Sitting in the living room, the soft glow of the candles dimly lit the room as music played through the speakers. The box of tissues that were on the other end of the couch fell to the floor as I stretched my legs out. The minor movement was enough to awaken my empty stomach. I didn’t cook. I didn’t eat. I didn’t do anything but cry. I cried for my father. I cried for my mother. I cried for the life I used to have. I cried for the life I was meant to have. I cried for the life I was living. I cried for the lives I’d negatively affected. I cried myself to sleep, woke up, and cried again. I didn’t reach out to anyone because I didn’t want to ruin their holiday. But it was in the final minutes of Christmas Eve that everything clicked. This isn’t just loneliness, I realized after a day of self-reflection. This is punishment. I rejected the offers to spend the holidays with others to punish myself. I thought I had come so far, but clearly not. I’m still punishing myself. What did Dr. Summers say? I need to figure out what I want. And what I want is to forgive myself.
The song switched and my phone rang simultaneously. Reaching over for my phone, my black T-shirt rode up, exposing my belly. Pulling the shirt down to meet the top of my plum colored leggings, I hit the answer button.
“Merry Christmas,” Ty chirped merrily once I picked up the phone.
The last time we spoke, he was frustrated with my decision to spend the holidays alone. So I hesitated before responding. “Merry Christmas,” I replied slowly, but with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
“What’s wrong baby girl?” The concern in his voice wrapped its way around my heart and squeezed. I didn’t think my sore eyes could muster any more tears; nonetheless, my eyes watered instantly.
“I’m tired.” My half-truth rolled off my tongue thickly. I turned on my side and the pulled the blanket over my shoulders as I held the phone to my ear.
“Hmmm,” Ty grumbled as if he didn’t believe me. “Did you get the package I sent you?”
“No, what package?” I asked, intrigued.
“I asked for it to be delivered directly to your door so you didn’t have to leave and you’d get it as soon as Christmas Day hit.”
“They didn’t call or anything. I’ve been in the living room all day and night.” I pushed the blanket from my body and sat up.
“They probably didn’t want to disturb you,” he rationalized.
“Yeah, I guess. But they didn’t call or anything. What is it?” I asked, a small smile gracing my face for the first time in at least 24 hours. Sliding on my slippers, I walked stiffly to the door and opened it.
Gasping, I mouthed, “Ty,” before dropping the phone.
“I really am going to have to buy you a new phone, aren’t I?” Ty joked as he walked forward, backing me into the apartment. My mouth was still agape as I stared at him wide eyed as the door closed behind him. He turned to lock the door and then dropped his bag on the floor before he scooped me up in his arms. I immediately wrapped myself around him as he carried me further into the apartment. Burying my face in his neck, I burst into tears.
“I got you,” Ty whispered against my ear as he sat us both down on the couch. I heard the thud of his shoes being kicked off as he got us situated. He draped the blanket over us and stroked my back and my hair while I cried. Everything I couldn’t tell him, everything I kept bottled up, poured out of me in the form of salty tears and heart wrenching sobs. “Flaws And All” played around us and I poured it all out while he whispered words that affected me in ways he would never understand.
When I woke up, hours later, I was alone in bed. Groggily, I stretched and sat up against the headboard. The sun shined deceptively bright. Was it a dream? I thought as I wiped my face with both of my hands. It was way too real to be a dream. Right? Ty was here last night. Wasn’t he?
My confusion was compounded by the hunger headache I was experiencing. Deciding to go to breakfast instead of cooking, I quickly made my way to the bathroom. The hot water, the steam, and the smell of lavender and jasmine woke me up fully. Wrapping a towel around my freshly washed body, I stood in front of the mirror to brush my teeth. As I brushed I gave myself a quick once over. The shower had rejuvenated me and aside from my pink eyes, all evidence of my all-day crying marathon was washed away.
Opening the bathroom door, I listened and waited. Still nothing, I thought as I made my way into my bedroom. Where’s my phone? Maybe that will give me a heads up as to what’s going on. Looking around the room, I didn’t immediately see it. But I remembered dropping it. In the hallway. When Ty showed up!
Standing in front of the closet in tiny black T-string panties and a barely there bra, I looked for something that was both warm and sexy. After a few minutes of deliberation, I decided on the black, white and red Rag & Bone long sleeved sweater dress and black tights and knee high Manolo Blahnik flat, black boots. After getting dressed, I doused my hair in a coconut oil and leave-in conditioner mix and pulled it into a low ponytail.
Taking a step back, I looked at myself. I look good, I thought clinically. Although I loved the way the dress fit my body and hugged my curves and the way the boots brought the whole outfit together, my appreciation of the way I looked didn’t stem from that. I took stock of the fact that I didn’t look sad. Sitting alone in a restaurant on Christmas Day will understandably draw a few looks. Over the years, I realized that dressing to impress had limited the amount of people who felt entitled to inquire about my being alone. Slapping on some lip gloss and a forced smile, I was satisfied with my appearance and I exited the bedroom.
As soon as I walked into the living room, I stopped short. My eyes skirted over the room as I surveyed the room. The candles had been blown out. The blanket I was using was folded and placed on the back of the couch. My phone was sitting on top of the blanket. The box of tissues weren’t on the floor anymore, they were on the table. I don’t remember cleaning any of this up, I thought as I peeked in at the spotless kitchen. Looking at the kitchen, my stomach rumbled angrily. Yeah, it’s time to eat. I’ll just call him and ask him if he was here…and if so, why did he leave? And if not…he’ll think I’m crazy for imagining he came here just to hold me. I groaned loudly. Just what I need… more ammunition for him to justify why I need to move back to Richland.
Suddenly, the door burst open. Covered in sweat, Ty mumbled under his breath as he stared at his phone. While he was busy looking at his phone, I allowed myself the pleasure of openly gawking at him. In a sweaty T-shirt and basketball shorts, Ty still managed to look like he had been ripped out of a magazine. My stomach flip flopped when he looked up and we made eye contact. Everything felt fuzzy as the electricity crackled between us.
Pulling the earbuds out of his ear, he smiled. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I returned breathily. Even after months of dating, just a look from him has the ability to make me breathless, I thought as I shook my head. “Good morning,” I stated louder and with a little more control over myself.
“You look beautiful.”
I smiled and rubbed my hand down the side of my dress. “Thank you. I got dressed to go to breakfast.” Why am I feeling nervous? I wondered as I took in a few deep breaths.
“Oh you were going to leave me?” Ty complained playfully.
“You were gone! So you snooze, you lose!” I teased back.
“I went for a run. You needed your rest so I didn’t wake you. And for my kindness, I was going to miss breakfast! That’s messed up!” Ty threw his hands in the air overdramatically.
I closed my eyes tightly and covered my hands with my face as I confessed, “I honestly didn’t know for sure that you were here! I woke up alone and I didn’t see your stuff and I was so out of it last night, I couldn’t remember if I dreamed that you came or not.” I felt embarrassment redden my skin.
Ty didn’t say anything. For at least sixty seconds, the only thing that could be heard was the faint ticking of the second hand on the oversized clock in the hallway. Then suddenly, Ty howled with laughter. I peeked at him through my open
ed fingers and he was holding himself upright against the wall. When he opened his eyes up long enough to look at me, a renewed bout of laughter seized his body.
“Are you laughing at me?” I asked with mock indignation. I put my hands on my hips and tried to give him my most serious glare.
“You thought…” he started before laughing again.
His laughter was infectious even though I was trying really hard not to laugh. But I was on the losing end of that battle as my serious façade broke into pieces as the laughter bubbled up inside me.
“You thought you dreamed me. So it occurred to me that I’m the man of your dreams,” he finished, laughing hysterically.
Unable to contain it, I laughed as hard as he did. “You are so dumb! That’s not even funny!” I giggled, with tears in my eyes.
After a minute, we had calmed down from our amusement. While we were laughing, we somehow managed to end up right in front of each other. Ty grabbed my face, careful not to touch me with his sweaty body, and said, “I live for that laugh.” I stopped breathing and the only sound I could hear was the blood rushing through my veins. I opened my mouth, exhaled shakily and then closed it because I couldn’t think of anything to say to the perfect man that stood before me. Planting a chaste kiss on my lips before releasing my face, he whispered, “Give me twenty minutes and we can go where ever you want.”
After a late breakfast at Fifth Street Café, Ty and I went to see two different movies. We saw an action packed buddy comedy at the multiplex theater and after a light lunch, we saw an independent film at an art house theater. The day passed quickly and we enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t until we were walking through the front doors of One38 did I feel comfortable asking the question that had been burning inside me since I realized I wasn’t dreaming about his midnight arrival. Depending on his answer, I did not want to have an emotional breakdown in public.
“Ty,” I began as we stepped into the elevator.
“Yes?” He answered, unbuttoning his black pea coat, showcasing his entire outfit.
Ty leaned against the elevator wall and I tried to resist the urge to take his picture. Wearing dark denim jeans and a grey and black sweater over a white button up shirt, I lost the internal battle to snap another picture of him. Pulling my phone out, I said, “Smile!”
Ty posed for a few pictures before grabbing my arm and pulling me into him. “Since I posed for your pictures, will you pose for mine?”
Giggling, I turned my back to his front and took a few pictures of us together before the elevator dinged. We made our way into my apartment. Once inside, Ty hung up our coats while I grabbed two bottles of water and we both got comfortable on the couch.
“The last time we talked, we argued because I told you I didn’t want you to come here for the holidays. And then, you were here and all is well. I’m glad you’re here but I thought you were spending Christmas with Bennett and his family.”
Ty shrugged. “I could’ve, but I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted to spend the holidays with you. I spent Thanksgiving with them because that was planned before you and I had even gotten back together. But after we reconnected, there was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be with you on Christmas.”
“After I told you I didn’t want company, what made you decide to come here last night?” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.
“We argued because I didn’t want you to be alone. The thought of you here by yourself upset or crying eats at me. But after we got off the phone, I thought about it and I understood where you were coming from. Or at least I think I do. You wanted to honor your father by upholding the same tradition that you guys shared before he passed away. I get that. You wanted to do the same thing you do every year. And that means being alone. I get that. But I just want you to know that you don’t have to be alone to honor him and the traditions you two shared. I don’t know why—I take that back, I do know why you insist on being by yourself, but I wish you didn’t feel the need to do that.” Taking a swig of water, Ty put his arm on the back of the couch and turned toward me. Looking deeply into my eyes, he whispered, “And I don’t think you want to be alone anymore, but you don’t know how to stop.”
Feeling exposed, as if he read my thoughts or my journal, I asked tentatively, “What do you mean?”
“I came here last night because I know you. And you are not the same person you were before I met you. You’re not the same person you were when we dated this summer. You’re not even the same person you were a few months ago. I know you, Sahara. I know you better than you think I do.” His tone was serious, but his small smile was tender.
“Merry Christmas,” he said, pulling a box from his sweater pocket.
“You being here was gift enough.” I felt my eyes watering. This perfect man doesn’t even realize how his being here meant more to me than anything. He knew me better than I knew myself and showed up for me when I really needed him to, I thought as the tear slipped down my cheek.
Ty moved closer to me and wiped the tear away. “Don’t cry. Open your gift.” He placed the box in my hand.
“I want to save it. I wasn’t expecting to see you until the wedding so I had the gift shipped to Emily’s.”
“That’s okay baby girl. I don’t need anything, but to be with you.”
I bit my lip to keep the goofy smile off of my face. Looking away from him, I looked down at the box in my hand. The shape of the box indicated that it was jewelry. Slowly opening it, I saw the two tickets tucked in the satiny material of the box. Picking up the tickets, I read the tiny print out loud. “This ticket provides you entry into the opening of Angels, Demons, and Savages: Pollock, Ossorio, and Dubuffet.” I covered my mouth as I read the rest in a hushed whisper. “Followed by an exclusive cocktail reception on February 9th at The Museum of Modern Art.”
My heart rate accelerated and I felt dizzy. I had to inhale deeply before I passed out. I closed my eyes tightly and clutched the box to my chest.
“Baby girl?” Ty whispered. “Look at me.”
As soon as I opened my eyes, the tears fell. Looking at him, I struggled to breathe. He wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs. His eyes implored me to say something, anything.
So I said the only thing that mattered. “I love you.”
Chapter 28
“How long do you plan to be gone?” Ty joked when he grabbed my bags out of the trunk of his car.
Looking at the amount of luggage, I had to laugh. Two large suitcases and a carryon did seem a bit excessive. “Six days is a long time!” I whined playfully as I pushed up the sleeves to my poppy colored Alice + Olivia lace sweatshirt before putting my Burberry sateen trench coat on.
“Yeah it is a long time,” Ty repeated slowly, almost despondently. He cleared his throat and attempted to smile as he said “But anytime I’m away from you feels like a long time.” He shifted his tone to flirtatious easily, but I saw right through it.
“You’re still coming Sunday right?” I asked to confirm. When he nodded, I continued in an attempt to wipe that look from his chocolate colored eyes, “Our trip to Thomasville will be completely different this time around.” I tried to sound unaffected.
“I know,” he said confidently. But his eyes seemed jaded. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the secret he was keeping from me the last time or the one I was keeping from him. Either way, I knew he wanted to believe things would be different this time around as much as I did.
We walked into the airport and the frigid air seemed to swallow us. The line to check my bags wasn’t long and we waited quietly, each of us alone with our thoughts. I was the first to break the silence. “Thank you for being my date for the wedding.”
“Of course. Better me than someone else,” Ty said with a forced laugh.
My smile was strained because I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing. “You have nothing to worry about. You have me,” I assured him. God, please don’t let Ty worry too much. Emanuel made his choi
ce and I made mine. And Ty is amazing, I prayed silently as I stared into Ty’s eyes.
“Like I told you before… I don’t do jealous. Period.”
“You have nothing to be jealous about,” I confirmed with a definitive nod of my head before I wrapped my arms around Ty’s neck. Bringing his head down, our lips touched gently at first. The heat of his kiss warmed my body. His hands went inside my coat and found the small of my back. He pulled me into him, deepening the kiss. The kiss was possessive. And when we parted, I knew what message he was trying to send. And I heard it loud and clear, I thought, slightly winded.
“Nothing at all,” I repeated as I hugged him goodbye. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Call me when you get home,” I demanded. “I won’t be able to kick off the bachelorette festivities if I’m worried about you all afternoon!”
Trailing two fingers down the side of my face, Ty smiled. “It only takes a couple hours to get back to Richland so you’ll still be in the air when I get home. How about we just both call? Deal?”
“Deal,” I agreed. We shook on it and then we kissed again. Walking backward toward the security gate, I called out, “I’ll see you on Sunday. We’ll be back from the bachelorette getaway Sunday evening. Emily said we can stay in her guest bedroom, but if you feel more comfortable at the Renaissance Hotel, that’s fine too. I’ll text you the address right now. Just let me know when you get in and I’ll come where ever you are.”
“Okay. Have a safe flight baby girl.”
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