by Candis Terry
Quietly, Annie got out of her car and closed the door. Her tennis shoes made little sound as she approached the wraparound veranda. It wasn’t until she got close that Hank lifted his big black head. When he recognized her, he gave a swinging wag of his tail, then laid his head back down. As Annie reached the steps, she realized that whether Jake was asleep or not, there were wet streaks down both of his chiseled cheeks. His chest heaved as though he was having trouble breathing.
The sight of a man’s tears had the ability to destroy her. That this man happened to be Jake, whom she happened to be crazy about no matter what a complete shit he happened to be once in a while, gave her heart an agonizing twist.
She stepped up onto the veranda.
Jake’s eyes shot open, filled with utter panic.
“Take them.” Arms out, he jolted up from the rocking chair. Neither baby flinched. “Please.”
“Sure.” While she gathered up the sleeping babies, she noticed that his hands trembled. The moment she had both children in her arms, Jake flew off the veranda and raced toward the barn.
“Are you okay?” she called, fighting back the urge to run after him.
Without giving a response, he kept walking. His dog followed.
She watched until they disappeared into the barn. After she went into the house, she settled both babies in their pack and plays. Neither of them moved a muscle, so Annie went in search of Jana. She came up empty and sat down at the kitchen table to wait. Roughly ten minutes later, Jana came through the kitchen door loaded down with empty cardboard packing boxes.
“Hey, sugarplum. I didn’t expect you back so soon.”
“I feel bad always having to ask for help, so I thought I’d cut you some slack and get here early.”
“Did you get all your chocolates done?” Jana asked, setting the boxes down near the hall door.
“Yes. Thank you.” She glanced out the kitchen window and caught sight of Jake just as he rode Rocky out of the barn. Hank followed a short distance, but when Rocky had a pair of heels to his flanks, the horse could run like a rocket. Hank finally gave up and lay down in the middle of the drive to await Jake’s return.
“Well. I wonder where he’s off to in such a hurry.” Jana looked out the window too. Then she propped her hands on the hips of her jeans. “I got a call from Eloise Parker, who said she had plenty of boxes I could use but I had to come get them right this minute so they’d quit taking up space in her hobby room. I asked Jake if he could watch the kids for just a few minutes.”
“When I drove up, Jake was sitting in the blue rocker on the veranda with both kids sleeping in his arms. I thought he was asleep too, but . . .”
“But what?”
“But when I got close, I noticed streaks of tears down his cheeks.”
“Oh dear.” Jana dropped into a kitchen chair.
“What do you think happened?”
“You know my son. He doesn’t say much unless he’s feeding you a line of BS or arguing with his brothers. But I’ve noticed that since he’s been home, he’s been keeping a wide berth of the little ones.”
“I’ve noticed too.”
“I think he’s wrestling with some mighty strong feelings about his friend Eli. Eli’s wife is pregnant, you know.”
“That doesn’t make sense.” Annie exhaled her frustration. “I mean, I understand why he feels so horrible about Eli, but the connection with him keeping away from the kids doesn’t make sense. He’s always been so great with kids. I mean, he adores Izzy, and I can see the way he looks at little Adeline.”
“I’ve tried to get him to talk, and he won’t go into details.” Jana shrugged. “He just tells me he’s fine. Tells me everything will work out just fine. But from this mother’s eyes, he’s far from fine.” She reached across the table and placed her hand over Annie’s. “Maybe you can get him to talk.”
“I doubt it. All we ever do is argue.”
“Could you please at least give it a try?” For the first time since she’d received word that Jake had been wounded, Jana’s eyes shone bright with tears. “I’m really worried about my boy.”
Annie was worried too.
“I can’t promise anything,” she said. “But it kills me to see him in so much turmoil. Do you mind watching Max a little longer? He’ll probably sleep for a while.”
“Sugarplum, the night that baby was born, I told you I’d always be here when you needed me. That offer stands until I take my final breath.”
“Thank you.” Annie leaned in and kissed Jana’s cheek. She could sense her tension, her worry, and it broke Annie’s heart to see her so torn up. “I’ll go saddle up and see if I can find him.”
“Look near the creek. That’s always been his favorite place to go work things out.”
Annie nodded. She’d look near the creek, over the hilltops, and to the ends of the earth if she had to. Jake drove her crazy for a number of reasons. But she loved him. She always had and always would. And if there was a way to help him through this tough time, she’d do what needed to be done.
Even at the risk of her own heart.
The twig snapped between Jake’s fingers as he heard the thunder of hooves beating against the dry earth in the distance. He’d kicked off his boots and was sitting with his feet dangling in the cool water. The bottle of Jack at his hip had several shots missing that now warmed the pit of his stomach. He hated to rely on a bottle to get him through anything. Normally, he wasn’t that weak. But holding those babies in his arms had crushed any power he had to overcome the anguish.
Adeline, his newborn niece, had the sweetest little bow lips that moved when she slept like she was sucking a pacifier, and her dark lashes spread like angel wings across her chubby little cheeks. Clean and fresh in her little pink sleeper, he’d wanted to hold her close to inhale that sweet baby scent. To immerse himself in the innocence and try to remember back to a time when life hadn’t been so messed up.
Little Max was all boy. When he slept, he let everything go. Mouth open and eyelashes fluttering. His relaxed arms and legs hung limp and flopped like a rag doll. Max played hard, and as Jake held him, he could smell the sweat from his curly blond hair. Jake remembered that smell. It had been hard to get away from when you shared a room with a brother or ended up in a headlock from another.
The last thing he’d intended to do that day was be responsible for two innocent little lives. No one should trust him. He’d proven himself unworthy. But as usual, he’d been pulled in by his mother, and he’d been unable to tell her no.
He’d been out back measuring for a patio when she came outside and asked him to watch the kids for a few minutes while she ran to Mrs. Parker’s house to grab some boxes. He’d been hesitant but figured since both little ones seemed content in their playpens, he wouldn’t actually have to do anything until his mom came back.
He’d been wrong. So freaking wrong.
No sooner had his mother put her truck in DRIVE than both kids started fussing. The fussing had turned to crying. Adeline produced real tears and even gotten the hiccups. The more Adeline cried, the more Max joined in. Heart torn, Jake fixed up a bottle for each of them, then he faced the real issue. He could load an M27 and keep an eye on the enemy line simultaneously, but he hadn’t been able to figure out how to feed and soothe both kids at the same time.
He’d tried several options, but nothing calmed either child until he picked them up. The only solution he’d been able to come up with was to hold a baby in each arm. Max, he learned, could hold his own bottle. Adeline, not so much. When they continued to fuss, he figured rocking them might help calm them down.
What he hadn’t realized when he’d gone outside to sit in the big blue rocker was how painful it would be to hold them in his arms. He’d had an idea, but reality was a much harder punch than anything his imagination could conjure up.
While he’
d held them, he again thought of Eli and Rebecca, and their unborn child. In his mind, he pictured them all together as a family. And then that picture shattered like jagged shards of glass. It had been Adeline’s contented little sigh that completely destroyed him. He’d barely been able to control himself until Annie showed up to rescue him.
Now, as the hoofbeats came closer, Jake wondered who’d been brave enough to follow him after the way he’d stormed off and raced out of the barn. He was in a foul mood, and he felt sorry for whoever had made the choice to seek him out.
Within moments, their sorrel mare, Dandy, and her four white socks appeared through the long Texas grass, with Annie in the saddle.
“Might as well turn that mare right back around,” he warned.
“You’re not the boss of me, Jake Wilder.”
Annie swung down from the saddle and tied Dandy’s reins next to Rocky. Then she and her skintight jeans marched right over to where he sat on the creek bank in a big knot of conflict.
“I can go anywhere I want on this ranch.”
“Then you should have picked a friendlier spot.” He lifted the bottle of Jack to his mouth. Annie’s hand snaked out and snatched it away.
“Is this your solution to whatever’s got you so tangled up?”
“Doesn’t hurt.”
“Doesn’t help either.”
He shrugged. “All a matter of opinion.”
“Then how about we both sit here and get completely shit-faced. Afterward, we can try not to complain when the real problems are still waiting for us when we sober up.”
He shot her a glare. “I hate it when you make sense.”
“And I hate it when you’re upset.” She put the top on the bottle and tossed it out of reach. Then she sat down by him, close enough that he could feel the warmth from her body. “You don’t need Jack when you’ve got me. I’m your friend. Remember?”
He sighed. Dropped his head and shook it. “You know what a guy hates, Annie?”
“To wear dresses and high heels?”
“No.” A sarcastic chuckle rumbled in his chest, but he couldn’t look her in the eye. “A guy hates to be weak. He hates to involve other people in his problems. And he hates to have to admit that he doesn’t have the answers.”
“That’s a whole lot of hate going on, Jake.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Are you still talking to the counselor?”
He nodded. “Isn’t doing any good, though.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m still pissed enough to break a brick wall with my bare hand.”
“In my experience, anger comes from confusion, a misunderstanding, or the sense of a lack of control.”
“There’s no misunderstanding that it’s my fault Eli and the others are dead, Annie. There’s no confusion that Eli’s child will grow up without a father. Or that I have yet to find the balls to go visit his wife after I promised my best friend that I would make sure she was taken care of if he got killed. And as far as control goes? In training, I was given options that, had I not been such a know-it-all smart-ass and paid better attention in class, I probably would have made a better decision that day.”
She held her hands up like she was weighing something. “Gee, I don’t know. On one hand, you’ve got four walls, a blackboard, and a pleasant atmosphere. On the other hand, you have rocks, blinding heat, and bullets flying at you all while you’re trying to concentrate on a combustible situation.”
“I made a mistake, Annie.”
“So you’re going to compare the ability to make a decision in a safe classroom against a split-second decision made in a real-time war situation?”
“There shouldn’t be a difference.”
“Of course there is. Because you’re perfectly human.”
“I’m not a perfect anything.”
She settled her hand on his shoulder, and he finally looked up. Though the shade of the sweeping branches of the towering oaks blocked out the direct sun, her eyes were bright with moisture.
“Even machines are fallible, Jake. And you, most certainly, are not a machine. You were taught options. You chose the one for the situation you thought best. You had a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right or wrong. Those aren’t exactly great odds.”
“The Marines promoted me to second lieutenant because they believed I could do the job. My men trusted me. I failed.”
“Did your mission stop the enemy from advancing?”
“That’s what the report said.”
“And do you think the military is going to lie just to make you feel better?”
“No.”
“Then why won’t you believe them? You all may have walked into an ambush, but you accomplished your mission. Lives were lost. And that’s horrible. But you didn’t fail the mission, Jake.”
“I failed my troops.”
On an audible exhale, she lifted her hand to his back and slowly stroked him in a comforting manner. “Did you fail them on purpose?”
“You know I’d never do that.”
“Then how can you continue to beat yourself up for something that wasn’t intentional? If you want to blame anyone, blame the enemy.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re faceless. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I can’t see them.”
“So it’s easier to blame what you can visualize?”
“Maybe.” He looked away from the confusion in her eyes. It was nearly impossible to explain the way he felt to someone who’d never been in his situation. Which is why he felt it a complete waste of time to talk to a counselor who’d never gone any farther than from behind his desk.
Unable to handle the intensity in the conversation and the insane yearning for this woman who wanted so badly to help, he got up and walked farther down the creek. Barefoot, the rocks and sticks that poked the bottoms of his feet reminded him of the shrapnel that had penetrated his boots that day, and a chill settled in his spine.
A few moments later, Annie caught up to him.
“Haven’t you had enough?” He reached down and picked up a floating leaf. At her silence, he came up and found her looking right into his eyes.
She lifted her hand and tenderly weaved her fingers through the hair near his temple. His frustration made him want to flinch, but her touch felt like a life preserver. And he grabbed hold.
“Guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” she said. “Even though you still have possession of my torn panties.”
That made him smile.
Hell, everything about Annie made him smile.
She moved closer and brought with her the sweet scent of chocolate and warm woman.
“Everyone has their breaking point, Annie.” He trailed his fingers down the soft, silky strands of the hair framing her pretty face. “You should be tired of listening to me whine all the time.”
“Stop it. You’re not whining. You’re feeling. Expressing those feelings. And that’s really important to process through everything. I’m here for you, Jake. I don’t want to be your booty call—the one you think of when the bar closes, and there’s no one else around. But I want to be here for you because your heart and soul need me.”
“I would never think of you as a booty call.” He captured her face between his hands and brushed a kiss to her luscious mouth. Then he pressed his forehead to hers. “And I do need you, Annie. I really do.”
When he drew her into his arms, felt her heart beat against his own, nothing felt more right. Nothing took away the ache more than being with her. Nothing gave him an inkling of hope like it did when she wrapped her arms around him and just gave him her heart. He knew that heart was fragile after what she’d been through. And he’d never take that for granted. In her strength he found comfort.
For a long moment, with nothing but the sound of the breeze floating through the leaves and the trickle and splash of water in the creek at their feet, they stood there in each other’s arms.
In that moment, he didn’t feel so broken.
“I really do need you.” He looked down and tilted her face up to meet his gaze. “And I don’t mean as just friends.”
Annie’s heart leapt with joy. For him to admit that he needed anything was not just a matter of pride for him. It was declaring weakness. Defeat. And anyone within ten counties knew the Wilder brothers didn’t readily admit their vulnerabilities.
When Jake had been a boy, he’d tried so hard to keep up with his big brothers, and they’d tortured him. Affectionately, of course. But there were no ends to what he’d do to gain their admiration. He never gave up. Never surrendered to the pressure of the crazy things they’d put him up to.
Annie didn’t want to pressure him. She didn’t want to ask exactly what he meant or where they’d go from here. She just wanted to be there for him—with him—as a friend, a lover, or whatever he needed right at this moment. Stepping from his arms, she began to unbutton her blouse. Surprise lifted his severely drawn brows.
“What are you doing?” Deep and rich, his voice invisibly touched parts of her that reacted with a warm tingle.
“That should be obvious.” She gave him a smile as she tossed her blouse aside where it fluttered down over a large rock. Then she reached for her boots. “As much as you need me, I think I may need you even more.”
“Annie–”
“Sssh.” She tossed the boots, came forward, and pressed a finger to his lips. “We can talk later.”
“What about all the stupid things I’ve said to you?”
“Oh, they’re still stupid. But right now, I’m going to pretend they never happened.”
