by Evie Rose
I’m obviously not fast enough though, as I feel Joseph’s hot breath down my neck. His fingers trace around the top of the towel, trying to loosen it, and his eagerness presses up against my backside. I inch forward, creeping away from his touch, but he follows and leans back in. He urges me with that sickly sweet tone, “No need to get dressed yet, baby.”
I have a death grip to hold the protective barrier wrapped around me in place. “I’m a little sore,” I manage to choke out.
“I must be a bit of a stud then, hey?” He places chaste kisses along my shoulder blades. His lips hold no warmth. Instead they shoot cold fear through me. I can’t fathom how or why he is pleased with himself that he hurt me.
Wouldn’t it do better things for his pride, if he caused me great pleasure instead of pain? What did I do to deserve treatment like this?
Ricky’s sweet little voice floats through the door, “Mummy, I’m hungry.” While Joseph is distracted, I step away.
“I’ll be right there Ricky, just a second.” My voice wobbles and I will my feet to move further away from Joseph.
“There are locks on the door you know, Roxi. I’m sure it won’t kill him to wait a few minutes. I’m a stud remember, it won’t take me long.”
How could I forget? So not a funny joke. He’s sick and twisted in the head.
Things have spiralled to worse than what I ever thought possible. I need to figure out a plan. Where can I go? I have nowhere. Rachel and Mark have financial strain and a son to look after. Plus their house is the size of a shoebox, there’s no way I could impose on them.
Both my parents passed away before Ricky was born. They are probably looking down on all this in horror. I can just imagine my mumma pleading with God himself, to smite Joseph. To send him to jail and have someone rip off his nuts. She was always my biggest champion. I need to do the same for Ricky. However first, I need concrete evidence that backs up what an unfit father Joseph is, so when we leave, we never have to see the man again.
“No.” My voice comes out firm, as anger starts to seep into my thoughts at the sheer helplessness of my situation. I ignore him sulking behind me and grab a bra and panties, moving back to the bathroom to change, not wanting him to see even an inch more of skin than is already revealed to him.
By some small miracle, I manage to convince him that it’s a good idea to take Ricky out for the day, on my own. He may be a manipulator, but he’s not always a smart man. If I cause him to think he’s making the decision, I can usually sway him. By mentioning I’m worried about the mess Ricky will make before our guests arrive, it’s easy to get him to agree to let me take Ricky out. I also suggest he should stay home and relax on the computer, in the peace and quiet, after a hard week at work. Thankfully, he readily approves.
On the rare occasions that I get to go out without Joseph, whether it’s with or without Ricky, I sometimes like to make believe that I’m someone else. Lead a different life just for a day. For example, today we’re going to the beach. We don’t have to be Ricky and Roxi, depressed and suffocated by a hellish lifestyle. Today we can be whomever we want to be, no one knows us. Our life can be great, if only for one day.
Maybe I could be a successful business owner, spending a weekend away with my family. My hubby is back at the hotel running a bath for me; while my son and I have a quick swim at the beach. He could even put rose petals in the water, and while I enjoy relaxing, he could take our son back out and build sandcastles on the shoreline, and actually have fun. Or maybe not, but you can see what I mean, why I like to pretend. Go to a happy place even if it isn’t real, it’s a great escape. I can just enjoy the break and forget the crap I left behind.
“Hey Ricky, guess what?” He looks up at me curiously, and my stomach flutters in anticipation at the news I’m about to deliver. I swear I get more excited than he does, when I give him something.
“What?” My enthusiasm radiates from me to him, and before he even knows it, he’s bouncing on the balls of his feet and can hardly contain himself.
“We’re going to the beach for the day, just you and me kiddo.”
“Yes!” He’s full on jumping up and down now, and my eyes sting with unshed happy tears at the small amount of joy I am able to bring to his life. It doesn’t take much effort to please him. Children love the simple things in life. So why is it so hard for Joseph to deliver them?
“Come on, let’s get a move on.” Ricky’s only too happy to oblige and we have our beach bag packed and breakfast done in a flash. I don’t bother saying goodbye to Joseph. He probably wouldn’t hear if I called out and I never go in his office when he’s in there. If I absolutely have to, I knock extremely loud until he tells me to enter. I’m too scared of what I would walk in on otherwise, most likely him decorating the room in a disgusting gooey white mess.
In the car on the way there, we turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs. I change the words to incorporate Ricky and my names, and he laughs in glee.
“You’re a good singer, Mummy.” Only he would say that, and I love him for it. Nevertheless, I know I’m terrible. He worships me, regardless of all my faults and it makes me want to achieve a better life for him even more. I’ll work it out, I’m determined. I just have to be smart about it. Maybe I can look up what people in similar situations have done online. I have to start somewhere, and soon. After last night, I can’t keep wishing all the bad stuff will magically disappear, I have to take action.
*****
Stepping out onto the sand is glorious. I wiggle my toes in the warmth and let the salty air soak into my skin. I breathe in deeply, and the atmosphere all around helps to cleanse my soul. Ricky squeals in delight as he jumps the waves in the shallows and that helps to heal my broken heart. I wish I could stay here forever. It’s more than my happy place, it’s my life saver. It makes me see how much beauty is out in the world. Makes me see the point, why life’s worth living.
We wade in deep and I hold my arm under Ricky so we are both floating over the swells.
“Mummy can we stay here? Why do we have to go home and be sad? I want to stay here and have fun, see you smile.” He both breaks my heart and fills it back up again.
“We can’t stay here forever, we aren’t mermaids. We need the land,” I joke. How do I tell a five year old, we have to endure our tough life a little longer while, I work things out? That when we do leave, I want it to be permanent, so we don’t have to crawl back for money and shelter? I tease, “I’m awfully fond of sushi though, and there’s plenty of raw fish in the sea. So maybe we can drift a little longer.”
“You’re so silly,” he giggles. “I don’t like fish and we don’t have tails, we better go back to the sand.”
We go back in and I build a mermaid tail around his legs in the sand. Hundreds of people mill around the beach, everyone I’m sure with their own problems. Ours become smaller while we are one of the many, almost forgotten for now. By the time we make it home, I’m revived enough to cope with visitors for the night. To don the mask I wear most of the time, even if it slowly is getting more and more cracks in it. I will have to hope it holds up my disguise for just a bit longer.
*****
Tanya and Alex arrive about an hour after Ricky and I get home from the beach. I’m glad it’s them and not any of Joseph’s other friends. Alex is a bit of a dick, but not nearly as arrogant and pig-headed as some of Joseph’s other friends, and Tanya and I actually get along pretty well. I enjoy her company for the most part, however, she can be a little wild and test the guy’s limits when we all hang out, but she is a lot of fun.
Ricky sits on the couch playing with his iPad and Alex and Joseph start up the barbeque while Tanya and I catch up. “I’m in the mood for some dancing,” she says with a wiggle of her hips. “Let’s put some tunes on and pop a bottle of wine while the men tend to the barbeque.” Tanya makes herself at home and loads her iPod onto the dock. She’s only been here a couple of times, but she’s just that type of girl, relaxed anywh
ere in any situation.
A Katy Perry song starts belting through the speakers and I see Joseph’s jaw clench in frustration, he doesn’t say anything in front of his friend though. Alex is far from annoyed when Tanya sashays up to him and does a little dance. Her blonde curls bounce around her perfectly made up face, her cute outfit accentuates her body and the way she moves it, in time with the music. Staring at her, I can’t help but think of how much I have let myself go into frumpy mum mode. I don’t make much of an effort these days, because no matter what I do, Joseph never seems to appreciate it anyway. I also question if anyone ever notices Joseph and I never appear to be a ‘couple’ around each other. We’re not even friendly, more like acquaintances.
“Don’t just stand there woman, get us men a beer,” Joseph bellows, bringing me out of my sombre thoughts.
Tanya bumps her hip purposefully into Joseph. “Hey, why don’t you get your own beer? You’ve got two hands,” she chastises.
Joseph takes a deep breath trying to calm his irritation. “It’s okay, they’re cooking the food, I can get them,” I say quickly, to avoid a scene.
Ricky joins us for dinner and thankfully goes off to sleep quickly afterwards, so I don’t have to be away from our guests for too long. The guys compare business stories, talk about sports – even though I know Joseph could care less about sports, he just wants to look good in front of his friend, and the good old days – they went to school together. For some reason, they think it’s something to be proud of talking about how drunk they got on senior camp, how hilarious it was when they snuck up on all the girls in the middle of the night and scared the shit out of them, or the time they humiliated the school loser. Why did I not see this side of him when we first got together? He used to be so charming.
“Come dance with me.” Tanya pulls me to my feet and we dance around the back deck. I can feel the wine traveling through me with every move. It clears all the heavy thoughts that usually cloud my mind and makes me feel weightless, as though I’m floating, but at the same time like I could fall flat on my ass. This thought has me giggling and squealing along with Tanya, when the latest Jessica Mauboy song comes on.
“I love this song!” We jump up and down and I’m actually having fun.
“I don’t,” Joseph is getting a little fed up with the poppy music we are playing, but for once, I don’t care. It could be the alcohol coursing through my veins that has me disregarding the consequences that will surely come later.
What’s he going to do about it now, though? Turn it off and cause a scene in front of his friend? I don’t think so, he’s all about appearances.
“Why don’t we go out then? Hit the clubs for a little while and let the men listen to that head-banging rubbish they enjoy so much,” Tanya suggests.
I wish it were that easy. There is no way Joseph will go for that though.
“I think that’s a great idea. I love seeing you shake that sexy ass of yours baby, but that pop is giving me a damn headache,” Alex agrees, putting Joseph in an awkward position. He doesn’t like me going out without him, but hates to look controlling and insecure in front of anyone. I’ve stopped dancing, waiting for how Joseph is going to respond. I’d love the chance to go out and be young and free again, and escape from my usual day to day life.
“What about Ricky? He doesn’t have a baby sitter,” Joseph asks.
Tanya rolls her eyes at his argument. “He doesn’t need one. You’re still going to be here. And he’s asleep, how hard can it be?” She’s right, surely nothing can go wrong if Ricky is peacefully sleeping and we’re only gone a few hours. “Don’t worry about us either. It’ll just be a girl’s night out. We’ll look out for each other, dance for a couple of hours and come straight home.” Joseph just nods, most likely too annoyed to speak, while Tanya tugs on my arm and leads me into the house. “Come on. Let’s get you dressed for the clubs, before they change their minds.”
I look down at my jeans and a t-shirt, then at her tight fitted mini skirt and a tank, wondering what kind of outfit she has in mind for me, and if Joseph will let me out the door in it. She chooses a little black dress from the back of my closet. It isn’t too revealing, not too short or too low cut, however it fits like a glove and I don’t think Joseph will approve. Tanya must think so too, because she smirks and hands me a knee length jacket.
While waiting for our cab, Tanya visits the bathroom and Joseph ducks into the room and hands me my wedding ring. “Make sure you wear this, and don’t go slutting around.” He gives me a pointed look, but avoids saying anything else when he hears Tanya washing her hands and making her way back to my side.
“Sounds like our ride just showed up,” she says, as a horn honks from the drive. We say our goodbyes to the guys and head to the front door. Just before we leave, Tanya pulls the jacket off me and stuffs it in the hallway closet. “You won’t need this. It’s a girl’s night out and we’re going to have some fun.”
She winks at me and I gaze nervously back in the direction of Joseph. “Stop worrying and let loose. Dance, show off that sexy body, shake what ya mumma gave you and have some fun. A little harmless flirting with the guys in the club isn’t cheating. It will make you feel good about yourself for a change.” So, she does see through my façade to some degree, she can obviously tell I’m unhappy.
The cab driver beeps the horn again and I follow Tanya out the door, leaving my jacket and my worries behind. I am going to do this for me. For the first time in a long time, I am going to have a blast, while I have the chance.
Chapter Eight
“Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle, Old Age a regret.”
Benjamin Disraeli
Luke
When I wake up and wander out to the kitchen, Jake is at the counter wearing a shit-eating-grin. “Sarah made pancakes.” Sarah made pancakes? My jaw drops to the floor.
“She spent the whole day? And she has a name?” He ignores my question and instead pushes a plate towards me.
“Shut up and eat.” I go to pick one up and laugh my ass off so hard it’s impossible to eat. They’re in the shape of hearts. I’m tempted to get the maple syrup and write ‘Jake loves Sarah’ on them. Instead, I recover and shovel the food down before getting ready for our night out.
We start off the night by unwinding with a few beers at The Irish Tavern. Well Jake has the beers, because I don’t drink, I go all out on the soda though. I need all the caffeine I can get. One doesn’t sleep soundly when constantly being woken up by shouts of, “Who’s you’re daddy?” “You are.” So I’m rather tired after a crappy day’s rest. Why some guys get off on pretending to be a woman’s ‘daddy’ during sex, I will never understand. Disgusting. Jake’s a disgusting type of guy though, so I guess it fits.
“You break.” I considerately allow Jake to begin the game of pool. If I don’t give him the first go, he probably won’t get one. I’m a kick-ass snooker player. No one else usually gets a shot in edgewise, not when I sink the balls one after the other.
“Just a second.” He downs the rest of his beer in one gulp, and then picks up his cue. He holds it out in front of him, pretending it’s his dick as he walks around the table, earning himself a few strange looks from around the room in the process.
“It makes sense you’d need an extension on your manhood, with how crappy your pool skills are and all,” I rib him.
“Say’s the man who doesn’t even have any rum in his Coke.”
“I just don’t want alcohol to cause me to act like a fool, similar to what you’re doing now.” He has no come back. He loves entertaining people with his antics. I’d say he’s proud of them even. Whirling his fake penis around in the air one last time, as though it’s a fire hose out of control, he laughs and takes his first shot. Which is absolutely terrible. I could’ve made the balls move further by blowing at them from all the way over here.
“Laugh it up big guy. One day I’ll whoop your ass at this game. Right now I’m just trying to spare your feelings. Pl
us I don’t want to make you look bad in front of the ladies.”
I’m sure that’s his reasoning. I laugh harder.
As per usual, I keep taking hits until I’ve sunk every last ball. Jake has been texting on his phone the whole time, which is weird, because every other time we go out, he leaves it at home. He’s afraid he’ll lose it, while drunk out of his mind. He says he can’t see straight enough to press the right buttons while he’s blind. Which brings me to my question, why is he texting on it non-stop tonight?
“You brought your phone?” I ask.
“Yep,” he replies without explaining. To avoid any further conversation, he puts it down on the table we’re now sitting around, and moves to get another beer. A sign that the alcohol is already affecting him, otherwise he wouldn’t have left it lying around. An incoming text flashes across the screen while he’s gone.
Sarah – Hey baby. I miss you. Where are you? I want to come and dance with you. Please?
Wrong move sweetheart, you’re going to scare him away. Jake hates clingy. Good luck with that request. Nothing gets in the way of a boys night out, not even a huge rack. Well, at least not at the start of the night anyway.
Jake comes back with another beer and a soda for me. “Thanks man.” I reach for my wallet and he shakes his head.
“Don’t worry about it. You get the next round.” I slide my money back into my pocket, when I look back up, Jake is typing on his phone again and smiling. Not the reaction I expected. He doesn’t even notice the two girls leaning halfway over the pool table we just vacated, pretending to play. Very strange. I’m relieved at his distraction though.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking of Roxi right now, but I am, I can’t help it. If I have any kind of chance of moving past this stupid infatuation I’m developing, I should make a move on one of these girls, but nothing below the belt is stirring. Why is it that my cock wants a meaningful relationship and my head doesn’t? Isn’t it meant to be the other way around?
