"I don't blame you for anything," Rafi said through a mouth that felt made of broken glass. And it was no more than the truth. He blamed only himself.
"Sometimes these things happen," the doctor said, the wisdom and calm of years in his voice. "She has been healthy since, and I'm sure you will have another child, in time. This is but a hiccup. I have every faith, both medically and personally."
He had never hated himself more, Rafi thought as he hung up the phone in a daze. He could only stand there, alone with the shame of what he'd done to her.
Lucy was not lying. She never had been.
Had he known that all along, on some level? Had he wanted to believe that he'd never had a child at all so that he would not have to deal with the crushing sense of loss? Was he that small, that cowardly, that he would sacrifice Lucy to prevent himself from feeling his own pain?
But he knew that he was. That he had.
Rafi sank down on the side of the great bed, buried his head in his hands and gave in, finally, to the grief that he'd staved off for three long months.
Chapter Eight
This time when Lucy woke it was to find herself in Rafi's arms.
For a moment, she forgot. She simply breathed in the scent of him, winter and pine, and exulted in the heat of his strong arms around her. But then she exhaled and it all came rushing back.
"Don't do this!" she hissed at him, tilting her head away to look at him. His dark brows were drawn over his gray eyes, and his mouth was in a flat line. "Just let me go, Rafi."
"If that is what you want," he said in a low, gravelly voice, "I will. But there's something I want to show you first."
She couldn't bear to meet his eyes—to let him see the effect his words had on her. It was one thing to announce she was leaving, to demand a divorce, to want those things. It was something else again to have him accept it. She felt something yawn open inside of her, black and lonely.
Perhaps that was why it took several long moments for her to recognize the change in her surroundings after he'd settled her on the overstuffed chaise in the book-lined library. She schooled her features as best she could and when she looked up…
It was Christmas.
Lucy could not help herself—she gasped.
A small, plump pine tree bristled in the corner, festooned with objects Lucy recognized—the tiny china figures from the display in the blue salon, the small ornamental picture frames that were usually scattered on the tables in the formal sitting room. It was as if someone had gone through the house and picked up whatever was small enough to be fastened to the branches and decorated the tree that way.
Lucy's hands crept over her mouth as she took it in. She turned to stare at the man who had moved to kneel before her, his gray eyes serious.
"What did you do?" she breathed, enchanted despite herself.
"It's Christmas, isn't it?" His voice was gruff.
"You hate Christmas," she pointed out, feeling lightheaded. Off balance. "You think it's—"
"Let me tell you a story," he interrupted gently, running his hands over her legs, gazing up at her. "Isn't that how this goes? Is this how your mother used to do it?"
Lucy was overcome by the swell of an emotion she was afraid might tip her right over. She could only nod, mutely. She could not seem to tear her eyes away from his.
"I was up most of the night," he said in a low voice, his eyes intent on hers, though his were dark, agonized. "It was obvious to me that you were telling the truth last night. Then I spoke with the family doctor, who reiterated everything that you had said, what I should have accepted all along. That you lost our baby, and I abandoned you in your pain. I can never possibly make that up to you. I will spend my life regretting it, Lucy. I promise you."
She could not help the way her eyes glazed over with hot, unshed tears, nor the way her throat seemed to clutch tight. She was not sure she would ever breathe again.
"But as heinous as that was," he continued, his own voice uneven, "I had to look at what was behind it. To the grief that I didn't have the courage to face. And…and to acknowledge what an insufferable snob I'd become. How quick I was to use the circumstances of your birth against you—as if they were any more random than mine. As if either one of us had anything to do with it."
Lucy sucked in a breath then. "You are a Qaderi, Rafi," she said.
"Yes," he said sharply. "I am the head of my family. My cousin will be king one day, and I have every intention of being the power behind his throne. So why should I care what Alakkulian society thinks of my choice of bride? When have I ever allowed outside opinions to dictate my own?"
"Never," she said, her voice catching.
But she hadn't thought she was worthy of him, either. Was that why his dismissal had hurt so much? Because she'd believed his low opinion of her was accurate?
"I let others poison me against you," he continued, "like a man far lesser, far weaker than I would like to believe I am would do." His mouth tightened. "Safir will never work for me again. The others who dared speak against you will regret it. This I promise you."
His warm hands found hers and held them, and he shifted closer, gazing at her in a way she was afraid to believe. Surely she was dreaming. Because she'd dreamed this—or something very like this—a million times before. But he did not disappear when she blinked.
"I never saw you coming," he whispered. "I looked up from the middle of my gray, dutiful life and there you were, Lucy. I had no idea how to handle it. I can't possibly imagine the misery I put you through. I can never make up for it. If you want to leave me, you have every right and reason. I won't fight you."
Lucy could read the sincerity on his hard face, hear it in his voice. His strong hands clasped hers, but gently. She knew that if she pulled away, he would let her go immediately.
There was a part of her that wanted to do just that. A part of her that wanted nothing more than to hurt him. To make him pay. But that part was growing smaller by the second.
Because she loved him. Even after all he'd done, she loved him far more than she wanted his pain. Far more, even, than her own deep wounds. She had long believed that made her the worst kind of fool. But maybe, she thought now, just maybe love was bigger than foolishness, too.
"And what," she asked, her voice the barest whisper, "if I don't want to leave you, after all?"
Powerful emotion moved across his face then, making his beautiful eyes gleam silver. His hands tightened around hers.
"Then I will tell you that I love you," he rasped out. "That I always have, from the first moment I met you. And I will never be ashamed of that again."
She said his name and tasted salt, only then realizing that she was crying.
"I have never had any use for love," he said urgently, hoarsely. "Marriage is supposed to be for political alliance. For power and greed. Love is for fairy tales."
"And for us," she whispered. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead. "For us, Rafi."
When she moved to his mouth, he met her. Their kisses were hesitant at first, then sweeter, hotter, longer. Lucy felt the fire build within her again, shot through this time with the wild joy that he loved her.
Rafi loves me.
She knew that life with this man would never be easy, but as long as he loved her, they could make it work. Would make it work.
And then there was no more thought, only sensation.
Much later, they lay stretched out in front of the fire in the shade of the makeshift Christmas tree he'd put together just for her. Rafi looked down into her face and shuddered slightly at how close he'd come to losing her.
"I don't know how you will ever forgive me," he said fiercely. "I will never forgive myself."
Lucy smiled, her brown eyes shining with the love he did not deserve, the happiness on her lovely face humbling. "You will have to work at it, I think," she said, her voice light. She tangled her fingers in his hair, and drew him down to her. "Every day. It will be hard and difficult work,
Rafi, but then, you are a very determined man. I have faith that someday, you will make it up to me in full."
She was teasing, he knew, but he took her words with all the force of a blood oath. He met her gaze.
"I will," he vowed. "Believe me, Lucy. I will."
She searched his eyes for a moment, her own wide and gleaming, and then nodded. She smiled again.
"Then kiss me," she whispered. "It's Christmas."
THE END
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