by Evie Rose
She leads me back over to the couch where we sit down and forget about making our hot drinks. We both know she was never here for the coffee anyway. It’s just an excuse for a catch up or a chat. A social norm you fall into as you get older. Only this talk isn’t the norm by any means, and I don’t feel as though I’m getting older, I feel young and lost. Especially now that I’m going to have to start all over again. I know I can do it, but that doesn’t change how scary the prospect is.
“Why didn’t you say anything to me before now?” I question.
“You can’t help someone if they don’t want to help themselves. I didn’t want to push you before you were ready, for you to avoid me more than you already do. At least this way I could keep an eye on you.” And I know she’s right. Up until recently, I would have kept making excuses, or lied about how fabulous my life is. Or simply avoided her with one of my many, standard excuses.
It sounds ludicrous to divulge how grateful I am that she was secretly watching out for me when I thought I was all alone, so I express my gratitude by leaning over and hugging her tight.
She hisses in a breath through her teeth. At first I think my embrace is a bit enthusiastic, so I loosen my grip, but then she sweeps my hair over my shoulder and I feel her eyes on my neck, on my bruises. “Please tell me what I can do to help you get away from him. Is there anything you need? A place to stay? You know our house is small but we can make room for you. It might only be a mattress on the living room floor, but we can make it work.”
I pull away and shake my head, thinking about the information Luke disclosed earlier. He identifies with what I’m going through. I’m not sure to what degree, but he has experienced something similar. Not only did he hint at it, but I can see it. In the way his brow furrows when things get serious, as though he’s deep in thought. His eyes become distant. It shows in his smile, which is only ever a quirk of the lips, never quite stretching fully across his face. The discipline he shows while exercising, how he works himself to exhaustion, trying to forget something. When he jogs, he is running away from something, but what I don’t know. He’s broken, just like me. A kindred spirit. We could potentially drag each other down further, but I have a feeling we could keep each other afloat. He gets me, without even speaking. “I have somewhere to go. Your place is already small enough as it is, and there is no way I want to crowd you guys if I don’t have to.”
“Okay, but if you need me, I don’t want you to hold back anymore. You call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you.”
I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She will support me always, no questions asked. I’m looking forward to getting our relationship back on track, to being as close as we once were. To going to the footy and being able to cheer loudly, drink beer and eat fatty foods without Joseph’s snide comments. To being free. Most of all, I’m over the moon that Ricky will get to act like a child without having to worry about the repercussions of upsetting his father.
“I promise I’ll fill you in on more of the details when I’m not so overwhelmed. I’m sorry I kept it from you, Rach.” I see a girl’s night of junk food and chick flicks in our future, and best of all, I won’t have to beg for permission.
“Stop,” she commands holding up her hand. “No more feeling guilty. That man has manipulated your emotions for far too long. Don’t ever be sorry about your actions or how you feel again, just be you.”
But who am I? I don’t even know anymore, it’s daunting. I despise that Joseph took that away from me and I intend to find out.
“When are you leaving?” she asks, as I pull my legs up and cross them in front of me on the couch.
“After I get Ricky from school I’m going to pack and get out of here before Joseph gets home.” I anxiously tap my knees, nervously thinking through everything I have to do before we go to Luke’s. I can’t believe this is my life. That I’m sitting here contemplating my safety, when it comes to my own husband.
“How about if Mark and I come over later, help you get out of here and moved in where ever you’re going?” Rachel places her hands on top of mine, stopping my edgy movements.
I nod my head, unable to form words. I’m starting to feel disconnected from my life, my body. This all just seems so crazy. I need some time to myself, to process the whirlwind of emotion that refuses to settle. This is probably the last time for a while I will get the chance to have my own space.
Tears sting in the corner of my eyes and a lump is forming in my throat, I swallow it down. “Thanks Rach, your support means the world to me.”
She squeezes my hands and I smile up at her. “Do you think you could be back here about 7:30? Joseph won’t get home till about 8:30, so that gives me plenty of time. I want to bring Ricky home from school like normal, and explain to him here, in familiar surroundings, what’s going to happen. I don’t want to rush things and panic him.”
I inhale deeply, trying to calm myself, and then exhale, some of the weight lifting off my chest with the breath.
“Sure Rox, anything you need. Are you going to be okay until I get back? I’ll pick up Lachy and let Mark know what’s going on, then be here by 7:30.” She lets go of my hands and makes a move to stand up.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” I’m assuring myself as much as her. “I’ll see you at 7:30, all packed and ready to go.” I smile weakly, trying to show her that I can do this.
“Okay, Hun. Call if you need me before then.” She gives me a hug before I see her out the door. I lean against the frame for support, as I watch her drive away.
My phone rings and expecting to see Joseph’s name on the screen, my heart starts to pound. I don’t know how well I can pretend that everything’s normal if I talk to him. I’m terrified he’ll see right through me. The beats slow when I discover it’s Luke.
“Hey,” I answer, a little flustered.
“Hey. Are you okay?” he asks.
I place my hand over my chest, willing my heart rate to go back to normal. “Yeah. I forgot that I gave you my number earlier. I thought it was Joseph calling, I got a bit freaked out.”
“Sorry. I was just calling to see what time to expect you. I’m meant to work tonight, but I can call in and say I need the night off, if you need me to?” he questions.
I start to answer but he cuts me off, “No forget that, of course I should take the night off.”
I don’t want to put him out more than I already have, I feel bad he’s working his schedule around me. “No, you go to work, we’ll be fine. My friend and her husband are coming over later to help me move and to be honest, Ricky will probably be more relaxed about everything if I introduce him to all these changes slowly. It might help if no one is home when we first get there.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I worry that I’ve been rude. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. Of course you are welcome in your own home, I just meant...”
“Roxi, slow down. It’s alright, I know what you meant. Take a deep breath.” He pauses while I try to recover from feeling like an idiot. “That actually makes a lot of sense. I’ll go into work and leave a key under the mat for you.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, glad that I didn’t offend him. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
We chat for a few more minutes and I hang up with all the details I need to know.
Once everything is packed and I’m alone with my thoughts, I’m not sure what to do with myself. Why bother cleaning when I won’t be around anymore? I can’t concentrate on reading. Can’t focus on the TV. I’m too anxious to eat. I end up alternating between pacing and staring at the wall. Going over in my head just what I’m going to say to Ricky.
I’m a bundle of nerves by the time I pick him up, skittish on the inside, but as normal on the outside as I can be for my son. I won’t fall apart. I’m not allowing Joseph to hold that power over me anymore.
“Hey, sweetie. How was school?” I open the car door, helping him into his car seat and buckling him up.
“Good. Ar
e you okay Mummy?” It seems I haven’t fooled him in the slightest with my brave face. I wonder just how much he’s picked up in the past that I’ve never realised.
“I sure am Ricky.” I smile encouragingly. “You and I are going to go on a big new adventure later. I’ll tell you all about it when we get home.” I’m hoping my enthusiasm warms him to the idea.
He looks up at me with apprehension. “Is Daddy coming?”
“No, just you and I, kiddo.” Relief washes over his features, his furrowed brows smoothing back out. I lean down and kiss him on the forehead and he doesn’t even get embarrassed that his friends might see, like he usually does.
“I only need you Mummy.” His sweet words squeeze my heart. How right he is. I only need him as well. All we need is each other. I was supposed to be comforting him about what’s to come and here he is instilling confidence in me. We can do this.
*****
A car pulls up in the drive and I glance at the clock. 7:00 p.m., Rachel’s here early. I go to my closet to get the bags and allow Ricky a few more minutes in his room to play with the toys he’ll have to leave behind.
The sound of a key turning in the lock on the front door freezes me in place. I stop breathing, as I listen to Joseph walk across the tiles downstairs. He’s not supposed to be home for at least another hour and a half. Fear kicks in and my heart accelerates, thumping so hard it might actually explode. I listen to him moving around for a moment, trying to figure out if I should hide the bags or go to Ricky and let him know the change of plans.
Since Ricky usually hides in his room and out of his father’s sight anyway, I go to hide the bags. My hands shake, as I pick them up and realise my side of the walk-in wardrobe is bare.
“Roxi, where’s dinner?” Joseph calls up.
I ignore him, figuring that getting some things back on the shelves before he sees they are missing is more important. I hide Ricky’s duffel under a pile of blankets and frantically start pulling my clothes out, dropping them all over the floor. Shit, work you stupid hands.
“What the fuck’s going on?” Joseph snarls from the doorway, eyeing me kneeling down and attempting to fold a top with my tremors.
“No... Nothing,” I stutter, avoiding eye contact. “Just doing some washing.”
He thumps the wall with his fist, making me jump. “Bullshit. What’s with the bag? Where do you think you’re going?”
“No... Nowhere,” I stammer. As he advances towards me, I eye the door, wondering if I can get around him and create some distance between us.
“Don’t lie to me.”
On shaky legs, I rise to my feet and put myself in a less vulnerable position. I take a deep breath, fortifying myself. I can do this. Rachel and Mark will be here soon for support. Nothing too bad can happen in that short amount of time. I’ll just tell him, then go grab Ricky and wait out front. He won’t hurt us in plain sight of the neighbours. “I think maybe we should spend some time apart. Give each other a little space.” The rhythm in my chest is now erratic, my pulse racing, as I hurry to explain.
“Our relationship is obviously toxic. It’s not healthy for any of us. It might be more beneficial for Ricky if...” The end of my spiel trails off as I watch his eyes darken and turn feral. The menacing gleam in them has me quivering and shrinking away.
“No you’re not leaving me. I won’t let you.” He’s eerily calm as he cocks his head to the side and studies my reaction, then he snaps, “Are you cheating on me? Is there another man? Who is he? I’ll kill him.” His nose flares and his scowl, so pronounced, I expect his fist to coming flying towards my face at any second.
“No,” I squeak.
Abruptly, his hands shoot out and grip around my throat. “You stupid, fucking bitch. How dare you make me look like a fool.”
Gasping for air, I pull at his arms, desperate to breathe. Panic overtakes me at the look in his eyes. They light up and sparkle at my clear distress. His snarl is pure evil. Blood rushes in my ears and my vision blurs as he constricts tighter, suffocating me. But I don’t give up. I scratch at his skin, sinking in my nails and causing him to bleed, the sticky mess on the tops of my fingers.
Cursing, he let’s go and glances at the damage I caused.
I’m wheezing, struggling for breath, struggling to figure out how to escape.
“What were you thinking, you worthless bitch? You assume you can get away from me? You’re nothing without me.”
I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I try to get around him, but he shoves me backwards. As I fall down, he straddles me and wraps his hands back around my throat. His fingers are cold and callous, chilling me right down to the bone. The strong pressure he’s applying is cutting off my airways. I fight once again to push him away, scared for my life. It’s no use though. Just when I start to think this is the end, he laughs and moves off of me. My hands immediately go to my throat as I gulp in air.
“You want your freedom? Fine, I’m leaving. See how long you last without me.” He walks out of the room calmly as though nothing out of the ordinary happened. I however, lay paralysed from the fear he has instilled in me.
Other than my heavy breathing and the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears, it’s eerily quiet. My mind goes to Ricky and I scramble to my feet and race to his room. When I open his door my heart lurches in my chest. His pants are wet and a puddle surrounds his feet. He looks up at me with wide watery eyes.
“Mummy,” his voice is weak and wobbly and I rush to his side, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and reassuring him. He must’ve heard everything.
“It’s okay. Rachel and Mark are going to be here soon to help us pack the car for our adventure.” I swallow; my throat dry and my words coming out raspy. “Let me get you changed.”
Movement sounds from down stairs and I hurry to get Ricky some fresh pants. Luckily, I didn’t pack all of his clothes earlier and there are still a few pairs in the cupboard. I strip the wet ones off and throw them into the basket in the corner, then wipe him dry as best I can with the towel from behind his door before putting on the new ones.
“I’ll teach her,” Joseph’s cryptic words float up the stairs.
If he’s trying to frighten the bejeezus out of me, it’s working. I feel like a sitting duck, trapped and waiting for him to come back for the kill.
“Her and the stupid, good for nothing kid too.” The threat is like an electric shock straight to the heart. A current of fear rippling throughout my body, jolts me into action. I pick Ricky up and race back to my room. Opening the drawer of my bedside table, I fumble around and find my mobile. I can’t get my fingers to stop shaking, as I type in a quick text to Luke.
I need your help.
Rachel and Mark will be here soon but the more people here to help, the safer we’ll be. He did say he could get off work if I needed him after all. Even though it makes me feel terrible.
“Mummy, I’m scared.” Tears are falling down Ricky’s cheeks and his bottom lip quivers.
Squeezing him a little tighter for reassurance, I stare at the screen of my phone, willing Luke to answer. “It’s alright sweetie. Mummy’s got you, you’re safe. Rachel and Mark are going to be here any minute to help.”
As I go to call the police, an odd smell permeates the air. I make the mistake of breathing in deeply to try and figure out what it is. The fumes burn my nose and I cough and splutter. All my senses become alert. I squint through curious eyes, as if I can actually see what the odour is. It gets stronger as I tiptoe towards the stairs with Ricky in my arms. My ears twitch as I strain to hear what Joseph is doing. The sound of splashing and a menacing laugh assaults my ears.
A split second after I realise that my house smells like a petrol station, a flash of heat carries up the stairs. A lashing of fire strikes out as if Joseph is sticking his tongue out at me, and saying with flames ‘you can’t hurt me, because I’ll burn you right back.’ The front door slams shut, and the rush of air that pushes inwards, sends the burning inferno
up my way. It blocks our path of escape and chances of survival. Fear grips me, strangles me, and threatens to suffocate me completely.
Ricky’s screams break through my shock and I rush us to his room. I rip the blanket off his bed and move us to the window. He’s shaking as I place him on his feet and kneel down in front of him. “I know you’re scared baby, but Mummy needs you to do exactly as I say.” He nods his head. “As long as you are under this blanket, you’re safe okay? I need you to lie on the ground and I’ll place it over you. I’ll be under there with you as soon as I can. I just need to call for help first.”
He allows me to help him to the ground and cover him up; preventing the smoke from getting to him. My chest tightens at the sight of him trembling under the blanket. His soft cries are breaking me apart. I stroke my hand over his back to provide some comfort and then stand to call emergency services.
Chapter Fourteen
“All men are created equal, then a few become firemen.” - Author Unknown
Luke
I’m playing solitaire on my phone when a message comes through.
I need your help.
No explanation, but that’s enough to get my heart racing. Something bad must’ve happened for her to reach out to me. I’m on my feet in an instant, and on my way to wake up the chief, consequences be damned. The alarm sounding beats me to the punch though. For the first time ever, I’m readying my excuses of why I can’t head out with my crew, but then Dex calls out Roxi’s address to the driver. All those excuses fly out the window.
What the fuck happened? Did I hear that address right? Roxi and Ricky are supposed to be at my house by now. Are they there? Are they safe?
It feels like the wind’s been knocked right out of me. My gut twists as I move through the flurry of people suiting up to get to Dex.
