by Rona Jaffe
Pressures.
He would be given another chance.
Daniel and Kate and Jay Jay kept asking him what he remembered from those lost seven weeks. He didn’t remember anything. That was the frightening thing—not being able to remember—but they told him over and over that it would be all right. Perhaps, Daniel suggested, when Robbie was home for the summer he might see a psychiatrist to help him deal with all this. Then when he went back to Grant in the fall he would be stronger, and better able to handle whatever came up. Of course, they all agreed, none of them would ever play the game again.
Yes, Robbie thought, a psychiatrist was a good idea. You couldn’t pick up your life after having blanked out and expect everything to be the same. He couldn’t imagine what he’d be able to tell a psychiatrist. He didn’t even have any interesting dreams. Maybe he could be hypnotized and that would help. It made him feel safer, in any case, to know there would be someone professional to talk to about all this.
He liked Jay Jay’s apartment; and Jay Jay’s mother, whom he’d seen twice for just a minute each time, was so young and pretty he couldn’t believe she had a son in college. When Robbie told her, she had laughed and said she had found Jay Jay on the doorstep.
“She only kept me because I was in a Gucci box,” Jay Jay said.
It was strange, Robbie thought, to realize that other people had unhappy home lives too, and never talked about it. For some reason he had supposed he was the only one. Poor Jay Jay. His own childhood had been much better than Jay Jay’s, even with the fighting. At least he hadn’t been all alone.
“I wish I could make this up to you,” Robbie told his friends.
“Make what up?” Jay Jay said.
“I mean, coming to get me, and sticking with me now …”
“Robbie,” Kate said, “your problem is you never understand your worth. You’re a wonderful person. We care about you. You always do things for everybody, and you never ask for anything for yourself.”
“Is that true?” He was so pleased to have all these compliments that he felt a glow of genuine pleasure. He’d always thought he was the dull, average one, tagging along behind them, being allowed to share in their game and their lives, and it hadn’t occurred to him that his presence actually added anything to their lives.
Jay Jay’s mother’s apartment was enormous, and Robbie had his own room, but Jay Jay and Daniel took turns staying in it with him at night “for company.” Robbie knew they were watching him, afraid he might flip out again. He didn’t think he ever would. The pressures were over, weren’t they? College was over. The game was over. He would have all that free time this summer, just to recuperate and relax.
But he liked having someone with him at night. It was cozy. Robbie decided it wasn’t too dreadful to be a little bit selfish just for a few days. After all, he’d been sick. And sometimes, when he let himself think about the enormity of having amnesia for such a long time, it really did terrify him.
The third day, Kate, Daniel, and Jay Jay drove Robbie up to Greenwich to his parents. His mother cried, this time, and both his mother and father hugged and kissed him. His friends stayed for dinner and then they had to drive back to Grant to take their Final Exams. They all wished each other luck and promised to see each other soon. The extraordinary thing was that his mother was hardly drunk at all.
That night she came into his room and sat on the foot of his bed. She hadn’t done that since he was a little kid when he’d screamed out after a nightmare.
“I’m so thankful you’re back,” she said.
“I’m glad to be back,” he said. He wasn’t sure that was true, but he knew she would like to hear it.
“I won’t ask you any questions if you don’t want me to,” she said. “But there will be reporters. You don’t have to talk to them. I’ll be here every minute and I’ll keep them away.”
“Thanks,” Robbie said gratefully.
“And …” She gave him a wan smile. “I know how much you always hated my drinking. I’m going to stop. I’m going to try to stop—okay?”
He was moved. “That would be … that would be really terrific, Mom.”
“We’ll both get well this summer,” she said.
CHAPTER 12
Robbie Wheeling’s safe return revived the story of his disappearance, and, as expected, reporters arrived at the Wheeling home to find out what had happened. Robbie’s parents spoke for him. He was, they said, having a well-deserved rest after what was naturally an ordeal, and would prefer to let the whole matter vanish into the past. There were tremendous tugs and pulls on any young person starting college—the question of career, the battle for good grades, the search for his own identity, the distractions of romance. He had been upset over the end of a relationship with a girl, his parents said, and he had been worried about Final Exams. He had left school to clear his head, reestablish his priorities. It was much the same thing they had been saying all along.
In the newspaper articles that were written about his escapade, the reporters reminded their readers that what had made the story so interesting at first had been the belief that Robbie had met with foul play because of a game. Mazes and Monsters was a popular game on the Grant campus, as it was in other schools, but one particular group of players had gone too far, taking it from their rooms to the forbidden caverns near the college. All the publicity had done a great deal for sales of the game, but the game had turned out to be a false lead. Mazes and Monsters had nothing to do with Robbie’s mysterious adventure—if indeed it had been an adventure at all.
A photographer did manage to take one picture of Robbie, as he was leaving the house to get into a car. You could see how handsome he was, and of course that sold more papers. Robbie’s parents said that he was certainly expecting to go back to Grant again in the fall, where his friends would be waiting eagerly to see him.
On the commuter train to New York from a suburb not far from where Robbie and his family lived, a man named James Herman looked at Robbie’s picture in the newspaper and his jaw tightened in anger. He felt a little fear too, and a great sense of irony. His shoulder still hurt from where he had been stabbed, and even though the stitches were out there was an ugly fresh red scar. He was lucky he hadn’t been killed. It was hard to tell from a newspaper photo, and it had been a while, but he was positive this “nice” Robbie Wheeling was the hustler who’d tried to kill him the night he’d been cruising. No wonder the kid wouldn’t talk about where he’d been and what he’d been doing. Wouldn’t that be a shock for the parents!
James Herman sighed and tried to relax. Life was shit, and there wasn’t much left you could believe in. He had two kids of his own, teen-agers, and he hoped he was bringing them up well. He had a responsible, well-paying job in a big company, a bright wife, a comfortable home complete with swimming pool. There was also a dark side to his nature—the compulsion to seek out young men in degrading places for sex—but no one knew it. No one ever would. He had not gone back to Times Square again, and when the need struck him he would go somewhere safer; perhaps hire a professional call boy.
He didn’t know what had turned him into the kind of man he was: a respectable, well-meaning citizen with one fatal flaw. He didn’t know what had turned that privileged college student into a knife-wielding junkie. He worried about his own children. He worried about the whole damn world.
The only thing he wasn’t worried about was that goddamn Wheeling kid. Robbie Wheeling’s secret would stay just that. Let the parents find out for themselves.
CHAPTER 13
Kate went home after college was over, to see her family and get ready for the trip to Europe she was going to take with Daniel and Jay Jay at the end of June. The three of them had not only passed their exams but gotten good marks, and her father was in an expansive mood because of his new baby daughter and had agreed right away to pay for Kate’s share of the expenses. There were some things she had to sort out in her mind before she left, and she needed this quiet time
at home to think.
First of all, there was Daniel, and what would happen after college. He would be a senior next fall, and they had to make plans. He had been the one to bring it up. When he graduated and she was a Senior at Grant he would get a job in the East so they could spend weekends together. Then they would live together, and if it worked out …
Marriage. She was still afraid of it. She had seen too many marriages fall apart, especially her own mother’s, and there was so much pain. If it was marriage to Daniel she supposed it would have more of a chance than most, but having Daniel and then losing him was too awful to think about. He knew she was afraid of getting married and told her not to be; he wouldn’t push it. They could see how things went. Daniel was always so reasonable. Maybe she shouldn’t worry about what would happen. Two years was far away. Maybe she should talk to her mother.
Her mother was in her bedroom studying, having decided to take courses right through the summer so she could get her law degree faster. Kate knocked on the door. “Mom? Can I bother you for a minute?”
“You’re not bothering me, you’re rescuing me,” her mother said. “I was getting a headache.” She patted the bed. “Sit down.”
Kate found a place among the books and papers. “You know I told you all about Daniel.”
“The paragon.” Her mother smiled. “I can hardly wait till I meet him.”
“Well, the problem is,” Kate said, “he wants to marry me someday.”
“Why is that a problem? You have to marry somebody. It might as well be somebody perfect you adore.”
“But I don’t have to marry somebody. Maybe I’ll never get married. Let me ask you a question, and tell me the truth. When Dad left, were you ever sorry you’d gotten involved with him in the first place?”
“I suppose once in a while when I was very angry. But no … I wasn’t. Whatever we had that was good was worth it. We had you and Belinda. And we had some very happy years.”
“When you were my age, if you’d had any idea that things would work out the way they did … or that they could … would you still have taken the chance?”
Her mother looked at her in surprise. “Of course! You’ll never have any life at all if you’re always protecting yourself against some future disappointment. Life is risk. Loving somebody makes you vulnerable. That’s the way it is. But it also makes you feel alive. If you don’t make commitments you’ll miss half the fun.”
“Commitments can be broken,” Kate said glumly.
“And people can die. A lot of things can happen. But you can’t hide because the sky might fall down. After all, suppose the sky doesn’t fall down? What a waste, huh?”
Kate laughed. “I suppose so.”
“There is one thing that’s worse than being a romantic,” her mother said. “And that’s not being one. Believe me, we romantics are not going to become extinct if I have anything to say about it.”
“I really love you,” Kate said. “Even though you’re a nut.”
“Yes, well, speaking of nuts, you have to visit your father and see his new baby, and you have to bring a present, so I bought one because I knew you wouldn’t. It’s a pink bear, and it’s on the dresser in that box.”
“You bought a present for his baby?” Kate said.
“No,” her mother said sweetly, “you did.”
That was the second thing Kate had to settle—how she would feel about her half sister Laurie. You couldn’t dislike a little infant, but her father’s sex life had always made her vaguely uncomfortable, and although she had been able to put it out of her mind, seeing the living product of it might be strange. She decided to visit him the next day, to get it over with. Belinda had already been, and he had called twice, and he’d been unexpectedly nice about paying for Europe …
The den in her father’s house was now a baby’s room. All the paraphernalia of a new life was there: the crib with mobiles dangling over it, the Bathinette, the mountain of soft toys. Kate remembered that for a while she had been afraid her father and Chlorine were going to turn the guest room into the baby’s room and push her and Belinda out of his world. Sleeping on the couch in the den was not exactly conducive to frequent overnight visits. She realized she’d been expecting the worst so it wouldn’t jump up and surprise her, and she’d been unfair. Her mother was right; sometimes the sky didn’t fall. And besides, she hardly ever came to visit anyway, and would even less now that she had her own life.
“I’m nursing,” Chlorine said.
Of course you are, Kate thought. It would be a waste of those enormous tits not to. “Can I pick her up?”
“Oh, please do.”
Kate reached into the crib and took out the tiny, light creature, protecting the unexpectedly heavy downy head in her hand. The baby opened her eyes and looked at her. “Hi, Laurie,” Kate said.
Her sister … It was an odd feeling to look at this little thing and realize they were sisters. Kate was old enough to be the baby’s mother; she was nineteen now. She would have her own baby with Daniel someday. And maybe when Laurie was older they would all be friends. She suddenly felt a part of the circle of life: someone’s child, holding another child, knowing she was finally an adult.
Jay Jay was inspecting his summer wardrobe, trying to decide how much would fit into a backpack, and what he could possibly live without. He decided to take an additional canvas bag in his hand anyway. There would be hats to be bought, and other souvenirs, and he would need something to carry them in. He was so happy about the prospect of his trip to Europe with his friends that he felt stoned. He had arranged to leave Merlin in his mother’s apartment in the care of the cook, who was very fond of Merlin and said he was brighter than some people she knew. Jay Jay was sure quite a few of those people had passed through his mother’s kitchen.
“Will you miss me, Merlin?” Jay Jay asked. “We’ve never been separated this long.”
“Poor Jay Jay,” Merlin said.
“No, lucky Jay Jay. I am going to become a world traveler, and I’ll tell you all about it when I come home.”
His mother tapped gently at his bedroom door. She was dressed for the evening, in something white and cool. “Darling?”
“Maman! C’est vous.”
“If I’m your maman, you can call me tu,” she said. “My little boy! I can’t believe you’re all grown up, going off to Europe with your friends. I almost feel like a crone. It’s a good thing I had you when I was so young. Next thing you know, I’ll be ready for some face work. How depressing. Anyway, I brought you a list.” She handed him a white envelope.
“What’s this?” Jay Jay said.
“Names and addresses of people to call when you’re in Europe,” she said matter-of-factly. “My friends. Nobody goes to Europe without a list.”
Her friends? Jay Jay didn’t know whether to be touched or laugh at the irony of it. She had never let him see any of her friends socially here in New York, but when he went to Venice, Rome, Paris, London … He couldn’t imagine what her foreign friends would be like, but he was sure he didn’t want to meet them. He was going to meet Daniel’s friends, and Kate’s friends, who would all be traveling too and were much more suitable for someone his age with his life.
“I wrote to them,” his mother said.
“You did?”
“I couldn’t have you springing on them out of the blue. They know you might call. You don’t have to if you’re too busy, but you might want to.”
“Well, thank you,” Jay Jay said. He decided to be touched. He wasn’t going to call them anyway. On the other hand, suppose some of them were really exotic … wouldn’t it be great to show them off to Kate and Daniel! “Do any of them have a castle?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Actually, a few of them do.” She looked with disapproval at the clothes he had spread out on his bed. “And they dress for dinner.”
“Oh.”
“You still have a week, you can buy something decent.” She blew him a kiss and was gone.
Jay Jay opened the envelope and looked at the list, neatly printed in his mother’s perfect hand. He wished she’d put an asterisk next to the ones who had castles. He also wished Robbie could have come with them. That would have made the trip complete. But Robbie wasn’t ready yet for anything that strenuous, and besides, he was seeing a psychiatrist every day.
A picture flashed into his mind of Robbie’s father, the last day of school when everyone was rushing to get out and Mr. Wheeling had come up to drive Robbie’s car home and to pack his things. Robbie’s father had seemed so normal—a typical successful businessman type—not a bit like the fecalite. Mr. Wheeling was exactly what Jay Jay would have pictured to have an all-American son like Robbie, and look what had happened. He looked sad and worn, as if he were still surprised at the unexpected event that had shaken his life. There was only a moment to speak during the end-of-year exodus, but Robbie’s father had said to come visit when he was near Greenwich, and Jay Jay had said they all certainly would; he and Kate and Daniel, who would be coming to New York at the end of June.
“Europe will be a good learning experience for you,” Daniel’s father said. Daniel and his parents were having a leisurely Sunday breakfast in the kitchen of their house in Brookline. Everything in the yard was blooming. You could see it from the kitchen window—what his mother called her “accidental garden”—flowers and vegetables all growing together in a haphazard way. Years ago, when Daniel and Andy were little, they had planted radish and carrot seeds in among her roses, and thus it had remained, with new additions each year.
“And you’ll have fun,” his mother said. “I think people should do everything they can that’s interesting and fun while they still have the chance.”
“The chance is never over,” his father said.
“Oh, you know what I mean. While he’s young and free.”
She’s talking about Kate and me, Daniel thought. She still likes to think Kate is just a romance that will go away. He didn’t tell her that he and Kate had discussed the future: let his mother get used to Kate first. Daniel knew she would. When he’d told his parents that he wanted to go to Europe this summer with Kate and Jay Jay and had asked them for the money, they had agreed right away. He’d gotten three A’s and a B plus on his final exams, and his parents were pleased that he had worked so hard. That was another thing they didn’t know … that he hadn’t really worked very hard at all. He thought how many secrets had been kept from them through the years; some the inevitable process of his growing up and separating from them, others through his need to keep the peaceful equilibrium of their home intact. Perhaps if he had told them about the game they would have understood.
