by Mary Davis
“You realize she’s meine daughter, don’t you?”
One of the many reasons he loved Tabitha so much. How could a vater not love her and want her?
At the buggy, he opened the door for Rainbow Girl. She climbed in and held out her arms. Instead of handing over Tabitha, he closed the door, walked around the buggy and climbed in the other side.
Rainbow Girl once again held out her arms. “I’ll take her now. You can’t drive while holding her.”
He was sure he could, but it might not be the safest for his little one. “I’m not driving.”
“What do you mean?”
He settled in the seat. “Meine hands are full.” He looked at Rainbow Girl and nodded toward the reins.
She touched her chest with her fingertips. “You want me to drive?”
“Well, I obviously can’t.”
She huffed a laugh. “Are all men so stubborn?” She gathered up the reins, backed the horse up and set the buggy into motion.
He didn’t know how much longer he would have his Tabitha and her mutter in his life. Rainbow Girl clearly still had feelings for the Englisher. The pain of that hit him in the center of his chest. How would he manage without them? Without her?
Once at the bishop’s haus, Rainbow Girl fed Tabitha and put her in the crib.
Eli pointed to the computer. “Teach me how to work meine website.”
“I thought you didn’t want to learn. You didn’t want to mess with Englisher things.”
“I’ve changed meine mind. Teach me.” If she was going to leave, he needed to master it like he’d done with blacksmithing. Why hadn’t he learned his website from the start like she’d tried to make him do repeatedly? He’d actually acquired quite a bit of knowledge sitting next to her the past three months, but not enough to take care of it solo.
“Right now?”
“Ja.” He’d wanted her to think he couldn’t do it himself so he could spend more time with her, and she would realize she needed to stay in their Amish community. Because, if he needed her to tend to his site, she would be around him and he would get to see her often. He would always have an excuse to come see her. He could keep her close. But he couldn’t any longer. She would leave. Leave him behind. Again. “Teach me before you leave.”
“What? I’m not leaving.”
But she was. Why was she lying? “From the day you arrived, you insisted that you weren’t staying. I need to learn how to work the website before you go.”
“What brought this up all of a sudden?”
Though he didn’t want to talk about him, he seemed to have little choice. “I saw you with that man.”
She squinted. “What man?”
“The Englisher in town.”
“Craig?”
“Is that his name? Is he Tabitha’s vater?”
She took a deep breath. “Ja. He’s her vater, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving.”
“Ja. It does. I tried to deny you would leave, but I saw you with him. I saw how happy you were to see him. He was happy to see you too. He wants you back, doesn’t he?”
“Well, ja, but...”
He’d thought it had hurt the first time she left, and he hadn’t been in love with her then. Not really. Now would be a hundred times worse, because she would take Tabitha along with his heart. “But what? If he would take your daughter, would you return to him?”
She stared at him for a long moment. “He doesn’t want Tabitha, so it doesn’t matter.”
“So if he wants you but not her, what does he expect you to do with your daughter?” When she didn’t answer, he prodded. “What? Tell me.”
“Leave her here with the Amish.”
“You would do that?”
“Ne. I could never leave her behind.”
“But if he wanted her?”
“He doesn’t. You don’t have to worry about me leaving. I’m staying for now.”
“Because you have to? Why don’t you leave her and go back to that man?” He waved a hand in the air. “I’ll take care of Tabitha and raise her.”
“You?” she chuffed out.
“Why not me?”
“Well, for one, you’re a man. Two, meine mutter would fight you for her and likely win. Three, I’m not giving her up. Not for Craig. And not for you.”
But if the Englisher wanted Tabitha, Rainbow Girl would return to him and be packing right now. He’d seen it on her face when she first saw him. Eli needed to get away from her and stormed off out the front door.
“What about your website?”
He didn’t stop.
* * *
Each step Eli took away from Dori twisted her heart more painfully. “Eli, wait.” She hurried to catch up to him and planted herself in his path. “I’m not going back to him.”
He stared hard at her for a long moment. “I want to believe that.”
“But?”
“I can’t. I saw you with him. You still love him. Have you merely been toying with meine affections?”
She’d thought she still loved Craig but realized it was more of a pattern of thoughts at this point. There were no real feelings behind them anymore.
When Craig had suggested she leave Tabitha behind and return to him without her, she knew she could never go back to Craig. An invisible weight she hadn’t known she carried fell away. A tether snapped. She’d broken free of him and what she’d had with him. In truth, it had been empty and meaningless. What she thought she had with him, she actually did have with Eli. Or at least had.
“I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know if I ever really did. I had silly notions of the outside world, and I thought Craig fulfilled those. But they were all empty.” She took his hand. “Everything I want is right here.”
He pulled free. “Ne. It’s not. You want him and the Englisher world. I will never be able to trust you.” He walked away.
She hurried to catch up to him. “Ne. Don’t say that.”
Tabitha’s wail cut through the air.
“Go take care of your daughter.” He walked away.
She wanted to follow, but her daughter needed her. She didn’t want Eli to leave. She might never get him back, but if she didn’t tend to her daughter, Eli wouldn’t see her as a gut mutter. She hated having to choose between them, but there was only one choice. She turned back toward the dawdy haus.
After feeding, changing and getting Tabitha to sleep, Dori took the hair color she’d purchased in town to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. With her hair up and her kapp on, she looked Amish. Her roots had grown long enough that when she twisted the front, pulled everything back and secured it on the back of her head, her brown roots covered half of it. What wasn’t covered, her kapp disguised. She removed it now and took out the bobby pins.
Her hair looked awful in all its contrasting colors and kinking in different directions. It was as though it didn’t know what to do or be. Should it be up or down? So it stuck out all over. Should it be Amish or English? Both, with neither truly winning the battle. A confused mess. Just like her.
Eli’s words echoed in her mind. I will never be able to trust you. That couldn’t be true. But Eli believed it. Would she ever be able to change his mind? Not like this.
After brushing through her hair, she took the dye and a towel to the kitchen sink. This was the closest shade she could find to her natural one. Hopefully, it would cover the various colors.
When she was finished and her hair mostly dry, Grossvater came inside. “Your hair.”
“What do you think?”
He smiled. “It looks wunderbar.”
The dye had covered most of the colors while others gave it a strange shade. “Once I put it up and cover it with meine kapp, no one should be able to tell.”
“You will look like a proper Amish, then.”
<
br /> Did she want to? For Eli? Would he view her as a proper Amish woman?
* * *
The next day, the Saturday before Joining Sunday, Eli beat on the piece of hot steel on his anvil, bending it around and around and folding it over on itself. Another one ruined. He doused it in the barrel of water, then tossed it onto the pile with the other carnage from his foul mood. It clanged and clattered as it settled into place.
As he reached for another iron rod, he froze.
Rainbow Girl stood at the entrance to his blacksmith workshop with Tabitha swaddled in her arms. What was she doing here?
“Hallo, Eli.”
He resisted the urge to go to her and gave her a curt nod instead. “Do you have a horse who needs shoeing?”
“Ne. I— We came to see you.”
Like iron being drawn to a magnet, he gravitated to her and Tabitha. He scooped Rainbow Baby up into his arms. This was where his little one belonged, but she would be taken away from him all too soon. He handed her over. “Why have you come?”
Rainbow Girl removed her kapp.
“What are you doing? You aren’t supposed to do that.”
She turned around. “See? I dyed meine hair back to its natural color.”
A gut start, but anyone could appear Amish on the outside. “Why are you showing me?”
“So you could see that I’m becoming Amish. I can join church tomorrow.”
Unless she didn’t. She’d said can, not that she was going to.
“You think that changing your hair makes you Amish? It takes a lot more than that. It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s in your heart. And your heart is English. Go back to where you belong and leave us be.”
“I want to show you that you can trust me.”
“Ne. Every time I do, you crush meine heart under your foot.”
“When have I ever done that?”
“I’ve liked you since we were twelve. You went wild on Rumspringa, but I thought you would settle down like most Amish youths do. Instead, you left the community. I kept waiting for you to return, a few months passed, then a year, but you didn’t come back. Then one day, I realized I no longer expected you to return.”
“But I did.”
“Only because you were forced to. And you’ve never really returned in your heart.” He thumped his chest with his fingertips. “You keep looking over your shoulder to the Englisher world. Why don’t you go back to Tabitha’s vater?”
“How many times do I have to tell you that he doesn’t want her, and I don’t love him?”
Until she believed it herself. “You don’t want the Amish life. Leave your baby with us. Go back to your English life. Everyone wins.”
“But I don’t want to leave her.”
“Think of what’s best for your daughter. She will have so much love here.” He wanted to beg Rainbow Girl to stay, but unless she wanted to, she wouldn’t stay for long.
* * *
Back at the dawdy haus, Dori paced in her bedroom while Mutter softly sang a hymn to Tabitha in the other room.
Eli had been right. Dori did keep looking back to the English world. Which one did she want to belong to? The Amish one that had taken her in and cared for her and her baby when they needed help most? Or the English one, where her baby’s vater was? Craig would welcome her if she left Tabitha behind. Her baby would be well cared for and loved. She would have a gut life. Didn’t her daughter deserve that?
If Eli hadn’t been so hurt and upset about her talking to Craig and was willing to give her a chance, she would stay. If he asked her to, she would stay. She would join church.
But if Craig would welcome and love their daughter, she would return to the English world. So where she ended up depended on a man? Which man would love her?
That wasn’t right. A decision like this should be made by what she wanted. Did she want Craig? Or Eli? Ne. Did she want an English life with or without Craig? Or did she want an Amish life, with or without Eli?
She wanted security. Could either man give her that?
Maybe she should leave Tabitha behind so her daughter could have a gut life, a better life without Dori, and walk away from them all. Start over in a different town. Away from the Amish and away from Craig.
She fingered the door knocker. The thing that had tied her two worlds together. The thing that had kept an open door in her mind to the Amish world.
She sat on her bed and counted the money earned from helping so many Amish with their websites and computers. She hadn’t done anything special, ran a few programs to get rid of viruses and malware and defragged their hard drives. But each person had paid her a fee. She had enough to rent a small apartment. Her biggest obstacle would be to find a job.
When she left, she would no longer have regular income from computer work. No Amish would be allowed to come to her for help. She would need other means to support her and her baby. Work that would pay enough for living expenses as well as childcare. How would she ever be able to afford that? She wouldn’t. So she either needed to resign her fate to remaining with the Amish for the next eighteen years, or leave Tabitha here until she could provide for her. Dori disliked both options. But as Eli had said, she needed to think of what was best for her daughter above all else. She had her GED now, so she should have better success finding a job.
She left her room and stopped at the end of the hall before entering the living room.
Mutter sat in the rocking chair, singing as she gazed at Tabitha.
Dori’s eyes watered at the scene. “You’ll always look after her, won’t you?”
“Of course. Both of you.” Mutter’s expression changed from happy to worried. “Why do you ask this? You will take care of your daughter.”
Dori wanted to but couldn’t see how. “I don’t think I can stay.”
“Ne.” Tears filled Mutter’s eyes. “You can’t leave again. It will break your vater’s heart. It will break meine heart.”
“I don’t fit in here.” Just when she thought she and Eli might have a chance, Craig had spoiled it, but she couldn’t blame Eli after the life she’d lived outside the community.
“What about your daughter?”
That hurt most of all. “I can’t take care of her out there. I’ll come back for her.”
“Ne. This is wrong.”
Everything about her life the past few years had been wrong. Everything except Tabitha.
“You aren’t leaving right now, are you?”
“Ne.” She needed to make a few plans. “But soon. Don’t tell anyone.”
“How can I not? Your vater should be told, as well as your grossvater.”
“Ne. You can’t tell them. Promise you won’t tell anyone. Promise right now, or I’ll take Tabitha this minute and walk out the door. You’ll never see either of us again.”
Mutter gasped. “I don’t like this one bit.”
“But you won’t say anything?”
“I will keep your secret.”
Dori had told Eli she could never leave her daughter behind, but here she was planning to do just that. But not forever. Only until she could make a gut life for her, so she could take care of her the way she needed.
Chapter Sixteen
At church the next day, with her plans set, Dori wanted the service to be over quickly. Wanted this whole day to be over so she could leave. Leave this world behind her—for gut this time. Except to return for Tabitha. But if she couldn’t find work that could support them both, her daughter would be better off remaining here.
She shook her head. She couldn’t think that way. Tabitha might be better off staying here, but Dori wouldn’t be better off without her. In order to provide for her daughter, Dori needed to find a gut-paying job and get settled in a place, then she could return for her little girl. But even when she had all that and came back for h
er, how much would she really see of her daughter if she had to pay for someone else to look after her all day.
As the rest of the family headed toward the haus, Vater asked Dori to remain. “Your mutter said I should speak to you.”
“She did? About what?” Mutter wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about her plans to leave.
“I assume about your decision today.”
So Mutter hadn’t told him of her plans.
“Make the right one, and all will be well.” Vater strode off.
She wished she knew what that was.
Eli stood off in the distance but ducked away when she made eye contact.
Inside, Dori sat between her sister and her mutter, who held Tabitha. Decision Sunday had come, and she had made hers. She would start over someplace new.
Service was at the Hochstetlers’. Eli’s family’s home. She wished it could have been someplace different. It had been hard seeing him. If she could have skipped church without raising suspicions, she would have. But she needed to keep up a front so she could escape unnoticed.
The bishop spoke of the importance of joining church. It had to be of one’s own free will, but families put much pressure on their children to join. Joining for Dori would be wrong, because she would do it to show Eli he could trust her. That was the wrong reason. Besides, he hadn’t even been able to look at her this morning.
What was the right reason? Because she wanted to be Amish? What did it mean to be Amish? What did it really mean to join church?
The bishop continued with his sermon. “If you feel Gott calling to your heart, you are ready to join church.”
She’d heard this every year growing up. She’d never paid it much attention because it didn’t pertain to her. And again this year, it had no bearing on her future. She would leave as soon as she could make the arrangements. Maybe as soon as Monday or Tuesday. She had her money as well as her GED. Which direction did she want to go? West. Fewer Amish.
She didn’t want to leave Eli. She didn’t want to leave Tabitha. She didn’t want to leave Gott.
Gott? What did He have to do with this decision? Then she realized—everything. Gott was the reason to stay. Gott was the reason to join church. Her whole life, she’d viewed the Amish life by what others expected of her. Gott was the reason for everything. His was the only expectation that mattered. She finally understood what it meant to be Amish. It wasn’t about what she wore or what she did or even following the Ordnung. It was about belonging to Gott, being loved and cherished by Him. For the first time in her life, she truly wanted to be Amish. To belong to Gott.
