However, her posture made it clear in no uncertain terms that her clothes were lying. She was not to be touched. Most certainly not by him. Kelsey sat stiff and formal and the few smiles she offered him were much of the same.
Afterward, he trailed them to the bakery and the duck pond, talking to the kids, helping them talk to the baker. He kept the aggressive ducks away, and after the mini-van arrived home he thanked Kelsey profusely, took his daughter, and ran.
He only made it as far as his condo, but it was far enough. He was out of Kelsey’s sphere, and he began to breathe. It was just a simple matter of taking in oxygen, but he hadn’t been able to do it properly since he walked in her front door that morning. He still wasn’t doing what he used to. He wasn’t sure he’d ever really breathe again. At least now he was able to move the air in and out of his lungs and sustain his functions.
Andie was the only thing that relaxed him. She chattered about school and crayons, about Daniel and Allie and how they had eaten green eggs and ham again. For once he was grateful that his daughter could talk from one subject to another, never needing a pause. They watched a little bit of TV that Andie had chosen, but she was constantly pausing the program to add her own two cents. He taught her how to play Parcheesi, and they went two rounds before he shuffled her off to bed.
He read her a story and tucked her in for the first time in a week. He had one more week of touring at the end of the month, then they would play locally a bit more and spend time working on their next move. Of course, the great irony was that he had plenty of time to spend with Kelsey here in a few weeks.
JD pulled the covers under Andie’s chin and kissed her on her forehead.
“Daddy, why are you sad?”
He highly suspected she was stalling, trying to keep him there and talking, but he also felt he couldn’t brush this one off, not if he wanted to encourage her to talk to him in later years. Kelsey had told him that kids don’t hear what we say, but they see what we do. “I lost something wonderful.”
“Can you find it again?” Her head cocked.
“No, baby, it’s gone.” He patted her hand where it curled around the sheet. “That’s why I’m sad.”
Andie smiled. “We can find you a new one.”
“No, there was only one.”
“Oh.” She frowned a bit at him, “I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“Me, too.” He kissed her soft forehead, and turned out the light.
Now with nothing to do, he looked for a way to fight the echo of the words he’d said. Kelsey was irreplaceable.
JD started to ring the doorbell Monday morning. But it was seven thirty, she had to be expecting them. He didn’t remember ringing the doorbell before and he’d be damned if he’d give that up, too.
He pushed the door open, startling Kelsey as she picked up an empty bowl of cereal from in front of Allie and disappeared into the kitchen.
He forced the conversation, hollering out, “Good Morning.”
“We’ll be ready in just a minute.” But she didn’t come back out. Didn’t look him in the eye. Just shuffled her kids around and pulled heavy jackets on each of them.
Kelsey looked tired, like she wasn’t sleeping very well, and JD figured she was just as upset as he was. Only, while she was upset about what had happened, he was upset about what hadn’t. Again, there was nothing to do for it, nothing except pray that things came around, that they could work out something between them and get it back to good.
They dropped all the kids off, including Allie, who was a chattering puffball of leopard print. She grabbed his hand that last block and told him that they’d gotten her adorable coat just the previous week, while he’d been gone, and wasn’t she beautiful? He told her she was, and purposefully bit his tongue to refrain from saying ‘just like your mother’. That would only make things worse. He wondered if Kelsey had dropped Allie off last to have less time alone with him.
He shoved his hands deep in his pockets, to keep them warm, and to stall the itch to hold her hand in his. That wasn’t going to happen again. He’d tried for more and failed. To keep his mind from wandering back to places he couldn’t go again, he spoke, “What are you up to today?”
“I’m meeting the new band. Talking about anything specific that they want. Then we’ll schedule a shoot.”
He nodded, “It sounds like they want to use you again, and they should. What you did for us was phenomenal.”
“Thanks.” But her response was dry and lacked any depth. “That was easier, I know you guys. I know how to get what I needed out of you.”
He shrugged. “I’ll bet you can do it again.”
She didn’t respond and they walked the rest of the way in silence, parting company at the corner with only the most cursory of exchanges. JD climbed the back stairs to his condo while his heart shattered into pieces again. He truly could have sat in the corner and cried all day, but he wouldn’t let himself. There were things to do, things he owed her.
So she found him that afternoon in her garage.
She drove past in the mini-van and must have squealed to a stop, because she almost immediately ran around back to see him. She pulled up cold at the sight, making him wonder what the hell he’d done wrong now. It looked damn good to him.
“What is this?” Her tone was downright frosty.
He didn’t know how to respond. He’d expected excitement, at least a smile. “Your studio.”
She looked the garage up and down. All the remnants of the band had been removed: he’d swept, installed a railing to the ceiling connected around three sides of the garage, and long cloth backdrops hung from rods so they would slide in whichever direction she wanted. He’d bought the variety of colors and textures the supplier recommended. Two umbrella shaped lights with diffusers slid up and down mounted poles to provide light from any angle she wanted. But she didn’t look happy about it.
He couldn’t bear the expression on her face, and he backpedaled. “Look, if you don’t like the ones I chose, you can return them and get what you want.”
“You should return all of it and get your money back.”
He was stunned. “I thought you wanted a studio in here.”
“I do.”
She didn’t elaborate.
So he pushed, “Then what’s the issue?”
“I know what this stuff costs. There are several thousand dollars here.”
“Yes, and . . .” He waited, but not long.
It was like someone had lit her on fire. She would have been magnificent to watch, if it hadn’t all been aimed at him. “I don’t want your money. You don’t owe me anything. I made a horrible mistake, but I made it.” She pressed her fingers to her heart. “You throwing money at it makes it worse.”
It hit like bricks. She felt like a whore, like he was paying her for the other night. And it was his turn to go up in a flash. He’d never been so insulted, and by someone who was supposed to know him better than anyone else. His voice slid out like ice, “This was my plan for my first paycheck from way back when we were signed. It was a god-damned present. A thank-you for everything you did. If you want to trash it or burn it or return it, that’s your prerogative. But if you want to throw it back in my face, that’s too bad. Because my face won’t be here to throw it at. It’s a damned gift.”
The wrench he didn’t realize he’d still been holding slipped from his fingers, hitting the cement floor with a clang to rattle the windows.
He didn’t look at her.
Didn’t care if she was stunned, or mad, or what.
JD simply walked away.
Chapter 33
JD drove to pick up Andie that afternoon, and wondered why the hell he’d been walking in the cold all this time.
He knew, of course. He’d been walking because Kelsey walked. And because he got to walk with her. Rather than drive right back home and have Kelsey know he’d been flat-out avoiding her, he drove Andie to Chuck E. Cheese’s for an early dinner of things that weren’t very heal
thy. But they were healthier than whatever he might make for supper in his little black rage.
His cell phone rang and he answered it even as he plucked off the long chain of tickets he’d won at skeeball and handed them to his daughter, who jumped up and down. “Hello?”
He realized his mistake right away. He hadn’t checked the caller ID. If it was Kelsey, he was pretty sure he’d hang right up.
“Hey,” It was TJ’s voice, and relief rushed through him. “I was just calling to see if you two had managed to patch things up.”
Yeah, that was a big laugh. JD told Andie to go play or trade in her tickets. With an eye on her, he wandered back to their booth, “No. Not at all. I didn’t think it was possible, but now it’s worse.”
“Shit.” The way his brother said it, the word had three syllables. JD thought it was still a few syllables shy of where it would really express the situation. “What happened?”
“I put up a portrait studio in her garage.”
“Yes, I see. You are clearly a very bad person.” Then his tone changed from sarcasm. “How the fuck does that make things worse?”
“She decided I was paying her for the sex the other night. She said that being with me was her mistake, and my throwing money at her only made it worse.”
A woman looked at him with a curled lip and furrowed brows—like he was a monster.
JD was about to tell her where to stuff it, when he realized he’d spoken at a fairly normal volume in the middle of kiddie land about whether or not he’d treated his neighbor like a whore.
“Oh, hell JD.” He could practically see his brother pacing the tiny apartment kitchen. “I have to say I expected you to yell at me for interrupting the two of you having hot monkey sex.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
“I still say it will.” TJ had some sort of belief in this shit. He’d always had it. He’d believed that he would marry his high school girlfriend. Never mind that everyone else could see that one was over before it had started. Or that JD was pretty certain his brother had cheated on the girl. TJ just wasn’t the most reputable source for predictions of everlasting love.
“Well, it won’t. I’m done.”
“JD, you two just need to talk abou—”
JD hung up on his brother.
JD drove Andie to school the following morning, and picked her up the same way. He saw Kelsey walking with her kids, but he didn’t wave or anything. He’d been icy and numb for about forty-eight hours. He figured that was good, he was in for a world of hurt when the cold wore off, and there wouldn’t be much he could do about it. At least this way he could function.
He fixed macaroni and cheese with applesauce for dinner and served it on paper plates with plastic spoons so he wouldn’t have to wash anything. He figured Andie would get her daily allowance of polyvinyl. Then he looked at the calendar and marked a big black X exactly one week out.
On that day he would have to start cooking healthy meals and stop sleepwalking around. But he had until then to refuse to feel anything. He figured he was entitled.
As part of his entitlement he sat on the couch and watched stupid TV, flipping channels each time there was a commercial, and giving Andie cursory help with her tracing-letters homework.
About an hour later a knock came at his back door. JD dragged himself to his feet, mentally shuffling through the possibilities. Alex with Bridget problems, Craig with TJ problems, or TJ come to talk about Kelsey problems. If it was TJ he’d just close the door again.
But it was Kelsey, and she looked scared. “Help me.”
Blood flooded him, the panic was instantaneous, she needed him. He grabbed her arms and looked her in the eyes. “What is it?”
“I fucked up.” She was on the verge of tears, and he wondered who was in the hospital. “I’m sorry. I’ve messed everything up between us.”
He felt the tension seep out—not all the way, but most of it. He didn’t speak.
“I shouldn’t have slept with you. I gave you the wrong idea. And I’m so sorry.”
He waited.
“I know you better than that. I know you wouldn’t try to pay me. I was just so upset.” Fat tears had welled in her eyes and now spilled over onto her cheeks. He wanted to brush them away, but checked the urge. He simply stood there in the open doorway, letting the heat out and the cold in. And waiting.
“I can’t handle not talking to you, JD. I can’t stand this.”
Neither could he really, but she kept going, not letting him talk.
“I lost Andrew because I had no other choice. But I have a choice here, and I’ll do everything in my power to keep you. I love you.”
His breath sucked in, and he stepped toward her. When she said that, he couldn’t have stopped himself from taking her into his embrace if he’d been told the entire world depended on it.
Her voice came to him, this time from the front of his sweater where she’d tucked her face. “I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend.”
Again with the letdown. He didn’t know how many times he could survive getting dropped from a high place.
Kelsey’s arms were wrapped around his waist where she’d snuggled herself into the hug she’d wrangled with that ‘I love you.’ He had been a fool, not anticipating the ‘like a brother’ that came after.
She tipped her head back, to look up at him, but when he finally looked at her face her eyes were squeezed shut. She spoke in frightened tones. “Say something.”
He sighed and hugged her. He did it because she was pressed into his arms, and because he knew he had no chance in hell of successfully pushing her away. He resigned. “We’ll work it out.”
Her sigh was audible, but she didn’t open her eyes. “Thank you. I can’t stand us not talking.”
Neither could he, but he didn’t say so.
This time she looked. “Tell me you and Andie will be over tomorrow morning to walk to school.”
“We’ll be there.” He told himself he was seven kinds of fool.
“I have to go. I left Daniel in charge.” She wiped at her face as she turned to head down the steps.
JD just watched her go, and saw her turn around at the bottom. Her hand rested on the railing, and she looked up at him with big, soft eyes. “And thank you for the studio. Once I realized I was being an idiot, I realized that I love it.”
“You’re welcome.”
Her smile was genuine and wide, if painted with the remnants of tears. Then she wandered off into the night.
Brenda Lyle sipped at the glass of merlot Kelsey had served. JD leaned back in his seat nursing his own glass of beer, glad that he hadn’t said yes to the wine. He could smell the foul stuff in the women’s glasses from where he sat.
Kelsey had invited Brenda and her son over for dinner, and him and Andie, too. The kids were off playing in the back, and Brenda was explaining the label she’d co-founded while Kelsey cleared the table. He’d offered to help, but like she always had lately, she’d refused. And in those jeans he couldn’t say he really minded watching her walk away each time she came back for a different set of dinnerware.
Brenda spoke again, pulling his attention away from Kelsey’s gorgeous ass. Which was probably a good thing.
“We all worked for different big labels, and we realized that no one there was in charge of their own life. Not even the artists. We were all a slave to the label.” She shrugged and took another sip of the merlot. “So we mortgaged our houses, and John Abbott put in his inheritance and we started HeartBeats.”
JD nodded. “That’s why you were willing to take us even though I couldn’t hit the road all the time.”
Brenda nodded. “I wanted to see my kid grow up. It was one of those there-just-had-to-be-a-better-way situations. Speaking of: you guys are on hiatus from touring for a while now. I know you need some time with your little girl. Hailey Watkins stepped up and filled this next week’s roster for you guys.”
JD smiled and relaxed a little. It wou
ld mean that he could help Kelsey out for a while. That would be a nice change. Maybe they’d be around each other enough to sort things out and ease off the rough edges. Right now they were in an uneasy truce.
Brenda spoke again. “Kelsey, I want to talk to you about the Straight Up contract tomorrow.”
JD warmed inside. His girl had gotten the go ahead to do the photos for the up and coming girl-band.
Brenda turned her attention back to JD, and he almost laughed. The woman had quit a job she was a slave to, but the job was clearly her passion. She couldn’t not talk business at the dinner table. But since she was delivering only good news so far he let her. “Wilder may be off tour, but you guys are going to be interviewing on the local radio stations, and a few around the area. We’re going to get you to two places a week, hopefully at drive time, if that’s okay.”
“Like where?”
“Memphis, Atlanta, Louisville, Charlotte.” She grinned. “Houston, Dallas and Austin if we can swing it.”
His heart fell. “I won’t really be home then, will I?”
Brenda made a stern face. “Don’t look at me like that. You’ll puddle-jump out early and be back in town by noon.”
Kelsey piped up. “I’ll take Andie to school. I’m right here.”
She’d been a little overly helpful since her apology. He’d have to find a way to curb that. He just wanted Kelsey back again.
Brenda talked about the other players at HeartBeats. “John’s going to have your album in Target and Wal-Mart before the month is out. Lisa’s going to get all the interviews lined up. And Bart wants to get you back into the studio to record I am.”
She discussed a few options for it since they missed getting it on the album. Brenda couldn’t decide if they should release it right away or hold it for the next album. “It’s evolutionary to your other work really.”
“I know.” Kelsey agreed, “It’s my personal favorite.”
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