Despite the uncertain look in his eye, Therek was correct about the importance of placing the finishing touches on the political details as quickly as possible. Yet there was something about his choice of words which didn’t quite settle in her mind. The new Empire. His reference wasn’t entirely accurate anymore. If anyone was going to accept the changes this war brought upon their land, they would have to stop pretending that the Empire remained intact. “I must ask that you not refer to our land as an extension of the former Carpaen. While you are correct that we must work out the details in a timely manner, our people will never adjust to the idea that we are a separate and free entity if we continue to associate our new government with the old.”
“I suppose you are right,” Therek nodded, his eyes remaining downcast to avoid meeting Kaori’s gaze. “The connection is habit. I will do my best to avoid making such mistakes in the future.”
Tension settled over them again, Kaori’s heart pounding hard against her chest, desperately searching her mind for something – anything she could speak of which might distract them from the unease they both felt at being in one another’s private company again. Since the night they spent together in Avesian, there had been little time to discuss the gravity of their actions. What felt so right at the time now left them distant, confused, questioning their decisions which led them to this point. If only Therek knew… “There is another matter I was hoping to speak with you on,” she said suddenly, lifting her head to try and catch Therek’s eye. The words tumbled forth, her stomach churning, mind racing, fighting with herself over whether she should tell him the truth of her ailment.
Almost hopeful in his gaze Therek’s chin raised, staring at Kaori with barely masked eagerness at what she intended to say. “And what might that matter be?”
Everything she longed to tell him hung precariously on the tip of her tongue, her heart yearning to let the truth be known. The suspense was killing her. Slowly driving her mad. Telling him of the child was the right thing to do but the fear of somehow hurting Therek with the news forced her to choke back the words before they could take shape. Now wasn’t the time. She would have to wait for a more opportune moment. Until then, she would have to think of something else to say, and quickly. “Siundel,” she nibbled her lip thoughtfully. It was a strange start to a conversation, but it was the first thing which came to mind. She wanted to speak with him about the city. Now seemed a perfect time while already on the subject of names.
“Siundel?” He looked disappointed by her response. Doleful as he let his eyes gradually meet Kaori’s gaze, peering at her in confusion. “Is there something wrong with the city?”
“Not wrong, no,” Kaori squeezed Therek’s hand where it remained clasped with hers. She loathed forcing the conversation back to business when there were so many other things about which she would rather speak. But this matter was of significant weight upon her mind. If she couldn’t ease her burden by professing her undying love, she could at least present him with the other matter which had remained at the forefront of her thoughts since the day she watched her brother’s life stolen so brutally at Deliao’s command. “Your family has owned the land in Avishul for generations, therefore it only seems right that I ask your consent before I do anything that would drastically alter that which is rightfully yours.”
“Carpaen is yours without exception, Kaori. You need not seek permission from anyone.”
“That may be the case where legalities are concerned, but I do not feel right meddling with your property. You may have bestowed the title of Queen upon me, however, that does not change the fact that Avishul is yours and it is only through your generosity that I now call it my home.”
The confusion slowly faded from Therek’s eyes, replaced again by the familiar sadness which had been visible in their depths since he first came to sit by her side. Kaori watched him carefully, heartbroken to see him look so melancholy. She didn’t dare hope that his despondency was due to their inability to be together. Even if he suffered doubts about their arrangement, he wouldn’t speak of them. It was more like him to endure the pain in silence.
Unable to bear the tension, Kaori swallowed hard, allowing her voice to cut through the quiet room. If she didn’t say something, it was likely they would remain in their torturous silence forever. “It is my hope to see the name of the city changed to honor my brother. Our victory would not have been possible without his strength and support. A lesser man would have divulged all the secrets of the rebellion and destroyed us before we had a chance to defend.”
“Like that traitor?”
“Arcell.”
“Yes, that is the one,” Therek’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “I agree, your brother deserves recognition for his bravery. He was a good man. A fine gentleman. It pains me still that I was unable to protect him, much the same as I was unable to protect you.”
“You mustn’t blame yourself, Therek. The past is outside of our control. That is why I prefer to look toward the future.” This was harder than she expected. Obvious that Therek clung to a greater guilt than Kaori realized. He blamed himself for Sivar’s death. For the torture Kaori endured under Deliao’s hand. She feared his conscience may have been the reason he offered his home to her in the first place. It was a great sacrifice. One she never intended him to make. Rothdara could have been rebuilt in time. Perhaps it was a better idea to give orders for her former home to be transformed into the palace of the Vor’shai and leave Avishul in Therek’s control, the way it should have remained from the start. “Forget I said anything,” she averted her gaze, embarrassed to think how selfish she’d been in accepting Therek’s generosity. He gave enough for her family over the years. It was time she learned to stand on her own two feet and stop relying on everyone else to cater to her naivety. “Once the Esai have settled into their new land, I will commission a palace built on the Levadis property in Rothdara. Avishul will be returned to you without alteration. It was wrong of me to ask.”
Therek’s face contorted into a grimace, as if someone had struck him in the stomach. Kaori felt his fingers tighten around her own hand, squeezing it gently, a look of utter despair carved into his gentle features. “Have I said something to offend you? If so, it was not my intent…”
“It is not you, Therek,” she turned her face further away to avoid the desperation in Therek’s gaze. It was killing her inside. Eating away at her until she didn’t think she could bear it anymore. “I never should have accepted your offer to stay here. Avishul is your home. It is best I find a way to make mine elsewhere.”
“I gave up my rights to the Losuva land when I signed the document which named you Queen. It is not my home any longer.”
“Then consider your title of Duke reinstated. The land is yours to do with as you please.”
“What I please?” Therek gasped, exasperated by the sudden turn of the conversation. “I thought I was clear when I offered Siundel to you. That is what I please, Kaori. It was my hope that one day we may share the land as our home, together. Presumptuous of me, I suppose, but when I expressed my love for you, I did not do so merely as a temporary feeling. We may not…” he shook his head, overcome with emotion, struggling to lower his voice to avoid being heard by anyone outside the bedroom door. “It may not be possible for us to marry just yet, but if you are here, it helps ease my heart to know you are safe. I can protect you as your general even if I cannot hold you as your husband.”
His words brought a flicker of hope to Kaori’s heavy heart. It may not be possible for us to marry just yet… “Do you…” she stammered, afraid to ask his intentions in fear of discovering Therek’s statement to have been nothing more than a blunder. “You speak as though you have considered the possibility of me being your wife.”
“Of course I have,” Therek released his hold on her hand, rising to his feet, clearly offended. “What kind of man do you take me for, Kaori? Did you think I expressed my love for you in Avesian for no other reason than to fall into your bed?�
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“No, but there was the matter of your declaring it impossible for us to marry because of your desire to build a society focused on the power of a queen.”
“Yes, a public marriage would be out of the question, but there are ways around that! I simply have not had time to think of how to proceed. Though maybe I was wrong to hope. Perhaps I am nothing more than a fool, the same as I have always been when it comes to women. I see now how low your opinion is of me.”
Kaori’s mouth hung open, speechless. Oh, what an imbecile she was! But she couldn’t take all the blame upon herself. Therek’s hesitance at the idea of marriage left her with no hope of one day standing with him before a priest to exchange their vows of love. He was so adamant. Determined that marriage was the worst possible thing the two of them could do. “You cast insult without consideration of the words you said to me that night,” she replied quietly. Hurt by the affront Therek made toward her character. How could he think her so shallow? After everything they had been through together. He knew her better than anyone, though she was beginning to wonder if he really knew her at all. “You spoke nothing to plant a seed of hope in my heart for us to be together beyond that night. What did you expect me to think?”
“I… I do not know,” he shook his head in misery. “I hoped you would trust that my love for you was strong enough to change my mind.”
Her heart melted at the sincerity in Therek’s voice. She wanted to hold him. To caress away the pain visible upon his face. He desired marriage. It was what she wanted, yet part of her couldn’t quite feel the joy his admission should have brought to her heart. Here he stood, professing his love for her, his hope to have her as his wife, and she remained silent about the truth of her condition. But the gods had opened a perfect opportunity to test the waters. To breach the topic of children and hear Therek’s reaction before she told him anything. “Do you mean it, Therek?” she asked hesitantly. “Is it your intent to marry me?”
“I have dreamt of nothing else since that night in Avesian.”
“But you say this must be done with the utmost of secrecy. How would we… what if decided to have children? The people would have to know.”
“Children must remain out of the question for now,” Therek lowered himself onto the mattress beside Kaori to take her hand in his. She knew his actions were intended to comfort her. But it wasn’t enough to ease the ache which grew in her heart to hear his response. He couldn’t possibly understand the pain he caused with such a simple, seemingly harmless statement. And she wasn’t about to tell him otherwise. His opinion on the matter was clear. She would have to think of something before word of her condition became known to the public, but for now, it was best left unspoken between them.
Filled with dismay, she sank into the soft cushion of the mattress, fighting back tears at the realization that she remained at risk of ruining her chance at happiness with Therek. There were too many variables. Things which stood between them that would make marriage difficult enough without the complication of a child. If only he wasn’t so insistent that they keep their love a secret! Going public was the only way to solve every trouble which caused her grief.
“So is it decided?” Therek asked, leaning forward with a hopeful gaze. “Will you stay in Siundel? I give my full consent to call the city whatever you wish, so long as you remain here with me.”
She wanted to scream. Why did everything have to be so complicated? The look in Therek’s eye made it impossible to deny him, nor did she want to. Being there with him was the closest thing to marriage she could hope for at present. He made it clear that a wedding, private or not, was not in the cards prior to his departure. There was business left undone which required their full attention until the Esai and the humans were self-sufficient in their own lands. The gods only knew how long that would take. Mhina had a strong base for reconstructing a human society but Davian had nothing. It could take months – maybe years to build an army to protect the newly founded kingdom of half-breeds while Davian worked to bestow titles and distribute land. Once Therek finished dedicating his time to everyone else, she could only hope and pray that he would return to Siundel to make her his bride.
“I will stay,” she whispered softly, cringing somewhat to feel the gentle pressure of Therek’s lips press against her forehead in a tender display of affection. His closeness left her uncomfortable. Her unease was sure to catch his attention if he took note of her hastened pulse. Her only relief was in the number of excuses she could claim as the reason for the irregular rhythm. “I was thinking we could call the city Sivaeria. If you approve, I shall pass the information along to the cartographer I hired to design the new map of the… former Empire.”
“That sounds acceptable.” He let his hand slowly brush along the side of Kaori’s face, concern evident in his features as the tip of his finger came to rest over her neck, pressed firmly against the artery to check her pulse. “Do not worry yourself on the details for now. You need to relax. Try to rest. Enslye tells me you have not been getting nearly enough sleep and I can tell by your quickened heart that you remain tense.”
“There is much to be done. If I do not sacrifice a little sleep, our country may never survive.”
“Tanispa has already survived a great deal. A few days of rest would do everyone a bit of good.”
“A few days of rest would cause chaos in these walls.”
“Then I will remain here until your health improves enough that you can return to business. As General, I should be able to handle a few political meetings without ruining anything. You will be consulted before any major decisions, of course.”
Kaori wasn’t sure if she was pleased or horrified at the thought of Therek remaining in the city. The longer he stayed, the greater the risk of him discovering her secret. On the same token, if he left, she would be forced to rise from bed and return to the grueling business she had been immersed in since leaving Eykanua. Such strain on her body placed her and the unborn child in danger. Regardless of her fears in carrying the baby, she had no desire to lose it, and the only way to guarantee its safety was to do as the physician instructed and allow her body to recuperate before returning to her busy schedule. “If you insist,” she forced a smile, hopeful that Therek wouldn’t notice her unease. “Tonight I was to attend a meeting in which we would begin discussions of who should be given rank and title for my new court. There is a list on the desk in your – my study. You will find several names there though I am open to suggestions if there are any others you believe are deserving of lands in Tanispa.”
Thoughtful, Therek stared off into the distance, pondering the question laid before him. He knew more people than Kaori and was more familiar with their behavior and qualifications. Not to mention his experience with so many during the war. Those who had not previously held rank within the Carpaen court had been given a chance to demonstrate their loyalty and strength while training under Therek and Ramis. That alone made him a far better judge than her. “A few names come to mind,” he gave a definitive nod, his usual confidence slowly starting to return. “I will look over your list before the meeting. Do not worry, Kaori. Everything will be taken care of. Just promise you will rest and regain your strength so I do not have to worry about you when I go away.”
“I will try,” she smiled. Bringing her hand up, she let the palm rest against the side of Therek’s face, holding it there to keep him from moving away. There was something about the way he looked at her which made her feel as if everything was going to be alright. Life had been out of control since the day they met, yet the gods saw fit to constantly bring her back to him no matter how hard she tried to stay away. It was a sign, much like so many others she had come to see over the past months. She couldn’t believe it mere coincidence that she and Therek found themselves in each other’s arms in Avesian, nor could she pass off the conception of their child as nothing more than happenstance. The gods would find a way to make everything right. Whatever was meant to be would be, and nothi
ng she did would change the path the gods laid out before her. “Thank you, Therek,” she lightly caressed the side of his face, receiving a loving smile in return which brought a warmth to her heart she hadn’t felt in a long time.
“You do not have to thank me,” he brought his hand up to gently clasp hers at his cheek, lowering it from his face to kiss her fingers. “Now, try to get some sleep. I should not risk staying in your private chambers any longer than I already have. If we are not careful, people will start to talk.”
“People talk, Therek. No matter how careful we are, it is inevitable they will suspect something.”
“Then we should do what we can to prevent it as long as possible. Rest well, Kaori. I will visit again soon, I’m sure.”
Her heart ached to feel the mattress lift as Therek rose to his feet, careful not to move too quickly in fear of jostling her. Gently, he lowered Kaori’s hand onto the bed at her side, attentive to every detail of her comfort, his eyes never leaving her while tugging the blankets up over her chest to make sure she was covered to prevent a chill. She wanted to stop him from going. To call him back and tell him everything which weighed so heavy on her mind, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. He looked happy in that moment. She didn’t want to do anything which might destroy the smile he cast upon her now before he turned toward the door, the sound of his boots along the floorboards echoing through her head. It was best she let him go. Truth rang in his final words, reminding Kaori of the reasons she hesitated to say anything about the child. People were bound to talk eventually. The least she could do for Therek now was to honor his wishes and prevent the rumors as long as possible. It would be easier to handle them in time when Tanispa was better established. As Queen, it was expected of her to provide an heir. This just wasn’t quite the way she intended the succession to occur. And something told her it wasn’t what Therek had in mind, either.
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 90
