Bernadette ordered a sparkling water from the open bar, and wandered to the back of the restaurant, where a door led on to a large terrace. No one was in this part of the room, and in the low light it would be difficult to witness her sneaking outside. She already felt in need of some air. Not that the event itself was stifling, but she was still in a Radley-induced state, where closed spaces and casual conversation encouraged her mind to roam, and she would be assaulted by the memory of their kiss.
Escaping outside was no better, for when she heard the gentle crash of breaking waves on the rocks far below, and smelt the comforting scents of pine and damp heather, her body was enlivened and she ached for him. The terrace was much larger than she had imagined, with a pool, jacuzzi, several sunloungers, and a rock garden cut into the clifftop.
She walked out further along the terrace, and jumped as she noticed that a man was out there, too. It was Tim. He had been looking out at the ocean, but turned to her. ‘I thought you were trying to avoid me,’ he said, not quite sounding like himself.
‘I didn’t come out here to find you,’ she clarified, blushing. ‘I didn’t know there was anyone out here.’
‘So you are avoiding me?’
‘No. Of course not. The reality is that you avoided me. And then gave me no explanation.’
They stared awkwardly at one another. It was difficult to see clearly, with the yellow light from the restaurant competing with the white light of the moon, and almost everything in darkness. Tim’s face was half in shadow, and his blonde hair looked black.
‘I’m struggling, Bernadette.’
‘With what?’ she asked, stupidly.
‘With you! What do you think? I can’t stop thinking about you.’
‘But you didn’t come to New York. You sent Lizzie instead.’ Her voice broke a little at the memory, and he groaned in response.
‘I’m sorry. Shit, I’m sorry. I messed up. I just … I didn’t have the balls to do it. I’m not really that type of man. I thought I could be – in a way, I wish I could be. But I just couldn’t do it. Can you forgive me?’
Bernadette, now falling in love with another man, was inclined to be generous. ‘Of course,’ she said, shrugging.
He looked at her keenly, and took several steps towards her, taking both her hands in his. ‘You didn’t mean it, did you? When you said you loved me. It was just some kind of flirtation. I’m one in a long line for you, right?’
‘No!’ she cried. ‘I did mean it! I do! It’s just—’
There were footsteps behind her, and she could tell from Tim’s harassed expression who it was that was approaching. She was suddenly light-headed, and pulled her hands away from Tim quickly. She turned to see Radley advancing on them. He was backlit as he emerged from the restaurant, an inky-black, clearly defined shadow, his expression obscured, nothing but the shape of a man.
‘Well isn’t this a romantic scene?’ he said sardonically.
Tim laughed, a somewhat forced sound. ‘You have a habit of saying inappropriate things, Blake.’
‘Blake?’ asked Radley incredulously. ‘We’re calling each other by our last names now, are we? What next? Pistols at dawn? Okay, Bazier, as you will. Out of the three of us, I doubt I’m being the most inappropriate.’
‘I haven’t done anything, Radley,’ said Bernadette, in a small voice. Radley smiled at her briefly, his eyes softening as he looked at her with the air of a man whose every wish had been granted.
‘You do talk such shit, Radley,’ said Tim, excited past his usually even temper.
Radley took a step towards him, menacingly enough that Bernadette felt compelled to put a warning hand on his chest. It felt amazingly warm and firm under her palm.
‘Let’s be honest here,’ he growled. ‘Bernadette hasn’t been carrying a torch for you all this time without some sort of encouragement. You thought you could love her from afar, but what good is it for her to be your muse? She gets nothing but heartache from that arrangement.’ Bernadette’s eyes were wide, and Tim seemed unable to speak, as Radley continued. ‘You were content with a mild flirtation, hiding behind romantic gestures and words, convoluted and covert. Gestures that seemed to you poignant and sacred – but this girl cares nothing for subtlety! Look at her! She smashed through all your little tokens, forcing more from you than you can possibly give. You tried so hard to love her and balance on that ledge. But the trouble is, there’s a fucking precipice on the other side of it.’ Radley’s arm pointed involuntarily to the edge of the cliff, at the swirling water a thousand feet below. He looked like a Spartan. ‘Don’t fall into that oblivion, or it will kill you.’
‘You should know,’ said Tim, deliberately. ‘Look who’s under the spell of the Man Whisperer.’
‘And for God’s sake stop calling her by that idiotic name!’ said Radley.
Tim rolled his eyes. ‘I’m going inside. Bernie, do you want to come with me?’
Radley smiled reassuringly at Bernadette and took her by the hand, as if helping a small child to cross a road. ‘Stay here with me. Please.’
Bernadette nodded. She had no intention of going anywhere else. Tim walked past them towards the restaurant, taking long, nimble strides, a look of absolute loathing on his face. Abruptly Bernadette realised that he hated Radley. Which was a shocking revelation on two counts: firstly because Tim wasn’t at all the kind of person to hate anyone, and secondly because Radley himself was so utterly lovable, she couldn’t imagine him being the object of anyone’s spite.
Once she was alone with the genius Radley Blake, she found herself unusually speechless. He smiled down at her intuitively. ‘Lost your tongue?’
She nodded, and he laughed, pulling her closer to him, taking her under his arm to fend off the night-time breezes. ‘Oh no you don’t!’ he said. ‘You think that being in love is all breathless torture, and gasping-for-air anguish, and not having a mind of your own. I won’t have you mindlessly mooning over me the way you did Tim. That sort of thing is just affectation; it isn’t real, and it won’t last. I see you are intending the transfer of your boisterous devotion from Tim to me, and I fear for my sanity and peace of mind. We won’t pursue anything until this thunderstruck phase has passed, and you are able to be sensibly in love, like a normal person.’
‘I don’t want this phase to pass,’ she said quietly, nuzzling into his chest.
Radley kissed the top of her head fiercely, several times, and then drew back, leading her to one of the sunloungers. He sat down and hauled her into his lap, where she curled up against him, her head resting on his chest. She tucked her legs in tightly, making herself into a cosy little ball, feeling the warmth of his large body beneath her. Physically she felt utterly safe, but her heart was screaming in her chest, warning her not to believe in the lure of corporeal comfort. Her emotions were too extreme, and dangerous.
‘Now I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a night of lengthy speeches for me,’ said Radley, kissing her head again. ‘Are you sitting comfortably?’
Bernadette laughed at his antics. ‘Yes. Very comfortably,’ she said, basking in the moonlight like a cat, rubbing her head against his chest and practically purring.
‘Excellent. Now this is the story of our immediate future. Do you want to hear it?’
‘Like a fortune?’ she asked.
‘Exactly like a fortune: something preordained, written across the stars in an everlasting firmament.’
‘Yes!’
‘Very good. Well, here’s what’s going to happen: we’re going to enjoy Tim and Elizabeth’s wedding with a clear heart and a light conscience. Yes?’ There was a warning tone in the way he asked the question that caused Bernadette to answer hastily.
‘Yes,’ she said, nodding fervently.
‘And then when we get back to Los Angeles, you’re going to take a little time to decide exactly what it is that you’re feeling for me. Take as long as you need … except you mustn’t take too long about it, if we’re going to get married and h
ave a whole parcel of babies, because I’m not getting any younger.’
Bernadette laughed again, enjoying his teasing, but her stomach tightened at the thought of being married to Radley. ‘How long will it take you to decide what it is you feel about me?’ she asked.
‘No time at all,’ he said, merrily. ‘I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you from the very first evening we met. I love you as tenderly and completely as it is possible for a man to love a woman.’
She didn’t dare look up at him.
‘Shall I go on?’ he asked.
She nodded, unable to form words.
‘Once you’ve thought everything through scrupulously, and if you decide you want me, then there’ll be no stopping us, Bernadette. We will live the happiest of happy-ever-afters! You will be Queen of Clarion. We are the same, you and I, capable of a genuinely equal and loving partnership.’
‘Do you still think I’m selfish?’
He squinted at her, as if assessing. ‘I think you still are a bit … yes, maybe a very little bit. But I think you’ve had to be selfish, to protect yourself. From now on, I intend to protect you. You will mellow with love and security, I know it. But no more childish behaviour from you. We’re leaving your childhood far behind. You’re a grown woman, accountable and intelligent. You don’t need to be selfish any more.’
Radley was irresistibly happy, the corners of his mouth dancing with mirth, his eyes flaming with love and sentiment. Bernadette was awed by the sight of someone as ardent as herself. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you loved me before now?’ she demanded.
‘Couldn’t you tell?’
‘No! You’re such a strange person. You use effusive language all the time; who could ever tell what you really think?’
‘Would it have done me any good to tell you before now?’
‘Probably not,’ Bernadette admitted.
‘You seem to have a habit of trampling on and despising any creature unlucky enough to have feelings for you.’
‘What do you mean? I do not!’ she gasped indignantly.
‘What about David?’
‘Oh, fuck David! David doesn’t count for anything!’
Radley lifted a disapproving eyebrow, and she rushed to clarify. ‘I mean, the reason David doesn’t count is because his feelings aren’t true. He doesn’t know me at all, he doesn’t see me, he just has a crush on this imaginary, projected person.’
‘Now who does that sound like?’ asked Radley, slyly.
‘Oh well, let’s not get philosophical!’ she said carelessly, tossing her head in impatience. ‘You were telling me that you loved me …’
‘Yes. Would you like me to tell you again?’
‘Yes please,’ in a small voice.
‘Bernadette, I love you.’
She quivered in his arms, almost unable to believe that the handsome, charismatic, powerful man in front of her was speaking with such sincerity and tenderness. The universe was good to Bernadette, but surely not that good? Was it all some horrible trick?
‘Do you promise? How can I know you’re telling the truth?’ she asked quietly, fiddling with one of his shirt buttons.
‘I suppose you can’t, initially. But the passing of time will help. Despite my loquacity around you, I’m actually much more a man of action, rather than words. You will know by my actions, over time. Because I intend to show you what love is in everything I do, going forward.’
She closed her eyes and moved to kiss him, but felt his finger against her mouth, stopping her. ‘Not yet, Bernadette. I want you to be sensible of the choice you are making. You can’t kiss me to bide time; I won’t be satisfied.’
She peeked at him from under dark, bristly lashes, looking so much like an inquisitive sparrow that he laughed out loud.
‘I think I am yours,’ she said carefully. ‘I mean, I think you might be crazy, but everyone seems to think I’m crazy too, so I suppose that would make sense. There’s certainly no one I can think of that I would rather kiss.’
He laughed again. ‘I’ll be content with that for now, though I’ll deny you your kiss until you’re on sure ground. Our first kiss was in the most unromantic environment possible – when we’d had plenty of prior opportunities to do it romantically. Trust you to kiss me in an ugly stairwell that stank of Chinese food! Next time, we do it right.’
‘This is quite romantic,’ she said, leaning in hopefully, gesturing vaguely to the moon and the ocean.
‘Yes,’ he said, getting to his feet and taking her with him. ‘This is very romantic. But it’s not our celebration.’
She let him lead her back inside, and they joined the party proper. It was a long evening for Bernadette, who did not like listening to speeches or conversing with strangers, and who was entirely overcome with her own particular affairs. Tim and Elizabeth sat enthroned at the centre of their adoring friends and families, like royalty at a banquet.
Radley and Bernadette did not speak much, but they sat next to one another, aware of the physical space between their bodies, and what little effort it would take to violate the gap. She was so confused by her new-found affection that it made her quite human, and she was very nice indeed to David, who sat on the other side of her. David recognised Radley as a romantic rival, but was too in awe of him to do much about it. Radley would occasionally address a few affable remarks in his direction, and David would stumble and stutter over his reply, breaking out in a sweat.
After a friend of Tim’s had given a short speech, Lauren approached Bernadette, where she was sitting between her two gentlemen admirers.
‘Well if it isn’t the Man Whisperer,’ she drawled drunkenly.
‘Emphasis on the Man,’ muttered Bernadette.
Lauren scowled, leaning in close. ‘I know your little secret, you bitch.’
Bernadette turned in her chair to face her antagonist. ‘Oh do go away. Don’t be bitter, just because I don’t want to be with you. You don’t know anything.’
‘I know you’re a bitch,’ Lauren sneered, backing away. ‘You’re a messed-up bitch.’
Bernadette turned angrily to Radley. ‘Did you tell Lauren I was gay?’
Radley pretended to think about it, then shrugged. ‘I might have done.’
‘Idiot. You’ve caused me all kinds of trouble.’
‘I may have contributed slightly, but I think I had honourable intent.’ He pressed his lips to her ear in a way that made her shudder with desire. ‘At the time, I was trying to distract Lauren from her theory that you were in love with Tim.’
Bernadette’s heart sank to think of her so-called love for Tim. What a waste of years of concentrated longing. She felt shamed and slightly dirty; loving Tim no longer seemed like the honourable thing.
Once the party reached its conclusion, Elizabeth and Bernadette walked back to their room arm in arm. Elizabeth prattled happily about the evening, aglow with excitement and anticipation. Bernadette offered murmurs of approval and consent, but could hardly focus. The darkness around them seemed to be pressing against her, the tall trees were whispering unnaturally, and the only thing that could protect her from the engulfing dark, the terrifying unknown, was Elizabeth’s mercy. She clutched harder at her friend’s arm. It suddenly seemed so glaring and obvious: Radley Blake was a good man, and she was in love with him. She thought desperately of how stupid she had been, and how many times she could have lost his love and attention. Her foolish pursuit of Tim could have cost her everything. Why had she been so blind to the truth? It seemed as though she had been almost purposely damaging any chance of happiness. And how easily she had been willing to hurt Elizabeth! She felt sick with self-loathing.
When they entered the warmth of the bridal suite, Bernadette felt a sense of relief, as though a predator had been pursuing them on their night-time walk. The emotion coursed through her body, and made way for sudden tears.
‘I’m … I’m in love with him!’ she cried, clutching at her stomach as though she had been punched, gasping for
air and leaning against the closed door for support.
Elizabeth turned in alarm. ‘Who, my darling?’ she asked breathlessly. ‘Who are you in love with?’
‘Radley!’ wailed Bernadette. ‘I’m in love with Radley!’
‘Well of course you are!’ Elizabeth said, with a laughing exhale. ‘Of course you’re in love with him.’
‘But I’m frightened. I love him too much. It’s not going to be. I can feel it! Something terrible is going to happen. How can he love me when I’m so dreadful? And he knows it all! He knows how bad I am!’
Elizabeth gently led Bernadette to the bed and sat with her, rubbing her back rhythmically. ‘You’re not bad,’ she said lightly. ‘You’re a human being. And nothing terrible is going to happen. Radley’s just the best. He’s good, and kind, and so smart. He’s not going to hurt you, I promise. I’m happy you’ve finally realised you love him. I could have told you that ages ago!’
Bernadette looked up though her tears. ‘Really? You knew that I loved him?’
‘Of course! You guys have this crazy energy around you whenever you’re together. It’s insane – practically visible sparks of love and chemistry. Tim and I talk about it all the time.’
‘Tim thinks I’m in love with him too?’
‘Yeah, it’s been obvious from the beginning. And Radley told us he was in love with you immediately. He’s crazy for you. He’s honestly never been like this about anyone. He’s a super-proud man, very reserved usually, private and sensitive – but with you, he just couldn’t help himself. He said right away that he would do anything for you.’
Bernadette settled into snuffles, wiping away tears with the back of her hand and rubbing her face against Elizabeth’s shoulder.
Acts of Love Page 24
