by Adam Selzer
Obama takes the oath of office on January 20, 2009. He actually took it twice; Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed it the first time, so it was redone privately later. Oops!
WASHINGTON
ADAMS
JEFFERSON
MADISON
MONROE
QUINCY ADAMS
JACKSON
VAN BUREN
HARRISON
TYLER
POLK
TAYLOR
FILLMORE
PIERCE
BUCHANAN
LINCOLN
JOHNSON
GRANT
HAYES
GARFIELD
ARTHUR
CLEVELAND
HARRISON
CLEVELAND
MCKINLEY
ROOSEVELT
TAFT
WILSON
HARDING
COOLIDGE
HOOVER
ROOSEVELT
TRUMAN
EISENHOWER
KENNEDY
JOHNSON
NIXON
FORD
CARTER
REAGAN
BUSH
CLINTON
BUSH
OBAMA
WELL
ACTUALLY
JUST
MY
MAIN
QUIRKY ACTIVITY:
JUGGLING
VICIOUS BROWN
HYENAS
THEN
PORTRAYING
THE
FIRST
PICNIC
BASKET
LOOTER.
JUGGLING
GORILLAS
HURTS.
GET
ANOTHER
COUPLE
HUNDRED
CHILDREN,
MAN.
REALLY.
THEY
WORK
HARD.
COULDN’T
HAVE
REHEARSED
THE
ELEPHANTS
KIDLESSLY.
JUGGLING’S
NOT
FUN.
CAN’T
REALLY
BEAT
CANADIAN
BULLFIGHTING.
OLÉ!
ASSIGNMENT
Come up with a better mnemonic for remembering all the presidents; some A+ entries may end up on www.smartalecksguide.com!
FINAL EXAM
Note: Under the No Reader Left Behind Act, we have to give you one of these. If you fail, you’ll have to repeat a grade, your teachers will look incompetent, and the Smart Aleck staff will be classified as a failing group of historians and be forced to allow you to transfer to more reputable history books. And to top it all off, everyone will laugh at you.
We will, however, be lenient about the whole #2 pencils thing. Use whatever the heck you want—heck, use a crayon if you feel like it. It’s also an open-book test, and you can use any notes you may have taken. And chew yourself some gum.
ESSAY
What is freedom, exactly?
What was the Civil War about?
Who was the best president and why?
Of all the people who never became president, who would have made the best one? Why?
Compare and contrast William Henry Harrison to a bug.
What would Abraham Lincoln have thought of Star Wars—both the movie series and the missile defense program Ronald Reagan was always trying to fund (see other history books).
Who invented the Franklin stove?
Would America have been better off with a parliamentary system like most other democratic countries have? Why or why not?
Find something we completely left out from each of the following decades and write an essay about it:
1750s (good luck with this one)
1880s
1940s
2000s
Okay. Just give me the pickle and nobody gets hurt.
TRUE OR FALSE
George Washington had wooden teeth.
General MacArthur was a pain in the butt.
The Great Gatsby really was a great guy.
Benjamin Franklin invented the stove.
Thomas Jefferson is on the quarter.
Theodore Roosevelt was only four feet tall.
Andrew Jackson had six fingers on one hand.
LBJ got a real kick out of showing off his privates.
Gouverneur Morris kicked butt.
Franklin Pierce could win in a fight with Millard Fillmore.
RESEARCH
Find out about:
The Hollywood Ten
The New York Nine
The Chicago Seven
The Watergate Seven
The Secret Six
PICTURE QUESTIONS!
Where are these guys going, and what’s that one guy doing on his back?
What year is THIS flag from?
Look at the (ridiculously unrealistic) picture (below) of the Battle of Fort McHenry from the War of 1812, then answer me these questions three:
1. Who’s the guy patriotically ignoring the rules of boat safety?
2. What’s in the bucket?
3. Is that a capotain or a stovepipe that that one guy is wearing?
BONUS QUESTION FOR EXTRA CREDIT
Do you suppose that when the guy in the picture’s descendant wrote about the Great Gatsby staring at the green light on Daisy’s pier and comparing it to “those Dutch sailors” staring at the “fresh green breast of the new world … face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder,” he might have wanted people to draw comparisons to this picture? Why or why not? And while you’re at it, compare and contrast something, just to prove to us once and for all that you can do it.
THE END
So there you have it. History. Now you know it, which puts you head and shoulders above most of the idiots on the street.
Now go out and make more of it. Maybe someday you, too, can be mentioned in a song like “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
But first, just pull Uncle Sam’s finger, okay?
“He’s your uncle, not your dad.”
—Elvis Presley
ILLUSTRATION CREDITS: Every attempt has been made by the author to give proper credit for images, though all are in the public domain. All uncredited images are also in the public domain. Bodleian Library, University of Oxford; Boston Museum of Fine Arts; Boston Public Library; Kai Brinkner; Jason Coyne; Kathleen Cromie; Deedar70; Frederick Ek; Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and Museum; Harper’s Weekly; Jen Hathy; Histroicair; lamvered; Imperial War Museum; Robert Lawson; Library of Congress; Lars-Goren Lindgren; Lyndon Baines Johnson Presidential Library and Museum; Maha; Jose L. Marin; Mwaner; NASA; National Archives; National Museum of American Art; National Park Service; New-York Historical Society; Tom Palumbo; Pepe Robles; Adam Selzer; Ronica Selzer; Simon Speed; State Library and Archives of Florida; Sullynyflhi; Tegiiin; Tone; AJ Truhan; Yale University Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library; Robert Zalas, Titan Visuals.
Copyright © 2009 by Adam Selzer
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Delacorte Press, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Delacorte Press is a registered trademark and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Selzer, Adam.
The smart aleck’s guide to American history / Adam Selzer. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-375-89593-7
1. United States—History—Miscellanea—Juvenile literature.
I. Title.
E178.3.S457 2010
973—dc22
2009003897
Random House Children�
�s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.
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