by Faye McCray
I thought of Allison. How she looked first thing in the morning, peeking at me from beneath my covers, asking me to hit the snooze button one more time before we woke up. I thought of her splashing me with bubbles and stealing kisses from me at work. I smiled to myself and took a drink of the remaining white wine in my glass. I looked over at Jayna who whispered something in her husband’s ear, and they both laughed. Had I not run into Kerry that afternoon, Allison would have been beside me.
How could I have been so stupid?
“The bride and groom would like you to feel free to join them on the dance floor,” the DJs melodic voice announced into the microphone about half way through the song. Couples slowly began to make their way to the floor. I was surprised to see Jayna making her way towards me.
“Want to dance?” she asked. She smiled and did an exaggerated shimmy. I laughed.
“You sure it’s okay with Mr. Jayna?” I asked gesturing towards her husband.
“Javi is a very secure man.” She grinned. “He knows I’m not going anywhere.”
I smiled and met her on the dance floor.
Jayna felt good in my arms. Even though we no longer had it in us to cross that line, the chemistry between us remained. She was still gorgeous, but the wildness that had once twinkled from her eyes had dimmed. She looked at me with a quiet self-assuredness that I didn’t recognize. She certainly was not the same girl I had known in college. I was happy for it.
“So, how are you?” she asked as we swayed to the music.
“Good.” I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. We had been through a lot together. Too much. It felt strange to be playing grown up. She smiled back.
“How are you?” I asked her. I glanced at her husband. He was picking at a plate of hors d’oeuvres and making small talk with a middle-aged male guest.
“So good,” she said grinning. “We had a baby girl a month ago. Her name is Elise.”
“You just had a baby?” I asked pulling away from her slightly taking her in. Her form fitting dressed looked poured onto her curvy body. I couldn’t imagine Allison getting her old body back that quickly.
“Nate,” she chastised playfully, checking to see if her husband was looking.
“What?” I laughed and looked back at her face. “That was purely innocent…. but, if you want to sneak to the bathroom…” I added.
“Wow,” she said laughing. I laughed, too. Remembering.
“But really, how are you? I heard some things through Ana.”
“Good. Things just haven’t turned out how I expected,” I started. Thinking better of my revelation, I grew silent. We were quiet for a moment, swaying to the rhythm of the more up-tempo song that had just begun.
“You know, that’s not always a bad thing,” she said breaking the silence between us. “Sometimes what you want is not always what you need.”
“When did you get so wise?”
She laughed. “Since I made peace with my own advice.”
I looked over at Phil who dipped Ana. They both laughed and kissed. I looked back at Jayna. She smiled.
“I’d like my wife back,” Javier said approaching. His stoic façade betrayed by the comedic glint in his eyes. It was clear Javier didn’t feel threatened. Looking at Jayna, I knew he had no reason to be.
“You never lost me, Javi,” Jayna said giggling. She released me and glided into his arms. “Take care, Nate.”
I nodded and headed outside to get some air.
***
I stood outside the boathouse smoking a cigarette before heading back in for the first course. The lake outside the boathouse was calm, and it reflected the soft lights coming from inside and the shadows of the trees that hugged its borders. The unreachable Manhattan skyline peaked out above the trees, and the lights shined like stars against the night sky. I could hear the mumble of the voices inside the boathouse like the hum of crickets. I took a moment to breathe in the stillness of the night, the complexities of my thoughts unraveling in my mind. My actions during the last few months replaying again and again, like a really bad song.
From seeing Kerry that morning in Gristedes to walking away from Allison after we made love to making a complete fool out of myself at Fordham, I was haunted by my foolish choices. My father’s regret had scared me. I didn’t want to end up like him. Stuck regretting the choices I made and taking it out on everyone that happened to be in my life. Especially my daughter. I was setting myself up to do just that.
Truth was, I loved Allison. I could talk to her the way I had never talked to Kerry, and she understood. The way Kerry never could. Maybe that was why being with her scared me so much.
“There you are.”
I looked up and Phil stepped outside. “After the first course, we’ll start the toasts. I hope you’re prepared to tell everyone how awesome I am.”
I laughed.
“You okay, man? You looked pretty fucked up this morning.”
I nodded offering him a cigarette. He shook his head. “I just fucked everything up. You know how I am.”
He put his hands in his pockets and looked out over the lake. “Yeah, I do, Nate. I know you’re a good guy who sometimes fucks up. But just because something’s broken doesn’t mean you can’t fix it.”
“Yea, but me and Kerry-”
“I’m not talking about you and Kerry. Allison loves you. She gets how you grew up and laughs at your dumb ass jokes. More importantly, she’s carrying your child. You have a good thing with her. Just because she isn’t Kerry doesn’t make her your consolation prize.”
I took a slow drag of my cigarette thinking about his words. Just then, the door opened. Ana’s brother peaked his head out. “They’re about to serve the first course.”
Phil nodded, and I put out my cigarette. “And she has one of those big asses you like,” he added as I followed him in.
“Are you seriously talking about her ass?”
“I’m trying to make you feel better.” We laughed as we headed back into the hall.
***
After everyone had been served their first course, I rose to give my speech. The room grew eerily silent, and all eyes fell on me. I held my glass of champagne tight as I searched for the right words to begin. Phil looked at me with a smile in his eyes. Ana looked like she was holding her breath.
“I’m going to keep this short because I’m not a big talker.” Shit, that sounded dumb. “You sure I can’t drink this before I start the toast?” I asked Phil. He shook his head. Everyone laughed. “Phil and I met our first year of college. He was… in a bit of a panic.” Phil looked at me, his eyes wide and mortified. I chuckled. “And I… well, I was lost.” I took a deep breath. “Throughout the time he has known me, I haven’t always been the best friend to him. I’ve done some things I am not proud of.” I looked briefly to Jayna. “And some things… let’s just say, I have a lot of regrets. Throughout it all, Phil has continued to be a friend to me. He has made it clear that some relationships are unconditional. He’s always been there… through the ups and downs and my many, many faults. I never really had that,” I added, clearing my throat. I looked over at Ana who smiled. “Anyway, I know Phil will make you happy, Ana. He’s my best friend. And honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better one.” I concluded. “Cheers.” I held my glass in the air. Everyone did the same. Phil stood up and embraced me as his guests began to applaud. His hug was big and hearty.
“I think that’s the most I ever heard him say,” Phil said. Everyone laughed as I hugged Ana.
***
About half way into our first course, my phone began to buzz in my pocket. I looked down and it was a number I didn’t recognize. I ignored it but less than a minute later it began to buzz again. I picked up.
“Hey Nate. It’s Max.”
I held my breath, terrified something had happened to Natalie or Cole. “Hey.”
“Allison’s in labor.” It sounded like she was whispering. “We’re at New York Presbyterian in
Harlem. She didn’t want you to know but Natalie told me to call you anyway. Natalie’s with Allison and her mom in the delivery room.”
“Thanks, Max,” I said before hanging up.
I turned to Phil just as he put a spoonful of tomato bisque in his mouth. “I have to go.” “What? After all that stuff in your speech…” he began in a loud whisper.
“Allison’s in labor.”
“Allison’s in labor?”
Overhearing, Ana turned to us. “Oh my God!”
“I have to go,” I said looking at her. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded.
“Go, man.” Phil said.
I got up, running out of the reception hall.
“Nate’s about to be a father, everyone!” I heard Phil announce as the door closed after me.
***
I ran out of the boathouse so fast, I hadn’t stopped to consider whether I should actually go. My cab ride over was muddled in insecurity. I almost told the cab driver to just head to my address at least three times. Allison had every reason in the world to not want me there. My self-doubt being at the top of that list.
I was scared.
Scared of seeing her. Seeing the baby. Scared of continuing to be everything I knew I was and never anything more.
“Hey kid, I’m your dad,” I imagined myself saying to my newborn daughter. “I have a college degree but I work in a grocery store. I cheated on every woman who I’ve ever loved, and I just might be an alcoholic.”
I stopped short of the entrance to the hospital on this thought alone.
I took a deep breath and plunged into the revolving doors. Filling out my visitor’s pass at the security desk and making my way to labor and delivery.
“Who’re you to the patient, sir?” A rosy-cheeked nurse in pink and white scrubs asked after I gave her Allison’s name.
“I’m…”
“He’s the father.”
I looked over and Max stood in the threshold of a small waiting room.
“Congratulations,” the nurse said. She placed her hand on my shoulder before walking back towards the nursing station.
“She’s in there,” Max said gesturing towards a blue door with the number ‘6’ on it.
I nodded, suddenly feeling dizzy and in danger of losing my footing. Max took a step closer to me.
“You good?” Max stared at me intensely over the rim of her dark-framed glasses. I looked inside the waiting room at Cole. He was sitting on his knees on the waiting room floor, coloring furiously on a piece of paper. He looked up at me and smiled.
“Uncle Nate!”
“Hey man,” I said, smiling. He waved and went back to coloring. I stared back at Allison’s door.
“Nate?” Max put her hand on my arm. “Are you good?”
I breathed in, holding the air in my lungs and then releasing it through a long gust out my lips.
“Yea,” I said placing both hands in front of me and pushing open the hospital room door.
Allison’s hospital room was so quiet I could hear my own heartbeat as I walked towards her. Buried beneath the white hospital linen, you could barely see her pregnant belly. Her mother stood at her side stroking her hair. They both looked flushed and Allison’s forehead was wet with sweat. Her long hair was piled on top of her head and a few tendrils hung lose around her neck. She noticed me first. She took a sip of the water she held in her hand and handed it back to her mother. Natalie stood at the foot of the bed. She smiled at me as I walked towards them. She looked relieved that I was there – as if she had wagered a bet I would be there but had been doubtful I would show.
“You have some nerve showing up here,” her mother began. Her face distorted so all her wrinkles showed and she marched towards me with her finger wagging. I looked at her and then back to Allison. Allison wiped a tear that escaped from the corner of her eye.
“Ma,” Allison chastised. Her voice was weak. I walked past her mother to stand at her side.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I sat down on the bed beside her and reached out to wipe the sweat from her face. Thinking better of it, I lowered my hand.
“Of course she’s not-” her mother started.
“Let’s give them a minute,” Natalie said trying to take her hand.
She snatched her hand away. “No, I’m not going anywhere” she continued. “Somebody needs to tell this idiot about himself. If you think I’m going to let you come in and out of my granddaughter’s life the way you did with my daughter, you’re crazy. What kind of sorry excuse for a man walks away from his pregnant girlfriend? You think you can just show up here after…”
“Ma,” Allison said again. She raised her voice as much as she could manage, letting her head fall back against her pillow. “It’s okay. We need to talk.”
Natalie flashed me a look and headed to the door. Allison’s mother followed begrudgingly.
“I will be right outside,” she said. It sounded like a threat.
We sat in silence for a moment before I spoke. “I don’t know what to say, Allison.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “That’s not surprising.”
I sighed. “I don’t know why I do the shit I do.” I held my face in my hands for a moment before continuing. “I’ve made so many mistakes. Most of which, I knew were mistakes when I was making them. So I guess that means they weren’t mistakes…”
“Nate…”
“Let me finish.” I turned to face her. “You were right about me. I’m fucked up, Ally. I have ruined everything good that has ever come into my life because I don’t expect it to last. I guess a part of me never really believed I could be anything but a fuck up. I feel like that’s who everybody expects me to be.”
“I don’t.”
I nodded. “I don’t want to be fucked up anymore, Ally. I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I can’t take away what I did or who I have been the last few weeks. I just want… I just need a second chance to make this right.” I needed to make something right.
I reached out to touch her face and she leaned forward so our foreheads touched. We sat like that for a moment before I kissed her. She kissed me back for moment and then pulled away, raised her hand and struck me hard in the face. She looked more shocked than I was that she had done it.
“Ally…” I said drawing back, the sting lingering on my cheek.
“I cried myself to sleep every night,” she began, tears pouring from her eyes. “Every night, Nate.”
“I’m so sorry…”
“I know you aren’t perfect,” she continued. “Neither am I. We both know what it is to feel pain in a way most people don’t. But, I believed in you. I believed in us. I just needed you to believe in us too.”
“I do, baby. I do,” I began. “I want us back. I need you. I love you, Ally. So much.” I put my hand to her cheek cautiously and kissed her forehead, then her cheeks, and then her chin. She smiled, the tears still pouring from her eyes. I hesitated before kissing her lips and she leaned in and kissed me. We kissed for a moment before I pulled her into my embrace, holding her tightly into my chest.
She pulled away and ran her fingers under my jacket lapel. “I forgot the wedding was today.”
“You’ve been busy.”
Just then the door to her delivery room opened, I looked up expecting to see her mother barreling in with more finger waving and harsh words. Instead a nurse glided into the room holding a baby wrapped in a pink blanket.
“Oh my god,” I muttered. “Is that…”
I looked back at Allison and she nodded. “Meet Laura Vivienne Best.”
Laura? I looked at Allison and she smiled at me. “Natalie told me all about her.”
I stood up and shoved my hands in my pockets, instantly feeling like I would collapse back on bed. I felt overcome. Unable to focus or speak. The smiling nurse walked towards me holding the little pink baby. Her eyes, mouth and nose were barely visible beneath the oversized blanket.
“Is this Dad?”
The nurse asked Allison.
“Yes,” Allison said smiling. Her whole face lit up as she looked at Laura.
“When?” My voice cracked and I couldn’t take my eyes off our baby nestled in the nurse’s arms.
“She was born about an hour ago. She was with the pediatrician,” Allison explained.
“Do you want to hold her, Dad?” The nurse asked.
I pulled my hands out of my pockets and sat down. Before I could change my mind, she placed the baby in my arms and left the room.
She was so small. Overwhelmed, the tears came pouring down my face.
“I’m the dad. I’m your dad…” I muttered looking down at our daughter’s pink face. Allison leaned forward and rubbed her hand on my back. Quiet tears ran down her face. I looked back at Laura who squirmed in my arms, her strong little feet kicking their way out from beneath the blanket. She opened her big eyes wide and looked at me as if trying to focus on my face. Allison rested her head against my shoulder. She felt good beside me and Laura felt amazing in my arms.
“I think I could do this, Ally. I think we could be a family.”
She looked up at me and smiled. The tears wetting her chin. “We already are, Nate.”
She tilted her face towards me, and I kissed her lips.
The End
