by Anne Hampson
‘Kim darling, how about some refreshments for Margery?’
‘Yes, of course....’ So that was why the monastery was being renovated. It was for Neil and his wife.
It was much later, while Margery was in her room unpacking, that Kim had the opportunity of telling Julian just exactly what she thought about him. She .had to speak in low tones, but they quivered with anger and indignation as she went on,
‘In addition to all else you’ve a most perverted sense of humour! What good did it do you to pretend she was - was - like that?’
All the time she had been, speaking Julian had been calmly occupied with fixing a plug on a bedside lamp Margery had brought with her. He glanced up from his task to give Kim a mild and faintly contemptuous stare.
‘I did nothing of the kind. On the contrary, you jumped to that conclusion for no reason whatever that I can see.’ Which was absolutely true, now that Kim came to think about it, but the knowledge did nothing to improve her temper.
‘You could have denied it!’
Julian took the screws from the table and dropped them into the holes. Then he began to tighten them up.
‘Why should I? If it amuses you to think I’m starting a harem who am I to spoil your pleasure?’
Seething now, Kim whispered, in suffocated tones,
‘You can scarcely blame me for thinking you’re — you’re woman-mad — after what’s happened—’
‘Woman-mad?’ he cut in, displaying emotion for the first time since she had begun her invective. ‘I’ll have an explanation for that statement, if you please!’
Kim promptly gave him one.
‘What about Vicky? One day you wanted to marry her, and four days later you wanted to marry me! What decent man would change his mind as quickly as that?’
‘I’ve told you before, forget Vicky,’ he snapped. ‘That affair’s over and
done with!’
‘But you still love her, don’t you? You said so.’ Instantly Julian opened his mouth to make some retort, but changed his mind. His dark eyes were fixed inscrutably on Kim’s hands; they were in front of her and she was twisting her fingers in little convulsive movements. Julian could not take his gaze away and Kim instinctively forced herself to keep her fingers still. ‘You do love her, don’t you?’ she added as though she could not help herself.
Slowly he withdrew his gaze and regarded her with a most thoughtful expression on his face.
‘Yes, Kim,’ he said at last. ‘I do still love Vicky. I always will.’
CHAPTER SEVEN
He still loved Vicky. ... But this wasn’t news; he had already told her that he still loved his ex-fiancee. Kim stood for a moment, wondering at the hint of dejection that had so suddenly come upon her. There seemed no reason for it and, shrugging, she moved away, intending to leave him, but he spoke before she reached the door.
‘You know about Neil, so you obviously overheard all or part of the conversation between my aunt and myself?’ The plug was fixed now and, fitting it into the socket, he switched on the lamp in order to test it, then immediately switched it off again. ‘You’ve gathered that Neil and his mother have been in a serious accident?’
Kim nodded.
‘Where is Neil now?’ she asked with slight hesitancy.
‘In hospital.’ A pause, and then Julian added with decision, ‘I said our relationship wasn’t right for confidences, but as you know some of the story you might as well hear the rest In any case, you’ll have to know some time. Neil had always been something of a harum-scarum — a trial to his mother. He used to get in with the wrong people and, therefore, into scrapes. Then he met Margery and everything changed. They’re very much in love and Neil wouldn’t have done a thing to hurt her. However, he soon discovered it wasn’t easy to throw off his old cronies—’ Julian paused, frowning, and it was plain that he was now reluctant to continue. Nevertheless, he did proceed with the story and Kim listened intently as he went on to explain that these associates of Neil’s had been planning a burglary and required his help. ‘When Neil refused to give it they waited for him and chased his car with the intention of getting him on a lonely road and — well, beating him up—’
‘With his mother in the car?’ interrupted Kim, horrified, ‘or didn’t they know she was with him?’
‘They knew she visited him and Margery every Tuesday, and that Neil took her home in the car afterwards. Usually Margery went too, but on that particular occasion she wasn’t feeling too well and remained at home. They overtook his car as planned, but a lorry appeared suddenly out of the farm gateway and there was a terrible crash. The four men in the other car were all killed - which is a good thing, for they would most certainly have planned another reprisal and Margery might also have been involved. As it is, both she and Neil are safe.’
‘But Neil won’t walk again - not properly?’ Kim looked up at her husband, deep compassion in her eyes. ‘How awful - and for Margery too.’
‘He’ll walk, but with difficulty - and the time might come when he won’t walk at all. On the other hand, surgery is always improving and one can’t foresee what will happen. But whatever does happen, Margery cares deeply for Neil and she’ll be happy in just having him around.’
A small silence and then,
‘You’re doing all this—?’ Kim swallowed a hard little lump in her throat and went on, ‘You’re spending your money putting this place right for them?’
Stooping down, Julian pulled the plug from the socket. Then he picked up the lamp and stood with it in his hand. His dark eyes rested for a moment on Kim’s pale face.
‘Money’s useless if it can’t relieve suffering,’ was all he said as he moved towards the door. Kim watched him, blinking away a tear. She suddenly felt very small.
‘Aunt Sophy ... is she desperately ill?’ she asked before Julian had time to leave the room.
‘At the very most she has six months to live.’
‘Oh ... how awful!’ Her son would surely be a long while getting over that, Kim thought. ‘Does - does she know?’
‘We believe she’s guessed, but we’re not sure.’ Julian’s face was grey and his eyes seemed darker than ever.
‘I — I’m so terribly sorry about it all,’ Kim murmured, feeling awkward and inadequate. She could find nothing to add to that and she asked what Margery had meant when she said he had brought her away from it all. ‘I overheard her say it outside,’ she went on to explain as she saw his glance of surprise.
‘It was the scandal - neighbours’ gossip. Margery has endured enough without that. She and Neil will be living here soon anyway, so I saw no reason why she shouldn’t come at once. Besides, she should be here, doing a certain amount of supervising. After all, it will be her home, not mine, and there are some things I’ve planned which might not suit her.’ He paused and Kim began to wonder where she and Julian would eventually live, but before she had time to ask Julian was speaking again. ‘It’s going to mean a longer journey for her when she visits the hospital, but it’s only for another three weeks. And there’ll be no difficulty so long as we don’t get snowed up, because I’ll take her to
the hospital myself in the car.’
Nothing seemed too much trouble for him, Kim thought, aware of a vague new emotion inside her.
‘You’re kind, Julian,’ she said on impulse, and a quizzical smile touched the corners of his mouth.
‘That’s the last thing I expected to hear from you,’ he , said, and then, ‘Excuse me, I’ll take this lamp to Margery and plug it in for her.’
Margery.... So that room had been intended for her. With a little shock of surprise Kim owned to herself that she had never completely dismissed the idea that Julian might have prepared it for himself.
Julian went out and a moment later Kim heard Margery thanking him for the lamp.
‘Don’t be too extravagant with the electricity,’ he warned. ‘The mains supply should be here soon; the men are coming up on Monday to make a start on it.’ Kim heard him go into th
e bedroom and after a small hesitation she followed, drawn by some force she could not understand. He was standing by the window, looking out towards the rugged heights of Gader Idris. His hands were thrust deeply into his pockets and it was clear that he had not heard her enter, for he made no move to turn around.
Kim remained just inside the room, her eyes flickering strangely as she tried to understand this new emotion that enveloped her. Time and again during her husband’s absence this morning she had asked herself why she had not done as she intended, and left immediately after his departure for the station. It was curiosity to see this friend of his, she had finally concluded, but now....
Julian did not move, and Kim herself stood quite still, staring at his broad back. She had discovered he was not remotely akin to the monster Vicky had branded him, nor to the man she herself had believed him to be. On the contrary, despite what she had suffered at his hands, Kim had to admit he was basically a good man, a man among whose virtues were kindness, compassion and generosity. He cared nothing for money if it could not be used for doing good. Kim realized with a shock that she was seeing him in a totally new light, seeing him for the first time as her husband, and not as the hated man who had robbed her of her freedom and independence.
What he had done to her now seemed so out of character that she began to wonder if there could have been some very good reason for it.
Could it be that, in spite of her earlier rejection of the idea, he had in fact married her for Aunt Sophy’s sake? - had done it merely in order to give her happiness during these last few months of her life? If that were the case, and Julian’s reason for marriage was not merely for the satisfaction of desire, then the marriage had a chance, for even though by his own admission he still loved Vicky, time might heal the hurt and he would be able to forget her— Kim pulled herself up, amazed at her thoughts. Did she want the marriage to have a chance? Did she want to spend the rest of her life with this man? Deliberately she shirked the answer, but she gave a tiny cough to inform him of her presence. He didn’t hear, so intently was he occupied with his thoughts.
‘Julian.. ’ She spoke poke his name softly and he turned, his face still grey and a little drawn.
‘Yes?’
Kim had the greatest difficulty in framing her words, but at last she managed it.
‘The reason for your marrying me - was it what you said?’ A soft flush rose, but to her own astonishment she was able to meet his gaze squarely. Breathlessly she waited. No doubt in her mind now what answer she preferred. Would he guess...? But no; how could he?
He was taken aback by her question and his brows lifted in surprise.
‘What other reason could there be?’ he asked, and Kim had the odd impression that there was an evasive quality in his tones. Nevertheless, his response had the effect of crushing the hope within her and she said flatly,
‘I don’t know.’ She bit her lip, wishing she had not asked the question. ‘You said your marriage would make your aunt happy, and I thought that - perhaps this was the real reason for your marrying me.’ Her mouth quivered as she added, on a note of resignation, ‘That wasn’t the reason, though, was it?’
For a long while he hesitated, examining her face, and appearing — surprisingly — to be undecided. Kim frowned at this idea. How could he be undecided over a question which required nothing more than a simple yes or no? At last he shook his head.
‘I can’t think what gave you the idea, but - no, Kim, Aunt Sophy’s happiness was not the real reason for my marrying you,’ he said, and Kim glanced swiftly away. So despite his finer traits he knew neither mercy nor compassion in matters concerning his own primitive desires. It was just as he had said at first, she appealed to him and he wanted her... for keeps, even though he loved another woman.
Shame and anger welled up, taking possession of her to the exclusion of all else. Why, she asked herself again, had she not left this morning, as she had originally intended doing? The answer only served to increase her humiliation, forced as she was to own that her sudden change of plan had nothing whatever to do with her curiosity to see this girl whom her husband was bringing to stay with them at Strata Cadilla.
Julian was staring down at her with an odd expression in his dark eyes. Even his attitude infuriated her, for he remained so cool and imperturbable, while she herself suffered this humiliation. The desire to hit back surged through her. He wanted her for always, did he?
‘I might as well warn you,’ she said quiveringly, ‘that as soon as anything happens to your aunt, I shall leave here - and I sincerely hope I’ll never set eyes on you again as long as I live!’
‘Leave?’ To Kim’s surprise her statement produced nothing more than a contemptuous flickering of his eyes as they travelled slowly over her. ‘Naturally I’m aware that my aunt’s death will free you from your promise—’ He broke off, moving into the centre of the room. Kim wondered if he knew how disconcerted he made her feel when he towered above her like this. ‘What of your original promise, though — when you said you’d remain with me for ever?’
She frowned, and it was some moments before she could recollect having made such a promise.
‘Oh, that,’ she said airily at length. ‘I’ve never thought of it as binding, considering the circumstances under which it was forced from me.’
‘Perhaps it was forced from you — or rather, you felt at the time you had no alternative,’ he conceded with unexpected grace, then he added, eyeing her curiously, ‘But now ... you could leave me, without any regrets?’
For what was he waiting? Had he the presumption to assume that his lovemaking had produced anything other than anger and resentment within her? The idea that he could even remotely suppose otherwise only added to her fury, and she flashed him a glance of utter loathing as she said,
‘Certainly I could leave you'. And as for regrets — my deepest regret will always be that you ever came into my life!’
Her husband’s eyes narrowed dangerously and with an involuntary movement Kim stepped back.
‘Whose fault was that?’ he almost snarled. ‘Your regret goes no deeper than mine. If you hadn’t elected to interfere in my affairs I’d now be married to the woman I love!’
Vicky again....
‘I — I hate you!’ The words were out before she could stop them and she turned, almost running from the room. For the tears were very close
- tears of anger, she told herself a moment later as she bathed her eyes over the wash basin in the bathroom. But, strangely, her emphatic assertions merely had the effect of making her weep even more bitterly than ever.
Within the next week or two armies of builders, electricians, carpenters and other workmen moved into Strata Cadilla, while in the grounds the gardeners were engaged in preparing the land for the planting of trees and shrubs, and the laying of lawns. Surprisingly, the winter was mild, much milder than was usual in these wild mountains of Wales, and work proceeded with more speed than even Julian had anticipated. The electricity and telephone were quickly installed and this made life easier for the three inmates, all of whom were working harder than ever before in their lives. To her surprise Kim actually enjoyed herself, not only because it prevented her from dwelling on her own dismal future, and the mess she had made of her life, but also because a firm friendship had sprung up between her and Margery and she was, therefore, working side by side with someone she liked. As for Kim’s relationship with her husband — there was no noticeable change, but Kim no longer made the least endeavour to convince herself that she still hated Julian. Would this glimmering of emotion within her grow strong with time? she often asked herself. Would she be able to leave him -without any regrets? Odd that a similar question from Julian had aroused such fury against him, had brought forth the instant assertion that her only regret would be that he had entered into her life at all.
One day she and Margery decided to work outside, for the sunshine was warm and the sky clear and blue. The men from the nursery were busy on what
was to be a sunken rose garden, while others were engaged on preparing a great area of ground for the laying of a lawn. The two girls spent some time clearing weeds from around the steps leading up to the front door and then they merely wandered about, enjoying the sunshine, and the scenery. The mountain crests glistened with snow, but spring was on its way and the lower slopes were becoming splashed with colour here and there as a few early flowers bravely put in an appearance. The melting snow made torrents of the tiny streams; these tumbled down from the rugged heights, wild fountains sparkling like a string of crystal beads, their rainbow colours stolen from the slanting rays of the sun.
‘Oh, Kim, look!’ the exclamation came from Margery as she bent down to examine the little patch of flowers peeping through the smothering tangle of weeds around them. ‘I love the crocuses — oh, aren’t they sweet!’
Kim bent down beside her; they both began tugging at the weeds and in a few minutes the tiny flowers could breathe.
‘I’d love to take some indoors,’ said Kim with a hint of longing, ‘but I never can bring myself to take flowers from their natural environment. We don’t know, but perhaps they’re really miserable inside, with nothing but water for nourishment.’ As she stopped speaking she was suddenly aware of Julian behind her and she turned. Her hands were muddy because the ground was wet; Julian glanced at them and then his eyes settled on her face. Margery gave him a smile which he did not notice and then moved away, obviously bent on rescuing other spring flowers which might be struggling for existence in the weed-ridden grounds.
‘I’ve never heard anyone say a thing like that before.’ Julian’s voice was soft and faintly teasing, and around his eyes those crinkly lines of humour made one of their rare appearances. Kim caught her breath, silently, and glanced down to the little cleared patch of ground where the crocuses grew.
‘Like ... what?’ she murmured, rubbing her fingers together in an effort to remove some of the mud.
‘I’ve never heard anyone express anxiety as to whether the flowers will be comfortable or not,’ he returned quizzically, and then, ‘but you have a point, I must agree, for we don’t know how they feel.’ He was definitely teasing her and she glanced up quickly. Her hair, tinted with gold from the glancing rays of the sun, was slightly windswept; it fell caressingly on to her cheeks and with an automatic gesture Kim would have brushed it back, forgetful of the mud which was now almost dry on her hands. But Julian checked her, catching her hand in his own, while with the other hand he gently brushed her hair away from her face. He shook his head, and there was that look in his eyes which she had seen on only one other occasion - on the night she had practically begged him to stay, the night she had reluctantly found comfort in the feel of his arms about her.
