by A. V. Zeppa
Every building we went in had its own unique personality. I really liked the library and the John Jay dorm building. The students we met were cordial. They gave us real world opinions of campus living and the obvious academic rigor Columbia is known for. There were lots of hot guys walking around campus, just like at Michigan and UCLA.
Get this, quite a few guys were checking us out, and Jamie actually got hit on by a guy who lived at John Jay. His name was Marco. As soon as he stepped out of the elevator, his piercing eyes became laser beams that hit each one of us. He was really checking us out, but had this perplexed look. That’s when I realized he was trying to figure out where he knew us from.
I wasn’t going to say anything about being models because I didn’t want the attention, but I think he finally figured out who we were because he gave me a nod and smiled. Then he set his sights on Jamie. I guess he preferred lightskin blonds over my olive skin tone, which mirrored his. Anyway, Marco tried to get all over Jamie, and of course Jamie didn’t have a clue. We filled him in on what had just gone down while we walked to Philosophy Hall.
The Mathematics Building was the last destination on the tour. It was amazing, and a little scary. I could feel something, or some kind of energy surround me as soon as I walked in. It gave me goosebumps, the scary kind. I still can’t figure out what it was, but it was real.
Then it got even scarier when we met a couple of genius students in the math lounge on the fifth floor. They looked trendy, but in an understated way, like people who live on the Lower East Side. Get this, they had the emo-skater look going on. Shaggy hair that covered their eyes, ripped skinnys, well-worn converse sneakers, and both were wearing faded Beatles t-shirts. So adorably cute. And they weren’t pretentious assholes, they were the nicest guys you could ever meet.
My gaydar went off like a rocket zooming into space. The blond guy did most of the talking. His name was David, and the other guy was Miguel. You could tell they were best friends, or maybe even boyfriends just by their body language and the way they would look at each other. They were kind enough to answer all of our questions about Columbia, and even tried to explain the equations they were working on. I was totally lost.
A few minutes later we thanked them for being generous with their time, and that’s when Miguel told us that attending Columbia would change our lives forever.
Then something really weird happened. As I was walking away, Miguel came out of nowhere and tapped me on the shoulder. He said some things he couldn’t have known.
“Christopher, I want you to know that you are going to have an incredible journey. Your compassion for people, and your dream of attending the University of Michigan, are going to play a pivotal role in your life. It was really nice meeting you.” He smiled, shook my hand, and then walked back to David.
I was stunned. I mean, how did he know about Michigan? Or what kind of person I am? How did he know my name? Confused, I slowly walked back to the group, but just before I caught up to them, I looked over my shoulder and saw Miguel and David looking at me. They smiled and waved, which totally freaked me out for some reason.
“What were you and Miguel talking about?” Jayden asked when I finally caught up to them. I lied. “He wished me the best of luck in my college search.”
Jayden giggled. “Yeah, right. Miguel has it bad for you, I could tell because he kept watching you.”
“No he doesn’t, so please let it go.” Of course he wouldn’t listen, so I let him think whatever he wanted. Twenty minutes later our tour group disbanded, so we decided to explore more of the campus on our own. We ended up making a pact to try and go to college together. I’d love that. I hope it happens.
Just this morning I scheduled a University of Michigan campus tour for the three of us. We are flying out on October 9th and are going to stay for two days. Jayden and Jamie are going to love the campus, and Ann Arbor. Can’t wait. ☺
JOURNAL ENTRY 32
Monday
Jamie
Something creepy crept into my life today, and it’s really playing with my emotions. It began during lunch. Jayden, Chris, Harper, and I were at our favorite sushi restaurant when I received two disgusting pics on Snapchat. In the first pic they did a cut and paste job, placing my head onto the body of a naked woman who was getting fucked from behind. The asshole wrote that I was a “faggot pussy thot who loved dick.”
Two minutes later I received another pic. This time they cut and pasted my head onto a naked guy who was getting gang-banged by a bunch of guys. Under that picture they wrote, “So this is what you like? What a faggot slut.” It was the first time I had ever been cyber bullied and I didn’t like it at all. I’ve witnessed other people at school getting this kind of shit sent their way, and kind of thought it was amusing for some reason. I can see how insensitive I was now that it’s happening to me.
To be targeted by some random crazy asshole is one of the worst feelings in the world. Obviously it has to do with me coming out. So what if I’m gay, I’m not hurting anyone. But I guess someone is so bothered by it that they have to send me demeaning pics. People who do this shit are insecure cowards, and when I find out who sent them, look out, because I am going to fuck them up good.
I’ve been thinking about this all day and I think it’s someone on my soccer or lacrosse team who wants me gone, so they made a fake account and sent them. Jayden and Harper said I should let the school know about it. I liked Chris’s idea better about trying set a trap to catch the guy instead. I know it is like fighting a ghost, but I thought it was worth a try, until more shit happened.
While we were walking back to school I received a text from a blocked number. It said, “You are the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen in my life. I need to have you. I really have to have you.” I showed the guys. They laughed. “Well, someone has it bad for you,” Chris said.
Jayden giggled. “I can see my blocked number is working fine.”
“Did you just send me this?” I asked.
“No way, I’m just trying to lighten up the situation, even though I feel the same way as this stealth admirer.”
“Awe, thanks,” I said. A couple of minutes later we were at our lockers talking about the London and Paris fashions shows when I received another text. Again, it was from a blocked number. This one said, “I want to get you naked and make you feel like a real boy. I love you Jamie.” It really creeped me out. I showed that one to the guys too. Harper didn’t like it one bit. “Someone is stalking you. You need to call the police.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little drastic?” I asked.
Harper gave me her motherly look. “Not at all. The world is full of scary people, and you being a well-known model puts you at risk as a potential target of crazies. Please let the police know. This is scaring me.” She hadn’t even finished her thought when I received another text. This one said, “Why won’t you text me back you little queer. Why? Why? If I can’t have you, then nobody can. Jamie the queer is going to love me. Jamie the queer will always love me . . . I will have you.”
I must have turned as white as a ghost because Chris grabbed my phone to see what it said. “Harper is right, you’re being stalked. This is one crazy ass idiot. I’ll bet this fucker sent you those pics too.”
“We need to let the headmaster know about this,” Jayden said.
“I think you’re right, but I’m going to call my father first and let him know what is going on.” After I called him I started feeling paranoid to the point where I wanted to throw my phone away. I didn’t want it anywhere near me because it felt dirty, it felt dangerous, it made me feel exposed and vulnerable.
I spent the next hour in the headmaster’s office. We did a conference call with my father and a detective from the police department. The detective told my father to call my carrier to see if they could trace the texts and Snapchat pics. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but they said I had done the right thing by reporting it.
I eventually made it to m
y last class and let Jayden and Chris know what was going on. I still think it’s someone at school who is messing with me because things are definitely feeling strained there now that everyone knows I’m gay. But let me emphasize this one more time, whoever is pulling this shit is going to fucking regret it, I guarantee it.
JOURNAL ENTRY 33
Jamie
It’s strange how things can twist and turn from a normal existence, to a nightmare, and then back again. Even though some asshole, or assholes, are sending me shitty pics and threatening texts, I finally feel like I have control over my life. It feels incredible. I’m standing at the edge of this brand new world, a world where I get to be myself.
Letting everyone know I’m gay was the best thing I’ve ever done, I’m serious. And even though I had to leave home for a while, and ninety-nine percent of my teammates despise me at the moment, being openly gay feels really good.
I have friends who love me for me, and I have a boyfriend who is amazing. What more could I ask for?
So, I’m writing this journal entry in my own bedroom. It feels good to be home again even though I really miss Jayden. I love him so much. Umm . . . I need a few moments . . . sorry.
It has been a long couple of days. Being back home feels different. I don’t know . . . I mean it’s hard to explain. I feel like I’ve risen to another level, a more mature level, like I’ve left one phase of my life and have entered another. I guess I feel like I’ve finally grown up. There is more of a mature quietness inside me now, and also here at home. I hope that makes sense. It does for me. This maturity is showing me how to view my world from different angles, different perspectives. It feels a little strange, but also comforting.
But even though all of that is well and good, I feel lost. To tell you the truth, I’m lonely because Jayden isn’t here.
You see, I really like being around people, especially my friends, especially Jayden. The coolest thing about living with him was that it felt like I had a brother. Being an only child once again is something I’m going to have to get used to.
So, things seem much better between me and my parents, and that makes me happy.
I need to write about what happened last night.
My father texted me at school yesterday morning to ask if my mother could join us for dinner. I texted back saying that it was fine as long as she promised not to start yelling at me again. He said she would be on her best behavior, so I kept my fingers crossed all day hoping for the best. When I got to the restaurant, they were already there. My heart raced as I was escorted to their table. They both stood up, then my father gave me one of the warmest hugs I had ever received from him. He said, “I’ve missed you so much. I love you, son.”
Well that was all it took for me to completely lose it. I was crying, he was crying, and so was my mother. She hugged both of us and apologized for being a terrible mother. I couldn’t believe what was happening. They have never been one to put their emotions on display, but here they were crying and apologizing like crazy, telling me how much they loved me, and how proud they were of me for having the courage to come out.
I couldn’t believe how good it felt to be so open and honest with my mom and dad. We talked about everything under the sun, and they treated me like an adult. An equal.
They were really listening and didn’t have a hidden agenda. My mother confessed that she and my father were at the fashion show and said I looked stunning. She told me that every time I came out the women around her would gasp and comment on how handsome I looked. I didn’t know if she was saying that as an ego boost or not, but it was nice to hear it from her anyway. I thanked both of them for coming to see me and for supporting me throughout my modeling career.
We finally got to talking about the whole gay issue. I told them I had known I was gay since at least eighth grade, and then explained how hard it was for me to keep it a secret. I also explained how Jayden and Chris helped me deal with it rationally until I was ready to come out. I even told them about the bouts of depression and the suicidal thoughts I’ve had over the last couple of years. The looks on their faces really shook me. They looked so vulnerable, so helpless. I knew I had hurt them with that truth, but I also let them know that I could never go through with it. I told them Jayden and Chris literally saved my life.
They apologized. I apologized. They thanked me for sharing my feelings, and then told me that my advice about going to see a family therapist was an excellent idea. So that’s what we’ve decided to do.
Oh . . . yeah . . . I also told them that I had a boyfriend, which kind of shocked them a little. I knew it was going to have that effect, but I needed to get everything out in the open to make sure they were okay with me dating guys. I explained how I had met Leo through Brooke, and that he is a great guy.
When I told my father who Leo’s father was, he smiled and said that they had met several times on business related matters. Get this, they are excited to meet Leo, and asked me to invite him over for dinner as soon as I get back from Europe. How cool is that?
It turned out to be one of the best evenings I’ve ever had with my parents. I realize how hard all of this has been, that’s why I’m proud of them. I love them so much and hope they are proud of me too. I can’t write anymore. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I need to get some sleep. Night
JOURNAL ENTRY 34
Jayden
I’m lonely without Jamie here. He went home after we hit the gym today. His parents seem to be coming to their senses, and that’s a good thing. His stuff is still here in my bedroom and I can smell his scent. It smells sooo fine. Makes me sexy crazy. I love the combination of hair product, body wash, and the natural scent that oozes out of Jamie’s pores after working out.
I read somewhere that we are subconsciously attracted to the natural scent of a person, so even if they are a ten out of ten, if we find their natural scent unappealing, then it’s a no go. Seems weird, but I definitely believe it. I know one thing, my attraction to Jamie is much more than just his scent, that’s for sure.
I’m sprawled out on my bed right now with his pillow scrunched under my head, and it smells just like him. I’m embarrassed to write this, but it has me rock hard at the moment,
hehe . . . sorry . . . can’t help it . . .
Umm . . . I wasn’t going to write about this, but here’s a little secret; Jamie and I slept together twice while he was here. I hated seeing him sleep on that ratty uncomfortable rollaway, so I innocently designated my bed as the entertainment area. We would get into our pajamas, then camp out on my bed to do homework, watch Nexflix, and surf the net, which inadvertently led to us to falling asleep together.
The first night we slept together wasn’t planned, it just kind of happened. But ohmygod . . . I thought I was in heaven when I woke up next to that beautiful boy only inches away. And even though I’ve fantasized about it a million times, there was no sex between us, only innocent cuddling and sleep. Real friendship stuff.
I can’t even begin to tell you how nice it was to be in bed with Jamie without anyone else around. It felt perfect. It felt like nothing else mattered in the world except the two of us being together, knowing in the back our minds how fleeting time is and not wanting to waste a single second. Being together like that made my emotions go all over the place.
The second time we slept together was just as magical. We had just gotten all comfy in a sea of pillows when he decided to slam me in the chest with one. Two seconds later we were having an all-out pillow fight. We were laughing as we flung pillows every which way. Jamie got me good at one point and actually knocked me off the bed. I hit the floor with a thud, and he panicked, thinking that I had hit my head. He quickly jumped off the bed. “Jayden, are you all right?” I smacked him with a pillow. “Are you trying to kill me?” I grabbed him and we started wrestling. I have zero skills in anything athletic, so in like two seconds he had me pinned. He was sitting on me and had my arms pinned with his legs. He started tickling me at that po
int, which caused me to squirm and giggle uncontrollably. I was finally able to wiggle free and started tickling him. I love to hear him giggle because he sounds so vulnerable. Vulnerable hunky jocks really turn me on, hehe. We ended up sprawled out on the floor next to each other totally exhausted. I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time.
We eventually made it back onto the bed and propped some of the pillows up so we could relax the proper way. I popped my phone into the docking station on my nightstand so we could listen to some music. I can’t get enough of Justin’s new album. My favorite song is I’ll Show You. The lyrics are true in more ways than you can imagine.
So, about ten minutes into checking out our social media, we started entertaining ourselves with innocent gossip and fantasy situations. I love pretending I’m in situations that are so over the top and unbelievable, but wish they would happen. Our fantasies can get pretty outrageous at times, but that’s half the fun. While we were playing that game, I started sending Jamie funny, provocative pics on Snapchat that reflected what I was fantasizing about. It made him laugh. And of course he started sending me outrageous pics back.
But the best part of sleeping together happened when the lights were off. That’s when we got serious and talked about our dreams and future plans. Here is the simple truth; Jamie and Chris are a big part of my future. It was reassuring to know that Jamie felt the same way.
There were also moments when we didn’t have to say a word; we just knew that silence was enough. That is real love, real friendship.
Having a bromance is unbelievable. I don’t know, maybe it’s more than that with Jamie, but I think every guy, gay, bi, or straight, needs to experience one because it forces you to let your shields down and be vulnerable with another guy. Fortunately I have two bromances going, one with Jamie and one with Chris. Shit . . . girls have been doing this since the beginning of time, and us guys have been clueless. Females are so far ahead of the curve when it comes to this kind of relationship.
