by K. C. Hamby
I sleep maybe an hour or so a day because Nina is there as soon as I close my eyes, begging me to come back. I tell her it’s for her own protection every single night, but she keeps coming back like she never heard me.
The only good thing about this is that my wolf has been silenced. She doesn’t nudge me, she doesn’t show up with my rage. Nothing. It’s worries me some because I have this hollowness inside telling me my wolf is dying. I’m almost to the point where I don’t care. I never deserved her anyway.
My boots crunch across the frozen grass of the Complex and I head to the training gym to meet up with Nathan. We’ve become extremely close. He’s like my little brother now. He works so hard and has gotten so much better at everything I’ve taught him. Training with him is the only place I can get away from the madness wreaking havoc on my brain. He doesn’t push me for answers like Ash and he doesn’t tell me to suck it up like his mother. He just carries on like nothing has changed and jokes with me like everything is fine.
I walk in the gym and shake off the winter cold. I’m surprised it hasn’t started snowing yet, but it’s just December, so there’s more than enough time. Nathan is already here waiting for me as usual. He bounds over to me, chipper and smiling. My sadness dissipates, if only a little.
“Hey! What are we doing today?” He always asks me this and I always give him the same answer: I roll my eyes.
“You know the drill. Show me what you’ve practiced.” I shoo him away and watch as he runs across the gym. He faces me and takes a deep breath, centering himself. He whimpers as he shifts. The process is slow and painful to even watch. I can’t imagine how it feels.
He goes back and forth between his person form and half wolf form several times before his dark brown paws hit the floor. He’s about as big as I was as a wolf when I was young which is a lot smaller than he should be. He pads over to me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. His dark brown and white fur ruffles with his movements and his misty gray eyes focus on me.
“Well well. I didn’t realize we were getting wolfy today,” I halfway joke. He snorts at me and runs off to the other side of the gym again.
He blends into the darkness and I almost fall over. I was never able to do that before I stopped shifting. And Nathan can just trot around as a shadow in the dark as a wolf? What the hell?
If I didn’t have Chosen sight, I wouldn’t be able to see him. He moves quickly and quietly along the walls of the gym toward me until he’s right beside me. I pretend I don’t see him and I look around confused. He leaps behind me and I turn around. When he notices I’ve seen him, he shifts in midair, losing control of his wolf. I catch him under his arms and hold him up in the air.
“Nice try, Nathan.” I laugh—the sound is hollow and shaky—and set him down on the floor. He groans obnoxiously loud.
“I almost had you,” he complains.
“Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” I huff.
“What does that even mean?” He glares at me with confusion.
“Honestly, I don’t even know. I’ve just heard people say it, so I figured I would give it a try.” I playfully punch him on his arm. “Okay, so today…”
I’m interrupted by a ringing in my ears. I stop talking and shake my head, trying to get rid of the sound. I knock my hand on the side of my head, wanting to knock the sound out.
“Fal?” I hear Nathan over the ringing.
It grows louder and louder; so loud, I’m covering my ears with my hands and squinting my eyes, wanting to force the noise out. The ringing is like a wolfsbane laced knife stabbing in my ears over and over. It’s so fucking loud.
My wolf stirs for the first time in nine months. There are so many sensations happening in my body at once, my head is going to explode. My heart thumps rapidly against my sternum. My skin catches on fire with intent to shift and I drop to my knees on the gym floor with tears streaming down my cheeks.
The ringing is taking over everything. I can’t think. I can’t do anything. Liquid copper drips from my nose and dots the floor in blood red.
A scream rips from my throat in an attempt to get the ringing to stop. I open my eyes and see Nathan’s terror covered face mouthing ‘what’s going on?’
Impossibly, it intensifies.
I scream. I scream with such force that my vocal chords could shred into a million pieces. I yank my hands away from my head at the feeling of stabbing in my skin. My nails have turned into claws. The bones in my hands crack, wanting to shift. I fall on my stomach and claw at the floor.
I can’t take this. Goddess, please just kill me.
Right when my vision becomes cloudy and I think I may pass out from the pain..
It’s gone.
I gasp at the absence of soul shattering torture and roll on the floor, sucking oxygen into my lungs. I groan at the rawness of my throat and taste blood on my tongue.
I stay in my position on the floor until I’m sure it’s not coming back. My claws pop back into nails and I grab my ears, making sure they didn’t fall off from the intense ringing. My stomach rolls at the blood on my palms when I pull my hands away. Nathan—sitting beside me and rubbing my back—glances at my hands and runs to the front of the gym before I can say anything.
I lie on the hard, dusty floor and catch my breath. I’ve heard rumors and myths about what the hell just happened, but I never believed it could actually happen. Especially not to me. It couldn’t be possible.
Nathan runs back with tissue in his hands. He gingerly dabs at my ears and hands me some tissue so I can clean my nose. When he’s satisfied with his doctoring, he plops down beside me with concern wrinkling his young face.
“Fal, what just happened?” I turn away from him and pull myself into a sitting position. I sigh. “Look, I know I’m not, like, your age or whatever. But, you’re like my big sister. I’ve been worried about you. You’re not the you who saved me that day from those jerk kids. You’re….different. You’re sad. And bleeding out of your ears.” I laugh and look into his eyes. What do I have to lose?
Here goes nothing. “Have you ever heard of the Mate myth?” I rasp and cringe at the raw stab of pain in my throat. He nods eagerly, wanting me to continue. “I think I found mine and I’ve been staying away from them.”
“But, why? Don’t you go crazy or something if you do that?” Realization covers his face. “Oh.”
“I have to protect them.” I watch his face, waiting to see if he catches on. He’s the only person other than Ash I trust. “Being around me could get them, and me, killed.” Nathan ponders my words for a few minutes and pulls his knees to his chest. He glares at the floor in thought, wanting so badly to understand. He slowly looks up at me.
“Are they a Poacher?” I shake my head. “Lupi?” I shake my head again. He frowns, thinking through it. “I know you can’t, like, date anyone because you are an assassin. Is that it?”
“That’s part of it, but not the whole reason.” I blink at him, willing the answer into his mind. His eyes nearly pop out of his head.
“They are human.” He doesn’t say it as a question, but I nod my head anyway.
“I’ve been staying away from them because, if I get caught, we both die.” I choke on a sob. “I can’t let that happen to them. I think the Mate myth is true. All of it,” I tell him with a voice so tired it sounds like I could fall asleep and never wake up. It’s not far from the truth.
“But, I thought a Mate had to be Lupi.”
“I thought so too, but obviously that’s not true. Or, Hecate has made a cruel,” and beautiful, “exception.”
“Okay, but if the myth is true, this person is supposed to be your other half, right? So you’re kinda walking around with holes in your soul and an empty heart. You’re not going to ever be the same Fal you were before you decided to be dumb and go crazy.” I snort. “You know what it’s like to have a whole, awesome soul. You and whoever,” he throws his hands in the air and clasps them together, “combined your souls w
hen you met. You being stubborn and leaving kinda yanked them apart.” He pulls his hands away from each other in a motion that rolls my stomach. “I feel like that would drive anyone crazy, ya know? You won’t be happy and I think that’s the most important thing.”
“What’s the most important thing?” It’s duty. I already know.
“Happiness.” He beams at me sternly. It’s like it’s not even Nathan talking to me because he sounds—kind of—grown up. I nod my head once.
“You’re smart, you know that?” I reach over and tousle his hair. He giggles and throws my hand away.
“I’m cancelling practice today,” he announces, standing up. I stare up at him with squinting eyes.
“What? I’m in charge here.” He smirks.
“I’m just going to refuse to practice.” He looks so proud of himself. I scoff. “You need to fix this. I’m giving you the opportunity.” He winks and holds out his hand. I hesitate, but roll my eyes and take his hand. He helps me off the floor and wraps his arms around me in a hug. I hug him back like my life depends on it.
“Thank you, Nathan,” I whisper with a tear escaping my eye. I wipe it away before he can see. He pulls back and gazes up at me.
“Yeah, sure. Now go.” He shoos me away like I do to him all the time. I laugh and make my way into the cold day, noticing my previous resolution of staying away from Nina is fading with every step.
***
I leave the Complex to drive around, hoping it’ll clear my head, if only a little. I know what I want, but what I want is dangerous; it’s against Assassin and Pack Law. I’ve followed them my whole life.
But, what about Nina being my Mate? I didn’t believe in it before, but my head pounding from my little episode earlier makes it hard to deny it exists now. Nathan made everything seem so simple, but I’m scared to death. I’ve never been this scared of anything before. I know it’s not going to be as simple as Nathan put it, but am I okay with that?
I groan. I need air.
I cautiously turn on my music for the first time in nine months and roll down the window. The bitter cold hits my face and I try to convince myself it makes me feel better. I’m basically driving with muscle memory, not really paying attention to where I’m going. I tune back in to the music playing and my heart lurches. I didn’t even know I had this song on this playlist. “The Passion” by HᴓrnZ flows through my car and the lyrics hit me straight in my frozen heart, thawing every last bit.
Tears beneath your eyelids.
Drowning in the darkness.
You are all that, all that, all that I need
And I’m flailing, flailing into the shadows now.
This passion is taking over me.
This passion’s burning up inside of me.
My eyes water as Nina floods my thoughts. She was all that I needed and I just left. I didn’t even think of what this could be doing to her. I’m drowning in sadness at the thought of her going through even the slightest bit of what I am. My foot presses harder on the gas pedal and my car zooms forward to a new destination.
How could I be so stupid? How could I do this? I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now. I don’t even know if she’ll want to see me. She shouldn’t want to see me. I wouldn’t blame her in the slightest if she doesn’t. I choke on a sob at the idea of her casting me out, but this is my fault. I left her alone.
After what seems like forever, I finally find a parking place on her street. I slam the door shut and run. I run as fast as I can in her direction. I can’t think of anything else other than getting to her. It’s like some huge force is yanking me to toward her apartment.
Her soul. It’s calling to mine. It tugs at the seams of the walls I’ve built up. It’s the softest song whispering a promise of forever to my shattered soul. My wolf stirs and pushes me faster.
I’m here.
I stop abruptly at the stairs. My hands are shaking and my legs are frozen in place. I gaze up at her window. The light is on behind the curtains. She’s home. My heart thuds in my chest.
Why am I not moving? I need to go up there now!
This is what I tell myself, but all my fears rush back to me. I’m putting her life in danger. I can’t do this. I take a step back to go to the car, but something stops me. The wind blows across my face and with it comes a whisper.
Some things are not meant to be fought. Remember that, Korí. My bones ache to their very core. Hecate. I remember being so confused when she said this to me the first time. Why am I hearing it again now? Is she talking about Nina? I look back to the window with an aching heart.
Go now, Falen.
I only hesitate for a second.
I fly up the stairs, skipping as many as I can. My heart is pounding, threatening to beat right out of my chest and throw itself at Nina’s door. I land on the deck and barely slow in time to stop at the door. I slam my fist down on the metal a few times.
“Nina!” The desperation in my voice is overwhelming. I drop my hand and wait. All I hear is my breathing. I rest my forehead on the cold surface, hoping with everything I have I’m not too late to fix this.
I’m about to knock on the door again when footsteps come my way. They stop right at the door and nothing is said and nothing can be heard except mine and Nina’s breathing.
“Go away, Fal,” she cries without opening the door. The pain in her voice is enough to bring me to my knees. Tears slip from my eyes and roll down my face.
“Nina, please. Just open the door.” My voice is cracking with pleas. The tears keep falling, begging for her to just open the damn door. She sighs.
She slowly unlocks all the locks and takes years to turn the doorknob. The door creaks open and I plant my feet on the cement deck so I don’t run her over. She opens the door until she’s fully visible to me. I can tell she’s been through hell, but she’s beautiful all the same.
I barely have time to take all of Nina in before my wolf surges me forward. My hands go to each side of her face, pulling myself into her. My lips find hers and I kiss her with everything I have. Nina doesn’t hesitate even a second. She wraps one arm around my waist and the other around my back, pulling me into her apartment.
I reach behind me and shut the door. I turn us around and press her back against the door while my lips greedily crush into hers. I lean in to her, my soul mending with every breath of her lavender and vanilla scent I take in.
A small moan escapes from her lips and it makes my body want to melt into the floor. I push my whole being against her as she slides her tongue between my lips and teeth. She tastes like the sweetest vanilla I’ve been craving my whole life.
A moan falls from my lips. I can’t help myself. My soul snaps together, once again complete. I place a hand on her hip, somehow pulling her closer. I need more of her. One of her soft hands caresses the back of my neck.
My soul is on fire, and I’ll kill anyone who tries to put out its flame.
After what seems like hours—but actually five minutes—I pull back from her lips and place my forehead on hers and catch my breath. We’re both breathing hard, our breath mingling in the small space between us. Nina gazes at me with her sapphire eyes and smiles.
“Hi.” I huff out a laugh at her and smile.
“Hey yourself.” I pull back from her and peer deep into her eyes, begging for the one thing I know I don’t deserve: her forgiveness.
“I’m sorry,” I cry. “Goddess, I’m so sorry, Nina. I promise I won’t leave you again. Not unless you want me to,” I claim with as much sincerity as I can muster, wanting so desperately for her to believe me. She searches my eyes for a brief moment and a smirk spreads across her face.
“You better not. Especially not after that kiss.” She squints at me in faux anger. I roll my eyes and pull her into my arms. I breathe in her scent; lavender, vanilla, and now, home.
“I’m serious, Nina,” I murmur into her neck and she pulls back from me, scanning my face.
“I am too. I’ve wanted you sin
ce the first day I met you, Fal.” She smiles delicately and my shoulders relax. I grab her hands and hold them tight in mine.
“I’m sorry. For everything.” I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it up to her, even if I try my whole life. Her wavy hair falls in her face and I tuck it behind her ear for her tenderly; something I’ve wanted to do for months.
Nina pulls me in the direction of the couch and I follow like a lovesick pup. She sits on her crossed legs on one of the cushions and lets out a slow breath. I hear her heartbeat slowing.
“I forgive you.”
“Wait, what?”
It’s the best thing I have ever heard. It’s like I’ve been holding in a breath for nearly a year and I’m finally able to release it. My wolf grumbles with satisfaction and I’m smiling so wide I probably look crazy.
“Honestly, Fal. You could probably be a sociopathic serial killer and I would still want to be with you.” I let out a choked, fake laugh to save face while my heartbeat speeds up like it’s trying to win a race. She hit a little too close to the mark. “But, anyway, I’m really glad you’re here.” She clutches my hands and grins so wide, I want to kiss her again.
“Boof,” I hear and something plops in my lap. I peer down into Luna’s yellow eyes looking up at me in adoration and panting. I laugh and scratch her head.
“Hi there,” I murmur in a cooing voice I didn’t know I had. I lock my eyes back on Nina and study her. I catch a glimpse of dried blood under her nose. I wouldn’t have seen it if I didn’t have my sight because it’s so small. She was bleeding like I was. My wolf whimpers in my chest, not liking Nina being hurt at all.
I pull my thoughts away from the darkness and look her over. I notice for the first time she’s in a shirt with a unicorn that says, ‘Unicorns are real’ written across the front. Her long pajama pants are covered in flying, rainbow-haired unicorns.
