He looked so hopeful! Hanging off her every word like a puppy waiting for her to throw a stick to fetch. “So you did care about me?” he asked, his feet shuffling closer along the tiled floor. “I knew I felt something that day you ran away with me to Tialore…”
Holding her hand up, Kaori quickly brought him back to silence, shaking her head to deter him from saying anything more. “Please, listen. Since that time I have learned much and come to recognize that you and I are far better for one another as friends. Anything more would complicate things. Possibly even drive us apart. You are a good man, Liurn – but when I am with you, it is like I have acquired… an overprotective brother. Worse than I ever believed Sivar to be.”
“No. I cannot accept that we are nothing more than that. I love you, Kaori.”
She cringed at the words. He said them with such passion. Such conviction! But it was misplaced. She would never feel the same for him. It was better to make that known without doubt. “And I love Therek.”
“Therek is most likely dead.”
Kaori’s eyes went glassy, staring straight ahead at Liurn without really seeing him. Tears welled under her lashes, reminding her of the painful truth Liurn’s statement brought. No matter how much she tried to pretend it wasn’t true, it changed nothing. Therek had been gone longer than any of them anticipated. No letters were received in Namorea which would indicate a change in plan. The lack of correspondence from him and the Namiren men in his company was indicative of failure in their mission. Captivity. Death. She was declaring her love for a man whom she would probably never see again and in turn caused pain to the only other person who had stood by her from the start.
For weeks she’d put on an image of strength and courage but she couldn’t uphold it any longer. Tears spilled over her cheeks, hands covering her face to hide from Liurn’s constant stare, not wanting to look at him anymore. It was too much. Denial could only protect her from the truth for so long but the harsh reality was that Therek was gone. She had missed her chance to know what it was like to experience his love and now all that was left for her was the emptiness which came with the breaking of her heart.
Her knees buckled as a hard sob racked her body, the tears flowing more freely now than they had at first. It was like a flood gate had opened and there was no stopping the salty rivers which poured into the palms of her hands. She would have fallen to the floor had it not been for Liurn’s strong arms reaching out to catch her. His hands slipped around her back, hugging her to him in a tight embrace, fingers weaving through her hair while he whispered softly into her ear. “I’m here, Kaori. It’s going to be alright.”
Lies! Nothing would ever be alright again. Her family was murdered. Her friends were dying. She felt cursed. Everyone who came close to her ended up dead. Maybe it was her fault Therek perished on his journey to Carpaen. Things might have been different if she hadn’t let him get so close. She should have let him leave that morning without asking him to lie with her. That was her mistake. She knew the dangers her request could have yet she made it anyway. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled into the fabric of Liurn’s tunic. It wasn’t intended to be spoken out loud but she didn’t care if anyone heard. The apology was aimed toward a man whose spirit had probably long left this world. With any luck it might still somehow reach him, wherever he was in Sytlea’s abyss.
“There is no reason to be sorry,” Liurn consoled, the gentle pressure of his arms around her tightening their hold. Lost in the depths of her despair, Kaori failed to notice the way she had fallen into his embrace. Had she been thinking clearly she would have been more cautious of getting so close but the pain was too great. It felt good just to have someone there with her. To hold her and let her expel the tears which had threatened since the day Therek first left Namorea. All the fear and regret flooded over her with an intensity she never knew possible until she couldn’t see or feel anything anymore.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d wept in Liurn’s arms before her senses started to return. Slow at first, gradually becoming aware of the way he was holding her. They were too close. His feelings for her were too strong to make their current position in any way appropriate. The way he hugged her was so tender. Enjoying the sensation of her against his chest. With every stroke of his hand over her hair she stiffened more, pulled back to reality with a hard jolt. She needed to keep distance between them. Friend or not, it wasn’t safe to let Liurn be so close.
Before she had a chance to find an excuse to back away, she felt Liurn’s right hand slip out from behind her waist, using the side of his index finger to gently lift her face to his. She stared into his eyes, suddenly afraid of what she saw there. He was moving closer, his lips descending upon hers until she could feel the pressure of them against her skin, pulling her in tight with the hand still positioned around her hips. Uncertainty held her in place, not knowing what the appropriate reaction would be. She didn’t desire this closeness yet she wasn’t repulsed enough by him to lash out violently. It would have to be handled delicately in order to avoid causing more damage to their friendship than she’d already done by letting her guard down.
It was odd how different his kiss felt from Therek’s. There were no sparks. No reciprocated passion. The emotion with Liurn was one-sided. Empty. She could tell he sensed it as well by the way his right hand slipped back behind her waist to draw her closer, desperate to feel the pressure of the gesture returned in her embrace. Her hand was already pressed against his chest to push him away when the sound of someone clearing their throat cut through the area unexpectedly, drawing Kaori’s attention to the arrival of someone else to the room who had unwittingly become witness to the exchange. Afraid of who it might be she turned her face toward the door, gasping in shock and horror to find herself staring into the familiar azure glow of Therek’s eyes standing next to Ramis and Pehrona in the entranceway. This has to be a dream. Some terrible nightmare she drifted into while hypnotized by the flames in the fireplace. The gods wouldn’t be so cruel as to do this to her. Not after everything she already suffered.
She heard Liurn’s voice speak Therek’s name before stepping away from her, his head lowered to reveal a similar discomfort to that which Kaori felt in being discovered by their friends. She needed to explain the situation. They couldn’t be allowed to think the display was anything more than a misunderstanding.
“I am sorry to interrupt, Lady Levadis,” Ramis’s voice rang through Kaori’s ears, preventing her from saying the words which lingered, unspoken upon her tongue. “We would not have intruded, but the arrival of Lord Losuva prompted a desire from the others to begin our meeting early. Your presence is required in the main hall.”
Oh, how she must look to everyone! Tears remained dried on the skin of her cheeks, moisture built up over her lashes, eyes red-rimmed and swollen. She prayed the misery in the silver light of her gaze would be enough to let Therek know that she had taken no enjoyment in the act he walked in on. Stupid! How could she have let this happen? Why didn’t you just push Liurn away when you saw what he was trying to do?
The tension in the room was almost palpable, everyone’s eyes darting in every direction to avoid making contact with anyone. Kaori was the only one who seemed desperate enough to keep her eyes up, staring at Therek to try and read what was going through his head. His initial surprise had quickly been replaced by an emotionless expression which remained permanently frozen upon his features, absently observing the fire which burned brightly under the mantelshelf. “We should not keep the others waiting. I will let the others know the Queen is on her way.”
In a flourish Therek turned away, moving with long strides to carry himself quickly out of the room. Mortified, Kaori stared toward the door, her feet moving to run after Therek without conscious thought of what she was doing. She wasn’t entirely sure what she would say if she managed to catch up to him before he reached the others. What did a woman say in a situation like this? Her mother failed to cover the topic in her lessons. That’s
because a proper lady would never have allowed such a thing to happen.
“Milady, if you would humor me a moment,” Ramis’s voice broke into Kaori’s scattered thoughts, pulling her from her reverie to remind her of the predicament she was in. The others were still there. Would this humiliation ever end?
“Humor you?” she asked, filled with confusion at the statement. “I do not have time for games, Your Grace. I must speak with Therek.”
With a sharp flick of his wrist Ramis motioned toward Liurn, the gesture quick and precise, directing him away from Kaori. “Lord Torust, Lady Tiasi. Will you excuse us, please?”
Kaori’s heart fell to realize he wasn’t going to let her out of the room without argument. By now Therek would be beyond her grasp. It was pointless to fight with Ramis when it would accomplish nothing in the end other than adding to her shame. Pausing mid-step she stared at the door in front of her, wishing with all her heart that she was anywhere but there.
Pehrona was the first to heed Ramis’s request, her slippered feet barely making a noise as she hurried through the door into the hall with nothing more than a sympathetic glance over her shoulder. Kaori couldn’t blame her for wanting to get away. If she could have run down the hall at her friend’s side, she would have gladly done so to escape this place. At no point since her arrival to this country had she wanted so badly to leave and never look back as she did in that moment. But leaving wasn’t an option. She had made her mistake. Now she had to deal with the repercussions which came along with it.
It took longer for Liurn to reach the door, his steps slower. More hesitant. He didn’t want to leave. Kaori could tell by the way he dragged his feet that he wanted to stay and hear what Ramis intended to say. But Ramis would never speak with him there and Liurn knew it. After the display at the Namiren palace, Ramis preferred not to entertain Liurn’s company. He certainly wasn’t about to change his opinion now. “Sometime today, Torust. You are trying my patience.”
On his way past Kaori, Liurn reached his hand toward her in attempts to give some form of a farewell. The last thing she wanted was for him to touch her. Not caring how it might hurt her friend she cringed from his outstretched fingers, making it clear that she didn’t want him near her. She’d let him do enough for one day. Now she just wanted him gone.
Standing in silence, Ramis waited for Liurn to disappear through the door before he chose to speak, beckoning Kaori to come closer. “You should freshen up before you let anyone see your face. If I didn’t know better, I would think you were mourning someone’s death.”
“I was,” Kaori sighed. “For so long I have kept my tears locked inside. It is not fair that the moment I allow myself to share the pain with someone, they take advantage of my vulnerability. That is one mistake I will never make again, I assure you.”
“So you did not welcome Lord Torust’s affection?”
“I did not even know it was happening until it was already too late.”
“Should I send for the guards to apprehend him? It is unacceptable for a man, regardless of his friendship, to force himself upon the Queen. I can have the matter handled swiftly and justly.”
“Apprehend him?” Kaori blinked. She was angry with Liurn for forcing his lips upon her without permission, but she would never think to punish him so severely for an act which seemed harmless enough. The gesture may not have been invited but at no point had she been in fear that he would do anything to harm her. “That will not be necessary. It may have been my fault for letting him so close when I knew how he felt about me. I just… once the tears began to fall, my mind ceased to function with enough clarity to know better.”
Brow raised, Ramis took a casual step toward Kaori, looking her over with a scrutinizing eye. “And what was it which first brought you to tears? When I saw you this afternoon, you did not appear melancholy.”
“I was left alone for too long with my thoughts. Leading an entire race is more stressful than it may look.”
“It seems more likely that Lord Torust said something which struck an emotional chord within you. There is no need to be ashamed. We all have weaknesses. It is simply better to know what they are so you can prevent anyone from using them to take advantage of you.”
“Once is enough. I have learned my lesson; of that, you can be sure.”
Satisfied with her response Ramis gave a definitive nod. “Good,” he smiled. “Now then. I suggest you make yourself presentable. This is an important meeting. If all goes well, we will be on a ship to Carpaen within days. Your people need you at your best.”
“Oh, I will be,” she stated matter-of-factly, determined not to let her uncertainty show. Despite her confident exterior, she was afraid. Unsure how she would handle business when Therek and Liurn would both be seated in the same room, their eyes focused on her every move, distracted by their own thoughts about her. At least she could say that would be the case where Liurn was concerned. It was impossible to assume that Therek would ever let his emotions take him over the same way. Even if he did, he would never make it so obvious. That was one of the many traits he possessed which made him a far better candidate for ruling their people than her. If they were truly so close to heading off to war, she would have to make sure his title was properly returned before he turned his back on her forever. “Make sure everyone is assembled and ready. I will not be far behind,” she settled her gaze on Ramis. This would be her final act as Queen of the Vor’shai. For the sake of her pride, she couldn’t let personal issues interfere with her concentration. The decisions she made today would sculpt the foundation of the future for her people. And she wasn’t about to let a man be the reason she went down in history as the most incompetent person to ever call herself royalty.
Patting at her cheeks, Kaori prayed most of the redness in her eyes had faded. Everyone was waiting for her. She had to look calm. Confident. No one could be allowed to see the tumult of thoughts crashing inside her mind. The fear and uncertainty. What was worse was that she held fewer reservations about the details of the war than she did about facing Therek and Liurn. Their triangle left her feeling exposed somehow. Although she believed her feelings toward Liurn had been made quite clear during their conversation, he retained a misplaced hope that he could somehow change her mind. But what if she misread Therek the same way? He once argued against the possibility of their relationship becoming more intimate. It was possible her emotions weren’t returned the way she hoped.
She couldn’t think about that right now. At the moment she needed to focus on the matters which would be of greatest import at the meeting. War. They were preparing to venture back to Carpaen and outright attack Sulel and the Imperial Army. It was treason. The punishment for failure was death, either at the hands of the soldier who bested her in battle or of Deliao himself at a public execution. Either way, she wouldn’t have to live long with the humiliation of defeat. Just long enough to watch the rest of her friends die as well.
Stop it. They had a strong plan in the works. A powerful army on reserve with the Namiren soldiers. Although unlikely, victory wasn’t impossible. Her mind simply had a difficult time accepting that they would be strong enough to take down a military as skilled as the one which guarded Carpaen. Sulel called himself Emperor over the largest country on Myatheira. They boasted the largest population and the highest number of enlisted soldiers compared to any other known civilization. The odds were stacked against the Vor’shai unless Therek and Ramis could work some sort of magic over their new recruits.
Pausing outside the door of the main hall Kaori took in one final breath in preparation for what she was about to undertake. All eyes would be on her. She had to be the perfect image of confidence and grace if she wanted these people to follow her to their possible demise.
Her hand came to rest on the doorknob, twisting it as she gave her hair a defiant flip behind her shoulders, the long strands hanging loose down her back in elegant waves. Ramis had commissioned to have the dress made which Kaori wore now for this
meeting. He always said if she wanted people to treat her like a queen, she had to make herself look like one. And look like one she did. The seamstress used only the finest silk to fashion the crimson gown which clung perfectly to every curve of her body, showing off the slender shape of her lithe figure. Yards of fabric created the elegant folds of the skirt which billowed out around her in a bell-like design, tiny diamonds glittering from where they had been expertly stitched throughout to give a radiant flair to the garment, fitting for royalty. A matching belt of gemstones hung gracefully from around her waist, catching the light of the sconces on the wall with a brilliant sheen. It accented her hips, helping to draw attention away from the few scars which remained visible along her collarbone. Only so much fabric could be utilized to hide the marks, the sleeves long and concealing, though the neckline had been left low to sweep across her chest in a dainty sweetheart cut, lined by several more diamonds to add symmetry to the rest of the gown. It was unfortunate that she didn’t feel as beautiful as the garment was intended to make her look. But it would have to do. There was nothing more to be done to aid her confidence.
Upon her entrance she could hear the sound of chairs scraping along the floor as the men and women rose to their feet in respectful greeting. She could hear Ramis’s voice call out an announcement of her arrival from somewhere in the room, her heart skipping nervously to hear him speak her name with the authority which he utilized.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please bow to Her Majesty, Queen Kaori Levadis.”
Scanning the room with her eyes, she took that moment to search for the faces of the men she had been dreading to see since parting ways earlier. It didn’t take long to recognize them in the crowd, Therek’s grace and confidence catching her attention before taking note of Liurn’s more hesitant form leaning forward in an awkward bow a few chairs away. Therek was the last to heed Ramis’s request, his eyes lingering on Kaori with their stern, calculating gaze even as he bent at the waist to follow the others in their display. If she had been a true Queen, she might have been offended by his actions. Instead, she felt an overwhelming guilt to see him bow to her at all. He was the true Emperor and King. It didn’t feel right to make him bow to anyone.
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 73
