Somewhere I can stop and peel off my skin.
“Hey,” Ethan calls after me.
I push through a GUESTS ONLY door that leads into a hallway. It’s vacant, but not far enough away. A few moments later, the door opens again. Ethan’s gaining on me with those ridiculously long legs. I take another corner.
My mind is frazzled.
I’m shaking.
I thought Jasper wasn’t that kind of guy.
I’m so mad at myself. Why did I clam up? I saw what was happening. Why didn’t I yell at him to take his hands off me? I shouldn’t have let him hug me in the first place. Was it my fault? Did I—
“Imogen.”
Ethan grabs me gently by the forearm to stop me.
“I’m fine,” I say, and his impassive face twitches in agitation. He knows I’m lying. I grit my teeth. He hasn’t cared about me so far in this charade. Why should he start now? “I don’t need you to protect me—I mean, Jessica.”
His eyebrows furrow, and he drops his hand from my arm. “Of course.”
How often does that happen to Jess? I want to ask, but I’m also a little scared to know. I curl my fingers around the sides of my blue dress so Ethan can’t see them shaking. “I had it under control. I didn’t need you to come to my rescue. I was fine.”
“Imogen…”
“I’m Jessica right now,” I snap, “and I said I was fine.”
“You were not fine.”
I am vibrating with anger. “WHY DO YOU CARE NOW?” I scream. “I’m just some stupid peasant pretending to be a princess. A nobody who isn’t worth your time.”
I hurt him just then, I know I did, but hurting him feels like scratching a sunburn when it itches. It feels awful, but it’s a relief, too.
“Excuse me,” I mumble, and I don’t even wait for him to argue. I escape down the hallway and through another set of doors, and he doesn’t follow. I’m not sure where I’m going—I’m heading in the direction of the Green Room, but I don’t want to go there. I want to rake my fingers across my skin and peel myself back, or drown in a marathon of Starfield and forget about Jasper, or—
“Jessica?”
I blink and realize I’m outside the Green Room, my hand on the doorknob. I let go and turn toward the voice.
Vance Reigns smiles around a toothpick, and it’s disarming and sincere and he doesn’t know what I’ve just been through. He’s oblivious to it. In his perception of the world, it never happened.
“Is something the matter?” Vance asks gently.
I fix on a plastic smile, and I hope he doesn’t see it slipping. “I’m fine. What’re you doing here?”
He shrugs and hoists a black backpack higher on his shoulder. “I was going to watch your panel earlier but…”
“It didn’t quite go as planned.”
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Of course—why wouldn’t I be?”
He pulls his hand through his gorgeous blond hair. “I tried to call your hotel room last night after I got in from a dinner I had to go to, but you never called me back. It was late, though. I’m sorry.”
Late. He must have called while I was in the pool, or at the diner with Milo and Bran. But he’d called. I hadn’t even thought to check the answering machine when I went to grab my bag, but then again I doubt Ethan would’ve approved. He’d said as much about Vance Reigns.
Which is funny, because Vance has been nicer to me than Ethan will ever be.
“It’s okay,” I reply softly. I begin to walk around him, but he grabs my arm to stop me.
“Whoa whoa whoa, Stone. Where’re you heading?”
“Hotel, probably.”
“How about not?” He smiles again, and the last few moments with Ethan wash away. Vance loops my arm into his like a new Doctor claiming his companion. “Wanna go grab a bite with me, Jessica Stone? I feel like you might need a break.”
I hesitate because that does sound nice. A bite to eat away from the convention. A quiet place to think and regroup.
With Vance Reigns.
I might be a ball of confliction, but I am not dead.
“Please,” I reply, trying not to sound too desperate.
AS I MAKE MY WAY BACK TO Harper’s booth, I can’t help but take stock of the damage that’s been done. The comments on my social are only getting worse.
Every time I delete one, two more take its place. Calling me names, critiquing my body, and my bones, and my career. This is just the thing I didn’t want. Just the thing I tried to stay out of. But really, I should’ve known it would come to this. Because I’m not just a woman in Hollywood, I’m a woman in fantasy/sci-fi Hollywood. Not only are the roles less prestigious, they’re subject to the criticisms of trolls who are dissatisfied with my accomplishments, my looks, my talent, my breast size—and who blame me for anything and everything they find wrong. What’s worse, I know this is just a small portion of them, because I am white and straight-passing. Actresses of color get mobbed for merely existing.
“I hate this,” I whisper, and quickly shove my phone into my pocket. I want to rake my hands through my hair but I can’t because I have this stupid beanie on. The convention is so loud, I can’t hear myself think. People stare at me even though I don’t want them to. Nothing is private. There’s nowhere I can escape.
Ultimately, my feet find their way back to Harper’s booth. She looks up from her Obi-Wan commission. “Something up?”
Another chance for me to tell her the truth. That I’m Jessica Stone. That I’ve lied to her, and I’m sorry, and my life is falling apart and I’m not even present to watch it crumble.
And deep down, I don’t want to be.
“No,” I lie.
“Well, whatever is not up,” Harper tries to soothe me, “it’ll be fine. There’s a quote that I like to always remember—”
“‘It’s fine’?”
She scowls good-naturedly. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
“It is a leaf on the wind—”
“‘You are not alone, ah’blena,’” she says, quoting a line I know all too well. It’s what Carmindor says to Princess Amara during one of the Nox King’s infamous galas. Two-thirds into the movie, before the Black Nebula ruptures and the princess has to sacrifice herself to save the galaxy.
And it’s the exact quote that makes my lips wobble. I push up my glasses and look away.
Harper closes her sketchpad in alarm. “There is something wrong.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“I can’t,” I reply, pushing my fingertips under my glasses to wipe away the tears I am definitely not shedding right now. Keep it together, Jessica. Keep it together. “You won’t understand.”
Harper exhales an aggravated sigh. “You’re right—if you don’t tell me, I’ll never understand. I don’t know what’s come over you these past few days, but you definitely aren’t as happy as you seemed to be, and I know something’s wrong.”
Oh, was Imogen that much of a ray of sunshine?
I shake my head. “Do you know what it’s like to put everything you have into something—like a project, or a character—and it’s just never enough for anyone? Knowing that, no matter what you do, you’ll never live up to the expectations in other people’s heads?”
“That’s a tough spot to be in,” Harper says, cocking her head and taking a moment to consider her response. “I think you should just live up to the expectations in your own head first, because you’re always hardest on yourself. At least that’s how I feel when I’m trying to write my comics.”
I fidget uncomfortably and chew on my bottom lip. “It is?”
“I think it’s bullshit that the only meaningful stories are the ones that are deep and pondering and boring, saying all this nonsense without ever saying anything, and you’re supposed to, like, read meaning into the yellow wallpaper or something.” She rolls her eyes. “You know what I think? I think sometimes the stories we need are the ones about
taking the hobbits to Isengard and dog-human dudes with space heelies and trashy King Arthurs and gay ice-skating animes and Zuko redemption arcs and space princesses with found families and galaxies far, far away. We need those stories, too. Stories that tell us that we can be bold and brash and make mistakes and still come out better on the other side. Those are the kinds of stories I want to see, and read, and tell. ‘Look to the stars. Aim. Ignite’—that means something to me, you know?”
No, I don’t. But…I want to.
Harper takes my hand and squeezes it tightly, giving me the courage I need. “Harper, I need to tell you something—”
“Jessica Stone?” a voice interrupts.
I glance up, and on the other side of the booth table is that interviewer from my first day at this con—the woman with the candy-apple-red glasses and the off-script questions. The journalist who made me humiliate myself in front of Natalia Ford. I quickly push my glasses up on my face. “I think you have the wrong—”
“You are! I’d know that face anywhere. What’re you doing here?” Her eyes grow hungry as she drinks me in like her next paycheck. She’s starting to attract the attention of other people in the aisle.
“Dude, I think that’s her,” a Deadpool says to another Deadpool. “Look at the mole on her left cheek!”
I quickly jump to my feet, covering the mole with my hand. Really—now is when people notice it?
The journalist presses on. “Aren’t you supposed to be at a meet-and-greet?” Then her eyes slip to Harper. “And who’s she?”
“Imogen?” Harper asks, giving me a strange look. “What’s happening? Who’s this woman?”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and my eyes burn because I’m on the verge of tears, and this is not how I want to be seen in public. This is not how Jessica Stone is seen in public. My chest begins to tighten as I stumble out from behind the booth. “I’m so sorry—”
The first phone camera flashes and I flinch.
I can barely breathe. No, I think. No, this isn’t how this is supposed to happen.
“Excuse me,” I mutter, forcing my way through the gathering crowd, leaving Harper at her booth, surrounded by the chorus of my name.
“Jess! What do you think of the script?” someone shouts.
“Isn’t she at a meet-and-greet?”
“Can I have your autograph?”
“I LOVE YOU JESSICA STONE!”
But all I can hear are the Instagram comments, and all I can see are the Photoshopped images from trolls online. The crowd begins to follow me, and even more people turn to watch. My brown hair is slipping out of my beanie, and I don’t have time to push it back up again.
I break into a run—and they follow.
Please stop, I beg. Stop following me.
Turning down the last artists’ aisle, where the plushies are, I mutter a plea for forgiveness before I toss the entire rack onto the floor in the hopes of blocking the crowd from pursuing me—or at least slowing them down.
The girl in the booth looks up from her smartphone just in time to see me knock over the rack and squawks, “NO!”
But the plushies tumble across the floor, and I sprint toward the emergency exit twenty feet away. The art-deco carpet swims in my vision, and I can’t seem to catch my breath.
If I’d never thrown away that script, if I’d never thought of this foolish idea to have Imogen impersonate me, if I’d just breathed and kept to myself and pushed my feelings down beneath my toes and not fallen for Harper Hart, then I wouldn’t be in this situation.
But I can’t get the look on Harper’s face out of my mind, the confusion morphing into betrayal as she realized who I was. The kind of person I am. How long I’ve lied to her. Oh God, I lied to her and that’s unforgivable and I can feel a bit of my heart breaking because I remember how she looked this morning as the sunlight poured through the curtains, her face inches from mine as we whispered to each other, “Good morning.”
And it hurts.
It hurts so much because I was—
I was—
I was happy.
And now I am unraveling stitch by stitch.
I don’t stop running until I shove open the hotel doors and stumble out onto the sidewalk. It’s pouring rain outside. My flats get soaked the second I step into a puddle, but I can’t stop because a few people are still following me. Haven’t they gotten the hint?
Just leave me alone!
I wrap my arms around myself as I bound off the curb and make my way across the street to my hotel—
A car horn blares.
I jerk toward the sound, headlights blinding, tires squealing. The burning smell of tires punctures the scent of muggy rain on asphalt as a black car screeches to a stop just inches away from me.
I stare at the car.
The back passenger door opens and out steps Natalia Ford, her gray hair pinned into a bun atop her head. She’s wearing a shirt covered in a pattern of tiny artistically rendered middle fingers and a blood-red ascot.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
A clash of thunder rumbles overhead, reverberating between the tall buildings. Behind me, a few fans and the journalist burst through the doors in search of me.
Natalia tilts her head and steps back into the car, which I take as a sign to join her. I round the car, open the door, and slide in. The car drives away before my fans realize which way I’ve gone; I watch them disappear in the rear window as we take a side street out of downtown Atlanta and away from the convention.
“You know, I’ve heard rumors that you dislike conventions,” Natalia says, “but sweetheart, tossing yourself into traffic isn’t quite the best way to get your point across.” She crosses one leg over the other and I notice Stubbles perched in her lap, staring at me with jaded green eyes.
“I wasn’t looking,” I reply. I don’t realize it at first, but I’m shivering.
Natalia turns up the heat. The windshield wipers knock back and forth, the constant thrum of the rain dampening the sound of my chattering teeth. Her white-goateed driver faces forward, wearing a slick black suit. There are rumors that he’s also her, um, boyfriend, which reminds me a little too much of The Princess Diaries—except with Julie Andrews replaced by Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada.
“Thank you, Ms. Ford,” I say after a moment.
“For what?” She slides her hazel gaze over to me. It’s just as sharp as her tongue. “I merely almost ran you over and then you decided to get into my car.”
Oh. I clear my throat and reach for the door handle. “You can tell your driver to stop anywhere and I’ll get out—”
“Don’t be silly. We’re going much too fast. Plus there’s a paparazzo trailing us.”
I glance behind me, and sure enough a black SUV with tinted windows is following us a few cars behind. “I didn’t even realize. How did you know it was there?”
“I might be an ancient Hollywood actress who has no career to speak of, but I have dated enough starstruck manbabies to sense a camera from a hundred feet away.”
“I honestly wasn’t thinking when I said that in the interview,” I say, but she waves me off.
“Don’t apologize. If you apologize for everything, then your apologies will never mean anything. That woman was drilling you terribly hard. What did you do, interrupt her flirting with your costar?”
Is she…joking? Is Natalia Ford trying to crack a joke? I can’t tell. Talking to her is like playing poker with the Godfather. “I…might have. Or I said something wrong. Or any number of things that I can’t really remember doing—jeez, this convention is driving me insane. I’m not usually like this. I’m cool and composed. I don’t flub interviews. I don’t offend other people…How did you do it?” I ask, looking over at her. The leather seats are warming up, and I’m not shivering anymore. “How did you survive all of this? All of the fans hating you?”
“When I played Amara, there were barely message boards on an old dial-up computer. I didn’t have to worry ab
out the general public giving me an earful of critique I didn’t need. But now all you young people are socially connected to everything. Your fans have you at their fingertips. It must be a nightmare.”
Her hairless cat slinks over to me and curls up in my lap, purring like a contented pet. Gently, I drop my hand down to pat it, but it hisses and swipes at me with claws out. Mixed message received.
“Nostalgia’s a hell of a drug,” she says after a long pause.
“And the greatest honor,” I add wryly, “a female character can have is death. Especially a useful one.”
A spark ignites in Natalia’s eyes, and she turns to face me. Her cat slinks over into her lap again and begins kneading her legs with its long, lethal claws. “Yet it isn’t an honor at all, is it?”
“No—and it’s not just Starfield. Even after this, if there is an after this for me, in the next film I’m either going to be fridged, or I’ll be cast as a forty-year-old actor’s love interest, or I’ll become that quirky secondary character. Or I’ll just be nothing. That’s all I’ll be. That’s all Starfield will ever be.”
“Then change it.”
“Change it?” I want to laugh, and the cat’s ears airplane back because my voice is high and brittle. “You’re kidding, right? What can I do? I just want to make a difference. I just want to be part of movies that mean something—”
My voice catches in my throat as I remember Harper’s words: Sometimes the stories we need…
Natalia gives me a keen look.
“I have to find Imogen,” I whisper, and I order the driver to pull over. I’m somewhere in the outskirts of Atlanta, I can call a taxi to take me back to the convention, but Natalia motions for her driver to keep going. “Ms. Ford, I need to get back to the convention—”
“I would suggest you check the diner on the corner of the next street.”
I look at her blankly.
She produces a smartphone from her purse and turns it on. She shows me a gossip site—and its lead photo.
Imogen and Vance Reigns.
“I think you need to save her.”
“Starflame!” I hiss, and before the car even stops I’ve shoved the door open and am hopping out. “Thank you!” I call over my shoulder, and she waves dismissively until I close the door and the car moves on.
The Princess and the Fangirl Page 19
