by Lois Richer
“How?” Maybe talking about it would help.
“I thought I was secure here. Then one day everything changed.” She sank down on the window seat. “My parents’ divorce came as a great shock to me. I knew we didn’t live the same as everyone else, but somehow I never twigged on to just how different my family’s lives were. Since I’ve come back to the Bay, I’ve begun to realize that I never really dealt with my own feelings about their split.”
“Because?”
“Good question. Maybe because I was too busy worrying about them.” She frowned. “My father seemed like the victim to me. He had nobody else, no other family. He traveled too much to have many close friends. He used to say Serenity Bay was the only place he’d ever retire. It’s sad he didn’t get to do that.”
“You felt guilty because you left him here alone.”
“Yes.” She blinked quickly to clear the tears that glazed her eyes. “I know I couldn’t live here by myself when he was gone. And I really did enjoy school. Rowena and Piper made it fun. Then summer would come.”
“They came back here with you, though.” He had a hunch he knew what was going on beneath the flawless makeup but Michael probed anyway in hopes of helping her clarify her thoughts.
“We all came back. And we had wonderful times. But for me it was a kind of game, a way to erase the pain of my broken family. I used to pretend I was like Rowena, coming home to my dad.”
“But it wasn’t the same?”
“No.” She stared out the window, pensive. “Rowena’s father went away every winter to work in the oil fields. She didn’t have a mother. I did.”
“So when you were with him you felt guilty?”
She nodded.
“And when I wasn’t here I felt guilty. He took the summers off. For two months I was the center of his life, he was here whenever I needed him.”
“And you didn’t like that?”
“Oh, I loved it, because for a little while I could pretend everything was okay.” A tremulous smile lifted her lips. “I adored feeling protected, wanted. More than that, I loved seeing him relax. His face would lose its lines and he’d start to laugh—until the day I had to leave and the sadness returned. Every time I said goodbye I felt like I was abandoning him.”
“Ashley, I’m sure your father didn’t think that.”
“I know. But I did and that’s the problem.” Ashley traced an invisible line on the window, her voice so quiet he had to lean in to hear.
“Piper’s grandparents would take us to school. I’d stand in the living room, in his arms, holding on as long as I could. Then he’d kiss me goodbye and I’d walk out the door and reality would smack me in the face. I was alone again. On my own.”
“But you didn’t let it hold you back. You went to school, finished your training.”
She nodded. “Yes. I managed very well. Maybe too well. I’m still managing.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to help her. So Michael kept up a silent vigil of prayer while he waited for her to continue.
After a while Ashley sighed, offered him an apologetic smile.
“I’m sorry. This must all sound rather silly to you.”
“Silly? No. It sounds like a child who did what she had to do to get through her life.” He knelt in front of her, took her hands. “There’s no shame in that, Ashley. The thing you have to focus on is moving ahead. Getting past whatever has held you back.”
She nodded.
“I’m trying. And that’s why I want this house.” She grasped his hands with hers. “Listen. I was painting this morning and I had the television on. There was a woman speaking. Something she said clicked with me.”
This mattered, he could see it in the flash of inner fire that altered her eyes from gray to silver.
“She quoted a Bible verse about walking by faith. And then she said that when we walk in faith we take one step, then another step, then a third. It’s a progression, facing each thing and believing God will get us through that, then facing the next one.”
“That’s true.”
“She said faith isn’t a big enlightenment we get that lifts us up like a magic-carpet ride and takes us to better things. It’s staying in the program, even when it gets rough, believing God will make it better and pressing on.”
The clarity of that intrigued him, made him consider his own situation.
“She ended with that verse that says without faith it is impossible to please God. That got me thinking about my faith.” Ashley drew her hands from his, motioned around the room. “This house was full of pain because I endowed it with those feelings.”
“How does that tie in with faith?” He didn’t get where she was going.
“When I get up in the morning questions run through my mind—what if this happens? What if that comes about? That’s fear. They’re little threats I’ve been feeding myself for years. If I’m not careful about this, something bad will happen. If my parents divorce, my life will be ruined. If I leave, my dad will suffer.”
Her face glowed with newfound knowledge. Michael could see confidence growing in the way her body stance changed. She was beautiful.
“I taught myself to believe the worst would happen and then the panic started. Even when I should have moved on from the divorce I couldn’t because I let the fear remain and it kept growing.”
He’d never thought of it that way, but now Michael began to apply her ideas to his own life. Is that what he was doing—letting doubt make it impossible to reach his own goal by suspecting God’s will for him?
“The fear came because my thinking was wrong, not because what I felt was true.” Her eyes widened, she stared at him.
“So what you’re saying is—”
“I’ve let myself believe lies. I told myself lies and I believed them because I was afraid of what might happen. And I think I know why.”
“You want to share?”
“Yes, though it might sound jumbled.”
“Don’t worry about that. Just talk.”
In her excitement, Ashley rose, paced across the room and back.
“When I was eight my grandmother came to visit one summer. It was the only time. My parents must have been having problems even then because I recall my mother weeping a lot whenever Dad was gone.”
“Go on.”
“One night I couldn’t sleep. We were having a heat wave that summer. I don’t remember where Dad was, but he wasn’t home. I could hear voices. Mom and my gran were on the back deck talking—my window was open. I sat on the window seat and listened to them.” She jerked to a stop. Her whole body went still.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. No.” She peered at him through the waning light. “Gran was talking.”
“About what?”
She looked at him, her face pale. “I don’t know. I only remember she said, ‘It will ruin Ashley’s life, tear apart her world. She’ll never recover.’ I was so scared. I got back into bed and lay there awake for a long time.”
She paused, stared at him.
“I kept expecting something bad to happen. Maybe my parents were sick or I was. But nothing happened. Not all summer. I left for school dreading leaving here.”
“And that’s when the fear first began?”
“I think so.” She stared into the distance, remembering. “I wrote tons of letters that winter. Everything seemed okay. Time went by. Nothing changed—nothing I noticed.”
“Maybe you didn’t want to.”
“Maybe. Anyway, I remember I came home for Easter. I was thirteen that year. That’s when they told me.” Her face lost all color. “It was the same day that a man grabbed me, t-tried to abduct me.”
“It’s okay. You’re safe.” He wrapped his arms around her, held her shaking body until she finally went still. “That’s when the fear really grabbed hold, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” she whispered. She lifted her tear-stained face, met his gaze. “My mother insisted that I’d made the whole thing up. I
was a bit of a drama queen back then.”
He brushed the tears from her cheek, stung by her sad little smile.
“She said I’d make them a laughingstock if I told people. She insisted I forget about it. So when the police couldn’t find anyone who looked like the man I saw, I finally decided I must have dreamed it.” She gulped. “I pushed the memories down, but I still had the nightmares.”
“What did she say about the nightmares?”
Ashley shook her head. “I never told her or Dad. I thought that if I didn’t make waves, if I was perfect, that somehow I could fix whatever was wrong between them. Because I knew. By then I knew my world was falling apart.”
Michael waited until she’d regained her composure, had drawn away from him. Then he asked the question uppermost in his mind.
“So did it really happen, Ashley? Or did you imagine it?”
She kept her head bent, never flinched, never moved a muscle. Her voice emerged whisper-soft, begging him for an answer.
“I’ve got a better question. If it never happened, how come I keep seeing that same face, seventeen years later? How come I’ve only ever seen it here, in Serenity Bay?”
Chapter Nine
“I’m sorry. I don’t seem to have shed the drama-queen image yet.”
Ashley drew a tissue from her pocket, dabbed at her face, embarrassed that she’d dumped her woes all over him.
“Don’t.”
She forced herself to look at Michael, saw only tenderness in his eyes. A trickle of relief flickered through her. He seemed to understand.
“Tell me how faith figures into this.”
“Well,” she drew a deep breath. “If I believe God is there, helping me, then I have to believe that He will send what I need. The Bible says He’s a rewarder of those who seek Him. That I’m to walk in faith, that I should ask in faith.”
“Agreed.”
“Asking means I expect God to do something. I might not see it yet, but I believe it will happen. That’s faith.” She waited for his nod. “But the thing is, when I let myself worry, when I see how wrong things are, I focus on fear. And that’s what prevents my progress on this path of faith.”
Michael leaned against the wall, frowning.
“So buying this house, changing it into something good is…what?”
“It’s my way of saying I believe God has something wonderful in store for me. That I may have been stuck on what-ifs but I’m changing that to what-could-be. I’m going to start living in this moment, here and now, and stop worrying about what might happen.”
“Good for you.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever see that man again. If I do, I’ll deal with it. With God’s help. But today I’m moving on.”
Michael pushed away from the wall, walked toward her. He stopped when he was just a few inches away. Though he never touched her, his voice reached out to wrap her in a gentle hug of support.
“Do you know how strong you are, Ashley? It takes a lot of nerve to face your fears, to put your ideas into actions. I admire your courage.”
“I haven’t succeeded yet, so don’t congratulate me too soon. The pit of my stomach is still fluttering with nerves. But I think this place—” she waved a hand around “—might be my first turning point. Thanks for coming with me.”
“I’m glad you chose me.” He glanced at his watch. “Can I take you out for dinner to celebrate?”
The idea held instant appeal. Ashley nodded, then paused. “What about Tati?”
“It’s Friday. My mother picks her up from day care and the two are together until tomorrow morning. I think it’s facials this week.” He wrinkled his nose as if the idea of plastering goop on his cheeks was abhorrent. “And maybe pedicures, too. I didn’t pay a lot of attention.”
“Hmm, maybe I should join them,” she teased. “I haven’t had a pedicure in ages.”
“Aw, come on! What if I throw in a movie. That new chick flick is in town.”
“I saw it with Piper last week.”
“Oh.”
He looked so disappointed, Ashley had to laugh. “I’d love to have dinner with you, Michael.”
“Me, too.” His smile hit her squarely in the chest. “Let’s go, Ms. New Property Owner.”
“I have to make a stop first,” she said when they were in her car. “My landlord shipped my skis and I have to pick them up at the freight office.”
“You’re going skiing?”
She frowned. “Uh-huh. I was going to ask you if I could teach Tatiana.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. Of course not. Why?”
“Ashley. Dear, sweet Ashley.” Michael’s knowing smirk made her frown. “I love my daughter very much but she’s about as inept as a kid can be. Whatever genes Carissa passed down, grace wasn’t one of them. Put Tati on a ski slope and I can’t guarantee you won’t be wearing crutches with your bridesmaid’s dress.”
“She’s not inept. She’s just—” How to put it delicately? “A bit awkward.”
“A bit?” He hooted with laughter. “There is none so blind as she who will not see.”
“Well, I’d still like to teach her to ski.” She pulled up beside his mother’s café. “And I don’t know where we’re going to dinner so I’m stopping here.”
“Not here,” he begged, after one quick look inside. “Please?”
After a glance at his face, she moved farther down the street. “Is this all right?”
“Better.” He took a quick look behind them. “My mother has this cook. Her skill as an interrogator exceeds her skill as a chef, which is very good. Better I don’t give her anything to grill me about.”
“Oh, good pun.” Ashley chuckled at his pained look. “Where shall we go then?”
“How about the steak house just outside of town? You could drop me at the school on the way and I’ll pick up my car.”
“Okay. Do you mind if I stop at the depot first?”
He shrugged so Ashley parked in front of the delivery building.
“I’ll just be a couple of minutes.”
Michael got out, and walked beside her. “I’ll carry them.”
“Thanks.” Once the skis were safely stored on her roof rack, Ashley headed for the school. “I’m probably not supposed to say this, but I hope it snows soon.”
“Weren’t you the one who went off the road not too long ago?” he asked, tongue-in-cheek.
“Yes, but I wasn’t prepared. Besides, it was too early for us to have snow then.”
“In my opinion, it still is. Thanksgiving is barely past.”
“How did the pumpkin cakes go over, by the way?”
“Wanda said they didn’t look exactly like pumpkins but they tasted all right,” he repeated in a squeaky imitation of his daughter.
“Faint praise indeed.” Ashley chuckled. “I’d like to meet this discerner of pumpkins.”
“Hang around with Tati for long and you probably will. By the way, you should know that Wanda can ski like a trouper.”
“Ah. What about you?” He ducked his head, avoided her glance. “Michael? What did I say wrong?”
“Nothing, but I, uh— My daughter comes by her clumsiness naturally, I’m afraid.” He sighed when she didn’t give up. “I’m a klutz on the ski hill, okay?”
Ashley giggled at his embarrassment. She was still enjoying his discomfiture when she stopped beside his car.
“No problem. I’ll teach you both,” she offered. “I used to instruct years ago. I’ve taught all kinds of klutzes.”
“That’s very kind but—we’ll see.” He scrambled out of her car a little too quickly. “I’ll follow you to the restaurant, okay?”
“Okay.” His rush to leave made her smile for the rest of the drive.
Since they were a bit early, they had their choice of tables to choose from. Michael chose one beside the fireplace, a table for two tucked into a little alcove. Once they’d ordered, Ashley posed the question uppermost in her mind.
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“What do you do with your spare time? If you have any, I mean. Do you have a hobby?” She fiddled with the napkin, wishing that hadn’t come out sounding quite so nosy.
“Truthfully?” Michael smiled. “There isn’t a lot of time to spare when you’re a single parent.”
“I don’t imagine so. But you have tonight and tomorrow. You must have something you want to do. And your evenings, when Tati’s asleep. Surely you don’t spend all of them checking school work?”
“Not all, no.”
It was obvious that he didn’t want to tell her. He avoided looking at her, kept his focus on the table.
“Okay, then. Maybe I should change the subject.” His snub hurt, especially after she’d shared so much with him. “Your mother told me you lived in New York. You said you studied there. Did you like it?”
He nodded and his face brightened.
“I liked the convenience of having everything accessible without the long drives to Toronto that we have here. The galleries, the plays, the energy—it seems to spark something creative inside, you know?”
“Some cities have a way of doing that.”
“After a while it wore a bit thin, though. I guess I’m a country boy at heart. And then with Tati—well, I needed a job and I figured having Mom nearby couldn’t hurt. The Bay just seemed like the perfect place.”
“Tati’s adjusted well. She seems to have accepted you and Serenity Bay as her home.”
“For the most part. She still asks the odd question about her mother, but mostly she’s busy and happy.” He met her steady gaze. “I’m sorry if I seem rude, Ashley. It’s just that I don’t have a very interesting life. Let’s talk about the wedding. You do know I’m Jason’s groomsman?”
He was putting her off and Ashley didn’t understand why. Did he think she was getting too familiar? Asking too much? But he was the one who’d suggested dinner.
“I know. I think it’s going to be a lovely wedding. Jason’s taking her to the Caribbean on a honeymoon cruise for two weeks, but don’t tell Piper. He had to tell me so I can pack a suitcase for her. She thinks they’re going to Toronto.”
