by Evie Rose
The alarms at the village automatically trigger us to get out there straight away. It’s the fifth time that it’s happened this month. The chief has the not so fun job of politely informing her family that she may be better suited to a higher level of care, and if it happens again, a fine will unfortunately have to be issued. Even though it wasn’t done on purpose, she still took us away from other potential deadly situations.
The crew gets a decent night’s sleep other than that. I on the other hand, clean both trucks we have here at the station. It’s one of the jobs none of the other guys are very fond of, but I take meticulous care in every aspect, no matter how big or small. Most of the crew are young. They’re here for the adrenalin rush and excitement of doing something dangerous. I spend several hours studiously making sure everything is in order, while they sleep. Keep them safe, so they can get back to their families.
By the time morning rolls around, I’m well and truly ready to leave. Although it’s great when the city is safe from fires, car crashes and the likes, it makes the time go by awfully slow, and I get bored out of my brains. I worry I’ll fall asleep and have night terrors.
Jake starts the car and I jump in, eager to see Roxi on our morning run.
*****
While I stand in what I’ve now come to think of as our meeting spot, I’m wide awake, despite not sleeping last night, and keen to show Roxi some real sporting gear. Nothing like a crappy Titan’s football, I turn the Frisbee over in my hands as she jogs up to me. “Hey, want to go to the park again today?”
“Sure. What you got there?”
I flip it over and enjoy the amusement that takes over her face.
“A Broncos Frisbee, cool. I’ll enjoy throwing them to the dirt.” She throws my ill spoken words that I used for her favourite team back at me. Her eyebrow is quirked as if to say ‘go on, I dare you to issue a comeback’, and her mouth is in a hard line as she tries not to laugh.
“What do you mean ‘throw them to the dirt’? I’ll have you know, I’ve never missed a catch yet. The only reason this baby is going near the ground, is when you fail to get it.”
Her eyes become more animated; popping out of her head a little, and when she plants her hands on her hips, I grin back at her.
“Oh, game on,” she challenges.
It amazes me Roxi can appear so shut off and vulnerable one minute, then so sassy and confident the next. It’s as though right now, while she beams back at me, little parts of the real person inside are trying to escape. My sense of pride has me stoked that I’m able to draw the genuine Roxi out. I want to peel away the layers she hides behind. Each one I discover fascinates me. Becomes a fleeting ray of light to the darkness I fight each day.
We hit the edge of the park and I throw the Frisbee long. Time slows down as it sails through the air and we come to a stop to watch it. A yellow disc splitting a perfect blue sky as it’s carried on the breeze.
Turns out we both drop the Frisbee a lot. I wasn’t just talking myself up before. I really am great at this, just not when I can continuously feel her eyes on me. It kind of ruins my concentration.
I purposely throw short and we meet halfway in between, collapsing on the ground, next to each other in an exhausted heap. All I’m aware of is the constant thud of my heart and the sound of our uneven breaths intermingling. Our hands rest mere inches apart. Close enough, yet miles from where I want them to be at the same time.
Clouds have strewn across the sky since we first got here and I admire their shapes as I catch my breath. “Oh look, that cloud kind of looks like a hand.”
I hear her throaty chuckle, as she looks and probably sees the detail I left out. “Yeah and it’s giving you the finger.”
Yep, she saw it.
“Probably God telling me to go to hell,” I’m only half joking, it’s most likely where I’ll end up.
“Do you ever think there’s more out there than just this?” she asks. I turn my head to study her, but she is deep in thought, oblivious to my gaze and staring up at the heavens. She’s taken her brown hair out of its tie, and it tumbles around her face and on to the lush green grass. Light freckles decorate her nose and across her cheeks, adding to her character.
“You mean aliens?” I joke; not wanting to delve too deeply into my thoughts of what comes next. The idea of getting to see my family again one day and not being welcomed by them with open arms makes me ill.
“Not exactly. There has to be something beyond just here and now, on earth, being tested in different ways every day. Surely there’s a bigger point to it all.” She turns, her deep brown eyes looking into me as though I hold all the answers.
“There has to be,” I agree. Even if I’m scared at facing my family again someday, I have to take comfort that it wasn’t the end for them. They still exist out there in some way, together and happy.
Just when I think I might find out a little more about her, she tilts away again and puts her shield back up. “I should get back,” she blurts out, although she makes no move to get up.
“Yeah I should head back too. I have one more shift left tonight, before I get a couple of days off and I need to get some sleep first.” I reluctantly rise to my feet and reach down for her hand to help her up.
She dusts herself off, but misses a couple of stray pieces of grass in her hair. I run my fingers through the strands that feel like silk to the touch and bring them free. “You missed some of it,” I explain softly.
“Thanks,” she breathes.
If she doesn’t stop looking at my mouth like that, I’m going to cross the ‘friends’ line. I need to get us out of here, “Come on, let’s go.”
She just nods, still looking between my hands and my lips, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Before I get the opportunity to ask, she turns and starts to jog back and I follow suit. I see a few pieces of grass still stuck to her bottom and I wonder if I would get away with brushing those off for her too.
We get back to where we first met up and slow down to a walk. Heavy metal blares from a car in the distance. What a try hard punk, I think to myself. Whoever it is will probably try and do skids as they turn the next corner. When the awful noise gets closer, Roxi stiffens in response.
“I have to get going.” She looks distracted, and barely gazes my way before taking off. I turn to say, “See you at the same time tomorrow,” but the words are stuck in my throat as I trail my eyes up her tanned legs and watch her ass bounce while she runs.
The music gets closer and a car pulls up alongside her. I start walking in her direction to help ward this predator off, if she needs my assistance. She slows down and pays the driver attention instead of trying to get away. I linger in the background not wanting to interrupt in case she knows them.
“What the fuck are you doing out and prancing around the neighbourhood in that? Everyone can see your fat ass hangin’ out of your shorts.” His disgusting words float through the air and hit me in the chest. That son of a bitch. Who the hell does he think he is to speak to a woman like that? The familiar way she is speaking to him makes me wonder if that’s her husband. If so, no wonder she told me she was married with such distaste.
“Get in the car, I’m taking you home.” I start to pick up my pace to give her some support. I’m not fast enough, I watch on in horror when she actually apologises and hops in the car with him. They are pulling away from the kerb by the time I reach them and she looks back at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m left helpless to make her smile again as they get further and further away.
The way he leered at her made me want to pummel him, and the way he spoke to her made me want to strangle him with my bare hands. I know I’m not worthy of a loving partner, but neither is that creep. I want to be the one who teaches him some respect.
Chapter Five
“Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.” - Eileen Mayhew
Roxi
“I'm sorry honey, it was hot and I was out running. Next time I’ll wear som
ething more appropriate.” I try to placate him, and hope that he’ll lower his voice. The last thing I want is for the people in the immediate area to call the police because we’re having a domestic dispute on the street.
As we pull out onto the road, I glance around to see if Luke’s jogging off in the opposite direction, but to my dismay he’s staring back at me. Fury and confusion fight for dominance on his face. I’m pessimistic that I’m able to hide the shame I feel, which only results in even further humiliation. If only I were able to pretend like this is no big deal, then Luke may have dismissed our dysfunctional outburst as some silly little tiff. My scowl and teary eyes betray me though. There is no way to be able to keep this much hatred trapped inside. At least Joseph is none the wiser that Luke exists. That was a close call.
“Yeah, well you better,” Joseph spits out. “I don’t even know why you’re wasting your time running, when you should be at home cleaning. You know we have Tanya and Alex coming over on the weekend.” I don’t waste my breath trying to argue, after all, Joseph knows best. There is no point trying to state my case. It would be like talking to a brick wall. Instead, I ask what he’s doing home in the middle of the day.
“Why, aren’t you pleased to see me baby? Maybe I can get all sweaty too. We can take advantage of the situation.”
I unsuccessfully suppress a shudder at the thought.
“No need to act so repulsed by me. It was just a joke, lighten up.”
“I wasn’t repulsed. I was just getting a chill from the window being open,” I lie as we pull into our driveway. I’m an expert at deceit now. I spin stories every day to conceal my disastrous life from the people I love. They all think I have the perfect life - fabulous house, loving partner–it’s all bullshit of course. They see what I want them to see.
“Well maybe you should put some fucking clothes on then.”
Wow, that was harsh. I’m not surprised though. I storm up to the house, ready to change into baggy sweats and remove my body from his critical judgement.
Joseph collects some papers from his office without acknowledging me any further and walks back out the door. An empty house, such sweet relief. I peel my clothes off and climb into the shower. The hot water eases my tense muscles and I’m glad the hot water system is working today. Steam swirls around my head. I wish it would penetrate my brain and burn all the terrible memories of Joseph away. No matter how deep I breathe it in though; the unpleasant recollections still taunt me.
Everything I’ve been bottling up is getting to be too much to contain. For a rare few moments, I allow myself to cry, letting some of the pain escape. Water from the shower washes away my tears, erasing any evidence of my heartache. I slide to the floor, sinking lower than the tears, now being carried away in the pipes below the ground. A part of me is going to a better place, out into the ocean and free.
*****
I wake up later that night squirming in my sleep. It takes me a moment to realise what is happening, but when I do, I freeze, uncertain of how to react. That doesn’t deter Joseph’s tongue from wriggling along my inner thigh, leaving a slimy trail as he works his way to my core. My pants have disappeared while I’ve been sleeping. My breath catches, I’m in utter shock. Exactly how often does he do this without me knowing? I push his head away, too afraid to speak.
“You woke up just in time for the good part,” he whispers, causing prickles of fear to rise all over my body.
“No. I don’t feel like it Joseph. I’m trying to sleep.” I roll away from him, crossing my legs together tightly. Please leave me alone.
His fingers dig into my sides as he pulls me back against his hard length. They work their way up my sides in punishing strokes and I whimper and start to shake in silent sobs.
A tight grip forms around my neck, cutting off my airway. “Hold still and shut the hell up, I’m trying to enjoy myself here.”
I lay motionless, unable to move. Sheer terror locks me into place and makes me too frightened to fight back. He forcefully shoves himself inside me and I bite down hard on my lip to prevent myself from crying out in pain. He may have made the outside of my body wet without my permission, but my channel is dry, not welcoming the intrusion in the slightest.
With his hand tight around my throat, I try to suck in a breath, but to no avail. I feel faint as darkness cloaks me, dragging me into unconsciousness.
Chapter Six
“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” - Sylvia Love
Luke
Thoughts of Roxi occupied my mind all throughout my shift last night. Just how badly does her husband treat her? No wonder she mentioned feeling unwanted. I’m kicking myself for not getting his number plate. I could have gotten one of my mates in the police force to run a check on him. I should have.
It was a long night to say the least, but I still want to go for a run and check that Roxi is okay, check that the guy who picked her up, didn’t get any more aggressive with her than the nasty words that came out of his mouth.
When I get to the place I usually meet Roxi, there is no sign of her. I slow my pace right down, hoping she’s just running behind today. Hope that the sinking feeling in my stomach is wrong. That she’s not being mistreated.
At the end of the street, I still don’t see her, so I stop and stretch. For thirty minutes, I must be fucking crazy. This is beyond a hero complex and heading into stalker territory. I shake my head at myself and take off for home. I’m probably just jumping to conclusions. She doesn’t always run on the weekends. She’s probably just taking a day off and completely fine.
I’m not even through the door, when I hear screams of ecstasy coming from Jake’s room. This isn’t unusual, but what is bizarre is the fact he is calling his screw by name. It’s Sarah apparently. Typically its ‘baby’, ‘hot stuff’, or ‘oh yeah, give it to me, you sexy piece of ass!’ I know, charming right? Like I’ve said before, how he pulls it off is completely beyond me.
The moaning and groaning still reaches my ears through the pillow I have shoved over my head. Jake is like the Energizer bunny – he keeps going and going – and my ears are bleeding. My eyes are heavy though, and eventually I fall asleep.
Chapter Seven
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” -Christopher Reeve
Roxi
When I next open my eyes, the sun is shining and the spot beside me on the bed is empty. Reluctant to rise and leave the sweet oblivion that sleep brings, I get up, dragging myself into the bathroom to scrub the disgusting residue that remains between my legs away.
Dark purple bruises on the back of my neck, catch my eye in the mirror and I wince as I trace my fingers over the tender skin. I’m almost glad they’re there, because now I’ve got proof, well one thing that might work against Joseph anyway. I’m still worried he’ll deny hurting me, that no one will believe me. It’s not like he would ever admit it. Maybe I should get more evidence before I do something. Being this unsure of everything kills me. I used to be so confident. I hate what he’s done to me, hate that I have allowed it, because I’m so afraid of him.
I allow silent tears to cascade down my face while I shower, not wanting the howling sobs that would better cleanse my soul to wake up Ricky and cause him distress. It would probably be beneficial to let Joseph hear how he’s destroying me, but the noise most likely wouldn’t make it through his office door and past the headphones that are always blaring into his ears. Even if it did, I doubt he would care. Hopefully, he will lock himself in there until it’s time to get ready for our guests.
The water isn’t too bad this morning. Not exactly warm, but not freezing either. I turn off the spray so that Ricky is able to endure a quick wash as well. Wanting to dress hastily, while I still have a little privacy in the bedroom, I dry off and think about what to wear. Casual for the day and leave the dressing up part until the last minute.
When I walk into the bedroom, Joseph is leering at me from the bed and I wrap my towel around me tig
hter while I search for an outfit.
“So, Ricky’s still asleep.” I cringe at his suggestive tone. At the way he is acting, as though nothing terrible happened last night. As if he didn’t shatter my world. Does he actually think I would want to have sex with the person who molested me while I was unconscious? Is he crazy?
I actually think he may have developed some kind of mental health problem. He’s not the man I married. I don’t understand how we got to this stage. I remember when he took on more hours at work, after we had Ricky. He slowly started to snap at me more. At first, I was shocked, then I tried to rationalize that it was because he was under a lot of stress. I reasoned that things would get better.
If friends or family ever saw any odd behaviour, which wasn’t very often, I made excuses for him. I’m not sure if I was trying to fool them or myself, probably both. His accusations and actions caused me severe embarrassment. I wanted to hide it from the world. I wanted to cover it all up. He never had to ask me to do so. If they ever heard all the vile things he said, I was convinced they would believe it.
Things started to slowly worsen and for a while, I deluded myself into thinking I could fix it. By the time I realised I couldn’t, I was trapped in a situation that I have no idea how to handle.
I wonder what people would say if I told them, my husband raped me last night. I can imagine their reply, ‘How could a husband rape his wife?’ ‘You’re married. Sex is part of that relationship.’ Or maybe, ‘That is ridiculous, he’s such a sweet man, maybe he just misunderstood your unwillingness.’
I turn my back on him without answering. My voice isn’t strong enough to come out anyway. I walk on shaky legs to the closet in a rush to find some clothes. My carefully planned outfit choices for the day go out the window as I reach for the first thing I can find, my Nirvana tee and a pair of jeans.
