by Claire Adams
“Not really. The bar I used to play music at was one of her favorite places. It’s called “Sequoia Club.” You might want to call there and see if anyone has seen her.”
“Okay, I’ll try that. Hey Tyler…”
“Yeah?”
“Was she using drugs, when she was with you?”
“No. She went to that rehab over in Whittier. She was clean after that as far as I knew…at least six months,” he said.
That was what she had told me. She had been clean for over half a year. This was just a slip-up, not even enough to be classified as a relapse. We could get her back on the right track again.
“Thank you, Tyler.”
“Sure.” He hung up. Whatever my mother had done to him, she’d burnt her bridge. It was obvious in his voice. I couldn’t hold that against him though, I’m her daughter and look at the things she’d done to me. Rationally I know I should walk away. Emotionally, I can’t.
I looked up the number for that bar he told me about and I called it. A woman named Wanda answered. I told her who I was and said, “I’m looking for my mother Lynn. She used to come in with Tyler Grant…a red-haired lady, green eyes…”
“I know Lynn. She ain’t been here in about a week though, honey.”
“Okay, thanks. Wouldn’t you have any idea where else I might look?”
“I really don’t, sweetie. But I have your number on caller ID here. If I see her or hear anything I’ll call you. Is she okay?”
“I’m sure she is,” I lied. In my head I was thinking of all kinds of horrifying scenarios. “Thank you,” I said. I called a couple more motels. They all claimed to not see her. But they were cheap, creepy motels and the type of clientele that frequented it liked to keep a low profile. I was even more frustrated when I hung up. I didn’t want to, but I finally decided I was going to bite the big bullet and call Justin. If someone was selling her drugs, I was pretty sure it was him. I’d rather pull out my own molars with a pair of rusty pliers than talk to him, but I had to find her. I was pacing the floor as I made my phone calls and as I was about to punch in Justin’s number I walked past the window. There was a police car out in front. Shit! I put the phone down and trying not to stand right in the window where he could see me I took another look. There was a man in it…a big man. It was Mitch, I was sure of it. Fuck! What does he want from me now?
While I was pondering that, Mitch was apparently getting out of the car and coming up to my door. I heard him knocking. I should have been afraid, but I wasn’t. I was too pissed at the world. Mom for disappearing and making me worry…Paul for…a lot of things…and Mitch for just basically being an asshole.
I pulled the door open and said, “What?” Then, without giving him a chance to answer I said, “I don’t have time for your shit today. I don’t know when the hell you ever have time for real police work. You’re always so busy stalking people you big freak! Leave me alone. I have my own problems.”
Mitch just stood there and looked at me while I ranted and when I finally took a breath he said, “Can I come in?”
“No! Jeez! You’re a lunatic! Go away!”
“Jessie, it’s about your mother. Do you want me to discuss it out here where just anyone can hear?”
Oh shit! Son of a bitch! I stepped back from the door and let him in. I didn’t really have a choice, as was becoming the norm lately. Once he was in I closed the door and said, “What do you know about my mother?” Mitch was looking at the artwork on my walls with an amused expression on his face. I really wasn’t in the mood. “Hey! What do you know about my mother?” I repeated it, this time annunciating each syllable.
“She’s down at the station,” he said, still in that calm voice with that dead-eyed expression. What Marie ever saw in him was completely beyond me. “Nice art on the walls by the way.”
“She’s where? Why is she at the station? The police station?”
Mitch chuckled and said, “No, I just came by to let you know she was at the gas station.”
“Cut the crap Mitch! What have you done to my mother?”
“I didn’t do anything to her. Your mother was picked up for buying drugs from an undercover cop. I’m here as a concerned friend….”
“Friend? Are you freaking kidding me? We are so far from friends that we may as well be on separate continents. You are not now and will never be my friend. Get that straight.” I grabbed my purse and keys and now wearing an amused expression as if my tirade was funny he said, “Are you leaving?”
“I’m going to get my mother. Excuse me.” He was standing between me and the door. I was an idiot for ever letting him back in here.
“You can’t just “go get her,” Jessie. That’s not how this works.” I was afraid I already knew how this was going to work, but again, I had to ask.
Dropping my purse and slumping down in a chair because my legs were shaking so badly they would hardly hold me up, I said, “Tell me, Mitch. How does this work?”
He sat down on my couch and seemed to be making himself comfortable as he said, “I can bring mom home…without a single blemish on her pristine record….”
“Like you did for Marie way back when? Then you can have her arrested for a “failure to appear” and use all of this to blackmail us again someday?”
“You are misinformed. I did what I could to help Marie way back then because I knew she came from a bad place. I didn’t mean to fall in love with her, but I did. I didn’t mean to make a baby, but I did. I would have never used any of that against her if she had given me any other choice. She stole my son, Jessie. Tell me you don’t think I have a right to be just a little bit pissed off.”
“But why fuck with me, and my mother? This is between you and Marie and Paul. Why do you want to keep dragging me into it?”
“Because as long as I’ve known that little shit Paul he has hated me. He’s done everything he can to keep me first from Marie and now from Victor. He thinks he’s such a tough guy and I know that he’s just arrogant enough to have confided in the girl he’s tapping.”
“You’re disgusting,” I said.
“Oh forgive me…the girl he’s “making love” to,” he said with another lewd laugh. “Whatever. The point is that I know that you know where he and his sister are keeping my boy. All I need from you is an address and as soon as I find out you’re not lying to me, your mother walks out, Scott free.”
“I don’t know how you look at yourself in the mirror,” I said. What the hell was I supposed to do? This was my entire fault. I promised myself after Justin that I wasn’t going to do this again…falls for with a guy who is battling one demon after the other. This is just what I deserve for not running away the second that he told me about his sister, or at the very least, the second Mitch showed up. I couldn’t trade my own mother’s safety for Marie and Victors. Damn it! What the hell was I going to do?
PULSE #4
CHAPTER ONE
I was looking up into the eyes of a monster. I honestly thought he stood too close on purpose...that way I had to tip my head back to look at him. Mitch was a wild card. I don’t think he even knew what he was going to do next. He wanted me to trade my mother’s safety for Paul’s whereabouts. In a shaky voice I finally said, “Look, I can’t make that kind of decision in a split second. You’re going to have to give me more time. It doesn’t matter which one of your choices I pick, someone gets hurt.”
“Sure, yeah…I’m as stupid as I look,” he said, sarcastically. I wished that was true because he did look plenty stupid. “I know the second I walk out of here you’re on the phone to that fucker Paul and by the time you “decide” what to do; he’ll move Marie and my kid. Your mother is in jail as we speak. I had them put her out in the general population too. Have you ever been to the L.A. County Jail? It’s not a pretty place. Them girls in there…they’re the ones that every body’s mama warned ‘em about. They’ll be all over your pretty little mama in a heartbeat.” He smiled as he told me my mother was sitting in that over
crowded jail with the dredges of society who wouldn’t think twice about doing her harm. This guy is the furthest thing from what a police officer should be. I wondered how the people he worked for and with couldn’t see it. I was scared to death for Marie and Victor…and even Paul. No telling what this creep would do to him. But how could I trade their safety for my mother’s? That was a no-brainer, I couldn’t and Paul may never forgive me…but family has to come first when you’re backed into a wall. I hoped that Paul of all people would understand that. It was the way he lived his life, after all.
“There’s an old abandoned gym where Paul’s Sensei used to train…” I finally told him. “It’s over on the East Side…” I was on the verge of tears and the words were barely making sense. Mitch understood them though…perfectly. He knew a lot about Paul…too much for his and his family’s safety.
“Son of a bitch! Why didn’t I think of that? It’s perfect. I have to give it to your boyfriend, he’s a punk, but he’s no dummy. I know exactly where that old place it. Nice hide-out…not nice enough though.” Mitch winked at me then and said, “Don’t cry little girl, you did the right thing. Mitchie will make it all better.” I was suddenly nauseous. This guy was nuts.
I was shaking all over as I saw him race out the door towards his car. Whatever he did when he got there and whatever happened afterwards was going to be my fault. He didn’t mention getting my mother out of jail. Did I just sign all of their death warrants? The bile hit the back of my throat and I ran into the kitchen and dry heaved into the sink. Then I picked up my phone with a shaky hand and called Paul.
He picked up on the first ring. “Jessie! I’m glad you called. I’m sorry about…”
“Paul, listen…I have to tell you something, it’s important…”
“What’s wrong? Is your mom okay? Did you find her?”
“Mitch was just here.”
“That son of a bitch! I’m sorry, Jessie. Did he hurt you? I’ll kill the bastard!”
“No Paul, listen,” God, this was hard. “He’s on his way to the old gym where you guys are now. You have to go and get Marie and Victor out of there. He’s spun out…he’s crazy…”
The hurt I heard I heard in his voice nearly killed me as he said, “You told him where we are? Are you insane, Jessie? Do you know what he’ll do to my sister and my nephew if he finds us? Have you not been listening or did you just not believe me the fifty or so times that I told you?”
“No, Paul listen to me please…” I was suddenly talking to dead air and choking on my own tears. He hung up on me, not knowing why I would tell Mitch where they were. I needed him to know that I didn’t think I had a choice. I know he cares for me, but I doubt if he’d been faced with the same one he would have chosen me over his family. I started to call him back, but I doubted that he would even answer now. No, I knew that he wouldn’t. It would be a waste of effort. I just felt so bad. I was sick again. I couldn’t stop heaving and I was shaking all over. As I was leaning over the sink again, my phone began ringing. I looked over at it and saw that it said, “L.A. County Jail.” Was it Mom calling, or was it someone calling to tell me something happened to her? I didn’t want to answer it. Picking it up in a shaky hand, not knowing whether or not I could actually take another piece of bad news I said, “Hello.”
“Jessie, it’s mom.”
With a sense of relief at the sound of her voice I said, “Mom! Are you okay?”
“I’m okay honey. I’m so sorry…” she was crying.
“Don’t cry, Mom. We’ll figure this out together, okay? Have you been arraigned?”
“No. Jessie you sound terrible. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. “I’ve just been really worried about you. What are they charging you with? Have they set bail?”
“No. They didn’t even book me in. They’ve had me in a holding cell this whole time. They just came in and unlocked it said I’m free to go.”
Feeling a small wave of relief wash over me, but anger at the lying son of a bitch who made me believe she was out in general population, I said, “Okay Mom. Do not leave there, okay? Stay right where you are. I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there.”
“Okay baby, I’ll be here too. Jessie…I’m so sorry…”
“I know Mom, I’ll be there soon.” I hung up and after washing my face and brushing the bile out of my teeth, I grabbed my keys and headed downtown to the jail. I had been there before…more than once. Between Justin and my Mom, I was an old hand at the visiting and release process. I went broke my first year in school bailing them both out.
On the way there today I couldn’t help but wonder if I should talk to someone about Mitch while I was there. Paul and Marie couldn’t spend the rest of their life hiding. He had also become a menace to me and my own family. The man literally terrified me and I wasn’t all that easily scared. I had to wonder though how Paul would feel about me doing something like that. He has said before that because Mitch was a cop, going to them would only make matters worse. What if he was right about that? I hated doubting that law enforcement was there to protect me, but I had seen Mitch’s ugly up close. What if there were more like him? At least Paul and Marie and Victor would be gone again where Mitch couldn’t find them soon…I hoped. The problem was, I didn’t have that luxury. I couldn’t just pick up and leave my home and my job. I had some savings, but not enough to live off of long term. If Mitch got to the old gym tonight and he doesn’t find Paul and Marie and Victor…he’s not going to leave me and my mother alone. I knew that as well as I knew my own name. This guy wasn’t giving up. I could see that in his eyes earlier. I wondered how far he was willing to go. Were our lives in danger?
I pulled into the crowded parking lot in front of the jail with all of that on my mind. When I made it up to the front steps I saw Mom waiting outside by the door. I think she was sharing a cigarette with some other lady who had just been kicked. I didn’t care at that point. I was just glad to see her in one piece. She was watching my face as I came up the stairs, looking like she was trying to gauge just how angry I was at her before she finally came towards me. She stopped about a foot away and waited for me to speak first.
I saw her relax a little as I said, “Are you alright, Mom?” She looked like a mess. Her pretty silky hair was a tangled mess and her make-up long gone. She had dark circles underneath her eyes.
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m glad to be out of there. I hate this, all of it. I’m really sorry.” As usual, her eyes were filled with tears. I didn’t have any doubt that she was sorry. I knew she didn’t want to live her life like this…but she was an addict and she had to get help. I went back and forth so much from being angry to being hurt to being an enabler. I knew that I had to be strong and stop enabling her before she was ever going to get any help. I had to find the strength to tell her I wasn’t going to take part in this drama any longer. Maybe if I’d had the strength to tell Paul that same thing, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Tough love was something I needed to study up on. I sucked at it.
“I know you’re sorry Mom,” I told her in a sympathetic voice. I didn’t want to upset her here in front of all of these people. “Let’s go home and talk about this, okay. I don’t want to have this conversation on the steps of the jail.” Mom nodded. I noticed for the first time how many fine lines had begun to find their way onto her pretty face. I knew she wasn’t thirty anymore, but I just hadn’t realized how much she’d aged lately. I was sure some of it was hard-living and that just stoked my resolve to insist that she had to make some changes. She was a forty-something year old lady. She had to grow up sometime.
We drove home mostly in silence. When we got there, I found myself checking the parking lot for strange vehicles…or Mitch. Then when we got up to the apartment, I made sure the door didn’t look like it had been tampered with. I knew it hadn’t even been long enough for Mitch to drive out to where the gym was and realize they weren’t still there and drive back, but this whole mess was making me
paranoid.
Once we were inside and I made sure all was well in the apartment I said, “Okay Mom, tell me what happened.”
We sat down in the living room and she wouldn’t look at me. She was staring at a spot on the floor as she said, “I went to that meeting you took me to. I talked and I told them that I was an addict and I was a mother, and my addiction had always come first.” She had tears rolling down her cheeks. I knew she’s been thinking about all of this. She needed to get it out, so I listened, quietly. “I told them everything…the truth. I told them what a good girl you are and what a horrible mother I’ve been. I told them how you had to get yourself ready for school most days because I was either high, or asleep or not even there…and how you never missed a day. I told them about how proud I was at your high school graduation when you were valedictorian…right up to the point where I had to admit I had no right to be proud. I hadn’t done anything to get you there. You did that all on your own. I pushed you into a relationship with a dealer. I told them that too.” She paused and I said, “Mom, do you need some water or something?”
She shook her head. “You always want to take care of me,” she said. “I don’t deserve it. I may as well have prostituted you, Jessie. What kind of mother does that? I’m despicable.”
“No mom, stop that. You never “prostituted” me in any way. I met Justin, I was attracted to him and I thought I could fix him. You weren’t even there when I made that decision. I was naïve then, thank God, people grow up.” She looked like that was a personal slam to her. Maybe it was. Some things, she needed to hear. I went on to say, “I have to admit that the fact you were so happy when you found out what he did for a living thoroughly disgusted me…but you can’t take all the blame and I don’t give it to you, not for that.”
“There’s a lot that I need to take the blame for, I know that. I know it every day. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I have over twenty years of time to make up to you. I wish there was any way I could…I’m so ashamed of what I’ve become. My life is such a mess and because of that, so is yours.”
