I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard that.
“Me too,” Corey stated, nodding. “We just might get him back for this season.”
I hoped so, too, because this was still only the beginning.
It was the first hurdle. I’d only just moved from square one.
Chapter 10
Josh
* * *
I was thankful to whatever angel or magical force that had given me the strength, mindset, and comfort to give a good interview.
I’d sat with the lead players in my team, and while Bob Jacobe, the TV presenter, asked the questions, I answered them as if they were nothing to me and mingled like I hadn’t been out of the game, and the loop, for months.
I managed to evade questions about my family and even offered a very brief statement about how I felt. When asked how I was feeling about this season, I’d simply said I was hoping it would be better than the last and that it was a very sad time for me. I hoped to get through so that I could focus on the next season wholeheartedly.
I’d actually looked directly at Amy as I said that, as if I was answering one of her questions in our preparation sessions. She’d sat with Zelda in the studio audience, holding onto the ends of her ponytail and looking at me with that tense edge. She was most likely hoping I’d be able to keep up and not fall asleep again. I supposed that whatever they were paying her must have been worth all the shit she’d had to put up with. Desperation was what I saw in her earlier. Pure, raw desperation, like it was a matter of survival. The other day she’d gone on this tirade about me needing her, but today she looked like she needed me too.
I couldn’t complain since it was true—I needed her and, admittedly, found comfort in her presence.
Even I would have filed myself to the back of the shelf as a total lost cause. But she didn’t give up on me.
She pushed the limits and did what it took to get the job done, regardless of the cost. I didn’t know what drove her and what she was getting out of it, but whatever it was had gotten me here and saved my ass.
Last night had been terrible. It really did a number on me and I was feeling weak from it. I’d lost control in the worst way and succumbed to the grief that beckoned me to give up. Thinking rationally was the last thing on my mind.
I remembered drinking everything I could get my hands on and calling the escort service to send me strippers and escorts. They came and they left. I couldn’t remember the in-between details.
It really was a miracle that I was here today, and I had to push the trigger for last night out of my mind.
Clarissa’s birthday.
I tried not to think about her or Mom while I gave the interview. I had to take them out of my mind.
The whole day went well and I enjoyed hanging out with the guys. It almost felt like the good old days. The days where I was myself and all I cared about was playing a good game and winning. They made arrangements to meet up next Wednesday. I thought I could stick to that.
I knew Amy had made some arrangements for me to do all that public appearance stuff, but I could fit this in too. Training started in a month and I wanted to get myself ready for it. Part of getting ready for training was bonding with my team. Reconnecting with them. It was one of the many things I liked and appreciated about them. That strong friendship we had made them play better, as if they all shared the same mind, and often times knew each other’s thoughts well enough to make those split-second decisions that everyone followed, which I’d seen win games.
As the day drew to an end and I realized I would have to go back to my house, depression set in again.
I followed Amy to her car when I said goodbye to the guys. She walked ahead of me in silence with no acknowledgement whatsoever.
I squeezed into the little green Volkswagen beside her, cursing the size of the car as I tried to adjust myself. I didn’t like cars like this. They weren’t made for me. The fit was wrong, the interior, everything.
I scowled as my head hit the roof when I tried to lean back and she looked across at me.
I looked at her too, and held her gaze. She was mad as hell at me, really mad. It was understandable. I knew it couldn’t have been easy to get me here, and here I was dressed in my suit and here.
“I’m not going to apologize so don’t look at me like that. You deserved the bitch slap.” She shook her head in dismay, causing her ponytail to bobble across her shoulder blades.
I’d noticed her use of words had expanded as the days had gone by. Just the other day she chided me for swearing and here she was talking about bitch slaps. Earlier she said she’d had to put up with my crazy shit. Clearly, I wasn’t good for a sweet girl like her.
“Yes,” I agreed, to her surprise. “And don’t apologize, it wouldn’t suit you.” I gazed deep into those beautiful green eyes of hers, and just like the other day found myself lost within them.
“Give me back my concealer.” She stretched her dainty hand out to me.
That thing saved my life. I looked like I’d been in a fight by the time she finished with my face.
“It’s in my ass somewhere, come and get it.” I smiled at her.
She narrowed her gaze and looked at me like she could kill me. There was no answer from her, she just turned her head, looked out to the studio exit, and drove through it.
The anger rippled off her in waves, creating a tense atmosphere that was so thick I was sure I could touch it. I imagined that if this were a cartoon it would literally be a hazy fume of black and red surrounding her.
I looked at her through the corner of my eyes and took my time to run my gaze over the full length of her body. I really liked what she was wearing today: a black business dress that did a serious job of showing off her very fine assets. Her delicate shoulders were defined in all the right places, but my favorite part was her breasts. Now when I looked I didn’t have to try to remember what they felt like.
I would have avoided the hard nudge she placed in my side if I hadn’t been so captivated by looking at her.
“Stop checking me out, you creepy man,” she balked, driving straight through a red light.
“Damn it.”
She really hit hard for a girl, and it was commendable that I could feel it through the solid muscle on my abs.
“Yes, damn you, Josh. Stop it. I can actually see you. I’m not one of your strippers or groupies. I’m not one of them, so stop it!”
I infuriated her further by laughing.
“What’s so damn funny? You are such a pervert.”
“I am who I am, baby. It’s all that raw Italian blood running through my veins.”
“I don’t care if pig’s blood runs through you. Stop looking at me like that. Argh, you are so weird.”
Me? Weird? This was normal. Abnormal was a man who didn’t react in the presence of a beautiful woman. Granted, my sex drive was over the top, but still, I wasn’t weird.
She turned on the radio and switched it to the classical music channel. “Don’t you dare say anything about my music. I need calm right now if I’m going to continue to work with you.”
I wasn’t going to say anything about the music. In fact, it was ironic that she should say that as both Clarissa and I used to listen to classical music to get our calm before a big game and a big performance.
It was actually Clarissa’s thing. I’d just joined in on it because I agreed it was soothing. This piece that played right now on the radio was one of her favorites.
It was the “Thais Meditation” by Jules Massenet. It played in our home in San Francisco every day for as long as I could remember. This was a piece I could recall in my dreams and knew by heart, note by note of the powerful, spellbinding violin music.
I rested my head on the back of the seat and closed my eyes, listening as the music flowed through the car around the space of tension between Amy and I.
In my mind I saw Clarissa doing her pirouettes across the living room. I remembered when she started learning to dance. She was
only five years old. Their mother was hosting a charity event and had gotten the Russian Ballet group to take part. Elena Mancini was always looking at new ideas and ways to raise interest to bring money in to whatever charity she represented. This would be one that would define Clarissa for the rest of her short life.
Tatiana Vodschova was the star of the show and she captured Clarissa’s heart with one step.
My sister became obsessed with dancing from that day onwards, and by the time she was ten she was already starring in a number of national shows. Just like me with football, ballet was her life. She was invited to go to Julliard without the need for audition. I didn’t know anyone else that had happened to. Not even me with my sports talent had had such an honor from scouts or anyone like that. I’d always had to do something to prove myself. When she finished at Julliard the number of dance companies that competed for her talent was astounding.
She was so happy, so very happy and beautiful in every way. And, because of me, she was no longer alive.
The cold, dead image of her face filled my mind and my heart broke all over again. All that life, talent, and beauty gone.
Just like that.
“Josh, wake up.” Amy was shaking my shoulder. We were back at my house and had parked in the driveway. I didn’t even realize that I’d fallen asleep. “Are you okay?” Concern softened her features, contrasting her prior anger.
A tear ran down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly, startled by its emergence.
Shit, I was crying in front of her. I turned away and got out of the car.
Hilda and another lady were waiting on the porch. They attempted to speak to me but I just stepped straight past.
I needed a drink, and I wanted to be alone.
* * *
Amy
* * *
I waited for a few seconds in the car before getting out. Those were tears I just saw.
Right?
I was sure those were tears I saw running down Josh’s cheek.
Resting my hand on the steering wheel, I took a moment to think. As I did, shame gripped at my insides.
Desperation could make you do all sorts of things. Even to someone like me, who was normally compassionate.
Josh seriously got on my nerves, he irked me to no end. He was creepy, a complete pervert who I’d allowed myself to fall prey to, and a first-class jerk.
But, he was still a person. And money made me behave the way I did today. Money made me lose my mind because I knew he had the power to give me what I wanted to save my mother.
Before I left the studio Zelda told me that the money was already deposited in my account. Twenty thousand dollars. The rest would follow in a few months as promised.
It sounded wonderful and paved the way for Mom’s surgery. Now the doctors could arrange a plan with the deposit and I could pay the balance when I got the rest of the money.
It was wonderful. So why did I feel so bad?
“Hey chica, you okay?” Gabriella asked, coming up to the car. I got out and joined Hilda. They’d messaged earlier about meeting for dinner.
“I’m…okay.” I supposed I should be, considering I’d just jumped over the first hurdle and gotten the money.
“How’d it go? He just walked by looking like hell.” Hilda looked concerned.
I shook my head. “We did it, but I don’t think it was the right thing.”
It wasn’t. It was clear. Josh wasn’t ready for any of this and he was doing what he was told because he didn’t want to be cut from the team.
“Do you want to cancel tonight and spend time with him?” Gabriella asked.
“I’m the last person he’ll want to spend time with.” It was official now that we both couldn’t stand each other. “I’m just gonna go see how he is, though. I’ll be right back.”
They nodded, understanding.
I found him in the kitchen. He’d taken off his jacket and tie and rolled up the sleeves to his shirt. The top buttons lay open, exposing the rigid muscle that lay there.
“Shift’s over, Kansas, what are you doing here?” He poured vodka into a glass.
“You’re going to drink again? Even after what happened today?”
“It’s Friday, time for booze and bitches.”
I should go, run away, but something within my wanted to reach out to him to see if he was okay.
“It doesn’t have to be. We could talk about today.”
“Do I look like the talking kind of guy to you?” He glowered at me. “Like I said, shift’s over. You’re done for the day, now run along with your little friends.” He tossed his head back and poured the drink down his throat in one gulp. When he saw I wasn’t moving he walked over to me and marooned me between the fridge and the wall. “Unless, Kansas, if you and your little friends want to join me upstairs. There’s plenty room up there for everyone. Or there could just be me and you. Like I said, shift’s over. You aren’t at work anymore. Imagine the fun.”
He wasn’t drunk yet; this was him talking. The real him. It was awfully close to the drunk side of him that weakened me the other day, but I could tell the difference.
I rested my head against the wall as he gazed down at me. I wasn’t sure what to think right now other than he was just trying to get rid of me by freaking me out but hoping at the same time I’d agree.
“Is that what you want? Me?” I had no intention of doing anything with him, but once again I was making a stand.
His eyes did, however, flicker with interest. “Yes, Kansas, I want you.”
Even I had to admit that there was something tempting and alluring in hearing him say that to me.
“And what makes you want me, Josh?” I continued to stare as he looked me over with appreciation.
“Everything, baby. I want to strip you down and feast on every single part of you.” His eyes turned a darker shade and he lifted the end of my ponytail. “Imagine our naked bodies pressed against each other. I want to see the pleasure on your face as we fu—”
“Shhh, language.” I pressed my fingers to his lips. He lingered on the edge of my fingertips and kissed it. “See, that’s just the thing. For a start…” I moved away from the wall and moved closer to him. He moved, too, so that our faces were just inches apart.
“For a start what, baby?”
“For a start, if you were mine, I wouldn’t share you with anybody. And…we would make love. It would be love, and not some meaningless act of attraction to pass the time.”
The desire on his face receded, and that playfulness shrank away. Instead I saw the effect my words had on him. He searched my eyes and moved back so I could step away from the wall.
Before I left I turned back to face him and observed the contemplative look on his face. I’d bet no one had ever said anything like what I said to him before. I’d bet these women just did what he told them and fell down and worshiped him.
I had never been like that, and I wouldn’t change. He fixed his gaze on mine once more and shifted his weight from one leg to the next.
“Don’t drink too much, Josh. Please don’t. You’re stronger than you think.”
I knew even before I left that he wouldn’t listen, and since I wouldn’t see him till Monday he’d most likely spend the weekend undoing all the work and progress we’d made this week.
I’d hoped that it wouldn’t come to this, and that maybe he could have snapped out of the drinking, but it hadn’t happened. If we were going to get through this time together, and work together, he needed to stop drinking so much. It would ruin him, it was ruining him and he would lose everything.
I thought that maybe I would keep tabs on him this week and try to help him with that, too.
* * *
Josh
* * *
I couldn’t get the image of Amy out of my head.
“…if you were mine I wouldn’t share you with anybody. And…we would make love.”
How the hell was I supposed to forget that?
Make love? Did that
even exist? Love. What a myth. It didn’t stop me from wanting her, though, nor the desire that coursed throughout me.
I finished the bottle of vodka five minutes after she left and drank the rest of the rum. My mind left me after that and I woke up with Allegra pressed up against me, wrapped within the tangle of the cream satin bed sheets. My head was rested between her naked breasts, my arms around her waist.
It was just, me and her, and I couldn’t remember when she’d gotten here.
It was dark outside, so it could have been very early in the morning.
She stirred when I moved and rolled onto her side but didn’t wake up.
I moved away from her and sat up as the thoughts swirled around in my mind. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but knew that all of this had to stop at some point.
It had to stop, but I didn’t have the strength to do it by myself.
Every time I thought I could face the situation something happened and I lost any ounce of strength I might have gathered.
As I looked at Allegra’s perfect body I knew that I didn’t want her. I actually didn’t want any of this but it had become a way of life. A habit.
And Amy, all she did was drive me crazy. Earlier, she’d driven me mad with her words and her body.
I hadn’t lied when I said I wanted her.
Now look at me, I was plastered, and in bed with another woman.
“Come back to bed, baby,” Allegra said, turning back to face me. “Save your strength for later.” She sat up, too, and I watched the heft of her weighty breasts bounce as she leaned onto me.
Usually her touch was like a drug that lured me back to comfort, but somehow she made me feel more wretched. Wretched that I was so far gone I had no control over my emotions, wants, or desires. Wretched that I couldn’t even remember how she ended up here with me.
Play of Love: The Gladiator Players Box Set Page 10
