She’d dated Paul for two years. He’d been only her second lover. Gwen had always believed that sex was the physical manifestation of the emotional bond between two people and should not be taken lightly. She’d been a virgin until she was 19 years old and have given her virginity to Charlie Porter, her high school sweetheart. The relationship hadn’t survived separate colleges, but she’d never regretted her decision. She’d loved Charlie as only a teenager could and they’d ended amicably.
Paul had come into her life her last year of grad school. She’d taken some time to work in her father's accounting firm before returning to get her MBA. She’d always dreamed of opening her own store for jewelry making supplies. Specifically beading. She’d decided to get an MBA, write a business plan and get a small business loan to do so.
Not surprisingly, in retrospect at least, she’d been furious at the time, no one wanted to finance a 25 year old with no prior experience who’d never had so much as a credit card. But, her father had generously loaned her the money, making her cry when he told her how much he believed in her, and she was proud to say she’d repaid him the final payment six months ago.
Paul was the lawyer she’d hired to help her incorporate her business. The attraction had been immediate. He’d been dashing and debonair with blond hair and green eyes. His athletic build had lent him a lazy grace that had heated her blood and the way he had looked at her had made her breathless in the face of his obvious desire for her. He’d been 15 years her senior and to be wanted by such a mature and successful man had been intoxicating.
He’d wined and dined her and treated her with such care. He had been a perfect gentleman, seducing her with drugging kisses, but never pushing, never going further than kisses and light petting. He told her over and over how beautiful she was, how he wanted only to please her if she would just give herself to him.
At first, Gwen had been a little shocked when he described how he wanted to master her. She was familiar with BDSM, but only in the passing general knowledge type way, not with any real experience. Paul had made it sound as if she was really the one in control because his goal would be her pleasure and only through pleasing her could he please himself.
He’d played on her ignorance and lack of experience. He spoke to her in graphic detail, deliberately arousing her only to deny her any actual physical gratification. He claimed that he could only satisfy her truly if she submitted to him. After many weeks of what had obviously been a very deliberate and planned seduction, Gwen had given in.
Gwen wanted to please people. She loved putting a smile on people's faces. It made her day when she made someone happy. That was her nirvana. She was no pushover, she knew how and when to draw lines and she did so readily, but her relationship with Paul had reached a point where she was crazed with sexual frustration and feeling guilty because Paul acted so sad when she expressed her hesitancy at allowing him to master her.
Looking back, Gwen knew that her hesitancy had actually come from a sixth sense letting her know that something was not right with her relationship with Paul. But, that’s why hindsight is 20/20 and foresight is blind.
The first time with Paul had been wonderful. He’d demanded she obey his every command and the orgasm she’d had as he’d made love to her had been amazing. He’d praised her and told her she was wonderful and he loved her. Each time they’d made love, he’d been more and more demanding, pushing her limits of what she was willing to do to please him.
Gwen had reveled in her submission. She was pleasing the man she loved in the most elemental way possible. Somewhere along the way, something had changed. Paul praised her less and less and became more critical. Sometimes, she’d catch a look crossing his face that she could only describe as disgust.
After sex, Paul would practically run to the shower to wash up, leaving her feeling as if she’d infected him somehow. When she tried to talk to him, Paul would tell her she was being silly and change the subject. She tried in countless ways to get him to open up with no luck. She tried to please him in bed, ensuring she followed every instruction to the letter. It didn’t help.
Finally, Gwen had decided to throw caution to the wind and confront Paul. She planned to demand answers and wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She’d gone to Paul’s house to surprise him with dinner. She had a key because he traveled often and she took care of his plants and mail when he was gone. She’d never before used it when he was home without his permission.
She’d entered the house and come face to face with Paul’s naked ass. He had his back to her, but she’d been able to see the face of his secretary all too clearly. Stacy had been on her knees with her mouth shoved full of Paul’s cock. Paul was in the process of coming in Stacy’s mouth, when Gwen interrupted them. He yanked back from Stacy and she’d never forget the sight of Paul’s come spurting all over his rug as she’d turned and left.
When Paul had finally caught up to her, he’d made it quite clear that he found her disgusting. That only a depraved, immoral slut would allow someone to do the things to her that she’d allowed him to do to her. He’d told her that if she’d had any true self-respect or morals she’d never allow herself to be used so poorly.
Gwen had been devastated. The man she loved with all of her heart was disgusted with her. She couldn’t argue the point. She’d allowed him to do anything he wanted to her without question. She’d loved pleasing him, doing whatever he wanted just to ensure his pleasure.
Gwen knew she had self-respect. She knew she had morals, but she couldn’t reconcile what she felt with his words when clearly she’d driven him away. Paul had left her there without looking back. She’d never seen him again, but that relationship had haunted her ever since. Every notion she had about herself had been shaken up and turned upside down. She no longer trusted herself.
After Paul, she’d tried dating a few times, but whenever a man got too close she froze up. She didn’t want a repeat of Paul. She’d get but so far into the relationship before her need to please him would surface and she’d become so afraid of seeing that same disgust that she’d distance herself and ultimately end the relationship. After just a few tries, she’d given up all together and thrown herself into making her store a success.
The night she’d spent with Simon had brought back all of the humiliation and shame she felt after Paul. Not while she’d been with Simon. What she’d experienced with Simon had been unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She’d felt at peace the entire time she’d been with him. It was as if she’d reclaimed a part of herself she hadn’t known was missing, but when she’d come down out of her fog she could only see Paul’s face and the hatred and disgust in his eyes when he’d looked at her. She’d done the only thing she could think to do at that time … run.
She hadn’t been able to run from the memories though. She dreamed of Simon. Dreamed of his touch. Dreamed of his laugh. Dreamed of being able to see him again, but the latter was just that a dream. She could never face him after what she’d done.
Simon’s first email had come as a shock. She’d expected that after her behavior he’d never want to speak to her again. Her assistant had told her he’d been by the store, but she’d expected it would end there. His email had been simple, one line … "Why did you run?"
She hadn’t replied. She hadn’t deleted it either. She’d just moved it to her "Save These" file and tried to forget about it. Other emails had followed the first. Each one started the same … "Why did you run?" Each had been filed away with no response.
The emails had changed over the weeks, becoming longer and more narrative. He seemed to be having a conversation with her. He’d told her funny stories about the Hollywood premier of Trinity and introduced her virtually to Adon and Marlie. He’d regaled her with his latest game’s success at the video game convention and shared his fears for the next game he was working on. It was a total departure and he wasn’t sure his fans would be receptive.
Within those letters, Gwen sensed a very lonely m
an. He seemed to be surrounded by people, yet he was talking to Gwen. His last email had broken her heart and she couldn’t leave him hanging any longer. Even now, she felt compelled to read it again…
Gwen,
I don’t know why I continue to write to you, you haven’t replied yet, but somehow you’re the only person I feel like talking to. I wish you would reply, if for no other reason to tell me what happened that night to make you run from me so that I can forget about you.
The time I spent with you was the best I’ve had in more years than I can remember. It was truly a pleasure to talk with you and get to know you. I respect what you’ve done with your store. I know how hard it is to go your own way. It’s a wonderful place. It was packed when I stopped by. You must be very proud.
I don’t know, Gwen, but then I guess that is the real problem. I don’t know. I don’t know why you ran. I don’t know what I am hoping to accomplish sending these emails off. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you, but I obviously did. I never wanted to hurt you, Gwen, please believe that. I won’t bother you any more.
My deepest apologies,
Simon
She simply couldn’t let him believe he’d done anything wrong. She’d replied, pouring out her story. Telling him about Paul. It was easier than she’d expected, but that was because she didn’t have to look at him to do it. She didn’t expect him to respond, but at least now he’d know he hadn’t done anything to her.
Gwen read Simon’s email one last time and filed it away. She reached for the mouse to shut off her machine when her Gtalk flashed with an invite to chat. Simon.Cain was inviting her to chat.
Simon.Cain: Gwen? Will you chat with me?
Adrenaline shot through Gwen’s veins causing her hands to shake. Simon wanted to chat with her! What the hell should she do? Her mind was completely blank. She had no idea how to respond.
Simon.Cain: Gwen. I can see that you’re online. Just chat with me.
Gwen took a deep, steadying breath and typed, "OK."
Simon.Cain: Good. Thank you for finally replying. I am very sorry about what happened with Paul.
BeadLady_GC: I appreciate that.
Simon.Cain: I hope you realize that he fed you the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard, but then he sounds like an asshole to begin with.
Gwen was stunned. She had no idea how to respond. He thought Paul was wrong, that he was an asshole. Gwen couldn’t assimilate his words.
Simon.Cain: You still there?
BeadLady_GC: Yes, I’m here.
Simon.Cain: Do you expect me to believe that a woman as smart as you actually accepted that you were the one who was at fault for him shoving his prick down another woman’s throat. Did you hold a gun to his head? Order him to get his dick sucked?
Gwen burst out laughing at the image. She laughed the laugh of the hurt and wounded. She’d carried the pain of Paul’s desertion for so long and so close, sharing with no one, that she’d never really considered it from any perspective other than Paul’s.
Simon.Cain: Have I lost you?
BeadLady_GC: No, you haven’t. I was actually laughing at the image you present.
Simon.Cain: It’s not an image. It’s the truth. Paul was a selfish jackass who took a gift you gave him and twisted it to use as an excuse for betraying you. Only a spineless coward does that.
BeadLady_GC: What makes you so sure of this?
Simon.Cain: Simple … who asked you to try out dominance and submission?
BeadLady_GC: ???
Simon.Cain: You called it mastery. Who suggested you submit to Paul in bed?
BeadLady_GC: He did.
Simon.Cain: Who demanded you do any of the things the two of you did in bed?
BeadLady_GC: He did.
Simon.Cain: Who lied and cheated?
BeadLady_GC: He did.
Simon.Cain: Now, tell me this. If you are responsible for what Paul did, why don’t I see your name after any of those questions?
Gwen was reeling from Simon’s words. He had a point. She hadn’t initiated even one single exchange with Paul, her heart leapt with hope, but she wasn’t convinced yet.
BeadLady_GC: I didn’t stop him.
Simon.Cain: Why would you? He told you it was what he wanted. The key exchange in dominance and submission is trust. You trusted him. You trusted that he was being honest with you about what he wanted. HE LIED TO YOU. Don’t you see? He lied. Nothing he says or did has any value and you’re only a fool if you let it.
BeadLady_GC: I want to believe you, but I need time to think.
Simon.Cain: Fair enough, but think about this. I asked you to trust me and you did. I asked you to submit to me and you did. I promised you pleasure in return, based on your responses I think I delivered (compliments are good BTW, my ego has been very bruised).
Again, Gwen laughed. It felt good to laugh again. She blushed as she responded.
BeadLady_GC: You delivered.
Simon.Cain: Ha! I knew it!
BeadLady_GC: LOL
Simon.Cain: Listen, I can only say this. You gave me a gift that I had more of less given up on finding. I thank you for that even if you never see me again. I’ve been made to feel like pervert for wanting what I want. You made me feel like a normal man making love to beautiful woman.
BeadLady_GC: I’m flattered.
Simon.Cain: I don’t flatter, I speak the truth.
BeadLady_GC: Okay … thank you.
Simon.Cain: Welcome. Gwen…
BeadLady_GC: Yes?
Simon.Cain: Don’t run again.
BeadLady_GC: ???
Simon.Cain: I’m going to be gone for three more weeks. Talk with me. Nothing more. Will you?
Gwen’s fingers froze over the keyboard. Could she? What if it Simon was just being nice?
Simon.Cain: Gwen?
BeadLady_GC: Yes
Simon.Cain: Excellent! What’s your number?
BeadLady_GC: Now? You want to talk now?
Simon.Cain: Do you have something else to do?
BeadLady_GC: No.
Simon.Cain: Good. What’s your number?
Gwen’s stomach lurched as she typed out her number. What the hell was she thinking? This couldn’t end well. She rested her fingers back on the keys typing out an excuse to Simon. Chatting she could do, talking she wasn’t ready for. Before she even got the words typed, her phone rang.
Chapter 5
Simon’s hand shook just slightly as he reached for the doorbell. He couldn’t believe that he was once again as nervous as a teenager. He’d told Gwen that he’d be by tonight, but he hadn’t given her a time. He’d wanted to keep her just a little off kilter so her first reaction would be unschooled.
The last three weeks had been crazy, but great. His new game idea been commissioned and the team was fast at work. Simon had overseen the casting of the voices and actors for the animation and had delivered the initial code base to the programmers. The promo tour for Trinity IV had wrapped successfully. It had been exhausting, but he’d never felt better. No matter how crazy the last three weeks had been, there had been Gwen.
They’d spoken every night since that first one. At first, he’d tried to put her at ease, but had quickly realized he was patronizing her by doing so. After that, he’d just been himself and pulled no punches with her. She was going to have to get over her insecurity because it made sense to do so, not because he coddled her.
He’d found he could talk with her about anything. She didn’t judge and she was interesting and funny. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed being with an intelligent woman. He’d begun to count the minutes until he spoke to her again. To share some anecdote from his day or ask her opinion on a challenge he’d come across in his game.
He’d fallen in love with her. The problem was that he wasn’t sure how she felt about him. They’d finally come back to the subject of Paul about a week ago and they’d talk it through for a long time.
He’d challenged her to prove how submitting made anyone weak or loose. He demanded she disprove the notion that the amount of self-discipline and control required to submit far exceeded what it took to dominate. That in that particular partnership, it could be argued that the stronger of the two was often the submissive.
Simon Says (Friends and Lovers) Page 4
