by Faye McCray
Maybe she did like boys.
I closed my eyes tightly as I moved inside her. It felt better than I could’ve ever imagined. I couldn’t believe I was touching her like this. I couldn’t believe she was letting me touch her like this. Every part of me felt like it was going to erupt.
“Thank you,” I began as I moved in her. “Seriously, thank you so much.” She looked at me and rolled her eyes.
“For real, thank you,” I repeated.
“Stop thanking me,” she said. I nodded and continued.
When we were done, I lay there for a moment staring at her, watching her gather her long hair back into her ponytail, which had come loose. The freckles on her face traveled down her chest stopping just short of her breasts. I watched her snap on her bra and pull on her panties.
“What’re you looking at?” she asked with insecurity I was not used to from her.
“You’re pretty.”
“Shut the fuck up and get dressed, Nate,” she said sucking her teeth and pulling on her jeans. I pulled on my boxers and sat beside her to put on my socks. “So what…” she started after a moment. “You like me now?”
“Yeah,” I said without hesitation. She laughed. “You want to be my girlfriend?”
She laughed harder.
“What?”
“Nate, I’m 17 and you‘re 14, what would I look like walking ‘round with you?”
“You walk around with me now,” I said getting angry.
“Yeah, but you want me to hold your hand and shit?” She laughed again.
“Forget it.” I put on my pants and shirt.
“Yes, please,” she said rolling another blunt.
She lit it and started it to place it to her lips. I snatched it and took a hit.
“What the fuck?” she asked standing up and reaching for it. Even though I was younger than she was, I was taller. I held it up out of her reach.
“Nate!” she yelled struggling to get it. Finally, she gave up and put her arms down. I handed it to her laughing.
“That’s exactly why you couldn’t be my man. You play too much,” she snapped. She sat back down, took a long hit and passed it back to me. I sat back beside her and smiled.
“What now?” she asked stifling a smile. I took another hit.
“You don’t have to be my girlfriend.”
“I know.”
“But can we do it one more time?”
She laughed, as this time, I took off her shirt.
Lisa and I spent the whole year before I went to high school having sex and getting high, everywhere from her bedroom to the rooftop of my apartment building. She was like my candy store. She let me try anything and everything. She let it slip once that a friend of her mother had “taught” her. I asked few questions but from what I gathered, he was older and what they did was secret. In retrospect, it explained so much of what Lisa did and why she was the way she was. At the time, I just felt incredibly lucky that she was doing the same for me.
Lisa was like a security blanket. Everything about her was an escape, and she always seemed to pop up just when I felt like there was nowhere else for me to go. Whether it was a note in my mailbox telling me to meet her for a smoke or the sight of her casually waiting for me after school, I loved having somewhere else to be. Her father was in jail, and her mother was rarely home, so I could spend hours at her house without anyone asking questions.
My most intimate moments were spent lying in her bed with her, naked and smoking weed. Sometimes our arms would touch, or she would rest her head on my shoulder, her hair lingering on my arms. We would talk about things. She would listen to me complain about my mom forgetting to buy groceries or my dad showing up at a parent-teacher conference drunk or not at all. She would complain about the men coming in and out of her house and how different things would be if her father was out of prison. At those times, she seemed softer, more feminine. However, just as quickly as she opened up, she would shut back down, usually telling me to stop looking at her in a certain way or to put my clothes on before I got too comfortable. Most of my life during that time was a blur, but I remember Lisa very clearly.
I entered high school with a quiet confidence that most boys my age didn’t have. Most of the things my peers had just begun to do or where curious about doing, I’d already done. Although Lisa made it clear I wasn’t her boyfriend, I wasn’t interested in anyone else. Lisa was no frills and did not play games. She never expected me to be anything other than what I was, and I never had any expectations of her.
Shortly after my first year of high school, Lisa disappeared. My calls went unanswered, and she was never in our usual spots. I ran into a friend of hers one day who told me she moved with her mother to Elmira, a small town in upstate New York. Her father was incarcerated there and they wanted to be closer to the prison. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting that she hadn’t said goodbye but deep down, I knew it couldn’t have been any different. I’d learned relationships were always a temporary bit of delusion that merely tied one tragedy to the next.
CHAPTER FIVE
“Jayna went home for the weekend, so I have the place to myself.”
It was a windy Friday in April, and it had been four months since Kerry and I had started dating. The breeze felt cold and wet, like it would rain soon. Kerry and I were standing on the stairs to her dorm, and I had just kissed her, prepared to say goodnight.
“What?” I said, pretending that I had not heard her. It sounded like an invitation, but I wanted to prepare myself not to look disappointed if it wasn’t. I was ready, but I wasn’t sure she was.
“Jayna went home for the weekend so if you want to come up for awhile.” I smiled at her. “You can.”
“Of course I do,” I said looking in her eyes. She laughed, turned and opened the door leading me to her dorm room.
The dorm Kerry shared with Jayna was small. Two desks. Two twin beds. A mini-refrigerator and small television on top of a tall dresser.
“That’s my side.” Kerry pointed to the bed with the purple linen and a collage of pictures of friends and family above her bed. “That’s Jayna’s side.” Jayna’s side had the same purple linen and a large poster of a red rose with the word “Passion” scrawled across the bottom.
I began to study Kerry’s pictures. There was one of her in a graduation gown with what I assumed were her parents, another of her being hugged on either side by what I guessed where her sisters and quite a few of her surrounded by a group of girls. Our lives couldn’t have been more different.
“That’s my mom and dad,” she said pointing to her graduation picture with her parents. Her mother and father stood on either side of her with their arms wrapped tight around her, big smiles spread wide across their faces. The salt and pepper pair could have been “photoshopped” from a Macy’s Ad.
“That’s Jayna,” Kerry said, pointing to a picture of her and Jayna with their arms around each other and smiling in swimsuits on a beach. Kerry was wearing sunglasses with her braids pulled back in a ponytail. She had on a blue bikini. Jayna’s long curly blondish-brown hair was blowing around her caramel skin. She was wearing a small black bikini and looking off to the side. She was pretty, curvy, and the swimsuit was revealing. I felt uncomfortable looking at it too long with Kerry watching. I could feel her eyes studying my reaction as I turned to face her.
“She gets a lot of attention.”
“I’d love to see that blue bikini in person.” I wrapped my arms around her waist.
“Oh please,” she said laughing. I kissed her forehead and glanced back at the wall.
“Who’s that?” I pointed to a picture of her in what seemed like an intimate embrace with a tall, young guy.
“My high school boyfriend.” She looked slightly embarrassed and rolled her eyes.
“Must have been pretty important for you to still have it up.” I felt foolish for putting Kerry on such a pedestal. For all I knew, she was still dating this dude.
“I should’ve
taken that down a long time ago.” She reached for the picture and pulled it down, tossing it on her desk. She walked over to me and put her arms around my waist. “Seriously, Nate, we broke up before I came to college. He thought we were too young to be so serious and at the time, I was really hurt, but I realized he was right.”
“Then why did you put his picture up?” I asked surprised at my own harsh tone. She pulled back equally as shocked.
“Because we were friends,” she began. “I guess, a part of me thought we’d get back together.”
“Wow,” I said running my hands over my head and backing away.
“Nate...”
“Kerry, you don’t have to explain anything. You and I aren’t exclusive.”
“We aren’t?” It was her turn to look offended. I looked away avoiding her eyes, knowing damn well I had not seen anyone since I met Kerry. I picked up a small globe paperweight from Kerry’s desk and began tossing it in my hands.
“Nate,” she said again, reaching for the globe and putting it back on the desk. “I think…” she started. “I’m falling in love with you, Nate.”
Surprised, I turned to face her. She looked up at me expectedly. Not knowing what to say, I kissed her. If I counted the number of times someone had said that to me in my life, it wouldn’t even fill up one hand. In fact, the only person I remember saying it was my Aunt Laura. I considered saying it back, but I didn’t know how the words would sound coming from my mouth.
“Kerry, you’re beautiful,” I said pulling away and looking into her eyes.
She tilted her chin towards me for another kiss, and I readily accepted pulling her closer to me and traveling my hands up and down her back, then up to her hair. I pulled her ponytail loose running my fingers through her hair as I kissed her more deeply, trying to somehow communicate with my lips what I couldn’t manage to say.
“Wow,” she said pulling away.
“Want me to stop?”
“No,” she breathed. I tugged at the hem of her college sweatshirt I’d seen a million times and began to lift it over her head revealing her petite breasts in a satin black bra. I leaned down and kissed her breasts over her bra, pulling her straps down over her shoulders before she could protest. I pulled her close to me and kissed her again. As we kissed, she snuck her hands up my shirt and onto my back. Taking her lead, I took my shirt off and threw it on the floor beside us. She ran her hands over my chest and began to kiss me again. I sat back on the bed, and she climbed on top of me, kissing my neck and moving against me. I could feel myself harden and her movements get a little more purposeful to feel me through our pants. I cupped her ass in my hands placing her breasts in my mouth, fighting the urge to flip her beneath me and pull off her pants. She pulled away and smiled.
“What?” I was trying very hard not to appear as excited as I was.
“I don’t want to stop tonight,” she said sitting back on my legs and unbuttoning my pants. I wrapped my arm around her and lifted her to turn her on the bed. I unbuttoned her pants and slipped them down her legs, revealing matching black panties with a small pink bow. She leaned back against her elbows and watched me as I took down my pants.
“Wow,” she said again smiling. This time I didn’t have to ask what she was talking about. My excitement was clear through my boxers. I kneeled down and began to slip her panties down her legs, taking them off at her feet. I pulled her toward the edge of the bed, kissing her stomach and taking her in. She sat up and pulled my face towards hers kissing me harder as I unsnapped her bra and slipped it down her arms. I stood back up and took off my boxers. She watched me and then laid back on the bed, staring up at me as I parted her legs and leaned on my forearms over her. I kissed her again as she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me down onto her, her breasts smashing into my chest. I could feel her wetness on my tip. I wanted nothing more than to finally be inside of her.
“I don’t have condoms,” she said pulling away from our kiss.
“I think I do.” I stood and picked up my jeans. I knew I did. I reached into my wallet and pulled out a condom, opening it and placing it on. I leaned back down preparing to enter her.
“Wait…”
Fuck, I thought.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I asked, trying hard not to sound agitated.
“I’m… I-”
“Are you okay?” I wanted this, but I didn’t want to rush her into doing something she wasn’t ready for.
“This is sort of my first time doing this.” She sighed and looked up at me.
Sort of?
“I mean, I’ve gotten close but I never actually… I have never actually gone through with it,” she continued. I looked down at her, surprised. Surprised that she had kept this from me for so long but more surprised that she had chosen me. Suddenly, everything about her seemed more exciting. I studied her where she lay below me, staring deeply into my eyes, writhing eagerly and pressed gently into her sheets. I ran my hand down her chest, over her apple-sized breasts and erect nipples and down to her flat stomach. My appetite for her suddenly felt overwhelming, and I wanted nothing more than to ease into her and take my spot as her first.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I managed to ask. I was terrified she would change her mind.
“I want this, Nate,” she murmured. “I want you to be my first.” She kissed me before I could respond, and I eased into her. She gasped, wincing when I made it about halfway in.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yes,” she breathed and I moved in deeper, slipping my way inside her as her eyes widened, and she melted into the bed. I kissed her deeply when I was almost completely inside her, stopping for a moment before I pulled back out slowly. She felt tight and wet, I bit her chin lightly and she giggled.
“How’s it feel?” I whispered. I slipped in and out slowly and deeply. I could feel her body tense and release beneath me.
“Good… strange but really good.” Her legs widened and allowed me to move in deeper. I could feel her tightening around me. I leaned down and kissed her, continuing my pace as she ran her hands over my head and down to my neck. Her hands traveled down my back to my waist as she pulled me deeper inside her. She moaned as I pressed into her. I could tell the discomfort she felt was easing and the pleasure was increasing. She was feeling every thrust, and her enthusiasm made me even more excited. Everything in me felt like it was about to explode, but I kept my pace slow. I was trying hard not to look at her beautiful face, trying hard not to think about the feel of her soft and tight body beneath mine. Trying not to think of how this moment had made her mine, in a way she have never been anyone else’s.
“Nateee,” she moaned from beneath me. I kissed her again, our tongues dancing as she began to tremble and moan louder, biting her lip to stifle her moans. Unable to hold back, I thrust as deeply as I could and exploded inside of her falling to the side of her on the bed and wrapping her in my embrace. She looked up at me and smiled, kissing my sweaty neck and running her hands up and down my chest. We lay there in the silence of the night until I could hear her breaths begin to slow. I knew she was falling asleep.
“I love you too,” I whispered softly into her hair. She opened her eyes and looked up at me from where she lay, nestled in the crook of my arm, the streetlight shining through the window illuminating only one side of her face. “I love you too, Kerry,” I repeated, surprised at how normal it sounded escaping my lips.
***
I woke up to Kerry wrapped in a towel and poking the bottom of my feet. The sunlight was peering in through her dorm window.
“I’m going to go take a shower.”
“Can I join?” I stretched and sat up. I was still naked and was covered only by the sheet around my waist.
“No, Goofy.” She laughed. “Unless you want to put on a show. It’s a dorm shower.”
I reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her to me and running my hands up and down her thighs. She looked down and kissed me.
“It
’d be a good show.”
“I’m not ready to share you with an audience yet.” She gave me another quick kiss. My hands traveled up her thighs and under her towel cupping her ass in my hands, I squeezed gently and pulled her towards me. With one hand on her ass, I undid her towel and buried my face into her breasts.
“Nate!” she said pulling back, lifting her towel and wrapping it back around her.
“What?” I chuckled.
“I have plans for us today.” She turned and headed to the door.
“What plans?”
“I want to see your place and meet Phil.”
“Wait, Kerry…” I began as she walked out, the door shutting behind her.
“Oh, man.” I fell back down onto the bed and closed my eyes, hoping Phil wouldn’t be home. A moment later, the door opened. “I knew you would change your mind,” I said before opening my eyes.
“Change my mind about what?” a female voice said.
I opened my eyes and there stood Jayna, her hair wild and curly like in the picture, in a tight blue T-shirt and short black skirt. She threw a small duffle bag into her closet and looked at me lying on the bed and smiled.
“You must be Nate,” she said, unscathed by my scantily clad body.
“You must be Jayna.” I looked down to make sure I was covered by the sheet.
“You’re good.” We laughed. “I’ll get out of your way in a minute. I just wanted to drop off my stuff and pick up some things.” She bent over to pick up some shoes from her closet and threw them out into the middle of the room. She turned towards me and smiled.
“Kerry thought you went home for the weekend.”
“I did. I came back.” There was a story there, and it was clear she wasn’t in the mood to share.
“You’re cuter than Kerry said.” She began to unbutton her skirt.
“Whoa…” I said looking away.
“Relax.” She pulled down her skirt to reveal a tight pair of work out shorts. She tossed her skirt into the closet and slipped on socks and sneakers.
