by A. V. Zeppa
His friend Austin, who is like this oafish looking muscle boy, took a swing at Chris. Fortunately he ducked in the nick of time. I yelled at Austin to stop, but he told me to fuck off and tried to punch Chris again. That’s when Devin went after Austin, but was thrown into the bushes like a rag doll. I ran over to help him up. Then out of nowhere, Cody showed up and went after Austin. He pulled him away from Chris and punched him square in the face. The sound of that punch was devastating. Ohmygod, Austin went down like a drunk uncle at a family reunion.
Blood was oozing out of his nose. Chris, Cody, and Devin stood in front of me while Zack and Austin lay sprawled out on the grass. Cody gave Zack a stern warning. “If I ever see you near Jayden again, I’ll rip you in half. Now you and your goon get the fuck out of here.” Zack slowly got up and staggered over to Austin to help him up. Austin was woozy and confused as he slowly got to his feet. His face was a bloody mess. I actually felt sorry for him for some reason.
Cody reached into his gym bag, pulled out a t-shirt, and gave it to him so he could wipe the blood off his face. I could tell Cody wanted to make sure he was okay. “You might want to have a doctor take a look at your nose. It looks broken.” Zack glanced at me with this hurt look, then wiped the remnants of puke from his mouth and walked away. Austin followed close behind.
My whole body was shaking at that point. Devin put his arms around me. “Are you okay?”
“I think so. I’m sorry about all of this,” I said. Then the tears came. Devin was so caring. “Hey, everything is going to be okay. I’m here for you.” He rubbed my back to calm me down.
“That tool isn’t going to hurt you anymore,” Chris said, as he put his arms around both of us.
“Thank you for saving me. I love you so much,” I said, then kissed him on the cheek.
I looked over Chris’s shoulder and saw Cody standing a few feet away looking totally dejected. I felt sorry for him, so I decided to smooth things. “Thank you for helping us. It means a lot to me.” He sheepishly apologized once again. “Jayden, I’m really sorry about everything, and promise it will never happen again. I really want to be friends with you.”
“I’d like that.” He gave me a nice hug and thanked me. “Do you wanna hang out with us this weekend?” I asked. “Yeah, that sounds great.”
It was nice to have him as a friend again. A few minutes later Jamie showed up, and so did our ride.
JOURNAL ENTRY 23
Chris
It has been an emotional couple of days. My mind has been in overdrive trying to put everything into perspective. It started yesterday morning with Ty. Then Jamie told me what happened after he came out to his parents. I still can’t believe their reaction. Then there was runway rehearsal after school today. I was so in my zone that it felt like I was flying.
And finally . . . holy shit . . . there is the thing with Cody that just happened about an hour ago. I’m still in shock. It seems like the whole fucking universe is rotating, and it’s rotating counterclockwise.
Okay. I already wrote about ‘Ty the Tool,’ so I’ll start with Jamie. He was really upset about his parent’s reaction when he told them he was gay. We skipped first period class to talk because he wasn’t doing well. I tried to reassure him that his parents were just in denial and would eventually come around and support him. He hoped so, but felt that it might not happen. “They really went at me, saying I need therapy, that I would bring shame to them and the family, and that you and Jayden turned me gay. How in the fuck am I supposed to fight that ignorant mentality?”
“You can’t. All I can tell you is that your parents need some time to adjust. Remember what we always talk about in the GSA meetings? Parents go through a series of emotions before they come to terms with having an LGBTQ son or daughter. Just know that I’m here for you. I love you.”
“I love you too. Thanks.” A couple of minutes later Jayden found us, so we let him know what happened. He hugged Jamie. “Don’t worry, you can live with me if your mom and dad can’t get their shit together. Every night will be a pajama party.” Jayden always says the right thing at the right moment.
Personally, I think Jamie’s parents are only thinking about themselves. I don’t get adults sometimes. I mean, they’re supposed to be the wise ones, right? I needed to do something to help him, so I called my mother between Calc and Philosophy class and explained what had happened. She wasn’t surprised at all about Jamie being gay, saying she had known for a while. I guess in a way that didn’t surprise me, because mothers always seem to know these things for some reason. I asked if she would do me a favor and talk to Jamie’s mother to try and calm her down. She was more than happy to help out. I hope their talk wakes her up to what is really important.
Runway rehearsal was lit today. It was a high that made me appreciate what I have in this life. The paparazzi were swarming around the gallery the whole time taking pictures, interviewing us, and trying to get an inside glimpse of my mother’s designs. I had to let them down gently, but promised they would love them. Security eventually directed them to another part of the gallery so we could rehearse.
Fashion Week is fucking incredible. I mean really fucking incredible. I wish everyone could experience it at least once in their lives. We tore it up in every way imaginable. Jayden looked really hot with that skinny body of his cruising down the runway looking like a lost angel trying to find his way.
And then there was Jamie. He was killing it beyond everyone’s expectations. Intensity to the enth degree oozed out of that blond sculpted frame of his. All eyes were on him. He was definitely in an otherworldly zone. I saw sadness, anger, determination, and a demigod-like presence.
And I have to say, I fucking rocked it too. The smiles on my mother’s and the choreographers’ faces let me know I was far and away exceeding their expectations once again.
The best part was wearing the new designs as we rehearsed. I absolutely loved them. Wearing them during rehearsal is important because they have to look and feel just right on our bodies while we strut our stuff. We want to give the audience what they expect; a perfect performance.
I could tell that my mother was proud of us. I watched her as she watched the excited reactions of everyone whenever Jayden, Jamie, and I were on the runway. My father even stopped by the gallery to watch us. That meant a lot to me. I know this probably sounds corny, but I really love my parents more than anything.
After rehearsal we headed to Greenwich Village to have a light dinner. We have to watch what we eat for the next few days to keep our body fat around seven percent. Jamie helps us keep our bodies fine-tuned for the shows. He even has an exercise routine we do at the gym before we do any modeling. Fortunately we all have thin, well defined bodies that are perfect for modeling. It’s kind of interesting how physically similar we are, although Jayden has a tinier frame, which means he is skinnier than Jamie and I. He is sooo gorgeous hot.
During dinner, I could tell the guys were still worried about me because of the whole Ty thing. They didn’t make any verbal references, it was more in the empathetic looks they gave every now and then as we talked. I have to admit, I am depressed and lonely, but I know I’m going to be fine at some point. Relationships can really take it out of you.
I’m happy that Jayden and Jamie are happy with the guys they’re dating. I can’t wait to meet Leo so I can size him up. I’m really protective of my besties. Jamie deserves a guy who will treat him right. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time.
Then there is Jayden and Devin. They are so cute together. It is like the gods were looking down on Jayden and decided that he deserved to be happy for once, so they sent Devin from the heavens. Even though he is a few years younger than us, he is really mature. And get this, he is in love with Jayden. I can tell just by the way he looks at him. It is so cute.
I really felt bad for them when Zack showed up and caused a scene. That guy is a total psycho. I couldn’t believe that he wanted to hurt Jayden. It was such an immense ple
asure to punch the bastard. I’ve wanted to do it for months because he treated Jayden like shit the whole time they were together.
So . . . the Cody situation . . . WOW! Okay . . . umm, I was in the study doing homework when a message popped up on my iPad. It was from Cody asking if we could hang out sometime.
“I’d love to, but because of Fashion Week I won’t be able to until the weekend,” I wrote back.
“No problem.” Thirty seconds later another message popped up. “Are you busy right now? Can I call you?”
“Sure.” I gave him my number.
“Hey Chris, how’s it going?”
“Good. How about you?”
“I’ve been better,” Cody said, sounding like he had just lost his best friend.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah . . . no . . . I guess. It’s just . . . umm . . . things are complicated right now.”
“I definitely know that feeling.”
A few seconds of silence went by, then he started to spill. “I feel like shit about the way I treated Jayden last week. I panicked when my friends went after him. The way he looked at me . . . his eyes were like daggers to my heart. I can’t get it out of my mind.”
“Yeah, you really hurt him. You know, Jayden is the nicest guy in the world. He’s sensitive, honest, loving, and has a heart of gold. If you were the one being bullied, he would have gone after those guys, no questions asked.”
“I know he would. He shows no fear and is totally comfortable being himself. You know, being openly gay, like you. You guys are really brave. I wish I could be that brave.”
“It’s not really about bravery, it’s just about living life on your own terms.”
“I wish I could do that, but I know my friends would disown me if . . .” Cody’s voice trailed off.
I immediately knew what was happening because my gaydar went into hyperdrive. I decided to be upfront. “Are you by any chance questioning your sexuality?” As soon as I asked, I panicked. He didn’t respond. “Umm . . . sorry. I know it’s none of my business.” The silence continued, but I could hear him breathing. “Just know that I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
A few more seconds went by. “I . . . umm . . . yeah . . . I’m questioning. I know I’m at least bi, but I think maybe I’m gay. I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve been really depressed lately trying to figure it out. I’m scared.”
“I know. I was too at first, but there really is nothing to be afraid of. You are perfectly normal regardless of your sexuality. I think it’s awesome that you are figuring it all out.” I hoped my response would get him to relax a little.
“You think so?”
“Yeah, I do. Welcome to the club!”
“You know, it does feel good to begin accepting who I am, and to talk to someone who understands. You and Jayden are so comfortable talking about your sexuality, and openly living it. Knowing that gives me hope that I can do it too.”
“Yeah. It’s great to be out. It’s like this huge weight gets lifted off your shoulders. Cody, you have just taken the first step to real happiness. The whole hiding thing sucks.”
“Yeah it does. Now I just need to figure out how to come out. I hope my family and friends won’t hate me.”
“Take your time and figure out a strategy. Jayden and I will help any way we can. Just know, you aren’t alone in this. And just for your info, someone else at school is in exactly the same situation as you right now.”
“Really? Who?”
“I can’t say just yet, but everyone will know very soon.”
We ended up talking for quite a while, which gave him the opportunity to ask lots of questions about the gay community. Our conversation gave me a chance to get to know Cody better. Before we hung up, I invited him to the next GSA meeting hoping he would be brave enough to actually show up.
Wait until he finds out that Jamie is gay. I wonder what his reaction will be. I do know that it is going to flip the school on its ass once everyone finds out. Gay co-caption athletes; score one for our side.
Later
JOURNAL ENTRY 24
Tuesday
Jamie
My life is moving into a gray area where I’m losing control of everything. I never thought coming out would be so complicated. It feels like I’m caught in a trip current that is pulling me farther and farther into a dark abyss. My parents are still really upset about me being gay, demanding that I get professional help.
Then this morning, I almost had a panic attack just before I met with my coaches. I got all hot and sweaty and was gasping for air. I leaned against the lockers and did my best to calm down. A couple of minutes later I finally found the courage to walk into their office. They were expecting me because I emailed them last night. Surprisingly they weren’t as upset as I thought they’d be when I told them.
Coach Bennington was far more understanding than Coach Riley though. He was definitely panic stricken, giving me this juxtaposed look of fear and contempt as he tried to digest the fact that I was gay. Coach Bennington explained that there could be some backlash from a few of my teammates, but that I was doing the right thing by coming out.
I breathed a semi-sigh of relief and then made a request. “Could you call a team meeting today? I’d like to let the guys know. I want them to hear it from me, not from gossip.” Coach Riley shook his head and wiped his brow. “Maybe we should keep this situation between us for the time being,” he suggested. Coach Bennington disagreed. “I don’t think that is a good idea, Bob.”
We sat there for a few seconds as Coach Bennington’s face contorted in thought. “Jamie, come to the gym right after school today. I’ll let the others know that there is going to be a team meeting. I will also inform the headmaster and our guidance counselors. I would like them to be at the meeting, if you don’t mind.”
“I’m okay with that if you think it will help. Thank you for doing this, and for understanding. I’m really nervous, but I need to do this.”
“I agree. Uh, I don’t mean to pry, but do your parents know?”
“Yes. I told them on Sunday. It didn’t go over too well. Umm . . . I hope . . . they . . . you know, will eventually come around.”
“I’m sure they are a bit shocked, so be patient and give them some time.” He paused for a few seconds. “Why don’t you and I go talk to one of the counselors right now and get some advice, okay?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
We spent the next hour talking to Ms. Montgomery.
JOURNAL ENTRY 25
Wednesday evening
Jamie
I’m here with Jayden and Chris. We are having a pajama party tonight just as Jayden promised, and we’re taking turns writing in the journal. I like sharing the journal this way because it makes it that much more intimate and profound.
So . . . I left home tonight. Yeah, I walked out because my parents were trying to control my every move. They still refuse to accept that I’m gay. Get this, during dinner they were insisting that I talk to a therapist. My mother had even made an appointment for me tomorrow right after school. Then my father informed me that I was no longer allowed to model, and was no longer allowed to be friends with Chris and Jayden. He said they have brainwashed me.
Unfucking believable.
I sat there dumbfounded at what they were saying. Everything about coming out had gone from bad to worse. I didn’t bother to argue with them, I stayed relatively calm while they came at me, then I gave them a simple parting speech. “My life is my life, and I’m very happy with it. You have no right to tell me what I can or can’t do, or who I can be friends with. I love you both, but you refuse to see the real me. I’m an excellent student, a good athlete, and a successful model. I’m also a proud gay teenager. I’m sorry that you can’t accept this fact, so my only recourse is to leave.” I stood up and walked out.
Even though I’m scared shitless at what the future holds, I’m proud of who I am.
So yeah, I came out to my teammates af
ter school today and was greeted by silence from some, disgusted looks from others, and words of encouragement from two of my closer friends. Fortunately Cody was one of them. He even gave me a hug, which kind of defused the situation a little. Coach Bennington gave a speech about diversity and how we are a team regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and any other thing that might define who we are. He shook my hand and said that he was proud of me for being true to myself, then added that I was a fine young man, an exceptional athlete, and that he felt a sense of pride when my teammates chose me to be co-caption of the Lacrosse team.
All in all it turned out to be a special moment that I’ll never forget. I hope my teammates will accept me at some point.
So, as you can see, it’s been a pretty crazy day.
Jayden
We are the Three Musketeers. Always and forever. No one can stop us. I mean no one.
I love Jamie so much and am glad he’s going to live with me until his parents realize what they’ve done. My parents welcomed him with open arms. They want him to be safe.
Jamie doesn’t know, but while I was making popcorn I overheard my father talking to his father on the phone. The conversation was diplomatic. My father was suggesting that they let him stay with us for a while to let things cool off. He also stood up for the gay community saying he had a rough time when I came out, but that it was the best thing that could have happened. My father ended the conversation by inviting Jamie’s parents out to dinner so they could get to know each other better.
On my way back to my bedroom I made a detour to the library to give him a hug. “Thank you for helping Jamie. I love you so much.”
He smiled. “I love you too. I’m proud of you in every way, son.” Then he gave me a heartfelt hug. I love when he hugs me, because I feel completely protected.
So, I’m sitting in my comfy chair watching my two favorite people in the whole world play an intense game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Yeah, we are closet geeks to the max.
