by Erin Trejo
“I’m scared, Lynx. I haven’t been this scared since that day,” she admits. Flashes of lightning and loud claps of thunder couldn’t mask the rapid beating of my heart.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you, Harper. You remember the first time I promised you that?” She looks up at me and nods slowly. “Didn’t I protect you then?”
“Yes,” she says softly.
Damn I’m breaking down. I’m losing it and becoming putty in her goddamn hands again. Jerking her face closer to mine, I lean down and look into her eyes.
“Then trust me now. I won’t let anyone hurt you, Harper. No one.”
“Including you?” she says softly, her words burning my lips.
I suck in a breath at her words. Swallowing hard, I nod.
“Includin’ me.”
86
Harper
Fear is a friend of mine. I’ve known fear since I was a child, but this fear? This is different. It’s like an impending doom lingering over my head. I look around the clubhouse that Lynx brought me to. He figured it was safer here, but I’m becoming more and more uncomfortable. I sit at the bar nursing a beer while he’s talking to the president of this club. The girls are eyeing me like I’m a piece of trash. I’m self-conscious to say the least. I don’t look anything like these girls and it makes my insides churn. They are all dressed in nothing more than bras and panties, big boobs being shown to anyone who looks their way. They are gorgeous for the most part with their makeup done to perfection. It couldn’t be any more opposite than me. Is this what Lynx has been used to? Girls like them?
I go back to picking the label on my beer when I hear laughing. My head snaps up and I see the smile on Lynx’s face as him and the other guy walk toward me. Lynx slides onto the stool next to me, a beer quickly being set in front of him by the woman in half a shirt. Her boobs pop out over the top, her nipples nearly falling onto the counter. I have to refrain from rolling my eyes, but it does something to my insides when Lynx doesn’t even look her way.
“We’re good to stay here for a while. No one will fuck with you here,” Lynx says as he leans over to speak into my ear. Music begins to play in the background but I’m lost in him.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask him, needing to know. How did he go from hating me one second and then doing a total turnabout to acting like the Lynx of our past?
“I’ve been thinkin’ a lot.”
“And?”
“And I decided that I love you more than I hate you, Harper.” He ends the conversation by standing and walking away. I turn to follow him, climbing the stairs right behind him.
“What do you mean?” I ask as he keeps walking down the hall. He doesn’t speak, just walks as if he doesn’t hear me. When he steps into a room, I follow. “Lynx!” I shout his name. I want, no scratch that, I need an answer. He can’t just say that and then walk away from me. I won’t allow it!
Lynx pulls his cut down his arms, tossing it to the chair before moving to his shirt next. I can’t stop staring at him. His muscles move with ever action, his tattoos dancing over his flesh. My mouth falls open but I quickly snap it shut when he turns to face me. His hair is mused up, the look of lust dancing in his eyes.
“You heard what I said, and you know what? I’m done, Harper. I’m done fightin’ this shit. We were always meant to be together.”
He doesn’t say anything else and I don’t get a chance to respond before he has me in his arms. His lips are crashing into mine, slowly taking what he wants from me. I moan and find myself growing wetter by the second. Lynx grinds against me, kissing down my neck.
“I’m takin’ back what belongs to me. What has always belonged to me. If I didn’t fuck up all those years ago, I would have been with you, Harper,” he whispers as he continues to trail kisses down my neck. When he reaches my shirt, he grabs the material in the front and tears it in half. His lips find my hardened nipple through my bra. He sucks hard and I gasp at the feeling.
“You were mine, Harper. Always mine,” he says right before he bites down. I cry out his name, holding his head in my hands. I don’t want him to move. I don’t want him stop. My head is dizzy and my heart is pounding.
“You hate me,” I moan.
“But I love you too,” he says pressing kisses between my breasts and up my throat.
“We have so much to lose,” I tell him as his lips continue.
“Yet a future to gain,” he says, biting into my flesh. I scream again, pulling his head closer to me. The warmth of his breath, the feel of his skin touching mine - it’s so much more than I remember. Each touch only adds fuels to the already blazing fire between us.
“It only takes a spark to ignite the flame,” he whispers near my ear.
I arch my back, pressing myself closer, needing him. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that the fire never went out…it was just at a low burn over these past few years. But the moment I laid eyes on him? The embers began to smolder and grow hotter. And that first kiss brought back our raging inferno of lust and love.
“It’s funny how I’m the broken one and yet I’m savin’ you,” he says, sucking my ear lobe into his mouth.
“Lynx.”
“Tell me you’re never leavin’ me again.” The begging in his voice undoes me. I tremble as I open my mouth to respond. Lynx pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “I won’t share you and I won’t lose you again.”
“Lynx, I-”
“You promised me,” he growls. Cocking my head to the side, I try to figure out what he means.
“What?”
“You promised you would run to me if shit went bad. You promised you would run to me if you needed somethin’, and I’m askin’ you one more time, run to me, Harper.”
In no time Lynx has our clothes stripped off. I’m panting, gasping for air that I so desperately need. His eyes trail over my now naked body, taking me in as if he’s never seen me before. Heat stirs in my core as his eyes burn through my skin.
“I don’t know what to say, Lynx,” I whisper. He shakes his head and moves closer, wrapping is arms around me. Planting soft kisses to my lips, can only I shiver in response.
“Doesn’t matter, baby. You’re mine now,” he growls before he lifts me and tosses me to the bed.
I watch him as he moves, the way he moves as he climbs on the bed. He slowly runs his hands up my legs, spreading them wide for him. Heat rushes my body. His eyes are dark, peering up at me with hooded lids. I open my mouth, ready to say what? Tell him to stop? Remind him that he hates me for leaving him? Lynx shakes his head. He must be able to see the words that I can’t say. He moves up, his lips covering mine, silencing anything that I might have been thinking. His tongue twists with mine, and I’m lost in all that’s Lynx. Just like old times, I lose myself in him. He reaches between us, slowly sliding inside of me and I moan into his mouth. Years, five long years of missing the one man that meant the world to me. Five years of not having him in my life, and now he’s here, inside of me. Tears slowly fill my eyes as Lynx thrusts into me. His lips stay on mine as I cry. When he pulls back, he sees them, sees me.
“Don’t do that, Harper,” he says leaning down to kiss the tears away. Each kiss makes my heart beat faster and faster. I wrap my arms around him, needing him to be closer, needing to fuse myself to him. I just…I need him. Lynx leans up, going deeper. My body responds just like it always has to him. My head tips back, gasping for air. God, I’ve missed him.
87
Lynx
It’s her. It’s always been her and trying to deny that was tearing me apart. Having her here with me, in my arms. The memories. It’s everything I’d been missing yet trying to avoid. I didn’t want to forgive her for leaving me. I didn’t want to love her still but that’s inevitable. I can’t deny it any more. I do feel some sort of hatred toward her for running from me, but I can’t deny the love that still lingers inside of me. And maybe what I’m starting to realize is that it’s not hatred, but rather extreme hurt because of how
much I loved…love her. It felt like a betrayal. Each thrust, each clench of her around me just reminds me of how much I needed her. I still need her.
“Fuck, Harper,” I groan when her nails dig into my flesh. I roll my hips and hit her right where she likes. My necklace catches her eye as it swings from my neck with each thrust. I watch as the slow smile tugs across her face. My eyes meet hers and I pick up my pace. I plunge into her, loving the noises she makes. It’s been far too long since I’ve heard them. A spark races down my spine as I release inside of her. Harper clenches, tenses, and finally explodes. We’re both gasping for air when her fingers come up to play with the charm.
“I didn’t know if you would keep it,” she whispers softly.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“You said it was a reminder.”
“Harper, don’t do this,” I say pulling out of her. I roll over and grab my jeans off the floor, tugging them on before finding my cigarettes.
“We need to talk about it, Lynx,” she says sitting up and tugging the sheet over her body.
“No we don’t. There’s nothin’ to talk about.”
“Lynx come on. You said it yourself. You hate me for leaving you.”
Why is she doing this to me? Why is she pushing me so hard? I don’t want to fight. I’m tired of fighting. I blow the smoke through my lips and stare at her.
“What do you want me to say here? That I forgive you?” I hiss the words like venom. That sting in my chest is still there. She hurt me when she left.
“For starters, that would be nice. I told you I looked for you. Your dad told me you got life, Lynx. What was I supposed to do?” She’s getting defensive and she has no right to be.
“You could have come to see me, Harper! A note, a fuck you! Anything would have been better than the way you left me!” Anger surges inside of me and I can’t tamper it down. I want to but it’s there and I can’t stop it. Maybe I shouldn’t even try. This needs to come out, we need to move past this and for some reason we can’t do that.
“I was scared, Lynx! I couldn’t just go there and leave you! Don’t you get that? It would have killed me. I would have stayed because of you!”
She’s making this my fault? What a low fucking blow that is.
“You’re kiddin’ me, right? You didn’t come say goodbye because you didn’t want to! Were you glad I was out of your life? No more dealin’ with my bullshit? Was that it, Harper?”
She leaps off the bed and moves toward me, anger in her eyes. “That’s not fair! I hated your dad, Lynx, not you! I never hated you and you know that. I fucking loved you!” I bring the cigarette to my lips and take another long drag.
“Loved. You loved me. You don’t anymore, do you, Harper?” I can feel it. Something is different now. It’s different and I can’t place it, but I sure as fuck can feel it.
“I’ve always loved you, Lynx. I’ve never stopped. It’s just…it’s all a mess and different now.”
Her words nearly shatter my soul. I close my eyes and take a deep breath trying to control the rage that eats away at my insides.
“Love doesn’t change, Harper. You either love me or you don’t. It’s that simple,” I tell her. I didn’t realize it until Chip made me see it. And I know I’m being an asshole, but I’m putting my life on the line for this girl. I’m moving her around place to place to keep her safe. I’m losing my goddamn sanity!
“Everything changes, Lynx! You’ve changed! I’ve changed!”
“The only difference now is your little boyfriend! You love him?” I snap. She watches me with narrowed eyes wondering where I’m going with this. I’m asking myself the same damn thing. I have her here, back in my life and I’m struggling with that. My heart is in a war with my mind and I can’t stop it.
“Not like I loved-”
“Loved. That goddamn word again, Harper!” I snap with my cigarette hanging between my lips I grab her shoulders and force her to look at me. I’m so pissed I can barely see straight.
“Loved? Is that what it was? Is it all over now? Tell me somethin’ real here, Harper! I’ve been fallin’ apart for five goddamn years, and to hear you keep sayin’ loved is rippin’ my fuckin’ soul in half!” I shake her slightly as tears fill her eyes. I can’t do this. Not now. I let her go and take a step back, shaking my head before snuffing the cigarette out in the ashtray. “I can’t do this,” I whisper before turning and grabbing the rest of my clothes. I dress quickly and head for the door.
“Lynx!” she screams through her tears.
“What?”
“I do love you. I do.”
I need those words, but they don’t soothe my soul. I lower my head and pull the door open.
“Yeah, just not enough.”
I slam the door behind me and jog down the stairs and out the door. I have no doubt she’ll stay in the room. I don’t have to worry about her here. I head to my bike, climb on, and rev up the engine. Fury is growing redder and hotter inside of me. I speed out of the parking lot and down the road. My head is a mess. I’m confused, I’m pissed, and I don’t even know why. The world was slowly coming back together for me only to be blown apart by her. I can’t think straight, and before I know it, I’m sitting in front of Chip’s place. He must have heard the bike pull up; he stands on the porch watching me.
“She okay?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. I just needed out of there. Away from her, yeah?” Chip nods and motions for me to come inside. I don’t know if that’s a good idea with Josie but I do it anyway. If anyone understands me, it’s Chip. He’s been my friend for the past five years. I step inside and follow him through the kitchen. He grabs a case of beer and heads out the back door with me following behind him.
“This might be needed,” he says with a chuckle. I nod and sit in the chair next to him, grabbing a beer.
“It’s a mess, man. We don’t know how to move on from back then. Neither of us. She wants it all to go back to how it was, but she can’t even look me in the eyes and tell me she loves me. It’s always loved. I loved you. So that means not anymore, yeah?”
Chip shrugs grabbing himself a beer. “Maybe it’s just harder for her to admit it now. It’s been years, Lynx. You still hate her to a point, don’t you?”
Fuck, he’s right.
“Not as much as I did. There were better ways to go about leavin’. Fuck. She could have told me to my face!”
“I couldn’t.”
I close my eyes when I hear her voice.
“How the hell did you get here?” I ask without looking over my shoulder at her.
“I tried to leave. One of the girls brought me.” Assholes.
“Come sit with us,” Chip says, motioning to the chair across from me. Harper moves, her scent slamming into me as she walks past. I keep my eyes closed, trying to remain calm.
“You shouldn’t have left there.”
“It’s not my place to be there, Lynx. Never was.”
“And yet you wanted me knowin’ what came with it, yeah?” I snap my eyes open, locking my gaze with hers.
“I wanted you. That was an easy decision.”
“You two need to talk this out. You’re mad because of how she left. She told you her side of that. She thought you were in for life,” Chip says, looking between us.
“Thought you were my boy?” I hiss at him.
“Fuck you, Lynx. I am or you wouldn’t be here. What I’m saying is, you both fucked up. You both know it, right?” I nod my head and so does Harper. “She should have come to you and tol-”
“I couldn’t! I couldn’t look at you and say goodbye. I never wanted it to be goodbye, Lynx. I would have given my life for yours!” Harper cuts him off as she screams through the tears. I study her face, watching the emotion in her words. It strips me bare and leaves me vulnerable to her.
“You could count the scars on my heart from losin’ you,” I whisper softly. I look into her eyes and see the softness in her. She stands and moves toward me, climbing in my lap, st
raddling me. Her hands come up to cup my cheeks.
“I miss the part when I was falling in love so hard with you,” she whispers before kissing me gently. I close my eyes and let the feelings work their way through me.
“I don’t want to waste the rest of my life chasin’ the past, Harper.” Her head rests against mine.
“I don’t regret a day that I was yours, Lynx. Not one single day. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
88
Harper
Life has a funny way of showing you that it wants you happy. I never thought I’d find my happiness again, but standing here in Lynx’s arms, I am. I hate that I pushed him so hard and that I left him when he needed me but that will never happen again. His heads thrown back, laughing at something Chip said. I just stand in awe of him, watching him. He smiles at me and says something back to Chip. The whole group is laughing but I’m toning them all out. In a perfect world we would have had this a long time ago. In my perfect idea of life, Lynx and I would have never been apart. He takes a drink of his beer as I watch his throat bob with each swallow. I’m lost in him. The way he moves, that laugh. The slight crinkle around his eyes when he smiles. I’ve missed that, yearned for it, and now I have it back.
I reach up and run my hand over the side of his head that he keeps shaved down, letting my fingers remember on their own what it felt like to just be with him, touch him, love him. The conversation continues around me. Lynx talks and laughs it reminds me of old times. His hand tightens around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His laughter vibrates his chest, slamming into me. I turn my head slightly just when he turns to look at me. The smile on his face lights up my life. I keep my hand moving over the side of his head, just like I’ve always done.
