“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “Thank you for waiting. I needed to send a note upriver.”
“To that lumberjack named Jake?”
Amanda nodded.
“You decided against going there?”
“For now. Garrett suggested I write.”
“Very sensible solution.”
It might be, but Amanda hated the wait and uncertainty that a letter brought. Patience, she told herself as she rooted through the cupboards, looking for an apron. In her haste, she’d forgotten to don hers.
“Did your mother have any aprons?” she asked Sadie.
The little girl slowly shook her head.
Isaac, however, said, “Papa put all her things away.”
Pearl glanced at Amanda, who shook her head in turn.
“Where did he put them?” Amanda asked. The apartment above the store wasn’t big enough for much storage, and the stockroom below couldn’t be very large, either.
“In the warehouse,” Isaac said.
“Hmm,” Pearl murmured, as she fastened the last button.
Amanda knew the meaning behind that sound. Her friend thought Garrett hid everything that reminded him of his late wife so he wouldn’t have to deal with the loss. Pearl might be right.
“Perhaps it’s time to bring them out again,” Amanda said to the children. “I will ask your papa.”
“He won’t listen,” Isaac said.
Pearl took her leave and stepped out the front door.
That gave Amanda a moment to consider her reply to Isaac. She didn’t want him going into that shell again. “I’m sure your papa was grieving the last time you asked, but perhaps enough time has passed. Perhaps this time he will listen.”
“Listen to what?” Somehow Garrett had slipped into the house without her hearing him.
Amanda fixed a pleasant smile on her face and slowly turned. “I thought it might be time to bring out a few of the children’s mother’s things. To remember her by.” She thought of that little broken locket, her last remembrance of parents who had left this earth when she was very young. She could no longer envision them. That had been lost to the mists of time. “I don’t want Isaac and Sadie to forget her, the way...well, the way I can no longer remember my parents. I don’t even know what they looked like.”
His expression froze. She’d not seen such a stony look since the evening that she, Fiona and Louise first appeared in the apartment above the store, each eager to become his bride. He’d not wanted them then. He didn’t want this now.
“I’m sorry,” Amanda whispered. “I was trying to think of the children.”
“It’s not the same,” he said roughly, not looking her in the eye. “I have a daguerreotype of their mother, so they will never forget how she looks.”
“That’s not the only thing they need to remember. I wish I remembered the scent and feel of my mother’s skin. Or the way she told me she loves me, or how she laughed and the way she sang. I wish with all my heart that I had those things.”
Sadie tugged her skirt. “Don’t you have a mama?”
Amanda crouched so she could look the little girl in the eyes. “No, I don’t. My mama and papa died when I was very young, much younger than you.”
Sadie’s thumb popped into her mouth and tears began to form in her eyes.
Now Amanda had gone and done it. She hadn’t meant to upset Sadie or Isaac, who was staring sullenly at the marbles that had enthralled him moments before. She wrapped her arms around Sadie and kissed the top of her head. Isaac was harder to comfort.
“Even though it hurts to remember, it can help,” she said.
Isaac turned stormy eyes to her, and she realized in that moment how like his father he was. “I’m not an orphan!”
“Isaac,” Garrett scolded. “Apologize to Miss Amanda.”
She stood. “No, it’s all right. Isaac is perfectly correct. He isn’t an orphan, and I pray every night that he never will be.”
Was that a shudder that ran through Garrett? Even so, his expression didn’t soften. If anything, it had gotten stonier. What had she done?
She tried to catch his gaze, but he looked to the kitchen.
“Supper isn’t started?”
She felt even worse. A workingman needed one thing when he returned home, and in her hurry to appease her curiosity, she had neglected him and his children.
“I’ll work on it right now.” She hurried over to the stove, which was a good temperature thanks to Pearl stoking it when she brought the children home. Amanda surveyed the foodstuffs in the larder and settled on cabbage and potatoes with a bit of salt pork for flavor. Not fancy, but it would fill up a man.
Behind her, Garrett finally moved. She heard his heavy footsteps cross the room to where the children were playing. The scraping of a chair meant he was sitting at the table.
Her hands shook as she attempted to peel the potatoes. The knife slipped, and the sharp blade caught the edge of her thumb.
“Ouch!” She stuck the thumb in her mouth, even though it wasn’t bleeding much.
She instinctively waited for Garrett to inquire, but it was Sadie who spoke up. “You hurt, Miss Mana?”
“Just a little nick.” She turned to the child with a smile, hoping to calm any fears. Then her gaze landed on Garrett, who was staring at her as if he had never seen her before.
What was wrong with him? Maybe he’d seen her go to the Donnie Belle and was waiting for an explanation.
She wrapped a bit of rag around her thumb and cut the salt pork into chunks. “I needed to send a note, so Pearl watched Sadie and Isaac until I returned.” Amanda looked out of the corner of her eye, but Garrett’s expression had not changed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Where were you writing? New York?”
“New York?” She almost asked why she would write there. Then she remembered the letter she’d written to Mrs. Chatsworth. By now, the entire family knew where she’d gone. Even Hugh. What if...? No. Impossible. Hugh and Lena would never come here. This was wilderness as far as they were concerned.
Amanda’s head spun. Don’t faint. She mustn’t faint. She remembered Pearl’s instructions and drew in deep breaths. It wasn’t helping. She let go of the knife and leaned over, hands on her knees. Recently, that would have brought a cry of concern from Garrett, or his comforting presence. Instead, stony silence greeted each deep breath.
Gradually her head cleared, but not the dread. What was going on? Whatever it was, she must meet it head-on.
She drew yet another breath and stood. All three Deckers stared at her. “There. All better. I felt a little faint.”
She mustered a smile, which drew nothing in return.
Something had happened. Something awful. Perhaps mentioning the children’s mother had done it. Maybe it was something else. Whatever it was, this silence could not last.
“I’d better get back to work.” The words came out shakily, and the knife wobbled in her hand.
“You need an apron.” That was Garrett.
“I couldn’t find one.” She didn’t want to get back to the reason the conversation had turned to the children’s mother’s belongings.
Garrett went into his bedroom and returned with a store apron. It wasn’t the right size, but it would do. He handed it to her.
“Thank you.” Again she attempted a smile.
Again he did not respond in kind. “You’ll need to clean your gown.”
She looked down to see greasy handprints on her skirt. Oh no. She’d grabbed on to her knees when she felt faint.
“It’ll come out.”
She suspected the stains on her skirt would vanish quicker than the frostiness that had arisen between her and Garrett.
* * *
Garrett didn�
�t know quite how to broach the subject. The letter was in his coat pocket. He would give it to Amanda. The question was when. She would want to open it. If she did and read the first line, she would fall apart.
Not in front of the children.
He knew that much at least, but he couldn’t stop watching for some sign of the degenerate qualities that this letter insisted she had.
It could be untrue. He knew that in his head, but every fiber of his being wanted to dismiss her at once. She was taking care of his children, his precious son and daughter. The thought of a woman of loose virtue having sole charge of his children made his temper soar. He was snapping at her. It was wrong. A person should have the benefit of the doubt, be innocent until proved guilty, but not when children were at stake. His responsibility was to guard Sadie and Isaac. Amanda could prove her innocence later—if she could.
He stripped off the vest he wore for added warmth. The room was getting terribly hot. “Can’t you put a damper on that stove?”
Amanda’s hands shook as she scooped cabbage into the skillet, and some fell to the floor. “I’m sorry.” She ducked down to pick up the pieces.
Sadie made a choking noise. He looked across the table to see his daughter sucking her thumb.
“Stop that,” he ordered. “Girls your age don’t suck their thumbs.”
The first tears slipped down her cheeks.
Isaac lowered his head over the schoolwork he was now focusing on, as if he did not want to meet Garrett’s gaze.
Fine. This was between him and Amanda. Once she left, everything would get back to normal.
Naturally, she rushed to Sadie’s side, gathering the girl in an embrace. “It’s all right. I know you suck your thumb when you’re scared, but nothing bad is going to happen. Can you help me by setting the table?”
Sadie slipped off her chair to fetch the plates, but the glare Amanda gave Garrett could freeze the sun. She returned to the stove without a word. He felt a bit guilty. He shouldn’t have snapped at Sadie. It wasn’t her fault.
It was Amanda’s. To think he’d been about to ask for her hand in marriage. That letter had spared him a lifetime of regret. From this moment on, he was in control.
“Stop coddling the children,” he demanded.
She ever so slowly turned her head. “You’re speaking to me?”
“I am. My children need to learn discipline. Hardships inevitably come. If they’re coddled, they will be too weak to withstand them.”
She stirred the cabbage, potato and salt pork mixture in the skillet several times before speaking. “That’s an admirable view. The question is when they must learn this harsh lesson.”
“The answer is that it’s my decision to make.”
Isaac shifted, moving his schoolwork to the side, but still didn’t look at Garrett. Sadie tiptoed around him, placing his plate within reach, but not coming close enough that he might wrap an arm around her. Did she fear him, too?
“I’m their father,” he added.
“Yes, you are,” Amanda agreed, still focused on cooking. “Perhaps Isaac can tell you what happened in school today.”
Garrett narrowed his gaze. Something had gone on in school, too?
“Isaac?” he prompted.
His son looked to Amanda.
She smiled at him. “It’s all right.”
His children were turning to her first? Garrett clenched his hands.
Isaac glanced up. “Miss Lawson went over what we’re supposed to do in the play. I don’t know why I have to play Joseph. Why couldn’t I be a king?”
Every drop of fear and temper fled in the face of Isaac’s plea. Garrett had to admit that a king would be far more interesting to a young boy than playing the father of Christ.
Garrett motioned Isaac near. “You know that Joseph was a carpenter?”
His son nodded.
“I’m a carpenter, too.”
Isaac wrinkled his nose. “You are? I thought you were a sawyer.”
“That, too. But I’m also a shipwright. That’s a type of carpenter, a very special sort of carpenter.”
“Special?”
The question led to a discussion that lasted until supper was served. The food didn’t look all that great, but it tasted good enough. Amanda would never make a fine cook, but she’d gotten past burning everything. She also ate like a bird.
Was she still upset? Garrett wanted to ask, to clear the air. His irritation had vanished with the full stomach. Amanda might have made a few mistakes, but she’d shown no sign of low morals. Every concern he’d had in the past had been unfounded. She had always been forthright with her answers as long as he asked the questions. This was one question he couldn’t ask, though. He’d seen a private message—only one line, but an incriminating line that he’d best erase from his head.
When the dishes had been cleaned, and she was ready to leave, he would hand her the letter. Then he would watch her reaction. That would tell him all he needed to know.
* * *
Though Garrett’s temper softened as the meal went on, Amanda stayed on edge the entire time. She couldn’t get more than a few bites of food down. He focused on the children, completely ignoring her presence. She felt...unwelcome.
When the last bite had been eaten and the children excused, she rose to do the dishes. Garrett did not follow her. He did not comment at all, unlike the last few meals they’d spent together. Ever since their sledding tumble, he had taken to helping her by drying the dishes, or instructing Sadie on the finer points of wiping a dish dry. Tonight he moved to one of the stuffed chairs in the living area opposite the kitchen and began reading the Bible.
A frown furrowed his brow as he quickly flipped through the pages. He was looking for something. It probably had nothing to do with her, but Amanda could not shake the sense that he was searching for something with which to accuse her. Rather than inquire, she scoured the skillet with sand and then dumped that outside. Now a little soap and water would get the pan clean.
The children must have sensed something different in their father, for they kept their distance and played quietly at the table. More than once Sadie looked to her with an expression of such longing that Amanda’s heart nearly broke. Sadie wanted to help. She loved to help, but Garrett was in such a mood tonight that she feared doing anything without his permission.
Amanda would take the brunt of any displeasure. “Sadie, would you put the plates away?”
Garrett looked up briefly but made no comment.
Whew. Whatever was bothering him, he wouldn’t take it out on the children.
Amanda finished the dishes and then hung the damp towels above the stove.
“Will you play dolly with me?” Sadie whispered.
Amanda’s heart ached for the little girl. Just when Garrett had begun to get involved with his children, he’d slipped back into the melancholy that had created the rift in the first place. Perhaps something had happened today to remind him of his late wife. That was the one thing that consistently sent Garrett’s spirits plummeting. Until he accepted her death, the family could never heal. If only Amanda knew how to move him past that. The one thing that had made the most difference was their little sledding expedition. Perhaps she should plan another outing. Once she finished Pearl’s wedding dress.
“Not tonight,” she said to Sadie, searching for something they could do with no snow, “but perhaps your father would like to take a walk on the shore before the snow returns. I understand there are lots of stones to be found.”
“The flat ones work best for skipping,” Isaac piped up.
“Skipping?” She hadn’t been aware the boy was listening to her and Sadie. “What is skipping? I know how to skip down a sidewalk.” Though she had not done such a girlish thing in years.
Isaac laughed. “
Not that kind. Skipping stones. On the water.”
“Oh.” She noticed Garrett’s attention had shifted from the Bible to her, though his expression did not change.
Isaac didn’t notice. “You don’t know how to skip a stone?” He was incredulous.
This was where in the past Garrett would have stepped in to remind his son that she was a lady and didn’t do the same things as little boys. He said nothing.
Amanda swallowed her embarrassment. “I’m afraid not. We never went to a lake or pond when I was young.”
Both children found that impossible to believe. Amanda glanced at Garrett, expecting him to say something or even offer to teach her how to skip stones. He said nothing.
She managed a weak smile for Isaac. “Perhaps you’ll teach me.”
His chest swelled. “I’ll show you, but nobody can skip a stone as many times as Pa.”
“I’m sure not.” Again her gaze drifted to Garrett.
This time he rose. “Let Miss Porter go, son. She has a lot to do this week, too much to spend time throwing stones.”
Miss Porter. Not Amanda. Not even Miss Amanda.
His coldness chilled the warmth that she got from the children. He wanted her gone.
She went to the door to fetch her coat, and tried to think of something else. Perhaps she could get the buttons done on Pearl’s wedding dress tonight. Perhaps the lumberjack Jake had received her letter by now. Perhaps he would come downriver tomorrow, or the next day or the next. Soon she might find her long-lost brother.
That thought should have lifted her spirits, but Garrett’s displeasure had wound its way deep into her heart. She took one last stab at making peace.
“Good night, children. Good night, Garrett.” She wrapped a scarf around her throat and pinned her hat on.
“That reminds me,” Garrett said. “I have something for you.”
“For me?”
Perhaps his silence had been nerves. Garrett had never given her anything. Her mind leaped to the impossible. Would he ask for her hand? No, that was not his way. He would have broached the topic before saying anything in front of the children. Yet the near kiss lingered in her mind.
Mail Order Mommy Page 18
