by B. M. Hardin
No, it wasn't that I didn't respect or love my daddy… I did. The real question was if he loved me. But that's neither here nor there. That was a whole different story.
But back to the point, I was seventeen at the time; and wild and rebellious were both my middle and my last names. I was only a junior in high school, but you couldn't tell by the way I looked; and believe me when I say---I used it to my advantage. It was never hard for me to get alcohol, or get into clubs, even though I was under age.
In my immature mind, I was ass grown woman, and I should have been allowed to do grown woman things. Anyway, I met Zack, who was at the time, a junior in college at one of the many colleges surrounding my city; the capital, Raleigh, North Carolina. I had been invited to a college fraternity party. I was always invited to college parties, but never had I saw Zack at one of them; before that night. And I could only assume that he had never saw me before either; because I'm sure if he had, he would have preyed on me and hassled me the whole time; just like all of the rest of the hormone raging, thirsty college guys did. It was just something about my too advanced for my age body. I learned quite early in life that it was my blessing… and my curse. It attracted men like honey attracted bees. And that was nothing but the truth. But with age I learned that all attention… wasn’t good attention…especially when it’s unwanted.
Any who; now, no Zack wasn't the first guy that I had attempted to date; but he was the first and only one, at the time, that was serious enough to hold the boyfriend title. Most of the other guys had been terrified and not nearly as bold enough to go up against the neighborhood preachers’ wishes. But Zack could have cared less about my father or what he said; which made him all the more enticing and appealing in my eyes.
Although we still had to keep our relationship a secret from my parents, I was fine with that and so was he. I smirked in secret as I thought of the first time I saw him sitting on the hood of his car, outside of the fraternity house.
He was holding a drink and laughing loudly; as though he was a small child being tickled. I'll be honest; from the very first moment I laid eyes on him I was mesmerized; fascinated. He definitely had me at hello. I wouldn't exactly call it love at first sight; but I would definitely call it something.
At first glance, I thought he was the bad boy type. Zack wore the long white t-shirt, with baggy jeans and a fitted cap. His car was an old school 1985 candy apple red Cutlass. You know; the kind of car that you heard coming up the street a whole two minutes before you actually saw it. Initially, the bad boy appearance is what attracted me to him; it’s what caught my attention--- and what made me stop dead in my tracks when he spoke to me that night as I was walking by. But soon enough I found out that he wasn’t a bad boy at all.
Zack was intelligent, witty and had manners like nobody’s business. He was a true southern gentleman. You could absolutely tell that he had been raised by a woman. Although his mother and father were married; his dad was a lawyer, well to be exact; a district attorney. So, long story short; he wasn’t around as often as he should have been. But Zack’s mother, Mrs. Patty, had done a fine job all by herself. Zack opened doors, pulled out chairs, the whole shebang. Zack would even stand whenever I would leave the table and wouldn’t take his seat until I returned. That was something that I had only seen my grandfather do when I was a little girl. Zack’s mother had trained him to the tee. Zack also had goals and dreams and I was sure that one day he would accomplish them.
Listen, there was nothing more attractive than a man with a plan and I knew from the very beginning that Zack was going to be something…and I had been right. To date he was one of Raleigh’s top go-to guys in real estate.
Last I heard, he was one of the richest men in the South.
I believed it.
Naturally, back then, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was absolutely, positively---my very first love. Zack had introduced me to the true meaning of love; real love and everything it was supposed to be. He showed me what it was supposed to look like and he taught me what it was supposed to feel like. To this day, he was my blue print; for all of the men that I had come after him…including my now, fiancé, Levi.
Even though most of the men turned out to be nothing like Zack; initially, the qualities that they possessed or well portrayed were a lot like his.
I was young but Zack was everything any young woman wanted and needed. I honestly thought that one day we would get older, get marry and have a whole bunch of kids. At least that’s what had I thought.
It wasn't until the college acceptance letters started rolling in that my happily ever after; wouldn't be so happy after all. Understand my position for a moment.
All my life I had been sheltered, shielded from living and exploring my life on my own terms and at my own pace.
I was never allowed to do things in my own way. I was never allowed to just be me. And I was more than tired of it. Everything I did I had to sneak around to do. No real freedom and I do mean none. So, when I received the acceptance letter to attend Fresno State College---all the way in California, away from my overbearing parents; my will to live a life of freedom overpowered the love that I had developed overtime for Zack.
It may have been selfish at the time, but I had to put myself first. In my defense, I tried to get Zack to understand my side; but he couldn’t…or maybe it was that he wouldn’t.
Hell, I even tried to convince him to come with me. Being that we had been dating for over a year and he had just graduated college; since real estate was the route that he had taken, he could have done real estate from anywhere. But nevertheless, back then, he refused. He couldn’t understand why I wanted to leave so badly. He couldn’t seem to understand why I needed to leave North Carolina. I just needed to be in a new place, even if it was just for a little while. But Zack just couldn’t seem to grasp that concept. He asked me to choose…and I did. I chose Fresno. That was over ten years ago, but the hurt in his eyes from that day was still visible in my head; as if it had only happened yesterday. Needless to say, I left Zack and never looked back. After college, I decided that California was where I wanted to be and that’s where I stayed.
I'd started a whole new life for myself there and letting it go just wasn't an option. Coming home to visit was rare; at a minimum---and of course by choice. Out of four years of college, I had managed to come home a total of only ten times. Even in the summertime, I would choose to work instead of coming home to be with my family. I just didn't want to. I never once even got home sick.
Once I graduated college and began my advertising career, and moved to Long Beach, and then coming home became only a routine on Christmas. Imagine my surprise to come home last Christmas to announce my engagement only to find out that my sister, Charlotte, was engaged to my Zack. Talk about a slap in the face! Although Charlotte was about eight years younger than I was, Zack had to have known that she was my sister. Everybody in Raleigh knew or knew of the Parks; how could they not. Daddy had serviced Raleigh in the ministry department for years and had done one hell of a job too. The name Pastor Parks carried more weight in Raleigh than a weight bench over at the YMCA. In my opinion; and this is just my thoughts, although I was sure that I was right, but I believed that Zack had gone after Charlotte, simply because he knew she was my sister; and that it was some sort of attempt to get back at me for leaving him. Maybe I’m tooting my own horn but for what other reason would he pursue her? She was barely legal.
A man of Zack's stature could have anyone he wanted...so why her? Why my sister?
Zack was making a statement; one that I heard loud and clear.
But I have to admit; simply from watching the two of them together, that somewhere along the way, Zack must have fallen for her and over time he fell in love with her.
I had witnessed them together more times than I wanted to, so I know this to be true. Since I was Charlotte’s maid of honor and since her wedding had come around first, lately, I had been coming home a lot more often to fu
lfill my duties, as maid of honor, to help my sister prepare for her special day. And from what I could see… they were madly in love with each other.
Truthfully, they actually appeared to be a perfect match. They really seemed to be a perfect fit---together; as though they were pieces to a puzzle.
Although Zack was in his thirties and Charlotte was only twenty one; my parents seemed to be quite fond of him, but even I couldn't blame them for that one. Zack was and had always been a charmer. He had been an astounding lover and friend. I guessed the fact that he was such a good guy made it harder for me to accept that he had fallen for a younger version of me. Yes, that's exactly what he had done. People always said that Charlotte and I could have passed for twins. The old “out with the old in with the new switcheroo” was exactly what Zack had done. And that thought alone made my stomach turn. Charlotte could and would never be me.
The whole thing was absurd. Zack was wrong for going after my own flesh and blood--- dead wrong.
But there was nothing I could do about it…maybe.
Standing there I came to the conclusion that I was more bothered by the ordeal than I had realized. But how could I tell my baby sister that the man that she was in love with was mine? How could I tell her that I had been there and done that and that Zack Carter was off limits? How could I ruin her big day?
The problem was... I couldn’t and I wouldn’t; and of course, Zack hadn’t bothered to offer up the information of our history. We both acted as though we had never known each other prior to being introduced last year on Christmas. We hadn't even bothered to have a single conversation about us or our history. I guessed that somehow we both in some way agreed, in silence, to take our secret relationship to our graves. I mean, basically, I had agreed that it was best---then why was I so jealous?
As the couple proceeded to the area to light their ivory colored unity candles, my heart somewhat smiled as the candles reminded me of a special night, so many years ago….with Zack.
Thinking back, I thought of Zack on the night that he took my precious red ruby and officially made me a woman.
At ease, I rested on my back on top of the black comforter that covered the twin sized bed in his college dorm. His roommate had gone home for the weekend and it was the first time that Zack and I were all alone. Zack was silent as he dimmed the lights and lit about twenty vanilla scented candles. I remembered watching him in silence. I was as quiet as a mouse trying to sneak past a sleeping cat to get to a piece of cheese. To be honest, I was in awe of him; his style, his charisma. To me, in the words of the old folks; Zack was the best thing since cooked crack.
Okay, that may not be the best analogy, but I definitely understood what they meant by it. He was addictive.
Zack was such a good guy and let me tell you, that that was unexpected for a guy of his time and age. But nevertheless he was all that and then some.
I was relaxed, still, except for my rising and falling chest as a result of my steady breaths. I kept my eyes on him. I loved the way he looked and the way he moved. Zack hadn’t said a single word the entire time. Remaining quiet, Zack headed my way. I grew impatient, eager, even a little excited. Unlike most, I wasn’t nervous at all about it being my first time; not even a little bit. Instead I laid there in expectation; anticipation…waiting. I had nothing to be afraid of. I knew that I was in good hands and that Zack was going to take his time with me. Thankfully, I was right. Now, I won’t pretend as if my first time was like magic and as though it was like skipping through a flower bed of tulips. Whoever painted that pretty picture was telling a lie…a damn lie. And I would be the first to admit it. Truthfully speaking, it was horrible but sweet; messy but loving; painful but worth it. It was what it was---but most of all it was mine; ours.
Naturally, round one, was over in a hurry and I didn’t participate. Not that my participation was needed or would have made much of a difference because it was a complete disaster; and over in an instance. Though it wasn’t his first time, he could’ve fooled me---at least the first time around. But oh my, the second time; now that was a different story; on his part and on mine.
Luckily for Zack, I was a fast learner; and I had a good memory. By the second time around he had relaxed and I was like a porn star in the making. I was doing things better than the women I had studied and watched on the flicks in preparation for this very day. I promise I’m being honest.
I know, that might be somewhat of an exaggeration, but what can I say---I've always thought highly of myself.
I remembered the way he smelled as he positioned himself on top of me---again. Although he was sweating as though he was standing at the gates of Hell; he didn't smell musty or awful at all for that matter. He only had this sort of manly odor to him. You know that smell; the one that was around the corner from clean...but a long way from stank; Thank God.
I remembered inhaling his odor and being almost shy to exhale. I feared that my breath was as sizzling as his was to me. I was somewhat nervous because I feared that the hotness of his breath might melt off my drawn on eyebrows. Now that would have messed up the whole mood! Can you say…unattractive!
I was more than happy when he moved from my face to my left side; near my ear.
Zack breathed softly, calmly, into my ear almost as if he might start whistling. He managed to nibble on my earlobe in between breaths and whenever he felt like it, he would add a kiss or two into the mix.
After a while, I mimicked his actions. Allowing my mouth to join in on the naughty deeds as I explored his body with my tongue; well the body parts that were within my reach that is. My hands developed a mind of their own as they began to roam and massage his body freely; rubbing up and down his back slowly; high around his neck and then all the way down to the top of his buttocks.
I could tell that my participation was exciting him; hell it was exciting me. Then as if he had rehearsed it over a dozen times before, he began reciting all of the reasons why he loved me. And called me silly, naive or what have you, but actually I believed him.
His hands proudly roamed all over my body causing my body temperature to rise. I couldn’t quite put into words just what his touch did to me. I knew my body inside and out and I was very familiar with pleasing myself; yet nothing could ever compare to a man's touch; particularly this man’s touch.
The wetness between my thighs could vouch for that. Becoming somewhat aggressive, his tongue harassed my neck for only a second or two before making its way a few inches down to drown my protruding nipples in saliva. Hot and bothered; Bothered and hot, both described me best.
I moaned loudly, teasingly, as though I was a siren trying to lure in her next mate. He, Zack, only responded with more aggression and thrusts of pleasure. I could feel his manhood began to swell and without warning it found its way to the opening of my pool of ecstasy. Her purrs were similar to the ones coming from my mouth. I gasped as he familiarized himself with my territory once again and….
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride,” Pastor Baylock said to Zack and Charlotte; interrupting my thoughts.
The churched ranged with laughter and applause as the newlywed couple kissed and turned to face the crowd. Without my permission, I started to fan myself.
Instantly I had become hot with hatred and angry tears started to torment my eyelids; begging for the freedom to run down my face. But not today; not on her day.
It just wasn't right.
Maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was.
I began to scowl myself for my thoughts and my jealousy. This wasn't about me. Today wasn't about me. It was all about them. It was hard as hell but I tried my best to turn my frown upside down.
At the sight of my sisters backwards glance in my direction; I hurriedly faked a smile and blew her a kiss as she reached for her bouquet of flowers, in preparation to jump the broom.
With almost too perfect timing, once my sister faced forward, Zack looked back at me. I quickly turned my head and p
retended to be staring at the dancing flames of the candles but out of the corners of my eyes I could see Zack almost with annoyance, waiting for me to look in his direction. I tried my best to ignore him but something way down on the inside of me forced me to look at him. Knowing that we only had a matter of seconds, for the first time, I gave him eye contact.
Zack’s face expression wasn’t one of a new and happily married man; not even close. His face was a mixture of sadness and regret. His eyes cried help me or maybe they said bitch why didn't you stop me?
Either way, they weren't saying what they were supposed to be saying on his wedding day.
Why had I let him go through with it?
That was a question I had asked myself the entire wedding ceremony, but it was also a question that I could not answer. And besides… it was too late.
What was done was done and neither one of us could change that now; at least that was the way I saw it. Becoming uncomfortable and somewhat guilty, I dropped my head as he grabbed my sister’s hand and jumped the broom. I followed behind them vowing that I would leave the past behind me at the altar. And believe me, that was my intention.
~***~
I watched him, watching me, as he pretended to play with his daughter. She was so beautiful; the cutest thing I had ever seen. Zack’s daughter, Madison, was as cute as a button; though she didn’t look a thing like Zack.
I didn’t know the whole story behind Zack having custody of her except from what my sister had shared with me. Charlotte stated that he had taken her from her mother when she was just a baby. But she didn’t know why he had taken her and she said he never told her that piece of information. Not wanting to pry, I left the conversation at that. I guessed that her mama must have had her reasons and from the looks of Madison, I was sure she was stunning. That little girl would grow up to be a heart breaker for sure. But in a weird sort of way Madison actuality could have passed as my sister’s child. I was sure that many had made the mistake of thinking that she was Charlotte's before. I didn’t know exactly how old she was but I knew that she was one of the luckiest little girls in the world to have Zack as her father. And I also knew that my sister adored her and was going to make a great mother for her. And together they made the perfect little family; which I admit made me just a pint of jealous. Just a little bit.
