“Enough, Jasper. Don’t even say her name to me,” I growled.
“Fix your head, brother, or Lily will be a non-issue because you’ll be dead. Then what? She’ll spend the next twelve years at another cemetery? Only this time there’ll be no coming back. I don’t need to tell you how badly you screwed up because you’re beatin’ yourself up enough. Just fix your shit and get your girl.”
He didn’t wait for a response before he left, leaving me in silence. He was mostly right, but wrong about Lily visiting the cemetery. After what I said to her she wouldn’t bother going to visit. She was done with me.
The musty smell of humidity and stale air hit me as soon as I walked through my front door. It had been damn near six months since I’d been home. I really needed to hire someone from base to come over and open my house up while I was gone. I walked around my sad living room opening all the windows.
I tried to imagine Lily here in this house. She’d hate it. It was plain and boring, absolutely no personal effects anywhere in the room. After I faked my death, I stopped living. Shane was dead not only on paper but in my mind as well. There was no me without Lily. It was easy to slip into my role as Lenox. Lenox didn’t know Lily; he didn’t know what it felt like to laugh with her, the feel of her cuddled up on the couch watching movies, and he didn’t know what it felt like to love her. Carter Lenox was literally a soulless bastard.
I tossed my bag in the laundry room and opened the fridge, nothing.
“Fuck,” I roared to the empty room.
I hated my life. Loved my job, but hated the loneliness that came with it. If Lily were here, the house would be warm and inviting. There would be food in the fridge when I came home from a long work trip. She would have soft sheets on our bed and fresh towels in the bathroom. I could picture her taking a warm bath in the big tub in the master bedroom with the flowery candles she loves burning while she soaked in bubbles.
I heard a knock at the front door and my heart skipped a beat until I remembered Lily didn’t know where I lived. She wouldn’t seek me out and surprise me the day I came home. I had no one. The pounding on the front door continued and I debated not answering. It was probably the neighbor with a box of my mail.
“Open up, I know your sorry ass is in there,” Jasper yelled.
Jesus! Can’t a man get two minutes of peace and quiet? We’d spent the last five months trekking through the underbelly of the world. Wasn’t he sick of seeing my face already? I know I was.
“It’s open,” I called back not bothering to leave the kitchen.
Jasper walked through the door with two pizzas, followed by Clark with a case of beer, and Levi picked up the rear with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I was about to tell them to get out when the smell of the pizza wafted through the room making me reconsider my position on company. This would save me a much-needed trip to the store tonight.
The guys beelined it for the kitchen table, and I grabbed some paper plates and paper towels. How sad was my life that at thirty-two years old I didn’t have proper tableware?
“Miss me already?” I joked as I threw the paper plates on the table.
Levi, not bothering to wait, already had a beer open and a slice in his mouth.
“Call this rendition and reprogramming,” Clark said opening the bottle of Jack Daniels and sliding it across the table to me.
“Rendition, huh? Why am I being interrogated?”
“What are your intentions with Lily?” Jasper smirked and took a bite of his pizza like he didn’t just toss gasoline on a fire.
“Not your business,” I replied, picking up the bottle of Jack. Three gulps later I still couldn’t feel the burn of the liquor. I was back to being numb. In the past twelve years, I had been able to feel for exactly eight days.
“That’s where you are wrong, friend. It is my business,” he shot back.
“How do you figure that?” I asked.
“You made it our business when you brought Lily to us in California. It further became our business when you told us that we were to treat Lily with respect. Even more so when you threatened to kill me if I ever called her a piece of ass again because she was your world,” Clark interjected.
“And it became my business when you gutted that woman like she was no better than a third world hooker. You fucked her, told her you loved her, then you shattered her soul,” Jasper informed me.
“Watch your mouth, friend, you’ll be smart never to compare Lily to a two-bit whore again,” I snarled. “You all are dangerously close to crossing a line.”
“Man, we passed that line about five hundred meters ago. We are so far over the line and it’s so blurry there is no line. So what are you going to do about Lily?” Jasper pushed.
We sat in silence for a long while. The guys sat at my table eating pizza and drinking beer like it was a regular poker night, and not like my life was in ruins. I was debating whether or not to be honest with them or keep this bottled up. These men were my brothers. We faced death together, but when it came to feelings, those were never talked about. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed help.
“I fucked up. Not only did I burn that bridge, I blew it up. Completely and totally FUBAR’d,” I admitted.
“Bullshit, nothing is beyond repair. You wanna fix it?” Jasper asked.
“Yes,” I answered honestly. “I want her here with me. My head is so screwed up I can’t think straight. It’s killing me knowing I hurt her, and now I’ve lost her. I never should’ve let her go. She begged me not to do it, but I didn’t listen. I thought I was doing it for her own good. I was wrong.”
It had to have been the Jack that caused the moisture in the corner of my eyes. The liquor was making my lips loose and my eyes watery.
“I had a daughter,” Jasper started.
Levi stopped his beer half way to his mouth and stared at Jasper like he had grown three heads.
“How did we not know that?” I was in shock. Jasper had never once mentioned her.
“She would’ve been three.”
“Three?” Clark, Levi, and I asked in unison.
“Remember when I went home on leave when my granddad passed?” He waited for us all to acknowledge we remembered. “I saw my ex-girlfriend, Liz. Two months after I’m back here she calls me and tells me she’s pregnant. I fucked up and questioned if the baby was mine. After a whole lot of crying and arguing, she tells me to fuck off and hangs up. I never called back.”
Jasper stopped and hung his head in shame. When he lifted his head again, he didn’t try and hide his pain. “By the time I got my head out of my ass it was too late. You wanna know why I didn’t call back? I thought they would be better off without me. My job would get in the way of me being a good dad or husband. I loved her and that baby, but I was too much of a coward to admit it.”
I knew Jasper had demons he was fighting. Thinking back, it was right after his grandfather died that he changed. I thought the change was because his grandfather raised him and they were close.
“How did she die?” Levi whispered.
“Alesha, my daughter, was stillborn. Liz died giving birth to her.”
“Man, I am so sorry. You should’ve told us, we would’ve helped you through it,” I told him.
“Don’t wait like I did. Make it right with Lily now,” he urged.
The pizza lay abandoned in the middle of the table and the bottle of whiskey was passed around. Each of us lost in thought. I caught Jasper giving me sidelong glances, and by the time the bottle of whiskey was almost empty, guilt looked to be weighing heavily on him.
“What aren’t you telling me?” I asked.
Jasper averted his gaze suddenly, finding the table extremely interesting. Something was very wrong. “Is Lily okay?”
“No,” he answered.
“No?” I shot up from my seat uncaring I had knocked the chair over. “Talk, Jasper.”
“Before I tell you, you need to take a seat and relax.”
“Fuck
that noise. Tell me,” I demanded.
“Lily’s pregnant.”
I closed my eyes, and fought to stay upright. I was too late, she’d moved on and she was having a baby.
“The baby is yours,” Jasper continued.
“What?” I gasped when I caught my breath. “How do you know?”
“I knew when we were in Nassau.”
Without thinking, I charged Jasper. “Motherfucker.”
Clark jumped from his seat and wrapped his arms around my middle, preventing me from getting to the lying rat bastard.
“Calm the fuck down,” Clark demanded.
“You all knew?” I yelled.
“I agreed to keep her secret for your own good,” Jasper yelled back.
Clark let me go and shoved me away from him. “Settle down and listen to him. He was right in keeping this from you.”
I struggled to keep my temper in check. I was going to kill the asshole for keeping my child a secret, but I needed to know what he knew first.
“Lily is pregnant with my child, and you think he was right for not telling me? My child could’ve grown up without a father.” I had been so reckless in the last few months I could’ve died and left Lily to raise our child alone.
“You think we would’ve let your dumb ass get dead?” Levi asked.
I shot Levi a glare that couldn’t have been misinterpreted as anything other than the “fuck you” it was meant to be.
“Lily needed time to heal, and she didn’t need any added stress being newly pregnant,” Jasper explained. “I told her I wouldn’t keep her secret forever because you needed to know. But you both needed to get your heads on straight before one of you fucked up and did something you couldn’t take back. The last thing you needed was to know about the baby. You would’ve pushed her.”
“Goddamn right I would’ve pushed. She’s having my baby.”
“She didn’t want you to resent her, and she was afraid that you would only be staying with her because of the baby.”
“Is she crazy? I fucking love her.”
I needed a plan. Lily being pregnant didn’t change a damn thing for me. What it did do was move the timeline along. I was planning a slow attack, move so slow she didn’t realize what I was doing until it was too late and she loved me again. Now it was going to be a full court press, an out and out war of hearts.
“Crazy? You told her you didn’t love her. We heard exactly what you said to her,” Levi put his two cents in.
“You’re right, I did. We all know I fucked up. What do I do now?” I asked the room at large and paced back and forth.
I was still going to kick Jasper’s ass just as soon as I had my family tucked safely in my home. But right now, I had more important things to worry about.
“We go to her,” Clark answered.
“We?”
“Man, you’re gonna need all the backup you can use. When you show up on her doorstep, she is going to toss your sorry ass out the door. Luckily for you, she seems to like me. I’ll put in a good word for you.” Clark smirked.
I didn’t have time to dissect the bullshit he said, but his plan did have merit. No doubt I would need help.
“Maybe you should hang back.” I pointed to Jasper. “She’s gonna be pissed you told her secret and that woman holds a mean grudge. You might fuck up my chances. And Jasper, after I sort out Lily, I’m gonna beat your sorry ass for not telling me.” Jasper laughed like I was joking. I wasn’t, she could stay mad forever if she wanted to.
“Looking forward to it, asshole,” Jasper shot back still laughing.
“Now, I have to find her.” I grabbed my laptop off the coffee table and turned it on. I had planned to start my search for her in the morning, but now seemed like a good time.
“I already found her,” Levi informed me.
“You didn’t think you could’ve started the night off with that tidbit.” I slammed my laptop lid shut.
What the hell was wrong with my team? All these goddamn secrets.
“Nope. A little extra suffering is good for the soul.” He chuckled and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me.
I opened the folded paper and scanned the information. There was an address in South Carolina and a phone number. “Lillian and Carter Lenox? I don’t understand.”
“Congratulations, it’s a boy. I hacked her obstetrician’s records and read through the notes. It looks like she already named him Carter.”
“I have a son,” I sighed.
I’m coming for you Lily. You and my boy.
Chapter 21
“Hi, Lily. How are you making out?” Miss Milly the shopkeeper asked.
Now in my third trimester, I finally settled on a place to call home: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I found a cute bungalow on the beach that offered a long-term rental. I loved it. It even had a wooden boardwalk down to the surf, and tall sand grass surrounded the house. It looked to be straight out of a movie.
I had traveled across the US the last five months. I started in Texas and went North. I considered staying in Montana, it was stunning there, but I quickly realized I am a beach girl at heart. I never wanted to step foot in California again, so I went East and landed in South Carolina. Good weather, good food, and great people. I didn’t go East to be closer to Shane, at least that’s what I repeated to myself every morning I woke up and thought about him and how easy it would be to drive a few hours South and be in Georgia.
We were done. He had made it clear that he didn’t want me in his life. My head was starting to get on board with the idea of never seeing him again, but my heart refused to believe it. It hurt every day.
“Lily?” Milly’s voice pulled me from my wayward thoughts.
“Sorry. I’m a little scatterbrained today. I’m all settled into the house, but still trying to get the lay of the land,” I admitted.
“I remember what it’s like being pregnant. They say the baby takes all of the mother’s brain power.” Milly giggled. “The paint supplies you ordered will be here tomorrow. Would you like me to deliver them?”
I was going to try my hand at painting. I had never done it before, but I needed something to occupy my time. Five hours of Bob Ross YouTube instruction later, I felt confident I could be a master painter in no time. I could’ve ordered my supplies online or driven to a big box store and bought what I needed for cheaper, but I wanted to support the local shops if I could. Miss Milly was a sweet older woman. If I had to guess, I’d say she was almost seventy, especially since she talked about her adult grandchildren. She had a large family and was very proud when she spoke about them. I felt a pang of jealousy and a huge heap of guilt. I never had a close, loving family and my son would never have a large, tight-knit family either.
“Are you okay? Did I say something to upset you?” Milly asked.
“Oh no, Miss Milly. I’m sorry, I really am lost in thought today,” I replied.
“If you don’t mind me saying, you look like you need a friend.” Milly came out from behind the counter. She was a small woman, but the fierce look on her face told me she was not someone who took no for an answer.
“I really am okay. I think I overdid it a little yesterday. I unpacked the rest of my boxes last night. But it’s nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure. I only walked down here to pick up some more of your delicious peaches. I can’t seem to get enough of them.” I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
“I had a new delivery this morning, fresh from a local grower in Georgia. There’s nothing like a sweet Georgia peach.” My body stiffened and tears formed in my eyes at the mention of Georgia.
Maybe staying here was not going to be such a good idea. I can’t even eat my favorite peaches without being reminded of Shane. Not that getting away from the peaches would help me forget about him. In a moment of utter weakness, I legally changed my name to Lenox. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I was so stupid. I thought about changing it to something else, but Shane’s last name was the only
thing I could give my son from his father. I couldn’t bring myself to deny either of them that connection, even if I was the only one who knew.
“Young lady, you are looking pale. I am sending my grandson over this evening with a lasagna and peach cobbler. You need some home cooking and rest. I’ll send Adam around about six this evening.”
“Oh no, Miss Milly, that is very kind of you to offer, but I can’t put you out like that.”
“Nonsense, child, I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t happy to do it. Besides, I miss cooking for a family. It will be my pleasure. And just so you know, it’s rude to turn down an old woman’s offer of food around here.”
“Well alright, I wouldn’t want to be rude,” I laughed. “But, please don’t inconvenience your grandson. I’ll come by and pick it up.”
“Now that would defeat the purpose. You’re supposed to be relaxing.” She leveled me with her best motherly glare.
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you again, it has been a long time since I’ve had a real home cooked meal.”
“Well, mine are made with love. We call it soul food in my home, because after your tummy is good and full from all that love I sprinkle in there, you can’t help but be happy,” she explained with a wink.
“I am quite certain I’ve never had a meal sprinkled with love. The cooks that my father hired were there for the money, not the love.”
“That is downright sad. It’s settled, I’ll sprinkle in some extra love for you. Now go on and get your peaches and get home. You look tired.”
“Thank you.”
I’m sure I did look tired, but I didn’t need confirmation on just how haggard I looked. I had hoped I was able to hide the dark circles under my eyes with concealer, but apparently not. The nightmares I’d been having were coming far and few between now. The first couple of months after I got back to the US I dreamt of dead bodies every night. Surprisingly, Roman’s death was not one I had nightmares about even though he was killed while using me as a human shield.
I didn’t know if it was because I felt relief he was dead and my baby was safe, or if it was because I saw the love and determination in Shane’s eyes when he pulled the trigger. He killed Roman to protect me, to save my life. All the others were senseless and brutal. I thought about Peter a lot and how kind he was to me. In the short time I spent with him, he became a friend of sorts. While he didn’t share any of his life with me, he listened while I cried about Shane. I felt the loss of him deeply.
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