Giving them those letters will likely result in me losing them both. And if I lose them, I can’t imagine finding anyone else who I would love to the degree that I loved them. But that’s my own fault. If I would’ve made different choices to begin with, things would be different now. I have to stay strong, I thought drifting to sleep. Once they read those letters, I won’t have either of them. Just like in my dream. I’ll end up alone.
I woke up to the sound of the alarm going off. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up in bed stiffly. I can’t believe I slept through the night, I thought as I stretched and rolled out of bed. I don’t even think I dreamed. After such an emotional day, such an emotional weekend, I expected to have a nightmare. Or a panic attack. Or both.
Grabbing my phone, I instantly saw I had no missed calls or text messages. I tried calling Ty two more times and each time, it went straight to voicemail. Sighing, I squeezed my eyes shut. I don’t even know what room he’s in at the Renaissance, I thought in defeat as the idea to call his room entered my mind.
After a long hot shower, my body felt rejuvenated. “Crap!” I muttered to myself as I realized I had taken a lot longer in the shower than I had anticipated. Checking the temperature on my phone, I pulled out a pair of Derek Lam abstract print black and white jeans. Pairing it with my knee-high flat black boots and a black Donna Karen oversized black poncho. I smiled slightly at my appearance in the mirror.
Calling a taxi, I finished throwing everything else in my luggage. I rolled my bags to the door and while I waited, I walked around the house to ensure I wasn’t forgetting anything. When I heard the horn blow, I locked the house. As the driver put my luggage in the trunk, I sent Emily a text message.
Sahara Lee: I will see you at the airport. I have to do something I should’ve done a long time ago. See you soon, Mrs. Diaz!!!!
Taking one of my earbuds out of my ear, I struggled to take a deep breath. Pulling through the gate, I felt the familiar unease of a developing panic attack. The entire drive over, I closed my eyes and listened to music. I didn’t focus on it so I didn’t have trouble breathing until I felt us turn from the smooth drive of pavement to the rough terrain of gravel. When the driver slowed to a stop, I didn’t immediately move.
“Ma’am? Are you alright?” he asked, quietly. He was an old man with wiry white hair and deep set wrinkles.
Taking two deep breaths, I opened my eyes. “Yes. Thank you. I don’t know how long I’ll be, but you can just keep the meter running,” I said before I opened the door.
“Take your time, young lady. I know how it is.” He gave me a nod and tapped the top of his newsboy cap.
I got out of the car with a towel tucked under my arm and stood for a few minutes. When I was sure the surging in my stomach wasn’t because I was going to vomit, I started walking. Even though I had never been there, I knew exactly where to go. Every year, three times a year, I have flowers delivered so I should know exactly where to go, I thought as I navigated past the main entrance signage. After a ten minute walk, I found myself at my destination. Laying the towel down on the grass of Thomas Grove Cemetery, I sat down and said, “Hi Dad.”
I sat in silence for a long time before I was able to speak again. I took in the scenery. The freshly manicured lawn with striking green grass was evenly dotted with grey headstones. Flowers of all different colors adorned different headstones. A person walked toward the exit in the distance. And then my eyes reconnected with the headstone that was right in front of me: Officer Malcolm Lee.
Clearing my throat, I started again, “I feel like I let you down, Dad.” Taking a shaky breath, I placed my hand over my chest and willed my heart to stop racing. Reaching into my handbag, I pulled out the third letter I had written and started reading it aloud.
“Dad, I’m sorry I haven’t been here since the funeral. I’m sorry I haven’t lived up to my potential. I’m sorry I went to that stupid party. I’m sorry I was too drunk to drive home. I’m sorry for the accident. I’m sorry it was you and not me.” Overcome with emotion, I let the letter drop and covered my face with my hands.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. Dr. Summers is helping me work through the guilt. She is helping me to understand that the accident wasn’t my fault. And I understand that I wasn’t the one driving. But I feel responsible for us all being there at that time,” I sobbed loudly into my hands.
The sound of my cries echoed in the otherwise vacant cemetery. Wiping my face with the back of my hands, I calmed down enough to continue. Picking up the letter, I began again.
“Every day of my life for the last ten years, I think about how everything would’ve been different had I not suggested we go to that party. I would be a doctor by now. Emily would be dancing. Emanuel would be in the NBA. And you would be alive.” Rubbing my hands together, I suddenly realized how cold my fingers were.
“I know you know how much I loved you, but I don’t think you understand how losing you devastated me. You used to promise me you’d never leave me. You promised that after Mom died, I didn’t need to fear losing you too… But I did lose you. And I was involved in the accident that killed you.”
I took a deep, wheezing breath and continued, “I’ve never experienced any kind of loss like that. Not before you and certainly not after you. When I was old enough to understand losing Mom, I missed the idea of her, but I never got the opportunity to know her. You on the other hand were my everything. You were my mom. You were my dad. You were my best friend. You were my protector. You were my confidant. You were everything to me. And the void you left is filled with darkness.”
I paused, taking a minute to wipe the tears off of the paper. “I was miserable. I’m still miserable. And feeling miserable for so long has turned me into a miserable person. I hate that I’m not anything like I used to be. I hate that I’ve grown into a cold, standoffish bitch. I hate that I’m completely closed off. I hate that I went so long without making connections to anyone. And I hate that I didn’t hold on to the connections that I had. And most importantly, I hate that you aren’t here anymore.” The truth of my self-hate and guilt bubbled out of me causing me to sob so hard, I choked on my tears. It was a deep, pain filled, ugly cry that echoed through the cemetery.
The tears slowed down eventually, but I still gasped for air. Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2 1, I coached myself silently as I turned my head up to the sky and tried to breathe more fully. Although I wasn’t sobbing anymore, I was shaking uncontrollably. It wasn’t that cold outside; however, a chill had settled within me and I couldn’t warm myself up. “Being without you has been so hard,” I whispered to the sky.
Looking back to the letter that was clutched in my hands, I read aloud. “I haven’t been living my life. I haven’t been making you proud. And that’s all I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. You always did so much for me; always sacrificed so much for me. And in return, I’ve been wasting my life running from things I can’t control. You lost your life too soon and I’ve been just taking mine for granted. I should be honoring your legacy better than this. And I will.”
“Everyone I’ve ever truly loved has been hurt because of me. It wasn’t until the other day that I realized that I’m hurting people in my attempt to not hurt them. I’m always trying to preemptively stop myself from ruining the lives of the people I love, but I end up hurting them in the process. But I’m going to do things differently this time around. I’m going to stop running. I’m going to keep seeing Dr. Summers. I’m going to make you proud of me.”
Folding the letter and returning it to my bag, I stared at my father’s name engraved on the headstone. Although my face felt tender and my eyes stung, I felt better than I had when I walked in. “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to get here. I couldn’t sing at your funeral. But I’d like to sing something for you now. Whenever I hear this song, it makes me think of you.”
Standing, I picked up the towel and folded it. After swallowing the lump in my throat, I started hu
mming the melody and then I began to sing ‘Safe & Sound.’ Tears streamed down my face and my voice broke, but I got through it. When I was done, I stood with my eyes closed and my head bowed in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, praying.
Suddenly, I didn’t feel so cold anymore. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and butterflies unraveled the knot that had been in my stomach since I had arrived. I didn’t open my eyes, but I knew he was there. It was confirmed when I heard the branch snap behind me.
I lifted my head and inhaled deeply. My voice came out raw with emotion when I whispered, “So you read the letter.”
I opened my eyes and stared straight ahead. I could tell he wasn’t directly behind me, but he was close enough that he could hear me. “And if you read the letter, you know that there will never be anyone else but you. You’re it for me. Even if the only reason you’ve come here is to break my heart and tell me you want nothing to do with me anymore. That doesn’t change anything on my end. You are the one. And I know I messed up. I know I did. And I’m sorry for that. I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry for the mistakes I’ve made. But if there is any chance, any chance at all, you could find it in your heart to forgive me, please do… because I don’t want to spend another minute without you. I know we have things we’d have to overcome, but the reality is, there’s no one more perfect for me than you.”
He didn’t say anything and I felt his stillness. With my voice breaking, I whispered, “I love you.”
My ears pricked when he moved forward. He walked past me and put flowers on the gravestone. He bowed his head in quick prayer and then turned to look at me. His facial expression was somber and gave nothing away. But his eyes were so expressive and deep. This man literally takes my breath away, I thought as my breath hitched. Without saying a word, he took a step toward me until we were just barely touching.
Pressing his forehead against mine, he demanded softly, “Say it again.”
Chapter 33
My eyes watered as I repeated, “I love you. Emanuel, I love you. I’m sorry if there was even a minute you doubted what I feel for you.”
Using his thumbs, Emanuel wiped the tears from my face. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”
Capturing my mouth with his own, Emanuel kissed me with a tenderness that caused tears to escape from my closed eyelids. He moved his hands from my face and down my neck and shoulders. He continued traveling down my arms until he wrapped his arms around me. Pulling me flush against his body, he deepened the kiss causing me to whimper lightly.
The kiss was so intense it felt like he was trying to express what he felt for me through his lips. I started to feel weak as butterflies spread across my belly and through my entire body. My knees weakened and he gripped me tighter, keeping me on my feet, keeping me grounded. Even through the impassioned fog his kiss and his touch put me in, the metaphorical significance of the moment wasn’t lost on me.
When he pulled away from the kiss, he just stared at me and I stared back in awe. He’s here. He’s really here, I thought in amazement.
“I love you Sahara Michelle Lee. I’ve probably loved you my whole life. I love everything about you. I love your mind. I love your body. I love your soul. You make me feel like I’m dreaming with my eyes open.”
My heart pounded in my chest as he looked at me with a mix of familiarity, passion and understanding. He gets me in a way no one else ever would; He gets me in a way no one else ever could, I thought as my breathing became more labored. He knew me then and he knows me now and he still loves me. He knew my pain. He knew my joy. He knew my heart. And after all the hurt we’d gone through and all the hurt I’d caused because of my cowardice, he still loves me. He still loves me.
The way his grey eyes flashed and bore into mine, it was as if he could see my thoughts. I took one shaky breath after another as I tried to slow the flood of emotions I felt.
“Say something beautiful. What are you thinking?” Emanuel whispered.
“I’m thinking I don’t ever want to go another day without you.” I bit my lip and peeked through my lashes at him.
Smiling back, he pressed his forehead to mine and said, “You don’t ever have to worry about that.”
“But what about…” I swallowed thickly. “What about Ashlyn?”
The smile slowly fell from his handsome face and he stood up straight, looking deep into my eyes. He lifted his eyebrows and shook his head. “I don’t want you to worry about that.”
I looked down and stared into his hard chest. I placed my hand on his heart. Swallowing again, I said, “Like I said in the letter, I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt your chances of being—”
“Sahara,” he interrupted, using a hand to grab my face and forcing me to look into his eyes again. “I’m handling it. We are in this together, but I just need you to trust me. ”
“I trust you. I do. I trust you with my heart. I trust you with my life. But I don’t trust her. So we need a plan. I can’t lose you but I also can’t let you lose your child.” The knot in my belly ballooned and then sank heavily. The obstacles we faced as a couple seemed to weigh me down. But as if he knew instinctively that I was sinking, he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me up.
“I’m not losing either of you. Mr. McMannus is working on it,” Emanuel uttered with quiet confidence.
“How?” I asked, my voice resigned and shaky.
“Ashlyn’s been served a court order for a paternity test. I wanted to do it as soon as I got back from my Appalachian trip, but because it’s invasive, it needed to wait. I have all the paperwork, but we can meet with Mr. McMannus together and he can explain it all to you. But just know that we can get through anything together.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. “I’m just scared, Emanuel. Think of all the things that keep coming up to keep us apart.”
“Look at me,” he commanded. I opened my eyes instantly. “Through all of those things, we keep finding our way back to each other.” Removing a hand from my lower back and gesturing between the two of us, he continued, “This is real.”
I swallowed hard and licked my lips. I was rendered speechless. My chest rose and fell steadily as I gaped at him.
Seizing the opportunity, Emanuel bent down slightly so that we were eye level and rested his hands on my hips. “You are mine. And nothing is taking you away from me again,” he swore forcefully. “Do you understand that?”
His eyes pleaded for me to believe that we would be okay. I don’t know if it was the words he just expressed or the look he was giving me or the overwhelming lifelong desire I had to be with him, but I suddenly realized, I believed him.
“I’m yours,” I breathed. “I’ve always been yours. Always.”
Moving his hand to the curve of my ass, Emanuel lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on to his shoulders. “I love you,” he murmured as he held me close.
Burying my face into his neck, I inhaled deeply. His outdoorsy cologne filled my nostrils and my heart. I let my fingers play with his soft black hair. “I love you too.”
We stood intertwined and completely still for a few minutes. I could feel his heart beating against me. The steady beat matched my own. The serene stillness of where we were made it easy to imagine we were the only ones in the world. When a car horn shattered the peaceful moment, I unlocked my legs from around his back and slid down his hard body.
“That was your taxi at the entrance?” Emanuel asked as he wrapped his arm around me and we headed in the direction of the exit.
“Yeah.” I looked at my watch. I hope he’s still waiting, I thought as I was tucked in the nook of his arm. Even though I was marginally worried the taxi driver would drive off with my bags, I smiled contently as we made our way down the path and through the front gate.
I didn’t see the taxi in the parking lot and panic immediately set in. I looked around nervously. “I don’t…” My voice trailed o
ff as I looked around the parking lot again.
Kissing the top of my head, Emanuel whispered in my hair, “I’ve arranged for you to get to the airport a different way.”
As if on cue, I noticed the white Acura with the arm waving out of the window. “Hey!” Emily yelled, before getting out of the car.
“What?” I gasped, turning to look at Emanuel. My face erupted into a smile. “What’s going on?”
Intertwining our fingers, he smiled. “Emily and Anthony are going to take your luggage to the airport.” Emanuel lifted our hands and kissed the back of mine. “I’m going to take you.”
When Emily reached us, she gave us both a big hug. “Manny do you want us to follow you or are you going to follow us? It makes me nervous to have you behind us.”
“You can follow us then, Em. Whatever works,” Emanuel shrugged.
“Well will you tell Anthony please? We need to make moves to the airport soon! Hawaii is calling our names!” Glancing at me, she joked, “Well work is calling her name, but Anthony and I have fun in the sun in our near future.”
Laughing, I responded, “Exactly. Going back to work tomorrow has nothing on a Hawaiian honeymoon.”
Emanuel looked at me and winked before responding to his sister, “I’ll talk to Anthony.” He kissed the back of my hand again before he released it. Taking the towel out of my hand, he walked down the sidewalk.
Looking over her shoulder to make sure he was far enough away, Emily handed me a folded envelope. “I left something at home and when I went to get it, this was stuck in the door.” The white envelope had my name scrawled across it in Ty’s handwriting.
I exhaled before I met Emily’s intense stare. When I looked at her, she knew, and her eyes widened. “It’s him isn’t it?”
I nodded and looked over at Emanuel. I couldn’t hear him, but I saw his lips moving and then he looked up at me and smiled. Immediately, Anthony and Emanuel did the half handshake, half hug thing that most guys do and Emanuel made his way over to the direction of his motorcycle.
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