Dirty Bonds: The FULL BOOK: Part 1&2 of Dirty Bonds Series (Extra Sneak Peek included)

by B. M. Hardin

  I tried my best to see the positive of the whole situation. I struggled to put my feelings aside but I was an emotional wreck. I wanted the baby with everything in me. I wanted my baby despite who the father was. If I could only turn back the hands of times, I would have been more careful. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have had sex with Kareem; but those two or three times without a condom, would have never happened. Hell, I wouldn’t have stopped taking my birth control a while ago. But now I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life and I wasn’t for sure which way to turn. I wanted a baby, but I wanted it with my husband. I wasn’t going to be anybody’s baby’s mama and though I loved Kareem’s sex and was pretty sure that to some extent I loved him and he loved me, would we really be able to be something more? I really didn’t know him from a can of paint. It had barely been two or three months. At least I knew Devon. We had been at this thing for over a year whether it was under contract, just fucking around or dating. I knew him. I was sure of him even if I didn’t trust him one hundred percent. After a while of my mind disagreeing with my heart, I had come to a decision and I had to be truthful with myself and make a choice.

  I chose Devon.

  Reese greeted me with a hug and we walked inside the clinic hand and hand. I started to cry the very second that I entered through the double doors.

  I cried while I filled out the paper work. I cried when I got undressed and laid on the procedure table, but I cried the hardest when they sucked the little life out of me.

  “I’m sorry,” I cried, “I’m so sorry.”

  That day a part of me died right along with my baby. I knew right then that I would never be the same.

  Chapter Eleven

  A few days had passed since the abortion and I was still fairly emotional. I was crying all over the place. I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want to be bothered. I just wanted to mourn.

  And trust me, the whole, not wanting to be touched thing…was a first. But Kareem seemed to be the only one trying to touch me.

  Devon hadn’t even come by or attempted to. He had called only a few times but that was all. Just as I thought to give him a call, Shanay called.

  “Hey sister, how are you?” she asked in her usual chipper tone. Shanay was always so cheerful that you couldn’t help but have a mood change when you talked to her. For the most part, our relationship was back to normal. I had forgiven her a long time ago for her indiscretion with my husband...at the time. She was still like my own daughter and I loved her just as much today, as I always had.

  “Hey, nothing, laying down resting; what are you up to?” I asked her. With all of the constant chatter, I assumed she was at the hair salon…wrong.

  “I’m at the doctor’s office. It was time for my annual check-up. I was actually calling to get your advice,” she said.

  I really wasn’t in the mood to pretend to have all of the answers. I should have been the last person that she confided in. If she knew how the truth to my life and the pages of my story, she wouldn’t dare be asking for my opinions or thoughts…on a damn thing. But since she didn’t, and since she asked, I might as well attempt to help her the best way that I could.

  “Go for it, I’m listening? What…is something wrong already with you and your husband?” I asked her almost sarcastically.

  “I wanted to know---“ as soon as she had started, I could immediately tell that she had changed her mind.

  “Hey, the doctor is ready for me now…I’ll call you back,” she said but I knew that she wouldn’t. I had no idea what it was that she had to talk about it but I was sure that soon enough I would find out. Shanay would make sure of that. I scrolled through my contacts to Devon’s name.

  “Hey, I miss you. Where are you?” I asked him in my sweetest voice.

  “Why?” he asked coldly.

  Excuse me?

  “Devon, what do you mean why?”

  “Like I said why? Or betta’ yet maybe you can answer dis’ question fo’ me. Why you kill my baby Trina?”

  Huh? What?

  I was at a loss for words.

  How the hell did he know? And it wasn’t his baby…which is why I had gotten rid of it in the first place.

  “What are you talking about Devon?” I asked in an attempt to lie. I had already decided that I was going to blame the abortion on Reese but Devon was already ahead of me.

  “I passed you and Reese goin’ in da’ abortion clinic when you told me you was goin’ down to da’ jail. I waited across da’ street to see what was goin’ on. I know Reese wasn’t da’ one who had it because she came out plenty of times on her cell phone while you were still inside. A while later you came out carryin’ a bag and some papers. Why would you kill my baby, huh? Hell, you didn’t even tell me you was pregnant?” he said furious.

  I was in tears. I was bawling uncontrollably. I was trying to think of an explanation but my mind was completely blank. I couldn’t think about anything but losing him and that was the last thing that I wanted to happen. Desperate and at the end of my rope I knew that crying wasn’t going to get me out of this one. I had to say something…but what?

  The only option that I had left was to tell the truth…well…half of the truth.

  “The baby wasn’t yours, Devon, that’s why I did it,” I said softly, whimpering.

  I knew that finally admitting to having sex with someone else wasn’t going to be a good thing but I didn’t have a choice.

  Devon sat quietly. I could hear him breathing, hard, as if he was struggling to calm himself down.

  “Who’s was it?” he asked.

  Now that was something I wasn’t going to tell him. It was no point in dropping names. That part he just didn’t need to know.

  “It doesn’t matter. It was one night. During the time we broke up,” I lied, trying desperately to convince him.

  Devon said nothing for all of ten minutes. I didn’t know whether to hang up, keep talking and trying to explain or what, so I simply sat and said nothing.

  “Was it Kareem’s?” I heard him say.

  What? How the hell did he know?

  ***

  Devon never told me how he had found out about Kareem, hell he never even let me answer the question. After he asked it, he hung up in my face. He had left me speechless, devastated, trying to figure out just how he found out. Somewhere, somehow, I must had dropped the ball and gotten sloppy. Better yet, hell since he always seemed to pop up on me or catch me coming out of somewhere, knowing Devon, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had followed me a time or ten to Kareem’s house, or better yet he probably went through my phone while I was sleeping. Talk about a role reversal. I thought long and hard but it could have been a number of ways that he could have found out that I was cheating on him. Especially if he had been following during our break-up period which was also during the time that Kareem and I were going out in public frequently. Of course, I had told Devon that I hadn’t been with anyone else when we were going through our issues, so if he had saw us, depending on what he saw, he would have known that I was lying. There was no telling what kind of little investigation or digging Devon had done. But as far as I knew, Devon was done with me.

  He wouldn’t call me or answer my calls. I had tried every trick in the book but nothing worked. I’d cried on his voicemail, sent him a thousand texts, literally, but still no response. I had even popped up at his apartment that he had gotten himself when he moved out but he was never---ever---there. I was losing my mind trying to find him, trying to win him back. After all I had done to try to keep him; I ended up losing him anyway.

  Life just wasn’t fair.

  If I had known that this would have been the outcome, I would have kept my baby.

  I had long entered the realm of depression.

  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and all I could do was cry. Devon hated me, and I just couldn’t live with him hating me. For a while, he was the only one that loved me. He had loved me on a whole different level. It had tak
en a while to realize it, it had even taken a while to appreciate it, but I had and I wanted it back. But my heart knew that that just wasn’t going to happen.

  Kareem was still in the picture for the most part. He had no idea what was going on. I still hadn’t mentioned the baby. Anytime he asked for or initiated sex, I would blame it on the off and on bleeding of the new birth control…which was partially the truth. It had now been weeks since the abortion which meant weeks since I had even thought about having sex. I missed Devon and I didn’t want anyone else touching me but him.

  But from the looks of it, Kareem had other things in mind.

  Kareem was outlining the curves of my face. I was sure that he was horny. After all, I was the only one that he was having sex with…I think. You never know with men these days. But for the most part, I was the only one riding that train. Kareem had even suggested that we make “us” official and do away with the whole contract thing, which was irrelevant anyway at this point in time. I agreed with doing away with the contract, I disagreed with the part about us. But of course, I couldn’t say what I really felt, so I merely told him that I would give the idea some thought.

  Kareem ran his thumb across my lips. He smiled at the color of my popping red Mac lipstick on his finger. I looked at him, studying his eyes and his face. Call me silly, but he was all the way, head over heels, and madly in love with me, and it showed too.

  Internally I felt bad that our feelings weren’t the same anymore. A while ago, I was feeling something like love for him, I was all the way into him but it was just the things that Devon had done, especially with finding my Daddy, that had made me love him even more.

  At that moment, it became crystal clear that I had messed up whatever chance at happiness that I had with Devon. He was gone and at this point I was sure that he wasn’t coming back. So, the reality was, I was now in my thirties and it was time to start being realistic. I had to take whatever love I could get. So, maybe I could try to find whatever it was that I used to feel for Kareem again…maybe.

  Kareem’s hands had started to roam and my body immediately recognized what time it was.

  It was time to turn up the heat!

  His touches reminded me just how long it had been since I had swung on his swing, and though mentally I wasn’t ready, as far as I could tell, my body had no objections. My body recognized how badly I needed to be touched, how badly I needed to feel good.

  Though somewhat not intentionally, just from his touch I began to moan. As if a light bulb clicked on at the top of my head, I remembered how good his dick used to make me feel and finally my mind and my pussy were on the same page. His rubbing led to kissing and his kisses turned into sucks, licks and all that other shit. The thought of an explosive orgasm started to taunt me, making me eager to be satisfied. Once my under garments were fully removed, Kareem touched my pu-tang, inside and out. He played with her and made his fingers familiar once again with her internal beauty and her freshly shaved surface. He looked up at me as I whined for him to kiss her on the lips. He was being a little too cautious for my liking and it was starting to piss me off!

  “I love you,” I heard him say although my eyes were close. My lips, without my permission replied to him.

  “I love you too,” I lied for two reasons. One was because I hoped that saying it would speed up the process to him getting down to business. And two; in all honesty I didn’t know if I did or if I didn’t. I kind of did---I guess. I felt something…

  Nevertheless, I just assumed that it was what I should have said in that moment. I definitely did not want to mess up the mood. I couldn’t risk turning him off; especially since I was all the way turned on!

  I didn’t open my eyes to see his facial expression but from the way he started to suck on my lady downstairs, and lick the split, I assumed he liked my answer. Whatever it was that he was doing to me, instantly caused my whole body to shake. Never, in all my life, had I felt something so amazing. Though I couldn’t open my eyes, my mouth was wide open. Moaning, groaning, cussing, screaming, you name it, I was doing it. I felt my sexual cravings being satisfied and I knew that it was only a matter of seconds before there would be an explosion but…

  Who in the hell was knocking at the door?

  My eyes opened for the first time in minutes.

  On top of disappointment and frustration, I felt just a tiny bit of nervousness.

  What if it was Devon?

  After all, somehow, he had known about Kareem.

  I watched Kareem as he made his way to the door and looked through the peep hole to see who it was. He turned around and looked at me somewhat confused.

  I just knew that he was about to say it was some man he didn’t know and things were about to get ugly… but he didn’t.

  “It’s my kids…and my ex-wife,” he said somewhat apologetic.

  ***

  I was always told that if a man introduced you to his mama and his kids…you were pretty much official. I assumed that introducing me as his woman to his ex-wife and kids had to have just as much weight.

  The other day when Kareem’s ex-wife showed up unexpectedly and unannounced, with his kids, our little freak show had to be put on hold. I headed to hide out in his bedroom but he asked me to get dress and to stay. Unsure, I did as I was told, though it was against my better judgment.

  To my surprise, it all went rather smoothly.

  Kareem had failed to mention that his once upon a time wife was so damn beautiful! Her name was Shelia, tall, brown-skinned, average size. To be honest, if she was about twenty pounds smaller, she could have been a runway model. And that was the honest truth. Her skin was flawless, and though she didn’t have on a stitch of makeup, she was absolutely camera ready. A natural beauty at its best. She was the complete opposite of me, which in a way made me uncomfortable.

  “Oh, I didn’t know you had company,” she said looking past him directly at me. I half smiled…she smiled back.

  “I know I don’t ever come here, but I was wondering if we could talk,” she said to him, though she continued to make eye contact with me. I assumed that my staring was starting to bother her, because her smile was half way down the road of turning into a frown. I wasn’t staring intentionally though; I just couldn’t get over how pretty she was. No, I didn’t go that way, but if I did, she would definitely be my type.

  Kareem stuttered for a second. My guess was that her beauty had him a little speechless too. Either that or it was the fact that he hadn’t seen her in forever, hell he didn’t even know that she knew of his whereabouts. Quickly, Kareem got himself together and properly introduced us and then they carried on a conversation. I tuned them out to focus on their kids. Neither of them looked a thing like him…or her for that matter. Of course one of the boys wasn’t biologically his, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the other one was his as well.

  My phone began to ring and I could tell right away that it was the jail. My perfect excuse to leave. I grabbed my purse and I excused myself and left them to be. After some time, Kareem called to check to see where I was and if I was coming back, but I declined.

  To be honest…I just wanted to be alone.

  I had spent the last few days all by myself. Devon still wouldn’t return my calls, Kareem was still treating me like his woman. He wanted to finish what we had started but I asked for a rain check. I hadn’t even thought much about sex…well not that much. The fingers on my left hand would beg to differ.

  I laid still as I listened to the rain. One would notice, I absolutely had a thang for the rain. It’s the time that I loved to reflect, daydream even. No matter where I was, the rain always seemed to relax me.

  The rain had me lazy and I was enjoying the thought of spending my entire day inside but that dream was short lived.

  “You have a collect call from---Boris,” the automated system played in my ear. Immediately my stomach turned. As I stated, I hated Boris, my baby sister Shanay’s husband. I hated him with a passion. It had taken eve
ry ounce of strength in me not to object at the wedding. He had been saved by the shock and excitement of Daddy’s presence. I didn’t say two words to him that day; or on any day for that matter. I never talked to him; he knew, Shanay knew, hell everybody knew, that I couldn’t stand his ass.

  I almost decided to hang up my phone but I was curious as to what he had done to end up in jail. I secretly hoped it was something that I could tell Shanay…hopefully it was something big enough to get her to leave his sorry ass.

  “Trina?”

  “Yes Boris,” I said rolling my eyes.

  “I need yours and Reese’s help?” he asked sincerely, as if he didn’t have the slightest clue that I wasn’t too fond of him.

  I rolled my eyes. Of course he wanted something.

  “For what? Why didn’t you call Shanay?” I questioned him.

  “I can’t call her Trina…Shanay is dead,” he answered and with that very statement, the phone dropped out of my hands.

  Chapter Twelve

  Burying Shanay had to be one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. It was harder than losing Mama. It was harder than losing Carter. It was even harder than having the abortion. I was broken beyond repair and only the good Lord himself was going to be able to fix me.

  My heart, my mind, just couldn’t seem to function or accept the truth. And the truth was that Shanay was gone.

  That night, Boris called from jail, he informed me that he had come home and found Shanay in their bed…naked and dead; though the physical examination or autopsy, confirmed that she wasn’t raped. She had been tied at the hands and feet and someone had strangled her to death. The strange part was that it didn’t look like there was a struggle, no forced entry, and almost as if she was willingly going to partake in an affair; either that or she knew her killer---which turned all cards toward Boris, or some mystery boyfriend. He said when the cops ran his name he had an outstanding warrant for child’s support and once he was at the jail they tried to get him to admit to killing her but he swore that he was innocent. Though I didn’t like him, for some reason, I believed every word he said. It was just something about the way he said it. It was just something about the way he mourned her death, his cries. The way he cried pierced my soul. To know that he loved her in the way that it seemed like he did caused me to find some unexpected respect for him; caused me to believe that to a certain extent…I had been all wrong about him. Shanay loved him and had been nothing but good to him. He was furious at her death and vowed to find her killer; despite the assumption that maybe she was having an affair. But angry, sad, confused and all, none of it would bring her back.