by A M Russell
With a swift movement as another giant scooped me up, and gripped me from behind. The one who and brought me out of the hut held aloof the huge knife that shimmered along its edge. They clambered with a deafening roar, as the sea crashed its music all around. The bright freshness of the morning air was waking me. And all I felt was pain. My body a miasma of spasms and ominous aches. The first giant looked at me again. And they were for a moment like stone statutes in some terrible fairy tale; and I thought it might be okay after all. I would wake up, and this would be an irresponsible dream. The first giant stretched out his hand high into the sky, and I saw the sun’s disk reflected in the flat of the blade. Why? I felt the intent. And I saw my mean little self as if from above. They would purge the land and this was what happened to some unwary travellers who trespassed on land at the edge of forever.
Suddenly the giant moved. It was he that swung the knife. For a fraction of a moment the sun gleamed on its edge with a beautiful beam of light; and then all of me was racing, racing…. Running like sand or water, or dissolving like mist. As the point entered I gasped. And it drove in further.
They dropped me then like a used toy, broken and forgotten. The only mercy was that their booming voices moved away and faded to nothing. I was sweating and trembling, I was cold and raging hot. I could only breathe by fractions of an inch. And my left arm felt paralysed. I turned my head and saw the waves. Each rolling breaker sounded a beat against the pain bursting in my chest again and again and again.
It was then I saw a figure, they were dark against the glassy waves, and moved quickly towards me down the lapping line of tiny outer wavelets as they reached up the beach.
The moments stretched to hours. The pain went on and on. I was crying silently, all I saw was blurred.
Gently someone took my hand. I could see him.
‘I will withdraw it….’
There was a moment between the sounds of the waves where my eyes rolled back in my head and my body convulsed. Then a warmth spread back into my limbs. I opened my eyes. I felt the blood leak and flow. The pain eased a little and after another minute became duller, more foggy somehow.
He came and slid his hand under my head and shoulders and raised me slightly. My eyes focussed. My right hand was across my chest, and I saw blood between my fingers. My blood. Seeping out of a wound that would not heal this time.
‘Jared!’ I gasped.
‘Yes. I am here.’ He smiled down at me, ‘I won’t leave you. I will stay. You are not alone.’
I tried to breathe in but it was difficult. ‘I’m dying.’ I said with effort.
‘Yes.’ He said a brushed my hair away from my face to calm me.
‘How soon?’ I could feel the leaking of things into the wrong compartments like leaky cartons inside a shopping bag.
‘A few minutes,’ Jared said, ‘and then you will leave this place.’
‘Where will I go?’
‘Wherever you want to go.’
‘I came to…. Bring you back, Jared. I’m….. here with Janey…. She’s in Summerland. Where’s….. our Janey?’
‘Hush now. It’s alright. She’s here. I will tell her. But later. She is sitting by the shore of the sea.’
I heard the waves. And Jared held me carefully in his arms like a wounded bird. His bright warmth eased the sorrow, and cleared away the terror. Now I was so tired of all this. I had come to the end. Somehow I was glad, at least I had found him. But what would he do now? Could he go back? What would happen to all of them? He seemed to understand even though I had not spoken.
‘All will be well.’ He said softly. I was ready, and found myself surprised to be so. I relaxed a little.
I looked up at him smiling down at me. It was getting harder to see. I tensed again, as if the body was trying to hang on to something. The rushing of the waves was in my ears and then I opened my eyes again.
‘Jared!....’ and he took my hand. He felt real. Solid. Where were we? Was this near to that other world? What was it? I opened my eyes for the last time. To the right I saw another person walking towards us. Limping slightly.
Then it came; numbing coolness and a fading background of warmth. That breath; sighing on and on, as my sight splintered and fractured with the vision of that figure brokenly running towards us upon the sand.
*****
Nine
There was music. The sound of leaves, and water flowing. And a voice that sweetly sung of light and morning. A morning sound…. I could hear the sound that told of fronds of flowers violet-blue and red, and butter yellow. I was listening for the next strain of the song, gently winding between, and blending with the river’s flow and the leafy chorus, so sibilant and full of delight. I saw then those leaves moving above me. They were like birch leaves. They curled and rustled and flexed in shades of pale yellowy-green. And above that the bluest sky I had ever seen: like cornflowers or azure from the watercolour pallet of a great artist. It was pure and intense, yet gentle and winning, it called you to enjoy it’s blueness as if it was a pure note sounded like a bell above the dome of the heavens. There was nothing but a saturated pattern of splendour. And still the music of that voice rose and fell.
A man came to me. I saw him approach slowly, he was no hurry, and stopped many times to look at the flowers. He seemed to be greeting someone every so often, but I did not see who it was.
He stopped when he came to me. He looked down upon me. I was aware only then that I lay on a grassy space. I felt I could not move. But it did not make me afraid rather I was feeling still heavy with the sense of having slept a long time. That moment of waking, with the mind wiped clean of all things. A lightness of heart soared in me as he met my gaze. I found myself laughing with a helpless joy and a freedom that knew no constraint.
The man smiled and then broke into laughter too, and the music of the singing grew louder, as if charged with the energy of him who stood regarding me with such an expression that I could not bear it. But, you understand I wanted to see, and know and enjoy. I blinked a few times.
‘David!’ he held out a hand to me. Without a thought or fear I took it. He pulled me to my feet.
I thought then that I was naked, but he put his arm around my shoulders and the folds of a garment were at my chest. I saw my hands and my fore arms, I saw my body as I looked down. What was I thinking of then? Something I did not remember. But I knew it was there. I looked back at him. His shirt was purple. It was like the one in the dream of Jared. Then I thought of Jared. But I wasn’t sure why.
‘Come!’ he said. I followed him.
Between two trees I saw a sandy shore, and before me a spur of land, that two tides washed against it from the right and the left. It was like a Tee shape. A narrow path of dry land going out from the dry land before us at a right angle. It was of pale sparkling sand that gleamed in this warm blessed day.
‘Here. Sit with me.’ He showed me a little place in the shade that large leaves gave shelter to. I sat and smoothed my hands over my legs and soft cotton; light sand coloured shorts. He sat next to me.
‘You see the land before you. The path that goes out from here?’
I nodded.
‘That is the way back. You can take this road. Do you wish to do this?’
There was a silence inside my mind as the habits of speech and understanding of another reasserted themselves. After some minutes I found my voice. The man all the while had sat untroubled. There was the music of the waves continually rising and falling. And endless song that made the day complete.
‘What must I do when I go back?’ how slight my voice sounded! Yet it was the same as always.
‘There is no knowing such a thing. As you have already chosen, I will show you something before you go.’
‘I will go back. But tell me, who are you?’
‘I am always telling you. For in the path you walk, I walk also. You will not be alone.’ He smiled then, that smile that I had seen in Jared sometimes.
‘Yes,’ he said,
as if he heard my thought, ‘I will take you back to your friends. Then for a while you will not see me.’
‘Where am I?’
He smiled again, and stood up. I followed him out onto the beach. He turned and pointed. I looked and saw waterfalls and glades and forests and rivers gleaming in the distance. And beyond that a great waterfall coming over a mountain, and above a land that was lush and verdant and sighing with bright colours, and rich glossy colours, and gentle hues, dappled patterns of leaves were forests and plains and greater rivers of pure water flowed… and beyond that….
I turned back to him, with tears springing into the corner of my eyes. I had seen only a little, and yet I longed with the deepest heart of me. But for my honour I knew what I had said to do. In his eyes I saw it too. And saw that he knew, as only those who leave this place must know. I blinked to ready myself now for the diminution into lesser light. Perhaps in that crossing I would find my yearning heart to turn again towards my home back there. But for now, as we began to walk to the narrow path between two seas I felt I was dying all over again.
We stood on that same shore in the clouded chill of morning light. And there before us was a little tableau. A woman knelt in the sand, and she cradled a boy’s head in her arms. He was young, yet had several days growth of a man’s beard set against skin that was bluish pale. The woman wept. She rocked herself as if to still her anguished heart and yet it seemed to come in greater waves like a drowning dark tide. Grief, and loss and fear… nearby stood another a little way from her. His head was bowed, his hands together as if pleading for the pale boy.
‘Please help them!’ I said to the man. I turned. He was already walking forward. The people didn’t see him or notice him. Perhaps they were too preoccupied.
First he went to the man and laid his hands on his shoulders. I saw my companion say something; and then the other… who I now saw was Jared looked up. He was looking straight towards me. Yet he didn’t appear to see me. Then the man went to the weeping girl. He knelt down beside her and embraced her. She stopped rocking to and fro and let go of the boy.
After a few minutes Jared held out his hand to her. She stood and ran into his arms. The man knelt by the boy. He put one hand on his chest and the other hand on his head. He was speaking, but I could not hear. I took a few steps towards him, trying to listen. He spoke again. Again I could not hear. So I edged nearer listening very carefully. He turned slightly, and smiled at me as if inviting me to come closer. I did so and knelt down beside him.
‘Now you will be new.’ said the Man.
I looked down and my heart was filled with pity for the still form of the boy. I heard the girl weeping somewhere behind me. He was so young, so broken. Destroyed. I could feel the well of salty tears forcing themselves upwards, burning in my eyes. He was bruised and pale, scared and lean. I saw his chest like a red flower against the silver-grey coat. I was staring so intently. The Man spoke: ‘Is it time?’ he asked me.
‘Yes. I will go back.’ I said.
And then the strangest thing. A little gasp of surprise from behind me. The girl rushed back to the boy’s side, she was facing me, but did not see me. And Jared sat down in the sand, right next to the Man. The Man smiled at me. ‘I am with you.’ he said, and talking the hand that covered the chest he put it against my chest. At once I gasped. ‘All will be well. Close your eyes now.’
It did so, and crumpled backwards into the sand. His hand was still upon me, and I could not move. There was no breath, no weight, just lightness and stillness. I let go of the fear that had paralysed me on this beach so long ago. How long? I did not know. I moved my lips, or rather tried to. I wanted to thank him. To say thank you. I had lost the weight of terror. It was gone. I wanted to breathe in and cry out, but the pressure on my chest seemed heavier and heavier until it would crush me completely. I did not resist but relaxed.
The sound of the roaring waves, and wind blowing along the shore. There was a chill, and then a release. I could smell the briny air. And then with a shuddering creak of ribs and a curling in my stomach I sucked in the cutting chill of the air. There were confused images as I opened my eyes. Someone moved and cried out harsh and shrill. I could not hear the words. But the hand that was laid on me was Jared’s, and he spoke in a language I did not understand. His eyes met mine. The Man it seemed was still there in Jared’s eyes. His touch was radiating a warm stream that flowed, burning through all the channels of this body. It was running like fire to every part.
‘Jared….’ I whispered in a parched mumble. And then she was there beside me. Our Janey. She was there too, the fine strands of her hair whipping across her face in the stiff breeze. She touched my cheek and there was a warmth that ran through me right to the core. Then the body was flexing, arching. They held me until it stilled. Then she spoke, kneeling and bending so her lips were next to my ear.
‘Come back to us Davey.’ were the words I heard, as the scent of roses reached me, and brought summer back to my soul. They were my brother and my sister, my father and mother who had drawn me back from some impossible thing. Yet it was the Man….. I thought of his face. Yet I could only see Jared and Janey; and their eyes. And the ocean that divided us from a path from which I had returned. It fluttered inside of me: my damaged heart. And slowly, so slowly as the tide touched Janey’s shoes, and the wind rose and tangled her hair, Jared held his hand over my heart, it was becoming whole again; each beat taking that warm essence round the whole, pouring into me like warm wine until I could drink no more. I sighed as the rigidity of my left arm at last eased. Janey took hold of that hand curling her fingers round mine. I tried to hold on to her and my hand curved about hers in response. Jared moved his hand away a fraction, then another. I was breathing freely, and the pain had gone.
Then at a signal from Janey, Jared scooped me up easily in his arms. Janey seemed to be carrying my pack. They walked along the shore line with the wind at their backs. Jared was strong, and real and solid. And my weakness was being replaced with a new strength as we travelled along. Then the sun began to dip down in the west at our backs. And the shore line appeared to curve more towards the north. Then they turned away into dunes laced with spiky plants. They knew the path, and walked with purpose as the light began to fade.
Soon we were at a small glade surrounded by bushes. The wind was not blowing here, and the vegetation served to still the air and make it stand more warmly in this place.
Without a word they worked together to set up my dome. Jared had laid me on a bit of banking so that my head was a little higher than my feet.
As the sun set, they took me into the dome. Janey fetched a carrier of sea water and they used it to clean me up. I had not spoken except one whispered word. I could not speak now. I could barely move. In the lantern light the two of them sat and made a concoction of herbs into hot fresh water. Jared lifted me up and Janey held the cup to my lips. It tasted odd, yet somehow sweet. They both were incredibly patient, and even though it took a long time I eventually drank it all. Slowly they laid me down. Jared put me on my right side, so my knees were drawn up. He tended the ankle that had been injured. All I felt was a soothing coolness as he bound the poultice round all that part of my foot. After that, the two of them sat and drank something themselves. Janey leaned into her brother, and he held her and kissed her on the forehead. Even in the lamplight, I could see how painfully thin she was. She had tied her hair back with a strip of blue cloth so it was away from her face. Even as I watched them, and was distracted by the still comfort of this scene, I noticed that her hair had grown down her back. She was worn and tired. The shore of the sea had been the place she had been last of all. I wondered why she had gone there. Perhaps it was to wait for her end. What now? Who was this woman? How could I ever speak to her of all the things I knew and had seen? And what did she do to deserve to be divided against herself? As I wondered all these things my eyes closed, and I slept.
When the night… or perhaps many nights had passed, I awok
e. Janey sat by me with a little piece of cloth in her hand. She seemed to be sewing, bending intently over the piece.
I tried to speak, but nothing came. Jared came back in at that moment. They tended the wounds again. They had begun to heal. No one spoke. At the time it did not seem strange. Even in the recounting of this I understand better now why. When you have died; or thought you were already dead; or thought you had no choice and would not recover; to discover it is not so, made all of us silent and contemplative. Such things these words! They lacked in that time the necessary power to express what each of us had been through.
How long this time lasted, I could not be sure. But a morning arrived when I sat up and felt able to do something for myself. Janey looked at me questioningly.
‘Jared!’ she called through the open tent flap, ‘Please come.’
Jared came in with a handful of plants, and what looked like bit of bark, he grinned at me. ‘Your medicine.’
They set about making another of the powerful mixtures. This one I held myself and sat sipping obediently.
Jared whispered a little something to Janey. She smiled, and carried on with tending the boiling pot for more hot water. There was a beautiful harmony between them that had risen out of some place once hidden or eclipsed from view. The only worry in the back of my mind was the other Janey. Surely we must return soon.
The next day the two of them packed the tent and all the compact equipment away. Jared carried my pack this time.
‘We will walk only as far as you are able. Then we will stop.’ Jared told me. Janey offered me her arm, and we walked thus, with Jared leading us.
