, things no five year old should ever hear. He’s careful never to leave any marks though, so the teacher doesn’t report any abuse. We finish up breakfast and I load him into the car.
We arrive at school a few minutes after the bell, late as usual. I take a little time to talk to the teacher about Ricky falling behind. “I’m not sure what to do with him. When I try to force him to do his homework, he doesn’t take any information in, but if I don’t push he won’t do it at all. I’m concerned he’ll never catch up.”
The teacher kneels down to my son’s level and explains the importance of homework to him. “Are you afraid of making mistakes, sweetie? It’s okay if you don’t get it right the first time.”
Ricky nods his head and I assume they’ve talked about this before. A sudden pang of hatred towards my husband goes through me. If I didn’t have all his bullshit to deal with I would’ve been paying better attention, I would’ve picked up on this. Regardless of Joseph, I should have picked up on it. I’m his mum. These are the things I should know. I feel like a horrible mother for the second time today and it’s only 8:45 a.m. Better, I vow to be better for Ricky.
“Remember what we talked about?” the teacher goes on, “About the baby? You have to take baby steps. You have to learn to walk before you can run. If you practise, you’ll eventually be able to read.”
At the word ‘baby’, Ricky tucks his head into my side and hides. The teacher assumes this is because he’s upset he can’t read, but I know better. My mind flashes back to yesterday afternoon and the way Joseph was jeering at him....
“You’re such a fucking little baby. Get off of me. Can’t you just leave me the fuck alone? Fuck off!”
Before he snaps and starts to push him around, I jump off the couch and pull Ricky into my arms. “Joseph, all he wants is a little attention. You’ve been at work all week. Can’t you give him a cuddle for five minutes?” I rub soothing circles on my son’s back, trying to calm him down.
“I would if he wasn’t such a fucking baby.” He throws his hands up in the air as if it’s obvious and I should know better.
“I’m not a baby,” Ricky cries and throws himself to the floor.
“Yes you are. Look, you’re acting just like one. Baby, baby, baby.”
I pick Ricky up in my arms and hold him tight. “That’s enough Joseph. You’re supposed to be the adult here. Leave him alone.” My voice shakes, not only with anger, but with how hopeless I feel.
My blood boils and I want to scream at him, to leave him, but that would only make things worse. Without question, if I chastised him how I truly wanted to, his temper would really start to flare. If we were to flee, he would come after us, and I’m terrified of the consequences. I’m scared that by trying to make things better for Ricky, it would anger Joseph further and cause him to inflict even more damage.
As I start to walk away, he throws one more jab before letting me get to work on settling Ricky down, “Go cry to Mummy, you stupid little baby.”
It was no surprise it took me so long to get him to sleep last night. I come back to the present and kneel down next to my son. “It’s okay Ricky. If we practise every day, it won’t be long until you’re able to read. Mummy will help you.”
The teacher walks away to talk to another parent and Ricky clings to my leg; not wanting me to leave. Eventually the teacher comes back and pries him away.
“Mummy loves you. I’ll be back this afternoon.” I leave a little piece of my heart there with him. If I could, I’d probably be shedding a tear as I walk away, but after everything I’ve experienced over the past six years, they just never seem to come. It’s like they’ve all dried up.
*****
My feet pound along the pavement as I push myself as hard as I can go. With my lungs burning on my way up the hill, I try to regulate my breathing. I revel in the pain in my calves. It makes me unable to concentrate on anything else. All of life’s other problems are forced to the back of my mind. Then, when I go back down the other side of the slope, it feels like I’m flying.
For once, I’m able to appreciate everything around me. I can smell the sunshine in the air, and feel its warmth on my back. It sparkles across the lake as I pass, making it easy to enjoy this beautiful spring day. Bursts of colour in a gorgeous purple, tinged with pink, bloom on the Jacaranda trees lining the streets. It quickly becomes my new favourite colour.
Another jogger is heading my way, and as I get closer, I realize it’s a guy, a drop dead gorgeous guy. I avert my eyes as best as I can, so it doesn’t appear as though I’m checking him out. As soon as he passes though, I can’t help but turn my head and appreciate the view. I only glance for a split second, but in that time, he turns his head and looks at me too. Embarrassed at being caught, I whip back around and realize too late that a huge electrical pole is in my path. I run right into it before I can stop myself and fall flat on my ass.
If that wasn’t embarrassing enough on its own, only moments later a shadow falls over the top of me and a smooth deep voice asks, “Are you okay?”
I’m completely humiliated. Heat fills my face and my pulse races. I dust myself off, trying not to let the pain of almost knocking myself out show. My head feels like I’ve been hit by a shovel. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze as I answer, “I’m fine.”
Please go away so I can die of shame in peace.
He crouches down to my level, studying me, no doubt to see if I’m telling the truth. He’s so close, I feel the warmth radiating from his body and I flush at his nearness. At least if my face is bright red, I can blame it on the running.
“Don’t be embarrassed, I was checking you out too.” Not even a hint of amusement laces his words. It’s all concern. I’m a little shocked at how straight forward he is.
Swallowing down the lump of nerves lodged in my throat, I stare up at him. The small glimpse that I had before is nothing compared to what he looks like up close. A five o’clock shadow frames a masculine square jawline and waves of dark hair sit on top of his head. It’s easy to get lost in his grey eyes, the little specks of blue in them hypnotise me and I can’t look away.
As I try to get up, I’m still a little unsteady on my feet. My balance tilts and I fall back down, earning more concern of the person who is making me all off kilter in the first place.
“You seem a bit dazed. Can I walk you home; make sure you get there alright?” He wraps his hand around mine with just the right amount of pressure, as he helps me up. Holding onto him makes me feel centred, in more ways than one, and it throws me. I don’t even know him. I put it down to the fact; I’m not used to many people caring about my wellbeing.
“I’ll be okay, but thanks for the offer.” Feeling slightly pathetic that I’m still clinging onto him, I pull my hand away and tuck a piece of hair that’s come loose behind my ear. “I better keep going.”
“Wait,” he grasps my arm lightly and I look down at where he makes contact, as though I can see the tingles it causes across my skin. “Will I see you jogging here again tomorrow?”
I nod, completely tongue tied at the way a simple touch is making me feel. I should tell him that I’m married, but the words never come.
“Maybe we can slow down next time we pass each other, give ourselves more time to check one another out?” He winks at me and I gape at him, speechless.
He places his index finger under my chin and picks my jaw up off the ground, chuckling. It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts and become coherent. “Maybe,” I answer, but it’s more wishful thinking. I should really avoid making frie
nds with this handsome stranger, my husband definitely wouldn’t approve.
I smile self-consciously before turning around and continuing on my way. As I start to run in the opposite direction, I daydream about his toned muscles and the way they moved as he ran. I tell myself, it’s okay to look as long as I don’t touch. I wonder what it would be like to get to spend time with a guy like that; instead of the asshole I’m stuck with. I guess I’ll never know.
Chapter Two
“You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do.” - Norman Juster
Luke
Wait a minute. Hold up. Am I really letting her brush me off that easily? Why am I running in the opposite direction of a hot chick? With renewed determination, I turn back around and chase after her. It doesn't take me long to catch up and I jog alongside her.
“So, do you run around here often?” I ask.
A shy smile spreads over her lips before she answers. “I used to run through the tracks in the bushland, over the other side of the suburb. I wanted a variation in scenery and changed it up recently.”
Lucky me. “And do you like the change in scenery?” I smirk, hoping she understands the double meaning behind my words.
She slows her pace to a walk, and I’m more than happy to abandon jogging for a chance to talk to her for longer.
“If we’re going to have a conversation, I need to walk. I’m losing my breath.” She looks down at the ground, then up at the passing cars, anywhere but me.
“Are you avoiding the question, doll?” I try to sound light, but I’m really curious as to what her answer may be.
She peruses slowly up my body and when her brown eyes meet mine, she blushes furiously. “The scenery is a lot better than what I’m used to.” I have a feeling there is more behind those words than what she is actually saying, but don’t push my luck.
“I don't have long, I need to start running again in a minute.”
I’m guessing that means inviting her for coffee this morning is out. I fight a frown, “You off to work after your run, then?”
She raises an eyebrow at me.
Right, I guess I’m being too nosey.
“No, I’m a stay at home mum.”
More like a milf. Probably married though, damn.
I catch her eyes roaming over my body, before she bashfully looks away again and inquires, “What about you? Are you off to work after this? What is it you do?”
“I'm a firefighter. I just came off the night shift.”
She rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, “Of course you are.”
I have no idea what she means by that, but it doesn’t do anything for my confidence. The usual response is women gushing over what a hero I am.
“What do you mean by that?” I ask, causing her to avert her eyes and chew nervously on her bottom lip.
“Well...” She hesitates.
“Come on don’t get all shy on me now, you already stacked it in front of me, it can’t get much worse, right?”
My encouraging smile is lost on her as she glances the other way and mumbles, “Of course someone who looks like you would also be a nice guy. Well I’m assuming you are, since you run into burning buildings and all to save people.”
“Perhaps I’m just plain crazy.” Maybe this will send her running from me, since I can’t seem to turn the other way. I shouldn’t be chasing someone who’s already taken, or anyone for that matter. Commitment isn’t for me.
“Probably, anyone who wears Broncos colours in this part of town is asking for a beat down. This is Titan’s territory.”
A Titan’s fan, urgh. Another reason I should run for the hills. My feet won’t obey the order from my brain though. My body’s content to stay right where it is. Next to her.
I scoff, “I’d like to see them try.”
She looks me over and I resist the urge to flex. “Yeah, I think you’re safe,” she replies, implying that she likes the way I look. I want to hear her say it. I’m not even sure it’s because of my ego, or if I just enjoy the way she squirms when she becomes uncomfortable.
“What exactly does ‘a guy who looks like me’ mean anyway?” I prompt.
“You know, muscly, big.” She waves her hand at me, to emphasis her point.
“Oh, I’m definitely big.”
Her mouth drops open and she gapes at me. Her gaze lowers downwards, and then she quickly places her hands in front of her eyes; to shield her view as she realises what she’s doing. I love that she gets shocked so easily.
“I’m just messing with you,” I tease.
“So you’re saying you’re not big?”
Oh touché.
When I open my mouth to correct her she cuts me off, “I was joking. You don’t really have to tell me that. This is the most bizarre run I’ve ever gone for.”
“It’s more fun than exercising on your own though, isn’t it? If you usually run this way, do you want to run together tomorrow? We could be running buddies.” I wonder if she can hear how eager I sound. I keep my focus straight ahead, trying to appear unfazed by her answer, when really, just one small conversation with her has me wanting more.
A mischievous smile spreads over her face, “I don’t know. You might not be able to keep up with me.” It’s obvious by her temporary confidence, running is important to her, I can definitely identify with that.
“Oh, I think it might be the other way around,” I chuckle.
“Yeah right. Eat my dust.” She laughs as she takes off and she’s fast. I slow down and appreciate the way her body moves as she runs. The view has me so distracted, I don’t realise that I never got her name or an answer about jogging together again.
*****
Do you know how uncomfortable it is to run two kilometres with a hard on? Extremely fucking difficult. I managed to play it cool in front of her, but the way that woman’s innocent eyes looked up at me; all big, brown and deceivingly sexy, had me busting at the seams. The pretty pink blush that spread over her delicate skin, made it challenging for me not to rip her clothes off right then and there in the middle of the street. I was tempted to knock myself out on the same pole she ran into just to take away the ache in my balls.
Man, I really need to get laid. It’s been far too long. Unfortunately, it will have to wait another six days until I’m off night shift. As soon as I can, I’m going out on the town.
After taking care of myself in the shower, I head to bed; so exhausted I can hardly stand straight. I can only hope I get some solid sleep. I’m running on empty.
Jake, my housemate, has put the sleeping pills the doctor prescribed in the middle of my pillow. I glare in the direction of his room before shoving the damn things to the back of the drawer of my bedside table. Never again will I take anything that has the ability to alter my state of mind. This is something he should understand about me by now. We’ve lived together for the past eight years, and he knows almost all of my secrets. As far as I’m concerned, that bottle can stay full forever.
As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out like a light. The only problem is staying that way...
Thick black smoke closes in from all directions. He never stops fighting against the impending darkness though. He breathes in deeply, trying to fill his lungs full of air, but it’s the wrong thing to do. I can tell that heat burns down his oesophagus as he coughs and splutters uncontrollably.
Drop down low, cover your face! My mind screams to the guy in my dream.
I know I’m asleep and this isn’t real, but it feels like I’m awake at the same time, and I have no way to stop the events from unfolding.
Smash your window with the lamp and climb to the tree, you can still make it out of there! Again, he pays no attention to my pleading. Instead, he passes out on the floor from lack of oxygen, just minutes before the flames engulf him, and it’s too late.
I wake up, drenched in sweat, my throat dry and scratchy. I’m not surprised that I suffered yet another
day of fitful rest. Anyone would think these unspeakable night terrors would be enough to turn me away from being a firefighter. What they don’t realise is that if they come true; there isn’t anyone more deserving of such a horrendous death than me.
Sitting up, I take a moment to calm my breathing before getting out of bed to get ready for work. I rub my eyes and adjust to the afternoon light. You’d think by now, after years on the night shift, I’d be used to sleeping through the day, but it hasn’t happened yet.
When I walk in the kitchen, Jake is pouring a bowl of some type of sugary cereal. “How do you eat that crap? You need something with more substance in our line of work. That’s hardly going to keep you going all night.”
“I didn’t have the energy to make much else. Unlike you, I didn’t sleep today, I reenergized in a different way.” He looks up and winks then holds his hand out for a fist bump. I glower, ignoring his fist.
“You idiot, you’re prepared to run into a fire on no sleep? Accidents happen when you’re tired Jake.”
“Jealous much?” He jeers.
Hell yeah I am. It’s not like I’m well rested anyway. A day of sex would have been a much better way to spend my time off of work. My mind flits back to the chick with the dynamite body I saw this morning, reminding me of how much I need to get out this weekend.
“When Saturday night comes around, we’re hitting the clubs.” He knows what that means without me having to explain it. I only go to clubs for one reason, and it’s not the booze or the shitty techno music, if it was, I would go to a pub, much more my scene.
“Watch out ladies!” He wiggles his jet-black eyebrows, which match the curly hair on the top of his head. I have no idea how he pulls so many chicks. It’s definitely not his smooth personality. I laugh at him, and this time when he holds his fist out, I give it a bump.
After we finish our food, we don’t have long to chill before work. We travel into the station together, no point taking two cars when we’re going to the same place.
“Evening boys,” Dex welcomes us, as we walk into the main room. “Beans on toast, dig in,” he says as he stirs a pot one last time and moves over to the toaster.
