Contents
About the Book
About the Authors
Also by James Patterson
Title Page
Dedication
1 I Am Stainlezz Steel
2 The Real Me
3 Welcome to UMS
4 My Tiny Problem
5 Ambushed!
6 Cleaning Up the Streets
7 Straight to the Top
8 The Sugar Shack
9 Troublemaker for Life
10 No-Good, Low-Down Dirty Dog
11 Yakkety-Yak…What?
12 Life on the D-Squad
13 Get Ready for Dr. Yetty
14 A Tight Spot
15 Did Someone Say “Steel”?
16 Not Now, Ray-Ray!
17 Dr. Yetty’s Really Big, Really Terrible Idea
18 Lesson #1
19 Not Getting It
20 Ray-Ray, Preemie, Quaashie, Vanessa, and…Me?
21 Five on the Run
22 Action!
23 Steel vs. Steel
24 Egypt is in Africa
25 Lesson #2
26 “A” Is for Idiots
27 Climb to the Bottom
28 All Wet
29 Never Thought I’d See the Day
30 Meeting the King
31 Sweatin’ with the Big Dogs
32 One Thing or Another
33 Back at the Lab…
34 Starfish
35 Chickens with Fingers!
36 My New Rep
37 Ain’t No Future in Your Frontin’
38 G-ma Goes Off
39 Some Kind of Mistake
40 Double Trouble
41 You Too?
42 What’s Up with That?
43 Ray-Ray vs. Dr. Y.
44 Ray-Ray’s Crib
45 Books Are for Everyone
46 The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth (About My Dad)
47 Public Enemy #1
48 Cray-Cray Comes Through
49 Another One Bites the Dust
50 Splat!
51 I Hate Hospitals!
52 Full Steam Ahead
53 March Isn’t Just a Month of the Year
54 Here Goes Nothing
55 Time to Come Clean
56 Face-off
57 You Never Know
58 Anybody Home?
59 Home for the Holidays
60 Chess, Anyone?
61 The Adventure Continues
Sneak Preview for House of Robots
Sneak Preview for Treasure Hunters
Copyright
About the Authors
JAMES PATTERSON is the internationally bestselling author of the highly praised Middle School books, Homeroom Diaries, House of Robots, and the I Funny, Treasure Hunters, Confessions, Maximum Ride, Witch & Wizard and Daniel X series. James Patterson has been the most borrowed author in UK libraries for the past seven years in a row and his books have sold more than 300 million copies worldwide, making him one of the biggest-selling authors of all time. He lives in Florida.
CHRIS TEBBETTS has collaborated with James Patterson on four books in the Middle School series and is also the author of The Viking, a fantasy-adventure series for young readers. He lives in Vermont.
CORY THOMAS is an illustrator and cartoonist based in Atlanta, Georgia. His syndicated comic strip, Watch Your Head, appears in newspapers across the country.
Also by James Patterson
THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE
(with Chris Tebbetts)
This is the insane story of my first year at middle school, when I, Rafe Khatchadorian, took on a real-life bear (sort of), sold my soul to the school bully, and fell for the most popular girl in school. Come join me, if you dare …
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
(with Chris Tebbetts)
We’ve moved to the big city, where I’m going to a super-fancy art school. The first project is to create something based on our exciting lives. But I have a BIG problem: my life is TOTALLY BORING. It’s time for Operation Get a Life.
MY BROTHER IS A BIG, FAT LIAR
(with Lisa Papademetriou)
So you’ve heard all about my big brother, Rafe, and now it’s time to set the record straight. I’m NOTHING like my brother. (Almost) EVERYTHING he says is a Big Fat Lie. And my book is 100 times better than Rafe’s. I’m Georgia, and it’s time for some payback … Khatchadorian style.
HOW I SURVIVED BULLIES, BROCCOLI, AND SNAKE HILL
(with Chris Tebbetts)
I’m excited for a fun summer at camp—until I find out it’s a summer school camp. There’s no fun and games here, I have a bunk mate called Booger Eater (it’s pretty self-explanatory), and we’re up against the kids from the “Cool Cabin” … there’s gonna be a whole lotta trouble!
ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN
(with Julia Bergen)
Who would have thought that we—Rafe and Georgia—would ever agree on anything? That’s right—we’re writing a book together. Discover: Who has the best advice on BULLIES? Who’s got all the right DANCE MOVES? Who’s the cleverest Khatchadorian in town? And the best part? We want you to be part of the fun too!
SAVE RAFE!
(with Chris Tebbetts)
I’m in worse trouble than ever! I need to survive a gut-bustingly impossible outdoor excursion so I can return to school next year. Watch me as I become “buddies” with the scariest girl on the planet, raft down the rapids on a deadly river, and ultimately learn the most important lesson of my life.
I FUNNY
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Join Jamie Grimm at middle school where he’s on an unforgettable mission to win the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest. Dealing with the school bully (who he also happens to live with) and coping with a disability are no trouble for Jamie when he has laughter on his side.
I EVEN FUNNIER
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jamie’s one step closer to achieving his dream! This time, be amazed as he fends off the attention of thousands of star-struck girls, watch in awe as he reduces the school bully to a quivering mess, and join the masses as he becomes the most popular kid in school. Or something like that …
I TOTALLY FUNNIEST
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jamie’s heading to Hollywood for his biggest challenge yet. There’s only the small matter of the national finals and eight other laugh-a-minute competitors between him and the trophy—oh, and a hurricane!
TREASURE HUNTERS
(with Chris Grabenstein)
The Kidds are not your normal family, traveling the world on crazy adventures to recover lost treasure. But when their parents disappear, Bick and his brothers and sisters are thrown into the biggest (and most dangerous) treasure hunt of their lives. Evil pirates, tough guys and gangsters stand in their way, but can they work together to find mom and dad?
TREASURE HUNTERS: DANGER DOWN THE NILE
(with Chris Grabenstein)
The hunt continues, and this time the Kidds are taking on the hair-raising dangers of the Nile. They meet some seriously BAD guys along the way, risking life and limb to find the legendary mines of King Solomon … and their mom and dad, of course!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Sammy is just your average kid … except he lives in a house full of robots! Most of the time it’s pretty cool. But then there’s E, the worst robot ever. He’s a know-it-all, thinks he’s Sammy’s brother, AND he’s about to go to the same school! Come see if Sammy ever manages to make any friends with a loser robot tagging along …
FOR THE KIDS OF PAHOKEE,
BELLE GLADE, AND ALL
THE MUCK CITIES
—J.P.
TODAY I, STAINLEZZ Steel, am officially bugged out. Today’s my first day at Un
ion Middle School, and the truth is, I’m a little scared.
Don’t laugh. My school is way worse than your school. Believe that.
In real life, I am mild-mannered, easy-to-get-along-with Kenny Wright.
And as you may have figured out by now, Stainlezz Steel only exists in my crazy mixed-up imagination.
Superheroes aren’t real. I know that. But you show me a kid who says he never wished he could fly like Superman, or run like the Flash, or mess around inside Iron Man’s supersuit…and I’ll show you a kid who’s lying through his grill.
That’s why I made up Stainlezz Steel. Inside my head, I mean. Because I have about as much chance of being a superhero as a turtle has of winning a hundred-yard dash. And the only battles I ever win are on the chessboard.
Not like Steel.
It doesn’t help that my stubborn-as-a-donkey Grandma Hope insists on walking me to school, either. (I call her G-ma for short. She calls me Kenneth, for long, but you can just call me Kenny.)
I explained to G-ma that I’m in sixth grade now. It’s straight-up embarrassing to show up with your granny on the first day. Everyone thinks I’m kind of a geek to begin with. Well… maybe not a geek-geek, but I’m definitely not “that dude.” You know that dude; the ladies love him, and the fellas want to be him. But try explaining that to G-ma. She may not be hard of hearing, but she can definitely be hard of listening, if you know what I mean. And she has an opinion about EVERYTHING.
And don’t get me wrong. I’ve got mad respect for G-ma. She takes good care of me, and I try to do the same for her. She also makes the best peach upside-down cake you ever tasted.
It’s just that I’m crazy nervous about starting middle school. Like, throw-up-on-my-shoes nervous. Kids like me can get stomped down pretty quick at a place like Union Middle.
But G-ma doesn’t notice. On the real, for a little old lady, she has a lot of heart. She’s fearless. Sometimes I think she may be a champion MMA prizefighter at night. Hey, it’s possible. She just keeps walking on down Martin Luther King Avenue, talking to me about grades and high expectations, while I try to hold on to my breakfast and figure out how I’m going to make it through the first day.
Times like these, I could use a little less Kenny and a lot more Steel.
OKAY, IN MY neighborhood, my school is known as Fort Union. That’s because of the crazy-strict military base rules there.
No kids get inside until 7:50 a.m., sharp.
No kids get inside without a student ID.
No kids get inside without opening their backpacks for the security guards.
And that’s just the front door. I’m sure it’d take you less time to get through the airport’s high-tech security with explosives tied to your calves. It’s crazy, man. This is what I go through, every stinkin’ day.
When I get past security, I find that my homeroom doesn’t even have real windows. It’s just metal screens where someone broke out the glass over the summer.
Also, it’s kind of crowded in here. “Overcrowded” would be an understatement. For real.
After attendance, my homeroom teacher, Ms. Green, takes us around the school and shows us where everything is.
Downstairs on the first floor, the library’s about the size of a closet. There’s one rolling computer cart with two computers for the whole school. Also some wrinkly old posters of President Obama, Dr. King, and Rosa Parks on the wall. They just look sad and tired, which I don’t think is supposed to be the idea. I may come in really late one night as Steel and hang up a few Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and Sojourner Truth posters. Yeah, like that.
Ms. Green shows us the cafeteria next. Then I ask her where the gym is, but she just shrugs.
“They’ve got a gym at Union High,” she says. “Here at the middle school, we just sectioned off a part of the parking lot. Sometimes we take students to the park down the street.”
And I haven’t even talked about the other kids yet.
At UMS, the sixth-grade classes are on the second floor. Seventh grade is on the third floor. And eighth grade is on the fourth floor. In other words, the higher you go, the more dangerous it gets. Because those eighth graders…I can’t even front…they can be a little intimidating—scratch that, they can be straight-up scary sometimes. About half of the boys have full beards, and I’ve seen at least three girls with healthy mustaches. No lie.
Believe me, you do not want to get caught alone on the fourth floor in this place.
Or in the stairwell.
And definitely not in the bathroom. Never in the bathroom. I’ve already decided that if I ever have to go, I’m just going to hold it until high school. Peeing your pants is not a good look, but you know, sometimes in life, especially life at Fort Union, a brotha has to weigh his options. Carefully.
So wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.
FIRST PERIOD, I have history with Mr. Hillcoat. He comes in, writes his name on the board, and then tells us to open our books. “Start reading,” he says. “Keep reading till the bell. No one will be permitted to use the restroom, and please, whatever you do, don’t disturb me. Thanks, guys.” Then he takes a seat at his desk, props up his muddy kicks, and watches SportsCenter on his iPad.
I’m pretty sure there are some good teachers at Union Middle School. Maybe even some great teachers—the kind who make everything fun and who really want you to do your best.
Mr. Hillcoat is not one of those teachers. He’s a bum, or what we in DC call a bamma: a clueless, useless person. Or it could mean someone who dresses like a clown. That’s Mr. Hillcoat. Bamma to the millionth degree. He looks like he just stepped out of a bad film from 1984. His gear is busted. Straight busted.
Also, my history book is so old, it is history. Like maybe George Washington’s kids used it when they went to middle school. The only thing holding it together now is some old yellow packing tape. But I don’t think Hillcoat notices or cares.
This is another thing about UMS. There aren’t always enough seats to go around. My history class has twenty-five desks and twenty-eight kids.
Actually…make that twenty-nine kids, because Tiny Simpkins just rolled in.
I know Tiny from around the way. He’s always up to no good. He’s taller than any sixth grader should be—six foot two, and just as big around. He also has four older brothers: Tommy, Terrell, Tony, and Theo.
Theo plays football, middle linebacker, for Howard University. He may even go pro if he can control his temper. Terrell and Tommy play football at Union High, and of course, Tony plays football with the eighth graders. They have anger management issues, too. The Simpkins brothers are no joke. If you see any of those guys coming your way, your best move would be to freeze, like a chameleon. And you better hope that you blend in with that mailbox or that light pole, because if they see you, it just might be curtains for you, son. For real. Man, they beat people down just for fun—for fun!
“Wassup, Grandma’s Boy?” Tiny says. He always calls me that, which is just one of the reasons I can’t stand him.
“Wassup, Tiny?” I say back.
“No, man,” he says, stepping up on me. “Wassup?”
And then I figure it out. He doesn’t mean What’s up? He means Get up off of that seat, or else.
And I think—
See, kids like Tiny love to come after kids like me. I always want to say, “Man, it’s not my fault I get good grades, so step off.” (It’s actually G-ma’s fault. She makes me do all my homework, all the time.) But I figured out a long time ago that I have a better chance of surviving all the way to college if I do three things: keep working hard in school, don’t talk about my grades, and don’t give kids like Tiny any other reasons to beef with me.
So instead, it goes more like this—
’Cause let’s face it. Unlike Stainlezz Steel, I’ve got no chance against someone like Tiny Simpkins.
And I never will.
THE FUN DOESN’T end at 3:15, either. After the final bell, I get ambushed by G-ma
.
Well, not exactly ambushed, since I knew she was coming. See, my grandmother used to be a teacher herself. She spent sixty-one years in the public schools—and if that doesn’t make you tough, nothing will.
Now she’s a reading tutor for kids who need it. That happens right after last period, three days a week. And that means I have to hang around and wait for her, one hour every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Just like last year at my old school, and the year before. And the year before that.
Sometimes I’ll do my homework, or read a book. Sometimes my friend Arthur Wong will hang with me, like he’s doing today. Arthur likes a lot of the same stuff I do. He’s got an awesome comic collection, and he’s just as good at chess as I am. Someday we’re going to be champions and battle in the world-class tournaments.
Meanwhile, we take turns kicking each other’s butts.
It may not look like it, but chess is a war. It’s two armies going head-to-head, and only one of them can survive. I like to think of my pieces like the Avengers, or the Justice League. Every different piece has its own superpowers. Knights can turn invisible and sneak around corners. Bishops are made of rubber, and they can slip through anything. Queens have superstrength. That kind of stuff.
So actually, it’s not so bad hanging around after school. Especially when Arthur’s there.
The only problem is, you know who else is around right after school? The detention crew. The D-Squad. And they tend to be the kinds of kids I was talking about before—the ones who call me Grandma’s Boy and give me quick, hard jabs to the kidneys in the hall when no one’s looking. Which is most of the time, at UMS.
Kenny Wright Page 1
