by Tim Kevan
All of which put him in a foul mood, and he’s ready to take it out on whatever or whoever is at hand. Today, unfortunately, that was me. I kept out of his way as much as possible and took particular care over his coffee. But if there was a sanctuary for battered pupils run by the likes of the RSPCA, I would definitely have been knocking at their door.
Wednesday 3 January 2007
Day 65 (week 14): Mold
If ever there was a thankless task it was being sent to Mold in North Wales to photocopy documents for TheBoss. Not just for the length of the journey but also for the sheer grottiness of the town. A while back I learnt the word ‘onomatopoeia’, where the word sounds like its meaning.‘Splash’,‘snooze’,or,even better,‘plop’ spring to mind.Mold is definitely one of those and though I’ve never been there, I imagine Grimsby comes into the same category. It was cold, miserable and thoroughly run down, with only the briefest respite coming from the town’s wit who had scrawled the letter ‘y’ on a number of signs.Hence ‘Moldy Industrial Estate’,‘Moldy Social Club’, etc.
As if all of this wasn’t enough, I also had to put up with another baby barrister from London who I’ll call Pashmina.What a liability. Made the characters in Withnail and I look positively provincial.
‘Look at the prices on the menu, BabyB. Would you believe it? You could probably get a row of houses here for the cost of a decent meal in London.’ . . . ‘Hmm, prawn cocktail. Quite the height of sophistication.’ ...‘At least it’s authentic.You’ve got to give it that.’ . . . ‘Do you think they talk so slowly due to learning difficulties?’
In the end I asked one of the solicitors on whom she’d cast aspersions as to inbreeding if he’d play along as I told her that he was my elder brother and that I’d been born and brought up in the town. It was of course, a lie, but it certainly served to shut her up for the rest of the afternoon.
Thursday 4 January 2007
Day 66 (week 14): Real clients
We had our first chambers training session today in preparation for our start in court in April. Time to get all the lovely pupils together in one room in chambers taking each other on like baby Jedi. Well actually, not exactly. Worrier was the first to crack.
‘I’m not sure I’ll be ready by April. It’s just too soon.’
‘Oh don’t worry,’ said OldSmoothie, who was leading the session, despite the complaint which had been made against him. ‘You’re expected to make mistakes for at least the first few years.’
‘But it’s such a responsibility having your own clients and absolute responsibility for their cases and what if they complain?’
‘Look. It’ll almost certainly be the only time for most of them that they’ll ever see the back of a real-life courtroom. They won’t know whether you’re good or bad, even when you lose it for them.’
‘Yeah, they’re just pupil practice fodder,’ said TopFirst.
‘I’m not sure they’d quite like to be called that,’ said OldSmoothie, ‘but it isn’t far from the truth.’
‘But how do you control the nerves?’ asked Worrier.
‘Believe me, they’ll be more nervous than you. They just won’t notice,’ replied OldSmoothie.
‘Well, I’m looking forward to my first day,’ said TopFirst in a kind of ‘Well, I’ll have a Babycham’ type of voice. ‘Great chance to prove yourself.’
‘Oh, me too,’ said BusyBody, following the leader. ‘I’ve booked myself on a private advocacy course for a month beforehand so I’ll be raring to go by that point.’
Everyone looked at her like she was mad. Where does she get the time, what with her committees and other stuff on top of all the pupillage work? Is she a machine?
‘But what do we do,’ Worrier was off again,‘if we want to object to something?’
‘Stand up, walk up to the bench and shout “Objection!” in a thick American accent,’ TopFirst said sarcastically.
‘Stop teasing her. You can tell she’s worried.’ It was BusyBody. ‘You just raise your voice and interrupt as best you can.’
Something at which BusyBody is particularly skilled.
Monday 8 January 2007
Day 68 (week 15): BusyBody bites
BusyBody came over for a chat in the library this afternoon. Having already heard from me about the existence of the tape the other day, it was almost as if she felt she had to report in to me today on her progress. She told me that she’d asked Worrier if she could listen to the tape. Worrier had apparently been reluctant but BusyBody had persisted, saying that this was something with which she wanted to help ‘as a woman’. Being the trusting soul that she is, Worrier eventually dug the tape out of her desk and lent it to her for the afternoon along with the recorder. BusyBody said that she had it in her bag and wondered if I wanted to hear it. I replied that I was in a rush but would be very interested to hear what she thought about it later.
The most interesting piece of information from that conversation was that Worrier kept the tape in her desk.
Tuesday 9 January 2007
Day 69 (week 15): My recording
This evening after work I visited Worrier’s room, which was empty. Found the tape in the recorder having been returned to its place by BusyBody. With the help of my trusty mobile phone I made my own recording of the conversation.
Wednesday 10 January 2007
Day 70 (week 15): Steps of the High Court
OldRuin was in this morning. All dressed up in his best tweed suit. Hair unusually combed down and looking almost coy. Like a schoolboy who had prematurely aged fifty years. It seems that it would have been his wedding anniversary today. He was married in Temple Church and he had proposed exactly a year before on bended knee on the steps of the High Court. Some thirty-five years later, his wife contracted cancer. When she was told that it was terminal, she told him that wherever she was taken in the afterlife (something in which they both believed), she would always ensure that at midday on their wedding anniversary she would be sitting on the steps of the High Court in exactly the same place that the two of them had sat after their engagement. Therefore, just in case she was not able to trace where he was, they could always ensure they would be together on that particular day.
It was 11 a.m. and OldRuin was ready for his love.
Thursday 11 January 2007
Day 71 (week 15): The set-up
A fact that I had found out from BusyBody during the Christmas break was that she had no access to her emails at home and therefore most evenings after work she spent twenty minutes in a nearby internet café doing her personal emails (something which is disapproved of by chambers if it’s on their time). It’s a pretty big place and although it was a slightly risky move, I got changed after work into a so-called ‘hoody’ and jeans and went off there. Sure enough, BusyBody was beavering away in the corner.
I duly uploaded the recording of HeadofChambers onto YouTube. I didn’t state what it was and am confident that no one would stumble on it accidentally as I didn’t add any keywords which could have brought it up in a search. I then set up a fake Hotmail account and emailed HeadofChambers the link, thus putting various cats among various pigeons.
If any of it ever gets traced back to this internet café, the video footage should show very clearly that the only person related to chambers who was in here was BusyBody. My hood kept me completely and utterly anonymous.
Monday 15 January 2007
Day 73 (week 16): Worrier confesses
Went for coffee with Worrier this morning. She told me that HeadofChambers had come to see her on Friday and accused her of taping the conversation he had with her. She, of course, broke down immediately and told him everything. Given that there is nothing more sincere than Worrier under pressure (I have to admit she’ll be a dreadful barrister) it must have been clear to HeadofChambers that she was also telling the truth when she denied putting the recording on YouTube. The inevitable question after that was who had had access to the tape? The only person as far as Worrier knew was Busy
Body, to whom she had lent the tape last Monday. With forty years’ experience of seeking justice and defending the rights of the accused, HeadofChambers put two and two together and came up with BusyBody as the only possible culprit. After all, it couldn’t possibly be any of the tenants. They were as good as family. So if BusyBody was the only one of the pupils with access, then obviously it was her. All the more obvious given their little incident in chambers tea a while back.
Tuesday 16 January 2007
Day 74 (week 16): BusyBody panics
BusyBody came to see me in a panic today. HeadofChambers has asked to see her first thing tomorrow morning. Apparently he said the following: ‘I’m sure you know what this is about. What on earth you were thinking with YouTube I cannot imagine but you should know that this is being taken extremely seriously.’
She had absolutely no idea what he was talking about and wondered if I could provide any insight. Obviously, I pleaded complete ignorance.
‘Sounds like he’s lost the plot,’ was all I could offer.
Wednesday 17 January 2007
Day 75 (week 16): BusyBody convicted
I have now heard the full story from BusyBody and she appears to have been completely banged to rights. HeadofChambers called her in at 9.30 a.m. and asked for an explanation. Obviously, she pleaded ignorance. This just made him even more angry. He told her about the recording, the post on YouTube and the anonymous email he had received. She repeated her protestations. Again they didn’t wash. He told her that over the weekend he had had a high-ranking police friend of his do a search on the source of the uploading of the recording and of the anonymous email and both had been traced to an IP address for a particular internet café not far from chambers at between 6.15 and 6.30 p.m. last Thursday. On Monday, that same friend had asked a local police officer to visit the café and obtain copies of the security videos covering those times. He had then played the video, fast forwarding to the time when BusyBody had entered the café and then to when she left. He also pointed out that there was no one else from chambers to be seen there. This had floored BusyBody. Though she continued to plead her innocence, she was bright enough to see that she was well and truly scuppered. HeadofChambers had then gone on to tell her that whilst the police had been involved it had been on an informal basis and he did not want them to press charges for the theft of the recording. Furthermore, whilst he considered this to be an extremely serious matter, it was one which he thought should be dealt with internally by chambers. He had already made a threatening request to YouTube via his police friend and the recording had now been taken down. As for BusyBody, she simply needed to know at this stage that she could not have made a worse start to pupillage. Her pupilmaster had been informed and in due course the tenancy committee would be given a summary of the events. At the very least, she would be well advised to consider applying to other sets of chambers for a ‘third six’, just in case. This is basically a continuation of the nightmare which is pupillage for another six months for those who fail to get taken on in their original chambers. At this stage, I can’t think of anything worse.
Despite the fact that it was all down to me, I still felt pretty bad as I listened to her recount the full horrifying details, and my first thought was that I would never be able to tell Claire about this. As for BusyBody, all I could do was to offer her my sympathy.
Thursday 18 January 2007
Day 76 (week 16): Worrier again
Worrier was round today.
‘I just don’t understand, BabyB. I mean how could BusyBody do such a thing? It simply doesn’t add up,’ she mumbled.
‘I know,’ I answered.
‘But why on earth?’
‘People are strange creatures and life’s mysteries are such that we cannot even hope to solve them all.’
Friday 19 January 2007
Day 77 (week 16): Bombshell
Today TheBoss received a bombshell in the form of another letter from the senior partner of the firm of solicitors in the shipping case. It stated that examination of chambers’ hard disk by an expert showed that an amendment was made to the records at 7 a.m. on 4 November 2006. Specifically, an entry had been added stating that the papers in the case had been sent back in July along with an advice and a fee note. This was contrary to TheBoss’s account and suggested that he had fraudulently doctored (or, the letter alleged, ‘caused to be doctored’) the records in order to avoid involvement in any professional negligence action. The letter stated that in the circumstances the firm had no option but to make a formal complaint to the Bar Standards Board. Furthermore, if the client brought an action for professional negligence, the solicitors would be blaming TheBoss and he was therefore advised to report this to his insurers. It might be said that things are not looking good for TheBoss.
Monday 22 January 2007
Day 78 (week 17): Extraordinary meeting
Apparently an extraordinary chambers meeting has been called to decide whether TheBoss should be suspended from chambers pending the Bar Standards hearing, which could be several months away. Usually innocence is assumed until guilt is proven, apparently. However, the word on the street is that this won’t apply to TheBoss due to the fact that the allegation involves the fiddling of chambers’ own books and, furthermore, to the fact that TheBoss is yet to come up with any defence, never mind an arguable one. The meeting is to be held next Monday.
Tuesday 23 January 2007
Day 79 (week 17): FiveAmp
Understandably TheBoss has been out of chambers yesterday and today and I’ve been left to watch other members of chambers actually fighting cases. Today I had the pleasure once again of watching TheCreep. Quite a big trial with both parties and their witnesses all ready for a fight. The only problem was the judge. Not great when you know his nickname’s FiveAmp due to his short fuse, but even worse when you discover he wants to adjourn the case to get off home early for some reason. First he tried suggesting he had a conflict of interest, which didn’t get anywhere with either side. Then he pointed out that several of the witness statements had been served late. Both counsel immediately made clear that neither objected to this delay.
‘Well, rules are rules, you know,’ he said. ‘I’m minded to adjourn this and to call the solicitors here personally to explain their breach.’
‘With respect, Sir,’ came a voice from the front of the court. It was TheCreep as he jumped up from his seat. ‘Today is probably costing more than £10,000. We’re ready for trial and to adjourn, Sir, would be contrary to the interests of justice.’
That would have been just the right submission. Yet he seemed oblivious to this and continued with the following:
‘In fact, Sir, it is just the sort of case that if the Court of Appeal were to examine it, they would absolutely insist that it should have gone ahead today.’
Ouch. You could almost see a slow-motion scene of the words leaving his mouth and TheCreep desperately trying to grasp them back. Never said it. No. Never. Just your imagination. Except he just did.
‘Are you threatening me?’
‘No, Sir. Please, Sir, if that’s what you imagine I mean by those words, I retract them wholeheartedly.’
‘Which bit do you retract? The threat?’
‘Yes. No. I mean . . .’
‘Mr Creep. I’ve been in this game for a lot longer than I care to remember and I do not take kindly to being lectured on what the Court of Appeal might or might not think of my local justice.’
‘No, Sir.’
‘I care even less for direct threats made at my office. If you want to appeal me, by all means. But never, I repeat, never, threaten me. Do you understand?’
‘Yes, Sir. I’m very . . .’
‘Because if you threaten me, I will not only send you over to the cells at the magistrates court for contempt, I will also pass the case over to your brand new sparkling Standards Board.’
‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.’
‘Now. I am minded to adjourn this case unless I h
ear any objection to the contrary from either of you.’
There was silence.
Wednesday 24 January 2007
Day 80 (week 17): Multiple problems
TheBoss came in today and at midday suggested we go off to Inner Temple Hall for lunch. Seems that I’m the only one in whom he feels he can confide at this stage. I’ve noticed that when he’s stressed he likes to eat, a lot, and today was no exception, as he plumped for the roast lamb with all the trimmings. As we sat down laden with huge platefuls of food, he started to tell me about his divorce.
‘You know the reason why she’s asking for a divorce?’
‘No.’
‘Pretty clichéd really, but I’ve been seeing one of my solicitors.’
‘Ah.’
‘It gets worse. Now her firm has reported it to chambers. Not that it’s any of their business, but I’ve no doubt at the chambers meeting on Monday they’ll start suggesting it raises some sort of conflict of interest.’
‘Well, not necessarily.’ I tried to be positive.
‘The problem is, BabyB, that when you’ve been in chambers as long as I have, you’ve had the chance to annoy pretty much everyone at one time or another. Now it’s their time to get me back. Put the boot in. You know, I really think they’re simply going to kick me out.’
‘But they’re lawyers, first and foremost. Surely they’ll allow you a fair hearing? Time to get all the facts out?’
‘Well, now you’re thinking like I’m thinking, BabyB. At least all that legal training will come in useful for something. You see, it’s all governed by the chambers constitution which was written at a time when a place in chambers was a place for life. It makes it pretty hard to do anything drastic.’
‘So how many votes do they need?’
‘Seventy-five per cent of the whole of chambers has to vote in favour of suspension. If enough people fail to turn up then it’ll have to be near unanimous to go against me.’
