During light conversation prior to dinner my date mentions casually that she likes to “fuck” in a Nazi uniform she made.
@SandyBabs
He gave me $20 bills to get myself something from every shop. He kept the change. Turned out the bills were fake.
@sinistergiraffe
I once phoned a date to ask why he was late, or if he needed directions. He said he was busy doing “hundreds of pushups.”
@feliskitty
He spent 20 minutes explaining how to get on and off a ski lift with a snowboard. I hadn’t actually asked.
@CarlRMay
She said “I really hoped you’d be someone else” and left.
@cazzahickey
On my last date the guy had a pet wooden giraffe that had its own Facebook page. His name was Sebastian. (The giraffe.)
@JulieDawnTweets
His opening line: “How many cats do you have?” Me: “Eh . . . two.” Him: “Knew it.” He then told me about the time he ran one over.
@LynneMiles
Dull evening, no chemistry. Walking to the subway, he announces: “I’m finding it so hard to walk with this erection.”
#THE CHARMLESS CHEAPSKATE
@featuresjourno
Me: “Let’s split the bill.” Him: “I should think so too; my mom didn’t burn her bra so women like you could get a free meal.”
Paying for the cost of a night out should be simple. You either go halves, or one of you displays a bit of unexpected generosity and offers to pay for the lot. And you then have the back-and-forth “No, you mustn’t” / “Yes, I insist” argument. Disagreement over excessive generosity is perfectly permissible in the book of modern social etiquette, but arguments over lack of it are, by contrast, excruciating. “No, you had the steak and that cost more than my fish” is a gigantic signpost informing you that a relationship with this person would mean joyless belt-tightening and an incessant counting of loose change. Everyone has a budget, of course—the problem occurs when you produce the budget from your pocket and start waving it about, complaining loudly.
@WriterChickNJ
My date kept talking about his love of Woody Woodpecker cartoons, describing several episodes in excruciating detail.
@theladymoo
I refused a kiss goodnight so he asked if he could see my ass instead. I said no thanks.
@TakinOutTheTash
Him: “I like filtering people on dating websites. I would never date an Indian girl, for example.” Me: “I’m half-Indian.”
@jonesr
Halfway through the date he paused and said “I’m sorry, I have absolutely no idea what your name is.” Sigh.
@NicholasPassant
Took a date to bed, where she denied the Holocaust.
@MissHEB
My friend invited her date over for a cup of tea. When she brought in tea and biscuits he had his penis in his hand. He said: “Don’t you like it?”
@hellosarwah
I’m 4'11". Went on date with a 6'4" guy. He said he felt like he was with his daughter. Then I spilt pasta sauce down my top.
@quentinwembley
As the appetizers arrived in an Indian restaurant, she said “I’m going to leave, you’re drawing too much attention by being fat.”
@DewGirl99
He asked me at dinner if my breasts were real. He said he would only date me if they were implants. Told him he would never know.
@johannakohvakka
The guy had a remote vibrator with him and suggested I go to the bathroom and put it on so that he could control it remotely.
@algae
Detour via the prison before dinner. To bail out his brother. Who’d stabbed his girlfriend.
@shelbel99
He wouldn’t let me get out of the car until I finished listening to a Simply Red song. He reached across and held the door shut.
@martyj21
I escaped from a morning-after situation by joining an animal rights march, shouting “This is important to me.”
@Uliefay
I once agreed to have dinner with my boss, where he addressed me as “my little mouse.” “Would my little mouse like a glass of wine?”
@afternoon_twee
He was an exchange student. He took 25 minutes and a Spanish-English dictionary to ask if he could take a “sensual picturegraph” of me. I declined.
@Katchooo
Me: “So, what do you like to do?” Him: “I actually have quite a significant porn collection.”
@feliskitty
He turned up with two shopping bags stuffed full of toilet rolls. He told me he’d nicked them from his work.
@l_a_coaster
He insisted I feed him at lunch and at the movies by smacking his lips together and leaning toward me.
@Katie_Reynolds
Realizing he wasn’t going to get laid, he chatted up a random girl on a pedestrian crossing, ditched me, and went off with her.
@BruceRenny
There was the woman into whose handbag I accidentally tipped a pint of steaming hot onion gravy.
@JessicaRoseJRv
One boy texted me the complete lyrics to “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” replacing the word “hit” with “text.” I did not respond.
@ChristineCarr
On date two, he told me EXACTLY the same stories as on date one. Like following a script. I began chipping in, and he said we were “so in tune.”
@captainrobs
I said “So, how big is America then?” to an American.
@CaraWilsonEssex
He didn’t speak nor make eye contact. When he did finally speak his words were “I could be watching football.”
@msemmabray
Went out with a guy who sent me a scanner pic of his penis the next day, squashed against the glass, with his number written on it.
@pinsandnoodles
He admitted he had been in prison, unraveled his socks to reveal drugs, then asked if I wanted a loan. I was 18.
@KiterPilot
He thought it would be fun to sneak up behind me and give me a fright when we met. I thought he was a bag-snatcher and punched him.
@JulietDuV
He wouldn’t take his hat off as he’d just had a hair transplant.
@phozzyk
He told me that if I wanted to ask a question I had to say “Please, Sir.” He then ordered a peach schnapps & lemon.
@meikosoned
He couldn’t remember or pronounce my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
@Rhymeswithruler
He said women should cook. I said what if I work longer hours and come home late? He said “I’d wait.”
@WhiteGirlWit
He took me to Taco Bell and showed me his tattoos of Sonic the Hedgehog and the state of Ohio.
@Kriswould
My date introduced me to her boyfriend, then apologized because she didn’t think he’d be there.
@VioletNights
He took me to dinner. No chemistry & little conversation. He kept saying “Bet you can’t wait for this to be over, can you?”
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to Jenny McIvor, Tim Bates, Rory Scarfe, Julian Flanders, Craig Stevens, Steve Mockus, Walter C. Baumann, Courtney Drew, Emily Dubin, Becca Boe, and everyone who shared their traumatic dating stories. If you’d like to share your own, please do! Either visit www.crapdates.co.uk or tweet your story to @FirstDateHell.
About the Author
Rhodri Marsden writes for the Independent newspaper, plays in far too many bands, and is a connoisseur of crap dates. He lives in London.
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Crap Dates: Disastrous Encounters from Single Life Page 4
