“Wait, you just got it today? I dropped it in the Libby Lofts mailbox three weeks ago.”
“I’ve been in Boston and I drove back down to Richland this morning. Before the dinner rush, I decided to go to Libby Lofts and take the night off. When I checked my mail, I saw your letter. After I read it, I didn’t even think. I just got in the car, put your address in my GPS and came straight here.”
I looked into his eyes and it hurt. I was reminded of the pain I caused him over and over again. I broke eye contact and stated, “I never expected you to be here. You were so angry with me when I went back to Richland.”
“Yes,” he replied simply. “And I’m still angry.”
I squared my shoulders and tried to meet his eyes again. “I sincerely apologize. After what we shared, I shouldn’t have left you a note and disappeared while you were in the hospital. Bennett has never liked me so I should’ve never listened. I should’ve… I should’ve handled things better. I am sorry.” The tears stung my eyes, but I bit the tip of my tongue to stop the wave of emotion that was bubbling inside of me.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. Even when he’s mad, he’s gorgeous, I thought as the tension in the room rose. He licked his lips and took a step back, rubbing the back of his neck.
“You thought I never came to the hospital?” I asked quietly. He thinks that little of me? He thinks that I would just leave and not check on him or try to see him? I know I messed up but wow. I mean, he messed up too and I wouldn’t think that of him, I thought in irritation. Everything is not always all my fault, I silently quoted the mantra Dr. Summers told me and breathed deeply.
“Bennett told me when I came out of surgery that you had shown up there with…Emanuel. And then he said you probably left with him because he hadn’t seen or heard from you since that first night,” he bit out through clenched teeth. It was obvious that even saying Emanuel’s name was difficult for him as the contempt in which he said it oozed through his pores.
“It wasn’t like that. He came up here—I…He happened to be at Libby Lofts at the same time as the police. I didn’t—I didn’t invite him. If that’s what you’re thinking,” I stumbled over my words as I tried to explain. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, I puffed in and out quickly as I covered my chest with my hand.
He shook his head as if he didn’t believe me. I’m being honest. Breathe. Breathe. All I can do is be honest and that’s what I’m doing. I messed up and I’m being honest about it, I thought as I watched him in the dimly lit room. Everything is not always all my fault, I silently repeated in an effort to get my breathing in control.
He ran a hand down the side of his perfect face and started, “My focus has always been on my business. And then I met you and my priorities changed. In that short amount of time, you changed my priorities. And after a weekend with him in Georgia, you threw it all away. I don’t—”
My eyes watered as I became overcome with both sadness and anger. I burst out, “Let’s not forget the reason you were in Thomasville! I wasn’t the only one who messed up Ty!” As soon as the statement was out of my mouth, I thought, what am I doing? I’m supposed to be apologizing for what I did and instead, I’m calling him out on stuff he already apologized for. I’m not over him hiding his connection from his past from me but this was not the way this was supposed to go!
For a full minute, the living room was eerily silent, both of us waiting for the other to make a move. I bit the tip of my tongue hard to stop the tears that threatened to fall. Although I didn’t mean to say it, I couldn’t deny how I felt and I wouldn’t let a few tears discredit that if I could help it. We stared at each other and his brown eyes gave nothing away. My breathing was coming out in inconsistent bursts and I was trembling.
Finally, he broke eye contact and turned his head to the right slightly. “Point taken,” he amended, his voice taking a gentler tone. “And again, I apologize for that whole thing. Like I told you before, I should’ve tried harder to tell you. I should’ve made you listen somehow. I should’ve done a lot of things differently.”
I agreed, “Yes. You should have.”
“And you should’ve told me that you still had feelings for him, Sahara.”
Tugging at the hem of my dress, I said, “I hadn’t seen him in ten years. I didn’t…” My sentence trailed off. I didn’t what? I didn’t know I had feelings for him? That’s a lie. I’d loved Emanuel since the Kindergarten. Probably earlier, but those were my first memories of loving him. I can’t say I didn’t do anything because I kissed him. Well technically he kissed me, but I didn’t stop him. Our attraction is too strong and when I’m with him, I can’t fight it. I can’t say I didn’t mean to because although my intention wasn’t to spend any time with Emanuel, it was only because I thought he hated me. If I had known he didn’t, I probably—
Interrupting my thoughts, Ty said, “I’m going to ask you this once and only once because it’s been bothering me. That night, when I was in the hospital, when Bennett saw you with him, did you sleep with him?
My heart pounded in my chest. “No, Ty,” I gasped. “Of course I didn’t sleep with him when you were in the hospital.” But I did sleep with him two weeks ago, I finished the thought as my stomach filled with lead. The familiar feelings of guilt coated my insides and made me feel hollow. I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie, I chanted to myself silently, willing my breathing to steady itself.
Ty’s shoulders relaxed slightly as he continued to pace the wide space of the living room. “Okay,” he exhaled.
We were both quiet before I asked, “Did you sleep with the woman in your office?” I rubbed my arms up and down. If he did, I won’t feel so bad about my lie of omission, I thought.
“No,” he said simply.
I am a horrible, horrible person. And an even worse girlfriend, I concluded silently, shutting my eyes tightly for a few seconds.
He took a couple of steps in my direction before stopping and holding up the letter. “What did you hope to accomplish with this?”
Taking a deep breath, I lifted my shoulders. “I wanted to talk to you. I wanted… forgiveness? I don’t know. I just know that I wanted you to know how sorry I was. How sorry I am.”
“And now what? What’s next?” He took another few steps toward me.
“I—I don’t know…” I stammered, trailing off into silence. What do I want? I pondered as I watched him slowly and silently ease across the room. My breathing faltered as he got closer. Each step he took caused a flurry of emotions to well up inside me. Old and new feelings of love, hurt, regret, and guilt melded together and cemented me where I stood. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was feel…and it hurt in a way that only love can.
“We had a good thing going, didn’t we?” he asked as he stopped directly in front of me. I had to tilt my head upward to maintain eye contact. His perfectly chiseled features and chocolate brown eyes caused the first round of butterflies to flit their way through my belly.
“Yes,” I whispered. My heart beat so fast and so loudly that I could barely hear my own thoughts. My eyes dropped to his lips. Those perfect lips. On that perfect face, I thought as my chest tightened. What am I doing? I thought as I snapped my eyes away from the sheer perfection that was his face. I have to stop this. When I’m with Ty, I want Ty. When I was with Emanuel, I wanted Emanuel. How can I want them both? Do I want Ty so badly because Emanuel is no longer an option? And did I want Emanuel so badly because I thought Ty was no longer an option?
“I hadn’t felt what I felt for you…ever,” Ty whispered and I shivered. He put his warm hand on my shoulder and softly dragged his fingers down the length of my arm. His touch left a trail of goose bumps and I exhaled heavily. My chest heaved as I stared into his eyes and let his words sink in.
Oh wow…wow. Even though I don’t deserve him, we make sense together. I was happy with him. Ty made his mistakes. Keeping things from me was a mistake…but I did the same thi
ng to him. And on top of that, I left him while he was in the hospital. We were both wrong, I reasoned trying to make sense of my warring emotions as I got lost in the presence. Our attraction to each other was never the problem. Our pasts were. And now that Emanuel is going to be a father, my past is now just that: my past. And soon, I’ll get over him. When my heart finally realizes what my mind already knows, I’ll finally get over Emanuel Mills. And maybe apologizing and opening up to both of them worked. Maybe this is a new chapter for all of us. And maybe if Ty forgives me for my mistakes and I forgive him for his, maybe this is our do-over. If he wants to start over, we can try to start over. We—
“We both fucked up,” Ty acknowledged quietly breaking the silence and reading my thoughts. “But I know that there was a reason you were put in my life. I was so angry when I found out you had left. I knew you’d done it before, but I didn’t think that you would run away from us.” He paused and shook his head slowly. “I admit that we latched on to each other quickly, but I don’t think it was a coincidence that we found each other. You are what my grandfather wanted me to find. You are the ‘live a little’ he referred to. You are the one thing that’s made me think about a real future that has nothing to do with business.”
I listened to him carefully as I gazed at him. My heart fluttered at his words. We both suffered devastating losses, but I didn’t realize I had helped him as much as he had helped me, I thought, surprised. He always seemed so in control. Sad when he talked about family, but in control.
He continued, “When I thought you left me in the hospital and ran off with him…” With his fist balled at his sides, he shut his eyes and clenched his jaw. “I wanted to rip him apart.” He let out a harsh breath before he opened his eyes. “And you… I wanted to hate you. I wanted to forget you ever existed, Sahara. But I couldn’t…” He trailed off and just shook his head.
“Couldn’t what?” I squared my bare shoulders and braced myself for his impact of his answer.
“I couldn’t shake what it is I feel for you. I couldn’t shake how you shifted my priorities, changed my life.”
I didn’t expect him to say that. God, how did I get so lucky to find him? He changed me too, I sighed silently, my eyes filling with tears. “I—”
“But I don’t trust you,” Ty continued, effectively stopping me mid-sentence and taking all of the air from my lungs.
“Wait… wait,” I pleaded with him as I held up my hands and took a step back. I was reeling from the sudden change of events. I don’t understand. I mean I do understand but… All of the stuff he was saying. The fact that he’s here. I just thought…I thought we could try again. I thought this was my do-over. I thought this was our do-over. But he doesn’t trust me? He doesn’t want to work this out? He doesn’t want…, I couldn’t complete the thought as the tears fell. “I don’t know what to say.”
My face was warm from a lethal mix of embarrassment and disappointment. After wiping the tears from my cheeks, Ty pulled me into a hug. The softness of his shirt against the hardness of his body felt nice as I liquefied in the familiarity of his arms. Suppressing the sobs that wanted to come out, I let out small gasping breaths.
“I love you,” Ty whispered against the top of my head. I could barely hear anything he said over the sound of his racing heart.
“I love you too,” I wept against his chest. “And I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
“I know.” He paused before he added, “And I appreciate you writing this letter.”
Sniffling, I pulled away from the hug slightly in order to look up at him. “I’m going to earn your trust back. I will make this right.”
The look in his eyes filled me with despair. What did I do to this perfect man? And why? I wondered as he gave me a sad smile before kissing my forehead.
“Okay,” Ty said simply but his eyes challenged me. What does he want? I thought nervously, afraid to get my hopes up again. A slight smile played on his lips before he walked to the door of my apartment, never looking back. “See you later, Sahara.”
He does, I silently decided when the door clicked behind him, allowing a sliver of hope to pierce my thoughts. And I will. I will make this right. I’ll earn his trust. I’ll give him what he needs and help him like he helped me. He deserves that. I don’t deserve to be happy but I want to deserve to be happy. After everything I’ve done, everything I’ve been through—Nope, not going there. Everything is not always all my fault, I thought with forced determination.
Chapter 20
“Now that you’ve told me all that happened during the conversation, I want to know how you feel about what happened,” Dr. Summers acknowledged in our session one week later.
“I don’t know how I feel,” I answered honestly, picking at a lint ball on my plum dress pants.
“Have you been journaling?”
“Yes, every day. But I still don’t know… I mean, I know I want to make things right with Ty. We’ve talked every day this week, hashing and rehashing things out. And we’re going to see each other tonight on his way down from Boston.”
“I’m sensing some hesitance.”
“When I was with Emanuel, I knew I was in love with Emanuel. I knew I wanted to be with Emanuel. And I only wanted to be with Emanuel. And when I was with Ty, I knew I loved him and only wanted to be with him. That’s not normal is it? I feel so strongly about them both. I fell for Ty unexpectedly and at a time when I really needed him. He gave me the strength to go to the parole hearing. He filled a void that had been empty for so long. After the accident, I never thought I’d be happy again. I was just barely getting by until he came along.” My eyes filled with tears and I had to look away from her. I focused on the flickering candle. We were both quiet and once I was sure I wasn’t going to break down, I continued.
“Emanuel has always been it for me. He’s my protector. Until Ty, there was no other man for me. Emanuel was the end all and be all. He cuts through all of my bullshit and he weakens me. He makes me feel like the version of me that I miss, the version of me that died in that crash. Emanuel is home,” I sniffled.
Dr. Summers jotted a note down and then looked back at me. “When you are away from them both, who is it that comes to mind?”
“Both of them! I think about them both all the time. Even my nightmares alternated between the two of them. I never thought you could be in love with two people at the same time. But I think that’s what this is.” I wiped away the wetness from the corner of my eyes.
“Let’s focus on your feelings right now. How do you feel right now?”
“Scared,” I admitted quietly. The clicking of my pale pink Prada pump against the leg of the chair was the only noise as Dr. Summers stared at me, urging me to continue.
“I’m scared of hurting them. I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of losing what little I have left. And all I feel like doing is running away. Everything in me is telling me to run. But I don’t want to, I don’t want to. I’m tired of taking the coward’s way out. I made my bed now I need to lie in it.”
“What do you mean by that Sahara? You made your bed now you must lie in it?” Dr. Summers tapped her pen against her notepad as she stared at me intently.
“I mean, I created this mess and running away didn’t fix it. Running away made it worse, for everyone. So instead of running, I need to face it. I can’t always run. I have to fix it a different way…even though I deserve the punishment.”
“What do you believe you need to be punished for?”
I shifted my gaze from her pale face and intense eyes and focused on the cinnamon scented candle. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale, I coached myself silently as I took in the smell deeply. I closed my eyes and took a couple more deep breaths. When I opened them, Dr. Summers was waiting patiently.
“I’ve caused so much hurt and pain for the people I love. I deserve to be punished…everything that I’ve done. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be loved. Every time I let myself th
ink I could be happy, something happens that messes it all up. If that’s not karma telling me I deserve to be punished, I don’t know what is. I deserve the life I was living—empty, lonely, miserable, cold.” I wiped the tears that trickled down my cheeks. The thought of going back to the life I was living earlier this year filled me with so much sorrow.
“It sounds as if you are saying that even though you think you deserve this punishment, you don’t want to be punished. Do I understand you correctly?”
“Yes,” I cried, “I deserve to be punished. But I am trying to right my wrongs. I know what I deserve, but I also want to earn my salvation. I want to stop hurting people and stop hurting myself. I want to do better. I want to be better. And my first step is to repair what I broke with Ty. Maybe in doing that…it’ll repair what’s broken in me.”
Handing me a tissue, Dr. Summers leaned forward and asked, “If you were to choose between Emanuel and Tyree, you would choose…?”
I drew my eyebrows together and frowned a bit in confusion. “I’m working on my relationship with Ty.”
“Yes. You are working on your relationship with Ty. But if you were to choose, who would you choose?” Dr. Summers repeated.
Shaking my head, I slowly responded, “I don’t understand.”
“Each time you’ve chosen between Tyree and Emanuel, you’ve chosen based on the other’s situation.” Flipping back in her notes, Dr. Summers continued, “When you thought Emanuel hated you and you were faced with the parole hearing, you chose Tyree. Then you were in Thomasville for the hearing and found out Emanuel was in love with you and you chose him. Then you found out Emanuel was engaged and you chose Tyree. Then after his accident, Tyree wasn’t ready to talk to you and you ended up choosing Emanuel. Then you found out that Emanuel got his ex-fiancé pregnant and you ended that relationship and soon thereafter, Tyree received your letter and was willing to work things out… and you chose Tyree.”
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