by A. V. Zeppa
I love to kiss him. We even have fun with it sometimes by kissing in front of homophobic guys at school. The disgusting looks they give us are priceless. They haven’t called me faggot or queer since the end of tenth grade after I beat the shit out of Derek, a senior, and captain of the Lacrosse team.
Here’s what happened. He started picking on me, along with a few of his jock buds after I came out. One day when I was on my way to meet Jayden and Jamie for lunch, they cornered me. Derek pushed me against the lockers, so I proceeded to beat the shit out of him and two of his friends. It took three teachers to pull me off them. Since then, no one fucks with me or says anything anti-gay because they know I can defend myself.
The best thing about this year is having three classes with Jayden and Jamie. It’s the first time that has happened and I love it. The teachers are cool because they let us sit together. They’re finally treating us like adults.
Harper is having a party tomorrow night to celebrate the beginning of senior year. She lives at 77th and Amsterdam, a few blocks from where I live. That will make it easy to find my way back home in case I party a little too hard. Just kidding.
Yeah, it should be a lot of fun.
Later
JOURNAL ENTRY 3
Jamie
I’m not very good at writing my thoughts down, so this whole journal thing is going to be a challenge. Jayden is always coming up with these kinds of ideas and I tend to go along because they end up being fun. I always say no at first and I don’t know why. Well, actually I do know . . . umm . . . this is really hard to write down. I’m afraid to do things out of my comfort zone because I’m a perfectionist. I can’t believe I just wrote that down, but yeah, that’s me all the way. I guess it’s a strategy or insecurity or something. I like to anticipate and control any situation I’m in, plus I have a little OCD happening too, according to my mom.
My dad loves that I love to win at any cost, and my mom is always trying to calm me down, saying it’s not the most important thing in the world, so they end up having epic arguments about it. I looked some shit up online to try and figure out what is going on inside my brain. I figured out that I have a ‘Silent Type A’ personality and I hate losing because it’s a sign of weakness. I’m trying to work through this so I can change, so I like when Jayden or Chris get me to go along with their crazy ideas.
They love jumping off the metaphorical bridge to experience life on the edge. I’m trying to get better at doing that too, and it’s all because of them. If someone doesn’t know me, I come off as quiet and shy, which I guess to some extent I am. Talking just to talk is not my style, simple as that. So having two extroverted friends is perfect. I’d probably be a total neurotic or a shut in if I didn’t have them in my life.
So, that leads me to my aggressive behavior, that desire to win at any cost. There are three things I love doing that make me go all out: Soccer, Lacrosse, and modeling. I love to compete. I love to win. I do it well. I’m on the soccer and Lacrosse teams, and I model part time for Chris’s mom. Chris and Jayden model too. We light up that runway every time we’re up there. It’s glamorous for sure, but it’s also a lot of hard work. It challenges me on so many levels, that is what I like most. For me, the process of doing something challenging is the most rewarding aspect.
A lot of people at school are jealous because I’m a good athlete and I model. Some of my jock friends give me shit about it, saying it’s so gay. They know Chris and Jayden are my best friends, and gay, so they constantly come at me with the usual derogatory gay bashing shit. It really sucks sometimes. My friend Connor keeps telling me that I need to dump the whole queer scene because of the gay rumors going around about me. Fuck him and everyone else. I’ve been best friends with Chris and Jayden since fifth grade and that’s never gunna change.
So, everything I just wrote down leads me to my dilemma, my cowardice, my main fear for the last four years. Coming out. Yeah, I’m the gay boy who is totally in the closet. Chris, Jayden, and Harper are the only ones who know . . . I think. I shouldn’t be afraid to be openly gay, but I am. I really want to come out, but I feel guilty about it. Yeah . . . yeah, I realize this is the twenty-first century, not the 1950s, but I’m afraid because I can’t control the fallout that is sure to happen.
I do know one thing though, my father is going to have a meltdown when he finds out. After all, I’m his jock son who ‘gets all the babes’ as he loves to tell his friends. I hate letting him down, but I can’t take much more of this hiding shit.
Jayden’s been really bugging me to come out in the last year or so. He really pushed the issue all summer, hoping I would do it to celebrate our last year in high school, and so I could finally be myself, but I chickened out once again.
Chris is cool with what I’m going through. He understands and tells me to come out whenever I’m ready.
Harper gets angry with me every once in a while because some of her friends are crushing on me. One day she says she understands how hard it is to come out, then other days she says I lead them on by pretending to be straight. That is totally wrong because I’m not pretending to be straight. I’m not pretending to be anything. I never go after any females, they come after me. I always mind my own business, but lots of them hit on me so aggressively, telling me I’m their bae, that being the quiet type is sexy, and how they want to crawl all over my body and make me feel good any way I want. The whole thing sucks.
I read online that only four percent of the U.S. population is gay. I never thought my best friends would turn out to be gay too. That was pure fate as far as I’m concerned. We came out to each other at the beginning of eighth grade, and let me tell you, my whole body came alive that night. We always take turns having sleepovers, and this particular Saturday night was at Chris’s house.
So, we were listening to music and just goofing around when Jayden decided that he wanted to play Truth or Dare. It started off innocently enough, but he quickly took it to the next level when he dared me to kiss him. Chris’s eyes lit up. Jayden gave me an amorous grin and then closed his eyes and waited. My dick was instantly hard as I leaned in and kissed him. Ohmygod, it was so fucking hot, especially when he started giving me tongue. I dared Chris to kiss me next, and oh yeah, did he ever.
We took turns making out with each other for the next couple of hours, then broke night talking, laughing, cuddling, and breathing sighs of relief as we came out to each other.
I confessed that I thought I was bisexual, saying I didn’t know if I liked girls or not at that point. Total lie of course. That night is one of the best memories I have. I came out to my best buds, I confessed to having secret crushes on both of them, and I got to make out with them. Knowing all three of us were gay made me feel normal for the first time in my life. They’ve kept me from losing it so many times it’s not funny.
I couldn’t believe how brave they were when they came out at the beginning of tenth grade. It shook the whole school because they were the first. I feel like such a loser because I’m still not brave enough. And get this, there are four females hitting on me right now and school just started. It’s always been this way. They know Chris and Jayden are gay and think it’s cool that I hang with them, saying I’m mature for not discriminating against gay people. Fuck . . . I fucking hate this . . . I can’t take much more of this fake pretending shit. I’m making a pledge right now; I’m going to come out, and I mean it this time.
I have a confession to make. Something is happening right now that might make me brave enough to come out real soon. At least I hope so. I haven’t told Chris or Jayden yet, but I met a guy online who lives in Brooklyn. His name is Leo and he goes to high school in ParkSlope. We met when he friended me on Facebook. He’s not some creepy stalker, he’s a good friend of my cousin Brooke. I would never randomly meet anyone online.
So, this is how it happened. Brooke was showing Leo my profile and he told her that he wanted to get to know me. She gave me a heads up and I said no problem. The best part is
that he is openly gay. His profile says he is interested in guys. My profile just says I’m male, so he doesn’t know if I’m gay or not.
I know he wants to know because of a recent conversation we had while FaceTiming. I don’t know what to do, but I really like him. My hands are getting sweaty just writing this down. I definitely have a crush on him. One other thing, we were chatting online last night and he invited me out to lunch on Saturday. I told him that sounded great, so we’re meeting up in ParkSlope. I’m really nervous about meeting him in person.
The closet sucks.
Wish me luck
JOURNAL ENTRY 4
Jayden
It feels strange to be single again. Even though I’ve moved on, my heart still hurts. But on the up side, it’s pretty cool not having to watch what I say or how I look at another guy without worrying if I’m making someone jealous. Looking back on my relationship with Zack, I realize how abusive he was. I didn’t see it because I was in the middle of it, but fuck, I see it now. I have to be more aware of jealous crazy personalities in the future so I don’t get sucked into someone else’s weird insecure world.
Went to Harper’s party last night with Jamie and had a blast. That party was lit.
I like being fashionably late, so lots of people were already there, Chris and Ty included, when we made our grand entrance. I smelled weed on Chris’s clothes when we finally hugged, so I knew he was flying. Ty had the typical glazed look going. I really worry about them smoking so much of that stuff. I could tell a few others were high too. I guess everyone parties in their own way, but that shit is not for me. Sorry Chris.
Harper has the best parties because she has a diverse group of friends who are very cool. Her parents are the other reason for the great party atmosphere. They have a yacht at the Hudson River Marina and usually spend the evening there so we can have privacy. They get it that teenagers need to have some innocent fun, and trust us to behave in an appropriate manner in their penthouse. I wish more parents were like them. No one wants to let them down, so we make sure no one fucks it up for us. Harper makes sure everything stays under control with three simple rules: No liquor, no drugs, and no sneaking off to have sex in the bedrooms. None of my friends drink, and anyone who smokes weed smokes it before they get to her house. As an added discreet measure of safety, Harper’s housekeeper makes unannounced forays into the great room to feed us every now and then. We know she’s making sure we’re good little girls and boys. She lives with Harper’s family because her daughter lives in California, and she’s pretty old. You know, like grandma old. Harper’s father converted their game room into a studio apartment for her. It’s on the other side of the pantry, just off the kitchen.
One of the best things about the party last night was going with Jamie. We were hanging out Thursday night and I asked if he would be my secret date, and he said yes. I was feeling lonely and I think he was too, so it was nice to see that incredibly hot smile as he accepted. I told him that I considered it a bromance date and would keep his cover. “I’m not going to say anything about this at the party, okay?” He put his arm around me. “I don’t mind if people know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I like the idea of us going together and could care less what anyone thinks about it. You’re my best friend and I love you.”
“Awe, you’re gunna make me cry. I love you too.”
He got quiet for a few seconds. “Look, I’ve been thinking that I want to come out soon, so maybe letting our friends know we’re on a date will help me finally do it.”
I hugged him. “I’m proud of you for wanting to take the next step.”
“Thanks. I think it’s about time.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. Oh man, did I want those beautiful lips on my lips, but a kiss on the cheek was hot too. Can’t have everything I guess.
Something lit happened at the party that I never expected in zillion years. It’s still giving me goosebumps just thinking about it. Okay, I need to set the scene for this. So, Harper and her best friend Julie greeted Jamie and I at the door with ferocious hugs. Julie really has it really bad for Jamie, so he had to peal her off when the hug lasted longer than it should have. Harper and I rolled our eyes and giggled. Jamie was trying to be diplomatic, but Julie didn’t get it. I went to his rescue and told her nicely, “You need to slowly step away girl, because this hot bae is my date tonight. We’re bromancing.” I put my arm around Jamie’s waist and kissed him on the cheek. Harper gave us a curious grin. “Oh really? Nice. You guys make a very cute couple.”
Julie had this dense look. “What? I don’t get it.”
Jamie laughed nervously. “It’s a guy date, like girls do when they aren’t dating anyone. We wanted to go together tonight.” She tried to smile while processing that info. Harper told her, “I’ll explain it to you later.” We headed to the great room at that point and joined everyone else. We were instantly surrounded by a myriad of huggy arms before finally making our way over to Chris and Ty. They looked so cute together, like a perfect GQ cover. They were in the middle of a conversation with Carlos and Vann, two gorgeous guys from Harper’s ballet class.
Within a couple of minutes Julie and this other girl I’d never seen before, walked up and wiggled their way between Jamie and I. Unfortunately, he was in for one of his typical girl crush nights.
Okay, now I’m getting to the part that sent me over the edge. I didn’t even know he was going to be there. So, I’m talking away like always, telling everyone about this new guy, a tall, blond, blue-eyed hottie I met in Chemistry class who just moved here from Norway, when all of a sudden someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and there was Cody with this adorable grin and those dark, dark gorgeous eyes riveted on mine. I thought I was going to faint.
“Hey Jayden, How’s it going? Can I join in on the conversation?”
“Of course. It’s nice to see you.” I tried my best not to stammer like an idiot. I moved over to make room for that gorgeous body of his and introduced him to the people he didn’t know. Jamie gave him one of those jock hugs that look like they’re trying not to look gay. You know, an insecure show of macho affection. Then I tried to finish my story without popping a woody in front of everyone.
A few minutes later everyone scattered in different directions. Harper hit the remote on the entertainment system and music filled the great room. She has great taste in music. She started out with “Goodbye” by Who is Fancy, and had it blasting just the way I like it. I thought of Zack while listening to the lyrics. They were so fucking perfect. He doesn’t know what he lost when he broke up with me.
Jamie, Cody, and I were about to get some food when a group of lusting females grabbed Jamie and dragged him out to the terrace. By the time I noticed what was happening, it was too late to save him. I felt terrible. And on top of that, Cody was standing next to me, making me nervous to the enth degree. I didn’t know what the fuck to do for a few seconds, but finally got it together and decided to save Jamie. I started to head out to the terrace, but Cody stopped me. He seemed more nervous than me. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“I was going to see what Jamie was up to.”
“Oh.” He stood there like he wanted to say more, but started to fill his plate instead. I grab a plate and decided to keep the conversation going, hoping Jamie would understand. “Are you here with Leah?” I asked. “No, I’m alone tonight. She has relatives in from Vermont for the weekend so she’s doing the good daughter thing.”
“That’s cool. I hear you and Jamie were chosen as co-captains of the Lacrosse team. Congratulations.”
“Thanks, but Jamie should have had that honor all by himself.”
“Why is that? Both of you guys are great.”
“I just feel that he deserves it a lot more than me.”
“I know for a fact he doesn’t feel that way at all. He told me how proud he is to be sharing the honor with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.�
�� Cody smiled a smile that made me want to jump him right there. A second later my mind went into dirty porn mode as I visualized seeing both of them naked and sweaty in the locker room. Ohmygod! Sorry Jamie.
As I was momentarily lost in that fantasy, he asked, “Would you like to take a walk with me? It’s a nice night and . . . we could talk in private.”
I tried to keep cool. “Yeah, sure.” We put our plates down and headed towards the foyer. I turned my head to see if anyone was watching us leave. Chris and Ty were. Chris gave me this amorous grin and a ‘hey, what is going on?’ look. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, then we were out the door.
So, before I go any further in this story, I need to let you guys know once again that I refrain from chasing straight boys. I have lots of fantasies about seducing them, but I would never try it in real life because that’s just sex and curiosity. That’s not my thing, so even though I think Cody is hot, he’s off limits.
We walked through the lobby and I almost knocked the doorman down when I open the entrance door. I was so taken by Cody that I didn’t notice he was standing there. “I’m so sorry sir, I didn’t see you,” I said, feeling like an idiot. He smiled and said it was no big deal. So, with my attempted maiming of an innocent bystander, our walk began.
It was a perfect evening, romantic actually, if we were boyfriends. (I’m not chasing, just fantasizing.) The soft glow of streetlights and a gentle warm breeze made it seem even more magical. After a half a block of awkward silence, I decided to get the conversation going. “How long have you and Leah been going out?”
“Since sophomore year. She’s great,” he said, with some hesitation in his voice. “But I’ve been thinking that maybe we should cool it for a while.”
“Why?”
