by Terra Deason
He just shook his head, and I shrugged, walking away from him. I threw my hands in the air and let my body move to the music; letting go. I closed my eyes and moved with the bodies around me for once not pretending. Just being me. I cleared my head, refusing to think about anything other than the music and it was nice.
When I could no longer breath, I went back to the bar for another shot and was surprised to find Jensen still standing there. Alone. I figured he would have found someone to entertain him by now.
“You just going to stand there?” I asked, signaling the bartender. “Why don’t you find a pretty little thing to dance with? We’re supposed to be having fun.”
“You looked like you were having fun out there,” He said, ignoring my questions.
“I was,” I smiled and for once it wasn’t forced.
“What can I get you?” The bartender asked, tapping the counter in front of me.
“Tequila,” I said, tossing a bill on the bar. He picked it up and poured my drink, then disappeared down the bar. I took the shot and slammed the glass on the counter.
“Well, I’m headed back out. You coming?” I asked, but he just shook his head again. And again I shrugged and made my way to the dance floor.
As soon as I hit the dance floor, someone pressed against me, moving with my body. I didn’t know who this stranger was, but I leaned against him letting him take the lead. He ground his hips against my bottom and rubbed his hands down my waist and back up. I closed my eyes and just let my body to all the work.
I pulled back to turn around, but when I did the guy was gone. I heard someone shout and the crowd parted. Jensen had the guy on the ground and was hitting him repeatedly in the face. I rushed forward, shouting Jensen’s name. I grabbed his arm just as he was about to land another blow. He wiped his head around to glare at me.
“What the fuck is going on here?” Someone growled behind me. I turned to find the goliath they called a bouncer looming over me. He grabbed my elbow and motioned for Jensen to get up. To my surprise Jensen did without protest. The guy led us to the door and I tried to hide my embarrassment. I couldn’t believe he had just gotten us kicked out of the club. Who does that? “You know better, Jensen. Though I can guess why you did it.”
The guy looked me over as he led us to the exit. I jerked my arm out of his hold and crossed my arms across my chest. I stomped out of the club and into the parking lot. When we were almost to the car, I swirled on Jensen.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I screamed in face.
“Oh, come on, Freya! That was practically fucking you right there on the dance floor.” He yelled right back.
I gaped at him, then recovered. “What do you care?!”
“You still have a boyfriend, remember? If I let that go on any longer you might have been leaving with him.”
I threw my hands in the arm in anger. “What the fuck ever. What does it matter anyway? I already cheated on him. God knows I don't even like him. What does it matter if I have a little fun?” Something crossed his face and I understood. “This has nothing to do with me having a boyfriend. It matters because you don’t want me to be with him. Basically you don’t want me, but you don't want anyone else too either.”
“That’s… Damn it, Freya. That’s not it at all.” He denied it, but I knew it was the truth. It had been written all over his face.
“That’s so messed up, Jensen. It’s like you want me to be miserable. Because that’s what I am. I am miserable. I’m trying so fucking hard every day to let this go, but still hold on to being your best friend. But you are the one that’s not letting it go. You have to chose, Jensen. You have to decide if I worth it or not. You said you couldn’t do it again and if you are sticking to that, then you have to let me go. I can’t do this anymore. I want you so much it hurts. So please, decide.” Tears clouded my vision and I rubbed at my eyes trying to wipe away any rogue tears.
“Freya.” He stepped towards me, reaching for me, but I could see he wouldn’t decide and I knew that if he did, it would not be me.
I turned my back on him and headed to the car. “Just take me home, Jensen.”
As soon as we were at the apartment, I rushed inside and locked myself in my room. I didn’t want to see Jensen or talk to him. Instead, I took the time to make a new plan. A plan that would only get me through the weekend.
I was going to spend the weekend with my parents.
I grabbed my laptop and booked me an early flight to St. Louis for the next morning, making sure I had enough time to go meet up with Alex and set things straight with him. It was now or never and it had to be done. I just hoped he would understand.
The next thing I did was text Mack and explain that I would be taking the next few days off. I explained that I needed some time away to take care of myself and that I was sorry for such as short noticed, and that it was so late. He replied pretty quickly. Letting me know he understood and to have a good time.
Lastly, I was going to get lost in a book for a while. I had been locked away long enough for Jensen to have gone to bed by now, so I risked a trip to the living room to get my book of the coffee table. I grabbed my book and when I turned around I almost jumped out of my skin.
“Jesus!” I shrieked, clutching my book to my chest.
“I believe we’ve been through this once before, luv. I’m Jensen. Though I can understand how the long hair and beard can confuse you.”
He smirked at me, but just I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Ha. Ha.” I went to step passed him, but he moved in front of me, blocking my way.
“Just a moment, luv. I want to apologize for my behavior tonight. It was uncalled for.”
I was so taken by surprise that I didn’t take the time to consider my response.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“You say that so much that I don’t think it’s a word anymore.”
I rolled my eyes and moved around him. This time he let me. I was halfway down the hall when he called for me.
“Freya?”
I turned to him. “Yea?”
“Look at me,” he murmured.
I couldn’t hide my confused look. “I am looking at you.”
“No, you’re not,” he said his voice pained. “You haven’t looked at me in weeks.”
“That’s not true.” And it wasn’t true. I looked at him more than I would like to admit. Granted, it was mostly when I knew he wasn’t looking.
“Your eyes might be on me, but you’re looking right through me. You promised that things would be the same. You said that we could go back to the way things were.”
“Well, it turns out that was easier said than done,” I laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “It’s easier for me this way.”
“How is it easier?”
“Because if I pretend that I don’t care, then maybe I won’t. It’s easier than holding on to the fact that you don't want me because of some girl that messed you up. It’s easier than thinking about how you held onto that pain rather than trust me.”
“Freya,” he mumbled.
“I’m pretty tired. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Yeah, okay.”
I turned on my heel and walked into my bedroom, closing the door. I in a took a deep breath, wiping away the tears that had spilled over. Tossing my book onto my bedside table, I crawled into bed. There was no way that book would hold my attention now. I just hoped that sleep would come quick.
Twenty-Three
My stomach was in knots as I was getting ready for the day. I could hear Jensen up and moving around in the kitchen probably making breakfast for us, but I wasn’t sure if I could stomach anything today. I had sent Alex a message as soon as I was up, asking if he could meet me at the park. His response was pretty quick.
The smell of bacon wafted in my room and I had to press a hand to my stomach as it rolled. Food was definitely out.
“Frey! Food’s ready!” Jensen called.
With one l
ast look in the mirror, I made my way to the kitchen. A smile lit Jensen’s face as I rounded the corner.
I took a deep breath and words rushed out of me. “No food for me. I have a few errands to run and I’m already running late. I’m sorry, but thank you.”
“Oh,” he said, his shoulders sagging.
I had decided against telling Jensen about me leaving. Something told me it wouldn’t go over well, and I was afraid that he would ask me to stay. Or worse, he wouldn’t. It was a conversation I was determined to avoid. I was, however, planning on telling Saw and I needed to beat her out the door or she would be over here before I could stop her.
I grabbed my bag off the back of the bar stool and hurried to the door, tossing a ‘see you later’ over my shoulder before I closed the door behind me. Saw’s door swung open and she stepped out, raising her eyebrows when she spotted me.
“Where you headed? I was just coming to visit.” Before she could close her door, I ushered her back into her apartment. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
I shut her door, then turned to face her. “No. I’m not okay, but I think you knew that. My life has gone completely sideways and I can’t figure out which way is up anymore.”
“Freya,” she said, reaching out to take my hand. “I want to help you; I just don’t think there is anything that I can do.”
“There isn’t, and that’s okay, but I’m going to go stay with my parents for a few days. See if maybe getting away from all of this will help.”
“You’re leaving?”
“It’s only for a few days.”
She stared at me for a moment, then let out a breath. “I can’t say that I blame you.” She leaned in wrapping her arms around my waist. “Does this include getting away from me?”
“Of course not,” I chuckled, giving her a squeeze.
“Do you think maybe I could come with you?” She pulled back to look at me and I could tell that she was serious.
“I would love that!” I shrieked. “Do you think Mack would be okay without the both of us?” She patted me on the shoulder and pulled her phone from her pocket.
“You let me worry about that,” she winked.
“Thanks, Saw.” I headed for the door, then turned back to her. “I gotta get going. I’m late meeting Alex this morning. It’s time to finally cut him loose.”
“Yikes. Good luck, though it’s way overdue.”
I rolled my eyes at her and pulled the door open stepping out.
Alex was waiting for me right inside the park. He was pacing in a circle with his hands in his pockets. When he looked up, he smiled and waved at me. My heart raced as I tried to figure out how best to break up with him. I hadn’t thought this thru.
I took a deep breath and walked over to him. As I got nearer, his smile faded.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, taking my hand.
The concern in his voice made me feel even worse.
I pulled my hand from his and shoved my hands in my hoodie pockets. “Will you walk with me?”
“Of course,” he said and we fell into step beside each other.
“There’s something I have to tell you and you’re probably not going to like it.” I peeked over at him and could see him working it out.
“I think I already know.” He shook his head, then pulled me to a stop. “Honey, don’t do it.”
“I’m so sorry. I think it’s turning out to be more for you than it is for me and I can’t do that to either of us. I can’t explain it all right now and I’m sorry for that too. I have a plane to catch, but as soon as I get back I promise we will talk.” Backing away, I turned to head back to my Tahoe.
“It’s because of Jensen, isn’t it?” He called after me and I froze. “I’m not blind nor stupid.”
He had come closer now and I could see the anger in his face. “It… it’s not what you think. I’m sorry I have to go.” I turned on my heel and ran to my Tahoe, not caring that people were staring at the scene we had caused.
Jensen’s car was gone when I arrived back at the apartment and I was relieved. My whole escape plan had been based off the fact that he would be gone when it was time for me to get my stuff and leave. I sent Saw a quick text letting her know that I was back at the apartment and I would meet her at my Tahoe in ten minutes.
Once inside my apartment, I ran to my room and grabbed the bags I had packed. I carried them to the living room and looked around for a moment, making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Just as I was walking out the door, I decided to leave Jensen a note.
I found a piece of paper and pencil and wrote,
Jensen,
I’m sorry it’s such short notice, but I’m going to stay with my parents for a few days. I just need space from everything. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense, but if you want, we can sit down and really talk when I return. If you need anything, call Saw. She will be with me and can give me a message. I hope you understand.
Freya.
I left it sitting on the breakfast bar where I knew he would find it. He was going to be pissed, but I hoped he would at least understand. Maybe this would do the both of us some good. He could use this time to sort out his own crap and like I said, maybe when I get back we could talk.
I hurried from the apartment and ran for the parking lot. Fear of Jensen returning propelled me to move fast. To my relief, Saw was waiting beside my Tahoe, cell phone in hand. Her fingers were flying a warp speed across her screen.
“Are you all set?” I called, pulling open the drivers door.
“Yes ma’am. He was happy to let me go with you.” Her eyes never left her phone as she spoke and after a few more clicks, she shoved her phone into her pocket and climbed into the passenger side.
“Thank you so much for dropping everything and coming with me,” I said, climbing into the car.
“No. Thank you for letting me hitch a ride on your mental breakdown trip.” She smiled up at me and winked. I shoved her arm playfully.
“Bitch,” I laughed.
She just grinned at me before her face sobered. “How did Jensen take it?”
I turned to stare out the windshield, pulling out of the parking lot. “I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean? You told him, right?”
“I left him a note,” I admitted, ashamed.
“Freya! He’s going to lost it when he comes home to find you gone and you only left him a little ol’ letter.”
“Yeah well I’ve never been good at goodbyes. Plus, it’s not like I’m not coming back.” She didn’t respond, but that was okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know how bad of an idea that was.
Once we arrived at the airport, I parked quickly. When we finished going through security, I was leading Saw towards our terminal when she pulled me to a stop.
“I did a thing and I hope you will be okay with it,” she said, sheepishly.
Before I could open my mouth to demand to know what it was I heard a squeal and someone wrapped their arms around me from behind.
“I invited June,” Saw blurted, grinning up at me.
A grinned stretched my lips and I turned to return June’s hug.
“You are friggin’ brilliant, Saw!” I laughed.
“I’m so excited! We get to see your home, meet the folks and mend your heart! This is going to be a fantastic trip!”
“I’m so happy you guys are coming with me!” I pulled out of June’s embrace and turned to look at Saw “You guys are the best.”
My friends grinned at me and happiness swelled inside me. For the first time in my life I had friends. And not just any friends. They were two of the most amazing people I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. My parents were going to be over the moon when they meet them.
As we landed in St. Louis, I let out a sigh of relief. I was almost home and I couldn't wait to surprise my parents in a few hours. I hadn’t told them we were coming, but I knew they would be happy to have us. Even if it was only for a few days.
We had bar
ely made it out of the terminal when signal returned to our phones when mine and Saw’s chimed wildly. I looked to each of my friends before digging through my bag until my hand connected with my phone. Panic welled up inside me as I opened the messages.
“Holy shit! I have over a dozen missed calls and messages from Jensen and Alex.” I exclaimed, looking to Saw.
“Same,” she said, nodding her head looking a lot calmer than I felt.
I thumbed through the messages and noticed that only one had been from Alex and it had been a simple ‘Please call me’. There were just too many from Jensen to sort through now and I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with it yet.
Just as I was shoving my phone back into my bag, Saw’s phone rang.
“It’s Jensen,” she said, looking up at me. “What do you want me to do?” I wasn’t sure what I wanted, so I just shrugged. She answered.
“Jensen.” She pulled the phone from her eat, waiting a moment, then returned it to her ear. “I won’t tell you a damn thing until you can talk in a more civil tone.” She said, rolling her eyes. “You’re forgiven.” She continued to listen for a while before pulling the phone from her ear, looking at me. “How much can I tell him?”
“Everything,” I said quickly. I wasn’t trying to hide things from him.
She spoke quickly, not bothering to be sensitive or beat around the bush. I could see her losing her patience and from what I could tell he kept trying to interrupt her.
“No! She doesn’t want to talk to you. She needs space.” She paused a moment, listening. She clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes again. “Listen, Jensen. You made your choice when she told you how she felt. She’s trying to ignore her feelings and move on because you are her best friend and she wants to hold on to that.” She closed her eyes and took a breath. When she spoke again her voice was softer. “You’re not a bad guy, babe. She’s just doing what is right for her and she’s doing it to cause the least amount of damage to the both of you. There is no blame her, Jensen.”
