by Lacey Silks
“You didn’t have sex in the cave?” Miriam asked.
“No.”
Was that important? I’d wanted to sleep with Scar. He wanted to sleep with me as well, he even admitted it. But at that time in my life, I was still responsible, and the lack of a condom in a cave prevented us from going all the way.
“Julia, you know that you don’t need to have sex to feel an emotional attachment to someone. How did it make you feel when he left?”
As a psychologist, Miriam always knew the right questions to ask. Her firsthand experience of walking in on her husband with another woman in her bed, and her being able to save her marriage, was definitely something to aspire to. I didn’t think I had that kind of forgiveness inside me.
“He made me not want to feel. I mean, what was the point? The two times I’d felt something in my life was when I was eighteen and had to leave him for university, and then when he left me after we were rescued from that cave, with nothing more than a note.”
“Those are both negative ways to feel, Julia. Did you blame him for what happened to you after he left?”
If I were honest with myself, I’d say yes. Scar drove me to it. I slept with other men trying to find that euphoric feeling I remembered with Scar. It was stupid and childish and immature. I should have been better at controlling my impulses.
“I think so. But I think it’s just an excuse for my actions.”
“What about other times, other relationships?”
“All my relationships were... well, I actually haven’t done relationships in over six years. Only no-strings-attached flings.”
Fucks, I corrected in my mind.
“And I would never sleep with the same person more than once.”
I wanted to bury my head in the sand. Saying this out loud made me feel like a whore all over again.
“This is a safe place, Julia. I know we’ve heard this when you first came to the group, but everyone has a difficult time preventing relapses. Going over what you’ve been through and understanding your triggers will help you deal with this.”
Was Scar my trigger? Would I relapse because of him? No, I couldn’t blame someone else for my actions; even if they influenced the way I lived and behaved. All choices were mine. They were mistakes I had to live with.
“I fell into an unhealthy pattern because I didn’t want to feel hurt again. I controlled who I slept with, I took what I wanted, and ended anything before it even began. That is until I lost that control.” I realized that when I woke up at the hospital half-dead, and Chris was treating the wounds all over my body. “I mean, that’s why I came here. I needed to get a handle on my addiction, and I was beginning to accept that monogamy was not possible for me. I would remain on my own, which was fine... and then I saw him again and all my fears came back. It’s all so confusing. I’m two years shy of turning thirty, and I feel like a silly teenager with loose screws in her brain, and I can’t decide whether I should pursue a possible relationship with the man I’m so attracted to.”
I got a few chuckles out of the group. Getting all the emotions off my chest was the perfect way to start healing. But the fact was that I couldn’t look at Scar without feeling everything tighten and tingle inside me. In his company, I turned into someone else – the woman I desperately fought not to be. But maybe the line I drew was too firm. Knowing I had changed, when I sought him out in that strip club I wanted to see whether there was any hope for us. And it appeared that he felt the same way. Despite his beliefs in infidelity, he was willing to give us a try. I felt more healed each time I saw him than after any therapy.
“It sounds like you’re running on an emotional high. So you haven’t slept with him, right?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Considering your past, that’s a positive outcome. Considering what he means to you, it could be a mistake.”
Did she just say I should sleep with Scar?
“Think about it, Julia. A sexual connection can be good. For the past six years you’ve associated it with a negative experience. Maybe it’s time to give up that control to someone you trust, and experience sex in a new light.”
She did!
In the past, any man I had been attracted to was a lost cause if I wanted him. When I had that need, I was like a black widow, spinning a web of lust to court him. It took hours, and embarrassingly sometimes minutes, between our first meeting and when we fucked. And that would be it. Over and done with, and I’d move on to the next lay. I didn’t want to use Scar that way. But Scar was not just any man. He was... my Scar.
“How do you feel about this man now?”
“He’s as handsome as they get, and I can’t stop thinking about him.” I shook my head in my own disbelief as the memory of his mouth-watering body at the hospital and the club flashed through my mind. I sighed and lowered my shoulders. “We agreed to take some time to think about a potential relationship. He sent me a vibrator that he controls with his phone and made me come three times per day in the past two days. I’m afraid I’ll get addicted to the wonderful feeling all over again. But I want more. I want him.”
“There’s nothing wrong with climaxing if it doesn’t affect your job, family, and life. So long as you’re not skipping work to have an orgasm, or avoiding family, you’re fine. It’s natural and healthy.”
“You are one lucky woman,” one of the ladies whispered. “I haven’t had an orgasm in eight months. I feel like my body’s forgetting what it felt like to have one.”
“We’ll get to you next, Tracy. I’m sure Julia can recommend a good vibrator.” Nothing escaped Miriam’s attention. She turned back to me, asking, “You’ve resisted his physical advances so far?”
Barely.
“How do I know whether I’m ready for a relationship?” I asked. “What are the steps we follow? When do we hit first, second, or third base? I mean, I don’t know how dating works. I’m afraid I’ll fail him and me at the same time, and everything will crumble.”
“Backward steps are unavoidable. I would advise to follow your instinct. It sounds like you found someone who may be worth the risk.”
“Really?” For the first time that night I felt hope blossom in my chest. Everyone in the circle nodded.
“I think your biggest test will be maintaining a relationship with him and not going back to the old ways. You said you haven’t slept with the same man more than once. Do you think you could do so with this man?”
“He’s the reason I haven’t slept with anyone more than once. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I don’t think relationships could get better than the one I could potentially have with Scar. I’m just afraid I’ll hurt him. It’s all very confusing. I’m a doctor. I help people. My knowledge heals them. I’m not supposed to feel so broken and helpless inside.”
“Doctors have the right to feel confused just like anyone else. You need sex, but don’t want it because you’re afraid it’s your addiction. I’d stay clear of the strip club if I were you. I see too many possibilities there. But if you’re agreeing to take things slow, I think you should give this guy a try.” Kirsten, who’d been sitting on my left side, spoke up. She had been cheating on her husband for five months before she came to this group. She’d since vowed to save her marriage.
“Even if it means I’ll break his heart?”
“Isn’t finding true love worth it? You need to do what’s good for you first. And it sounds like this man gets you. Trust me, it’s hard to find one of those out in the real world.” Kirsten took my hand and squeezed it.
“Thank you.”
It felt so good to get all this off my chest. That afternoon’s meeting gave me a new resolve. Just as I was about to open my mouth, a new girl peeked in from behind the door. Her hair was tied back in a pony tail, and her eyes appeared puffy, as if she’d been crying day and night.
“Hi, is this the Cheater’s Anonymous group?” she asked.
“Yes, please come in.” Miriam waved her over.
&
nbsp; “I’m sorry I’m late, but I had a difficult time finding this place.”
Everyone chuckled. Each one of us had been late the first time coming here as the building didn’t have the street number posted on its front.
“You’re not the first one.” Kirsten pulled up a chair between the two of us.
She sat down, took a deep breath in, and said, “My name is Trish. And I think my fiancé cheated on me.”
It was nothing unusual to hear at the meeting… unless you had much more in common with the person than you knew.
CHAPTER 12
As Trish sat in the chair beside mine, chills swept over my body. The more I looked at her, the more I saw a reflection of my past self in her lost eyes. There was nothing worse than finding out that the person you loved, especially your fiancé, was unfaithful. Which made me feel even worse because I used to be the bitch who instigated such break ups. I used to be the cause of their pain. How could I have taken it upon myself to decide what was right for someone else? The more I thought about it, the lower I sank into my seat. This would be the perfect time for the floor to split open so I could drop into the pit of hell.
“What makes you think your fiancé is cheating?” Miriam asked.
“He’s always had a wandering eye, and insisted there was nothing wrong with looking and not touching. And I was okay with that. I mean, if I see a good looking guy, my head will turn as well.”
Oh, man! She was already making excuses for him.
“He’s not the only one who made a mistake that night either. I went farther than I should have as well.”
“Okay, start at the beginning, Trish. This is a safe place to talk,” Miriam encouraged.
“We went out last weekend to a club. He goes there quite often and wanted to show me the place. He disappeared for a while, left me at the bar. My girlfriend said she saw him with another woman. I confronted him, he denied it, but then I found a new phone number on his cell, and he’s been very distant.”
“Has this happened before, Trish? And have you approached him about it?” I asked. There was something in the way she spoke about him that shook my nerves. I wanted to blurt out that he didn’t deserve her and that she could do much better, but that was the old me who would have said anything to break a couple apart, so I just kept my mouth shut.
“No, he was different. The entire night just went from bad to worse. When he came back after twenty minutes, he kept looking around, as if he was expecting someone. And then he left me. At one point he just stood up and left me.”
Her shoulders drooped and face fell as if she hit that rock bottom all over again. Unfortunately, she wasn’t done.
“What did you do?” Kirsten leaned forward, resting her elbow on her knees. I was pretty sure everyone else was interested as well. We’d heard each other’s stories so often, they were nothing new. But Trish was like fresh meat at a market, and we wanted to grasp at each bite. Yes, it was selfish, but hopefully the better picture we got, the more we could help her.
“He left and I was mad. Just completely fuming. And that’s when this gorgeous guy came up to me. He was breathtaking.” She sighed, and so did a few other women in the group.
Everyone’s attention was on Trish. I swear it felt like we were all listening to a scandal. It shouldn’t have felt this way. It was wrong. Trish had a serious problem with her fiancé… and it seemed like that wasn’t the only issue.
“We flirted. He bought me a drink. Oh, God, he was so good looking. Dark hair, golden-brown eyes, tanned. I’m pretty sure he works out every day because I’ve never seen muscles like those in my life. And that rose tattoo on his arm. It was mesmerizing.”
I froze.
My stomach turned and my head spun.
This had to be a coincidence. Lots of guys were tattooed these days. I had no time to process her words as she continued, “I didn’t even feel guilty ogling him. Heck, I thought things about him I never thought I would about another man, but he was so easy to talk to. Before the night ended, we went into the corridor. I was tipsy, but I knew what I was doing. Enough to know that he wasn’t taking advantage of me. I wanted it. I’m not sure if it was because I needed revenge or not. That’s what I told myself. But when he touched me, I’d give anything to feel that fire underneath his fingertips lick through me again. I was pinned against the wall. And his hand, it slid up my inner thigh. I was melting, and each time I breathed him in, it was as if I was inhaling lust and desire. His fingers were thick and... so filling.”
She stopped. For a moment it seemed like she was completely lost to the memory and forgot she was telling the story to a bunch of strangers. Her head whipped up, and Trish looked around the room. Everyone stared at Trish, wide-eyed, as tears spilled down her cheeks. Most ladies had crossed their legs and bitten their lower lip.
“I... I couldn’t stop it. I let him fuck me right there. Really hard, so that I could still feel him inside me days later. And I did.”
She broke down.
I shot off my chair and ran into the hallway. This was too much. My mind was going about a hundred miles an hour. Scar wouldn’t do this, would he? Of course he would. It was Scar. And it didn’t matter that he’d just seen me that same evening. He did say that women were clawing at him that night. Was I wrong about him? Oh, God, was I making an excuse for Scar the way Trish was making one for her fiancé?
Miriam was the first one to come get me.
“Julia, are you okay?”
“Yes, just... it’s hitting a lot of memories.”
“Is it too difficult? If you don’t think you can do this, it’s fine to leave, but Trish needs the support.”
“I’m feeling her pain and reliving those one night stands I regret. She’s making a mistake.”
She’s screwing Scar!
“Would you repeat the mistake?”
“Hell, no!”
“You need to tell her that. Maybe instead of running away, it’s time to let your experience heal someone else. What if that guy in the hallway was better for her? Do you realize how often people meet their soul mates through pure circumstance?”
“I don’t believe in soul mates,” I said. Especially ones that involve Scar and another woman.
“Look, let’s just hear her out, Julia. You know better than anyone how much courage it takes to say all that.”
I let out a shaky breath.
The door opened, and Trish popped into the hall, asking. “Did I say something wrong?”
“I’ll leave you two alone. Come join us when you’re ready.”
No! That’s not safe! But Miriam had already gone back inside.
“No, Trish, it’s not you. I just have to go to work.”
That was partly true. I still had plenty of time before my shift. But more importantly, I didn’t want to hear the details of how Scar – the man I was considering dating – had fucked her the same night we reunited.
We stood in the hallway, loud-whispering.
“Then what is it? It just felt like you left because of me.”
Lie. Lie like you’re auditioning for Pinocchio – minus the growing nose, of course.
“Other’s people’s experiences often become my triggers.” Maybe it was just better to get it over with. I gestured toward the room, where whispers were beginning to erupt with possible advice. “Let’s go back inside.”
I sat down in my chair saying, “I’m sorry, Trish. Please continue.”
She hesitated, and Miriam jumped in, prompting, “What happened after you left the club and in the few days since?”
“I left flustered and confused. I tried to tell my fiancé what had happened. I mean, I can’t get married with such lies looming over my head. That’s not the right way to start. But when I talk to him, I’m not sure he can even hear me. It’s like he’s lost in his own world. Almost obsessed with whatever he’s thinking about. I feel so guilty. But at this point, I’m not even sure if we should continue the engagement. I don’t know if I even want to. Now
that I’ve been with this other man...” She shook her head in disbelief. “He made me feel like a different woman. A worthy woman. I need to clean up this mess, and I don’t know how to. I mean, it was just sex, right? I know I made a mistake, but...” Trish looked from one person to another, as if waiting to get looks of disgust. I knew from experience that no one here would judge her. No one would give her anything other than full support. “It didn’t feel like a mistake at all. It felt good. Amazing actually. And I don’t think I can let him go.”
“How long have you two known each other? You and your fiancé?” someone asked.
“Just over a year.”
“It may seem like a long time, but it’s not. People protect themselves by putting up façades and pretend to be someone they’re not. Maybe your fiancé is just beginning to show you who he really is.”
Translation: He’s an asshole, and you’re just realizing it.
“This could have been an eye-opening experience for you.” I bet it was.
I just couldn’t agree that it was a good thing. Not when it meant she’d consider leaving her fiancé for Scar. Yeah, maybe her fiancé was a douche, but that was not my problem. At this point, I felt like a total bitch. Instead of advising her to leave the cheating scum and follow her heart, all I wanted to do was to encourage her to work it out.
I promise that one day I’ll make it up to her.
She was falling for Scar, and I couldn’t blame her. And when had I turned into this pitiful woman who chose a cheater? My throat seized up. I couldn’t even utter a word and barely heard the advice given to her. Something about monogamy being difficult for a lot of people and cleaning up the problems first before starting something new with the guy she met at the club.
My guy.
